I found her posts on other forums!!

[Pokemon]

Ok, she uses the same user ID for everything, so it wasn't that difficult to google.

 

So, she is convinced he is "addicted to sex" as she posted on some al-anon website. Apparently, her husband told her that "he wanted his family back and was going to end it with his gf". Wow. That bastard told me the same thing in reverse.

 

She then complained that "the affair has continued for over a year, we haven't lived together for 6 months and I find it so hard to let go. I love the man but I hate his disease (sex addiction). I struggle to deal with the rejection, that he loves her more, that I am losing my family, etc". This was November 6th.

 

Reading that made me SEE what a big mess it is. If she still wants the guy back after he left her, then moved his mistress into THEIR apartment for 6 months, kudos to her. After all that humiliation to friends, family and child, I cannot even imagine what she must be going through.

 

She can have him! I dropped him on the curb and still feel proud of myself for doing that! This narcissistic, self-obsessed, lying, cheating, poor-risk husband is no prize. If she wants to ruin more years of her life trying to fix his "sex addiction" and slimy ways, I wish her the best of luck. (NOT!)

 

LOL. I realize I might get heat for having typed the last sentence, but as others have pointed out, this is a support forum where people should be free to vent.

[desertIslandCactus]

It's her Husband. She can claim him and their marriage, if she wants.

[alexandria35]

It's her marriage and she can choose to deal with it however she feels best. You googled her, found her on a forum and then repeated what she said over here. That's kind of tacky.

[skywriter]

Pokemon,

 

You vent all you need to. .....and then,thank the heavens, that you can be out of all that drama and nonsense!! Let them have it!

 

Functional, normal, best wishes for you in the days ahead!

[woinlove]

I don't like the idea of pulling quotes from someone posting on a different site and posting them here. I would hope that LS discourages such a practice.

 

Having said that, this story shows the path of destruction caused by MM who try to keep both a W and an OW with their lies. The child has a father preoccupied with living a double life and a mother wracked with pain and, as you say, humiliation. These early years should be the most wondrous as young children just soak up the world around them as their brains are forming so many new connections. I don't know if it is "sex addiction" but there certainly is something wrong with a father who can't think about what is best for a young child.

 

He should either divorce or commit to his marriage. And you, Pokemon, as you also say, will be better off in removing this man from your life. Stay strong and just do it.

[jennie-jennie]

It's her marriage and she can choose to deal with it however she feels best. You googled her, found her on a forum and then repeated what she said over here. That's kind of tacky.

 

I don't find that tacky at all. Pokemon is trying to deal with her reality. To be able to do that she needs to find as much information as possible. And then discuss it with her support group. Quite normal IMO.

 

I would however be very wary with trusting the BS' opinion of anything. There can be a lot of denial ruling there.

[Carrot2000]

He should either divorce or commit to his marriage. And you, Pokemon, as you also say, will be better off in removing this man from your life. Stay strong and just do it.

 

Yes, stay strong! And as tempting as it is to look at the wife's posts, don't do it. It just keeps you wrapped up in their drama.

[greengoddess]

I don't think it's good for your healing to be googling his wife. Leave her be. Why follow her online supposed to be private and anonymous postings? If you want to figure it all out why not call her and talk.

 

Curious why should she feel humiliated? Because she had enough of a cheating sex addict and moved out she should be humiliated? I would think it would be more humiliating to move right into the place the wife vacated with the cheating sex addict. They aren't divorced and you moved into HER home?

[ItsNeverForever]

Dannnnnng...y'all are pretty harsh. SO WHAT she googled the wife's postings? We're ALL subject to being "discovered" when we post on "private/anonymous" PUBLIC forums. And so what if she paraphrased a few lines from those postings here - it's not as if Poke has called this woman out by name...

 

When a person has been through what Poke's been through (right/wrong/whatever), and is struggling to recover, sometimes it's just more than they can take to try to completely let go and truly move on without ever having the "answers". When you've been lied to at such great lengths, I think it's a natural reaction to search for the truth, whatever the means. Understand, and if you're posting in this particular forum I'm sure you can, how the pain & confusion of a situation like this no matter how strong he/she feels and posts at any given time, can make the person feel that they must be mentally challenged to have allowed themselves to be sucked into such nonsense.

 

She's not harming anyone by doing this, and at least I can see in her post that it hasn't harmed her recovery, she's actually helped herself. She knows things now that just confirm she's done the right thing, and will help to cement her resolve to completely heal. I searched the internet for BabyMama, and when I found her, I gained a VERY BIG piece of knowledge that helped me understand why the situation was so eternally hopeless for my "MM" (who is not married, but "trapped" (ROFL) in cohabitation with his BabyMama) and me.

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative here, because I really do believe LS to be a "safe place". I believe that Poke is using it in the fashion it was intended, and I don't see any purpose in berating her - I'm sure she feels bad enough already. I'm not trying to sugar-coat anything here - I do believe that the majority of the time, in these OM/OW situations things are very black/white and cut & dry. But the truth is, none of us here know exactly what it was like for Poke, bc we were not there, not in that very relationship ourselves - and you have to know that none of us who have experienced our own such situation and posted here about it, have posted every little detail or thought that goes through our minds. It's unfair to judge someone for how they deal with it.

 

YOU GO, POKE. Vent away - for as many harsh comments you receive, you'll receive as many or more supportive ones. I don't think I would have done any different from you if I'd had that information at my disposal - I'm all for finding the truth, and I do so on a frequent basis. I don't think it's wrong at all, I think it's smart. If someone has put information on the INTERNET, as far as I'm concerned, it's fair game. And I'm so glad your discovery has shed a little more light on your situation for you.

 

Proud of you! You give me hope, Poke.

[ItsNeverForever]

I don't find that tacky at all. Pokemon is trying to deal with her reality. To be able to do that she needs to find as much information as possible. And then discuss it with her support group. Quite normal IMO.

 

I would however be very wary with trusting the BS' opinion of anything. There can be a lot of denial ruling there.

 

LOL! This is what I meant to say and how I would have said it if I knew how to not talk so much - tee hee!

 

Also, although it's easy to dismiss the BS' opinion, don't forget that it is HER reality, and if that's what SHE believes the situation is, and her H isn't doing anything to disprove her, FORGET IT - it might as well be gold.

[Star_Bright]

Hi Pokemon,

 

I totally understand where you're coming from and I would feel the same way. In fact, I did. It was only when I started to consider exMM's wife point of view that I realized what a cake-eater he was and how dishonest he was being to both of us. I didn't find her posts online but I started to wonder, wait, what is he saying to her that she remains married to him? He is clearly not telling her the same thing he is telling me, which is that he is completely done with the marriage and is getting a divorce and loves me and wants to be with me, not her.

 

Then exMM would sometimes tell me things that his wife said (he often got verbal diaherrea and told me things he later regretted because they went against his own self-interest and I always called him on his BS when he said something different later). He said she had said things like, "how can I forgive you? You would never forgive me if I did this to you," which obviously made me think he must have been asking her to forgive him, although he denied it when I asked if he had. Plus he was pretty honest in telling me that he told her and the kids that the separation was just a break to figure himself out, and I was like, wait a minute, that's not what you've been telling me... he then claimed he was only doing it to make things easier for his wife and kids (i.e., himself) and so as to have an acrimonious divorce, etc., but even if that was true, I didn't like that he was lying and being inconsistent, to either her or me or both.

 

I think that's the funny thing about these triangle relationships. After awhile it becomes obvious that the MM is cake-eating. He can only lie and deny for so long before OW starts to realize things don't add up. Then he does whatever he can to get her to stay, but, unless it's like Jennie-Jennie's sitch where she doesn't care that he is staying married and BS doesn't know about OW, it gets harder and harder for MM to remain on the fence because one woman or both is going to do something to push him onto one side or the other... and it seems to me that usually he falls back into the marriage yard!

 

You have now discovered that there is another side to the story and that MM is doing something to keep that relationship alive as well as your affair alive. I know it's not a fun place to be, but at least with knowledge comes power. If this situation of him remaining married and in an affair with you is not okay with you - and it certainly wasn't okay with me! - then your only choices are to force an ultimatum, or walk. I think if you tell him, her or me, right now, then you will get your answer. Or, if you don't want to get him that way or if you fear that he will choose her and you will feel further humiliated, then make the choice for yourself, and leave him, which, in my experience, will give you control back and make you feel a lot better! Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. Let me know if you need to talk, I'm here for you girl. I know it's hard. Hugs.

[Star_Bright]

LOL! This is what I meant to say and how I would have said it if I knew how to not talk so much - tee hee!

 

Also, although it's easy to dismiss the BS' opinion, don't forget that it is HER reality, and if that's what SHE believes the situation is, and her H isn't doing anything to disprove her, FORGET IT - it might as well be gold.

 

I agree with this. The BS isn't in total denial if her husband hasn't totally left her! There is something he is saying to her to keep her in the marriage, even if it's just his non-action of not filing for divorce. I think that there is a lot of denial all around with everyone involved in an A - BS, OW and especially MM! - but what one cannot deny is that he is staying married of his own volition.

 

I don't think that the other side of the affair - the primary/marriage relationship and what the wife is thinking/ doing and what the MM is doing/saying/not doing/not saying to the wife - should be dismissed so easily; I think it provides insight. I am someone who likes knowledge and facts and I wanted to understand what exMM's wife might be feeling and what he was doing/ not doing to get her to stay with him after she knew he had humiliated her by being with me. (Pokemon, in some ways our situations are kind of similar because I worked with exMM and his wife so everyone in the office - it was exMM's business - knew about us and his wife was humilitated. Yet she stayed with him. So hmmmm what must he be telling her to get her to do that?! It wasn't pretty once I thought about it. Plus he admitted to me that he minimized my role and told her we weren't talking anymore, etc. So I thought, well, I can't blame her for staying with him when I'm still staying with him even though he denies my importance in his life and tells her and other people different things than he tells me! For awhile *I* was the one in denial, and then I woke up!)

[OWoman]

Sometimes an insight into the MM-BW dynamic gives you all the info you need to know... and gives you the strength (or nausea!) you need to walk away.

 

I've never understood how some posters (often, but not always, fBWs) assume that the OW wants the BW's llife - simply because she "wants" / has (at least in the time-share sense, and sometimes more) "her" (the BW's) man. I can't recall ever seeing a case like that - usually the OW considers what she has with the MM far superior to what the BW has with the MM, and may even pity the BW. I've certainly never seen an OW wanting to change places with the BW...

 

... and this thread is a neat illustration of why. Seeing their R for what it is can be very helpful in gaining the understanding and info you need to move on.

 

Strength, Pokemon

[whichwayisup]

She can have him! I dropped him on the curb and still feel proud of myself for doing that! This narcissistic, self-obsessed, lying, cheating, poor-risk husband is no prize. If she wants to ruin more years of her life trying to fix his "sex addiction" and slimy ways, I wish her the best of luck. (NOT!)

Then NC should be quite easy for you, and this will help you totally get over him and never look back.

[carhill]

Clarity is a wonderful gift. I hope you have accepted this gift. Good luck

[Pokemon]

Thank you, most of you, for the support. Some people sound like they have never been in the OW/OM's shoes, stumbled on this website, and decided to post useless, non-supportive comments anyway. I overlooked those.

 

But, you're right, ItsNeverForever, finding what the BS felt and wrote confirmed my suspicion that he was lying to both of us, and strengthened my resolve to leave them be. The fact that the BS said, "I believe his words, but have trouble his ignoring his actions," reinforces the chaos she must be going through when he chose to live with me instead of his wife and baby.

 

It shows what a scumbag this sorry SOB is. Moving me in, promising me marriage, kids, even buying a $1500 plane ticket to see my parents in Dec. At the same time, he tells his wife he wants to end the relationship with me, have his family back, drag her in the mud and spend 6.5 days a week with ME.

 

I'm very proud of myself for packing up my stuff and leaving. No matter how derogatory some people's words are, I had the strength to leave. I chose my future, I took my power back. The fact of the matter is BRIGHT AND CLEAR: I dumped this worthless half of a man. No matter how you try to spin it, I guarantee you, he would be on the plane halfway across the world with me to see my parents, should I have chosen to ignore his lies and stay. He is with his wife because I chose, not him, not her.

 

For all you people who don't really intend on giving support, please don't beat yourself up because you chose to stay in a ****ty relationship and I didn't. Better still, stay out of this forum. Look above, it says "the other man / woman". If you are a fBS, why the hell are you in here? Cuz you'd rather be in my shoes?

 

And humiliation? You may ask? If my boyfriend or husband moved his mistress in for 6 months, told all my friends and family he wanted a divorce because he was in love with a woman 10 years younger, I think that qualifies as humiliation. Putting pictures on facebook, having your arms around a younger woman, have friends delete you because you took off the 'married status'? Yes! That will be humiliation. If somebody did that to me, I will either dump him, or take him back just AND make his life a MISERABLE HELL.

 

Happy Holidays!!

[whichwayisup]

Then NC should be quite easy for you, and this will help you totally get over him and never look back.

 

I repeat this. NC should be quite easy for you since reading your most recent post, it seems like you are over him and there's no chance of you caving and going back to the affair if he contacts you.

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you, most of you, for the support. Some people sound like they have never been in the OW/OM's shoes, stumbled on this website, and decided to post useless, non-supportive comments anyway. I overlooked those.

 

But, you're right, ItsNeverForever, finding what the BS felt and wrote confirmed my suspicion that he was lying to both of us, and strengthened my resolve to leave them be. The fact that the BS said, "I believe his words, but have trouble his ignoring his actions," reinforces the chaos she must be going through when he chose to live with me instead of his wife and baby.

 

It shows what a scumbag this sorry SOB is. Moving me in, promising me marriage, kids, even buying a $1500 plane ticket to see my parents in Dec. At the same time, he tells his wife he wants to end the relationship with me, have his family back, drag her in the mud and spend 6.5 days a week with ME.

 

I'm very proud of myself for packing up my stuff and leaving. No matter how derogatory some people's words are, I had the strength to leave. I chose my future, I took my power back. The fact of the matter is BRIGHT AND CLEAR: I dumped this worthless half of a man. No matter how you try to spin it, I guarantee you, he would be on the plane halfway across the world with me to see my parents, should I have chosen to ignore his lies and stay. He is with his wife because I chose, not him, not her.

 

For all you people who don't really intend on giving support, please don't beat yourself up because you chose to stay in a ****ty relationship and I didn't. Better still, stay out of this forum. Look above, it says "the other man / woman". If you are a fBS, why the hell are you in here? Cuz you'd rather be in my shoes?

 

And humiliation? You may ask? If my boyfriend or husband moved his mistress in for 6 months, told all my friends and family he wanted a divorce because he was in love with a woman 10 years younger, I think that qualifies as humiliation. Putting pictures on facebook, having your arms around a younger woman, have friends delete you because you took off the 'married status'? Yes! That will be humiliation. If somebody did that to me, I will either dump him, or take him back just AND make his life a MISERABLE HELL.

 

Happy Holidays!!

 

 

Only if you want it to be.

[jwi71]

But, you're right, ItsNeverForever, finding what the BS felt and wrote confirmed my suspicion that he was lying to both of us, and strengthened my resolve to leave them be. The fact that the BS said, "I believe his words, but have trouble his ignoring his actions," reinforces the chaos she must be going through when he chose to live with me instead of his wife and baby.

 

I must point out Pokemon that you did the exact same thing. In fact, most OW do. In fact, most BS do. You listened to the words and ignored the actions. Do not cast dispersion over a woman fighting for family, her husband, her marriage.

 

Realize who the true villian is.

 

It shows what a scumbag this sorry SOB is. Moving me in, promising me marriage, kids, even buying a $1500 plane ticket to see my parents in Dec. At the same time, he tells his wife he wants to end the relationship with me, have his family back, drag her in the mud and spend 6.5 days a week with ME.

YES. See him for what he is.

Better yet...why don't you give the BS the same you have - clarity. Tell her the truth so that she too might be free. Right now, she, as you once did, only had half the story. Fill her in. Give her the missing pieces.

 

I'm very proud of myself for packing up my stuff and leaving. No matter how derogatory some people's words are, I had the strength to leave. I chose my future, I took my power back. The fact of the matter is BRIGHT AND CLEAR: I dumped this worthless half of a man. No matter how you try to spin it, I guarantee you, he would be on the plane halfway across the world with me to see my parents, should I have chosen to ignore his lies and stay. He is with his wife because I chose, not him, not her

Not entirely accurate. I don't expect a response to this but you were the one logging in a checking up on him. Still looking for a hope for tomorrow. Looking for the actions - 2nd guessing yourself.

 

Not attacking you. But I want you to own it. Realize and understand and accept that "weakness" for the illusion he offered you. It doesn't make you a bad person at all - but failing to accept YOUR role is not healthy either.

 

The question, for you, is why? how? What allowed me to fall into this with a MM? And these would be valid questions to ask if this had been a "normal breakup" of single guy and single gal. I think its part of the healing and growing we all do.

 

For all you people who don't really intend on giving support, please don't beat yourself up because you chose to stay in a ****ty relationship and I didn't. Better still, stay out of this forum. Look above, it says "the other man / woman". If you are a fBS, why the hell are you in here? Cuz you'd rather be in my shoes?

Where did that come from? Why lash out at others? If they lash out at you - ignore them. I do it all the time. Believe me, most people here start out positively hating me.

 

And humiliation? You may ask? If my boyfriend or husband moved his mistress in for 6 months, told all my friends and family he wanted a divorce because he was in love with a woman 10 years younger, I think that qualifies as humiliation. Putting pictures on facebook, having your arms around a younger woman, have friends delete you because you took off the 'married status'? Yes! That will be humiliation. If somebody did that to me, I will either dump him, or take him back just AND make his life a MISERABLE HELL.

Again...you would be guilty of the same.

 

You TOO did many of these same actions. It doesn't make you humiliated or weak or pathetic - it makes you a woman in love. And hurt. In fact, consider the strength it takes to do what the BS does DESPITE THIS.

 

You are not weak or pathetic or humiliated.

Neither is the BS.

 

Both in love with a worm masquerading as a man. Each given words of love and promises of tomorrow. But his ACTIONS belie whatever his intent is.

 

tbh, you come off as bitter.

Don't be. Its not a competition between BS and OW. Never is.

You, one of the very rare few, have insight into both sides of the MM. The lies and deceit weaved and spun. It ensnared you AND the BS.

 

Don't hate HER for falling into the same TRAP set by him.

 

Deep breath. Smile at your lucky escape.

 

Now, go drive across America.

[Silly_Girl]

That's a fantastic post jwi71.

[fooled once]

I ditto everything that jwl said.

 

Poke ((hugs)) now time for you to move forward.

[TinaniT]

I am glad you found more information for yourself.

 

I will admit that the way I found LoveShack is trying to see if I could find his now exwife's online posts before I moved out. I had never really "known" about internet forums before and I was told she was addicted to them, spending many hours a day on them. This was before I started my own counseling and I was nervous that he was somehow laying a trap for me- a natural suspicion considering past relationships - and was hoping for verification or words against. I never found them and found Loveshack instead. If I had found them, and they were against what he said, I would likely have paraphrase posted them, too.

[jennie-jennie]

unless it's like Jennie-Jennie's sitch where she doesn't care that he is staying married

 

Wherever did you get that idea?

[BB07]

SG said.........

That's a fantastic post jwi71.

 

 

BB says DITTO!

[whichwayisup]

That's a fantastic post jwi71.

 

Me too! Great post reply.