Untouchable_Fire Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I agree she should.. and she posted that she does.. just not on the first date It should be done before the first date. Chances are her emotional state is not positive.
Author Sarah1977 Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Chances are her emotional state is not positive. My emotional state is always positive. And my husband and I were separated for quite a bit of time before we got divorced.
Art_Critic Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 It should be done before the first date. Chances are her emotional state is not positive. Oh gawd... If all of us gave up our dirt before the first date nobody would ever go out and the world would be a lonely place. She isn't doing anything dishonest UF... Do you give up all your dirt before the first date ?
Art_Critic Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 When dating we all put over best foot forward to make the best first impression. Why on earth would someone blurt out something negative before a first date ?.. that would just be self defeating ...
EasyHeart Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 OK, I've decided that I'm done with this guy. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. My new question is: Should I write him and tell I'm done and why? Or should I just ignore him from here on out?No need to initiate contact. If he asks you out again, just say something like, "Thanks for asking, but I don't think I want to see you again." Ignoring people (dating or otherwise) isn't cool. Plus, if you ignore a 'persistant' guy like this, it will just drive him into a rage.
Art_Critic Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I went back to edit my post and couldn't as I realized what it looked like it said.. When dating we all put over best foot forward to make the best first impression. Why on earth would someone blurt out something negative before a first date ?.. that would just be self defeating ... This is what I meant.. When dating we all put over best foot forward to make the best first impression. Why on earth would someone blurt out something that some people might consider negative before a first date ?.. that would just be self defeating ... I'm not disputing that knowing if someone has been divorced within a year is important info.. I'm disputing that something like that doesn't get told before or on a first date unless someone asks the question.
Author Sarah1977 Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 I'm disputing that something like that doesn't get told before or on a first date unless someone asks the question. Yes, I agree. If someone asks on the first date, I will definitely tell them the truth. I wouldn't lie. But I just feel past relationships aren't really 'first date' conversation material....especially if you don't even know the person. If I think the relationship has potential, I will tell them on date 2 or 3 so they don't waste their time if it's a deal breaker for them.
JohnnyBlaze Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Right now if I sent you my email address with my name, I'd take odds of 1000-1 you would hit my webpage before replying back to me and then also google me.. How is that any different ?.. I'll help you.. it isn't. Sure it is. If you used your legal name only, I'd wonder why the heck some stranger is emailing me with his info for no apparent reason and I'd most likely delete it as junk mail, rather than reply. If you used your screen name, I'd read it, reply to it and be done with it. You're far from the first person to send me a PM, and I have yet to find a need to check their web page before responding. If it's someone I've gone out on a date with already, I have at least met them face to face once. It's someone that I have expressed a romantic interest in, at least on a rudimentary level. It's safe to say that I'd know her much better than I'd know you. Even at that, I admit that I'd barely know her. If, after a single date, I have an urge to run a background check on her, I take that as a sign to get out now. And to date, the only non-celebrity I have EVER googled for info was myself, to see what was out there on me.
tami-chan Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I totally agree. She should never have gone on a date with this guy as he is persistent to the point of annoying. Doing that just added fuel to his fire. Nah, nothing to agree on. I do not really fault her for being kind.... First, of all she did not need to tell him anything beyond the basics as she was not considering him at all. Second, it is not her fault that even with her saying that she does not think anything would come out of the date other than platonic friendship, he apparently thought he could change her mind. However... for a guy she IS considering... the info that her marriage just ended is kind of vital. She should be disclosing that early on.Sure, I think if she was "considering" a guy the topics of their conversations would be more in-depth. Besides, at 30-something, I think it is safe to assume that anybody would have had a serious relationship. If he wanted to know he could've hastened the process and asked her outright...i.e. "so, have you been married?'...I think that's an acceptable question. BUT it is a bit uncomfortable to just say "Hi, my name is Tami. I have been married and divorced."
Art_Critic Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 If, after a single date, I have an urge to run a background check on her, I take that as a sign to get out now. I'll give you that one.. I would think the urge to run a background check after a single date would be a huge red flag and worth listening to but a background check and looking at someone's FB or goggling them is a bit different.
musemaj11 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Never even crossed my mind. Maybe only on Facebook. Thats it.
dispatch3d Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 OK, I've decided that I'm done with this guy. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. My new question is: Should I write him and tell I'm done and why? Or should I just ignore him from here on out? Meh neither? If he asks just tell him in the end it was too far to travel. If he offers to move tell him that's too big of a jump (cause it is!). The end, shouldn't be any crazy fighting....
daphne Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I wouldn't take it personally. I think that people who are serious about wanting a relationship will do this to protect themselves and see what they're getting into. He doesn't have the benefit of knowing your friends or relatives so he's in the dark and has to take you at face value, which is tough with a stranger. I would take it as flattery that he liked you enough to try to figure out if you're the real deal. I don't think of googling as stalking if you're trying to find out stats. Now if you're trying to hone in on address, favorite hangouts etc that might be a bit stalkerish. A guy I went out with once told me he googled me right away and wasn't ashamed. I thought it was cute. He was kinda smitten and at the time I was too.
Madgick Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Speaking of FB, that site has made googling people all the more easier. All you need is a full name and then you're directed to their site. But unless they friend you, you can't see much if they've set strict privacy settings, right?
Confusedalways Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 why WOULDN'T you google someone before your date?
flying Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 (edited) Sure, to idle googling (meaning, not paying to consult legal records). Several of my dates when I was online dating did it too, apparently - I have a pretty unusual name, easily googlable, and the fact that I was married was out there on a webpage for anyone who wanted to to find. What wasn't on there was any info about my divorce. Happily - unlike in your case, OP - although several of them had discovered the married bit, the guys I was dating didn't task me with it, but let me tell them my story in my own time, which included the vital bit of info that I'm divorced. That was usually on the second or third date. At which point my current BF, for example, gave me a sheepish smile and admitted he'd googled me and did wonder about the marriage thing, but figured he didn't have all the facts. Which, he didn't. And that's the dangerous part about googling - assuming that one piece of information is the whole puzzle. I didn't mind that they'd looked me up - I did it too - but I AM glad that they let me disclose the full information in my own way, and in my own time. In your case, OP, I can't tell if this guy actually did a full-on records search, or just found some info that you were married and ran with it. Of course, either of those is off-putting, since you had already told him you wouldn't be dating. And I think now it's time to suit actions to words. Edited November 30, 2010 by flying
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 On the first date? "Hi, nice to meet you! I'm divorced!" I thought first dates were supposed to be light and fun. Not a time for discussing failed relationships. I am dating other people, I never told any of them on the first date. None of them asked. I usually tell them on date #2 or #3 if it hasn't already come up already. (For example, one guy mentioned on date 2 his divorce at which point I said, "Oh yeah? Me too.") The other guys I just volunteered the info. It's not a big deal for some guys... they are not looking for anything serious anyways. I look at it like this. When I go on a date I'm investing my time and my money in getting to know a woman. I'd like to have lots of info up front. I know it's often difficult to bring these things up... but it helps me make an informed decision about dating you. Chances are if I'm on a date with you... it means I'm passing up someone else. My emotional state is always positive. And my husband and I were separated for quite a bit of time before we got divorced. That helps and is good info. You should talk to these guys as much as possible pre-date. It helps both of you get a better picture of one another. I went back to edit my post and couldn't as I realized what it looked like it said.. This is what I meant.. When dating we all put over best foot forward to make the best first impression. Why on earth would someone blurt out something that some people might consider negative before a first date ?.. that would just be self defeating ... I'm not disputing that knowing if someone has been divorced within a year is important info.. I'm disputing that something like that doesn't get told before or on a first date unless someone asks the question. And if I apply your reasoning to something like consumer goods or investments.... it's Ok to hide vital product information from a customer until after the purchase is made? I get it... we all want to put up this fake front to make people like us. I suppose that's just the way dating goes.
Andy_K Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I've googled dates before. But if I found out something, I wouldn't be stupid enough to let on.
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