Desperate and hurt.

[Bnonymous]

I'm sorry this is lengthy. My relationship is not like most others. I don't know if anyone can actually help me because of it, but I'd like some feedback, some kind of reply, any kind of even smallest of tip, please?

 

I'm 24, female. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly nine years, since we were 16. He was my first boyfriend and sexual partner. I had always said I'd never be with anyone else, that'd he'd be the only one in my life I'd ever have sex with. We've never married, never had children. But, now, I've had two relationships, one with him, and one with someone I left him for. I didn't cheat on him. I left him because he was hurting me, and I wanted something better for myself. I had tried to leave him several times in a mature manner, asking him to move out, explaining my problems I had with him, and telling him it's over. When someone was interested in me, and he still persisted, I was so angry I told him I didn't love him anymore, that I'd even call the cops if he wouldn't leave me alone. He'd call me 30+ times a day, crying, begging me back. I was only with the second guy for about three weeks, he had enough of the drama and I fell back into the swing of being with my boyfriend. He'd beg me and tell me he'd change, and he did, a lot.

 

I had sex with the second guy maybe twice, and I told him. I also told the guy I loved him, which I didn't. I understand why I did it now, I just wanted that same kind of deep relationship I had with my boyfriend, but without all the hurt. It was a fake love, I was trying to force something that wasn't there, but the idea of me loving someone else crushed him. His whole outlook on me changed completely. He doesn't love me as much. He doesn't see me the same way. It crushes me, too, every time I think about it. But furthermore, last year he decided to get even, left me for a week, slept with a girl, and showered her with all the love and attention that I use to get, and that he refuses to give me anymore.

 

I'm balling my eyes out typing this now because of how much it effects me daily. We had this insanely tight bond, and now it's so destroyed. But we still love eachother. He told me most of the details of the relationship, and now this chick is on my mind every day. When he had explained he did this one certian sexual thing to her, everytime he does it to me, I have to think about her for an instant, and what he did with her. Then I have to push it down the back of my mind and pretend it doesn't matter. Things like that happen to me every day, not just sexually.

 

So she's my obsession now. She has a twitter, a facebook, and a bunch of dating profiles with tons of pictures. I'll spontaneously go read what she's twittering, scared, because I never want to accidentally be going the same place she might be one day. And I look at her face, and constantly think, "Why he'd choose her over me? Why he did this to me? Why her?" And I realize that these are all things he thought, and felt, about the guy. But the difference is, I held him, and I loved him, and eased him through any pain he felt. And I cried and hurt along side him. But when he cheated on me, he wanted to still be friends with this girl, and pushed all my feelings into my face.

 

I found out he'd spend two or more hours a day talking to her on the phone at work. He insisted I tried to be friends with her too. I had to talk to her on the phone, and explain to her why they couldn't be friends anymore. I got them to stop contact with eachother. I gave him the ultimatum, her or me. He explained, he cared a lot for her. And I explained.. he can be with her, be friends with her, be more than that, I didn't care. I wanted him to be happy, and I didn't want to hurt anymore, and even the thought of her on the phone with him obviously hurt me. Or, he could be with me, and repair things, but she couldn't be in the equation, ever again. So he picked me. And, somehow, I feel guilty for it.

 

Our problems didn't stop. He kicked me out of our apartment six months ago and I'm living with my mother. We got back together about a month or two ago. We haven't slept with anyone else, or been in relationships with anyone else, while we were split up. I was always afraid he would, and he was always afraid I would, and we decided to get back together. He wont let me move back in now, and I don't want to force it, but I also want something tighter than what we have right now.

 

I blame myself for being with someone else when I swore I never would. I feel guilt, with myself, for breaking the little oath I made to only be with one person in my whole life. I know it's a childish oath, and in a screwed up modern world like this it's an insane one to keep, but I tried hard. I wanted that storybook love, and I had it, even if it was for a short time. But I want it back, more than life itself, and it kills me. But I also blame him for his actions too.

 

If I try to bring up our problems he gets angry and wants to stop. I don't know how to fix things if I can't talk to him about it. I have all this pain inside of me. I don't want to leave him because of it. I want to be in a deep relationship with him again. I want to push through all the hurt, but I can't without talking to him.

 

When I try to talk about the pain I feel, he very quickly brings his pain up. Like, as if to say, "That's too bad you feel that way, because I probably felt it ten times worse because of what you did." every time. His demeanor is almost vicious, like he's trying to emotionally tear into me just because I feel pain.

 

 

Other weird things I do now:

 

Sometimes I'll go in Craigslist or dating sites trying to find someone, like I'm looking, but not looking at the same time. I've never made an account. I'd never cheat. It's like looking at single guys somehow eases the pain. Why do I feel like this? Why do I do this? I don't like it. Am I trying to prepare for being single when my intention is to still be with him? I don't get it.

 

And kind of the same thing, again. He wont want to have sex with me sometimes, and I'll go look at porn. I wont get off to it, either, which is weird. It's just the fact that looking at it somehow eases the pain. He hates that I do it, so I pretend I don't. I feel like I'm lying.

 

Guys aren't interested in me. He always says they're looking at me where ever we go, but I never pay any attention to other guys. I don't even think I'm attractive. Now that he stops giving me all the nice little comments he use to, I almost want to find those elsewhere.

 

Is any of that normal?

 

I don't want to give up on my relationship, but the reason I broke up with him the first time was based on how much pain he was causing me, and the same thing is happening again. But this time it's astronomically worse.

 

Will I ever repair my relationship or should I move on?

[EnigmasMuse]

"I don't want to give up on my relationship, but I broke up with him in the first place was based on how much pain he was causing me, and the same thing is happening again, but this time its astronomically worse."

 

IMO, I really think you should listen to the above that you stated. I understand you love him and he loves you, but sometimes relationship are just not healthy and it doesn't sound like this one is. When the pain outweighs that which is good, its time to rethink things.

[jimrich]

re: Other weird things I do now:

.... Get into counseling FOR YOUR SELF and/or therapy. Your whole story just tells me you have a lot of unresolved, hidden issues and feelings that need to be addressed and HEALED! Try support groups - google it.