How do I get over this guy, I feel depressed!

[flowergirl85]

I met this guy 3 months ago through friends. He is a visiting PhD student from Germany and I thought he was really cute and smart. i had gotten out of a 3.5 year abusive relationship and was ready to have fun again. I hooked up with him one night a party and we kept seeing each other for 2 months. We would mostly see each other at parties and be all over each other and have sex. We also went on two dates. He was very shy, awkward and sexually inexperienced and told me that he had never had a girlfriend before. Things were a little awkward between us and I always felt that he was cold and emotionally distant. So I decided to give him personal space and take things slow. I attributed the slowness and awkwardness to his shyness and inexperience.

 

Three weeks ago we had a talk about our relationship status. He told me he feels strongly for me but I do not rock his world and he is not falling in love with me. But he said that we should still keep seeing each other. He blew hot and cold for another couple of weeks and made me confused. Then last week he had a talk with me where he told me that he does not have a deep emotional connection with me although he feels intense physical attraction and wants to have a casual relationship. I agreed halfheartedly. He also told me that he has a lot of issues in his life as his younger sister is critically ill in the hospital with a heart infection. I did not probe further because I did not want to invade his personal space.

 

A couple of days ago I went to his house for a party. He acted cold and distant and showed no affection to me. I ended up staying over and we had sex. In the morning I felt terrible, like used and abused as if he was only interested in me for sex. So yesterday I confronted him at a party when we were both drunk. I told him that I was angry at him and he told me that he ignored me on purpose because he did not want to get emotionally involved. He said that at first he thought he could fall in love with me but has realized that his emotions are not that strong. He really likes me and is attracted to me but is not infatuated. And he does not want to get into a relationship halfheartedly; he said that he will wait for a girl who will completely rock his world and that the casual relationship was a bad idea. He also said that he was offended because I did not ask him about his sister and seemed preoccupied about my own thoughts. But I simply did not ask him because I did not want to seem too clingy or emotional! He kind of implied that the emotional distance and awkwardness was my fault but he was the one who blew hot and cold! He said that he will hold out on sex and dating and wait for the girl who he feels completely in love with. I ended up crying in front of him and being very vulnerable and emotional. He also seemed extremely sad because his sister is dying.

 

I feel super hurt and rejected. I acted like a complete emotional mess in front of him and cause him a lot of trouble when he was already preoccupied with his dying sister. How can I get over this and be normal again? Also how should I go about redeeming the situation with him?

[Mellisa]

I met this guy 3 months ago through friends. He is a visiting PhD student from Germany and I thought he was really cute and smart. i had gotten out of a 3.5 year abusive relationship and was ready to have fun again. I hooked up with him one night a party and we kept seeing each other for 2 months. We would mostly see each other at parties and be all over each other and have sex. We also went on two dates. He was very shy, awkward and sexually inexperienced and told me that he had never had a girlfriend before. Things were a little awkward between us and I always felt that he was cold and emotionally distant. So I decided to give him personal space and take things slow. I attributed the slowness and awkwardness to his shyness and inexperience.

 

Three weeks ago we had a talk about our relationship status. He told me he feels strongly for me but I do not rock his world and he is not falling in love with me. But he said that we should still keep seeing each other. He blew hot and cold for another couple of weeks and made me confused. Then last week he had a talk with me where he told me that he does not have a deep emotional connection with me although he feels intense physical attraction and wants to have a casual relationship. I agreed halfheartedly. He also told me that he has a lot of issues in his life as his younger sister is critically ill in the hospital with a heart infection. I did not probe further because I did not want to invade his personal space.

 

A couple of days ago I went to his house for a party. He acted cold and distant and showed no affection to me. I ended up staying over and we had sex. In the morning I felt terrible, like used and abused as if he was only interested in me for sex. So yesterday I confronted him at a party when we were both drunk. I told him that I was angry at him and he told me that he ignored me on purpose because he did not want to get emotionally involved. He said that at first he thought he could fall in love with me but has realized that his emotions are not that strong. He really likes me and is attracted to me but is not infatuated. And he does not want to get into a relationship halfheartedly; he said that he will wait for a girl who will completely rock his world and that the casual relationship was a bad idea. He also said that he was offended because I did not ask him about his sister and seemed preoccupied about my own thoughts. But I simply did not ask him because I did not want to seem too clingy or emotional! He kind of implied that the emotional distance and awkwardness was my fault but he was the one who blew hot and cold! He said that he will hold out on sex and dating and wait for the girl who he feels completely in love with. I ended up crying in front of him and being very vulnerable and emotional. He also seemed extremely sad because his sister is dying.

 

I feel super hurt and rejected. I acted like a complete emotional mess in front of him and cause him a lot of trouble when he was already preoccupied with his dying sister. How can I get over this and be normal again? Also how should I go about redeeming the situation with him?

 

It's really didnt have to be that messy and complicated.Whatever you wanted you two to be,he didnt want that.He had made it clear he didnt like you enough, while you liked him enough to be that emotional and vulnerable.

 

The best idea is to cut him off,no seeing or talking or messaging him.Just be strong and get out.It's no longer any healthy for you.The longer you stay in this,you'll only get more vulnerable and end up getting hurt worse.You need the time and space to gain a clearer pespective.Focus on your life,work harder at your job, spend more time with your friends,pick up a new interest,hook up with a new guy etc.As cliche as it sounds,you'll get over this over time.

[mitchell]

Sounds like he's just not into you, but is happy to have sex with you. You are convenient. You kept going back to him and having sex even though he was "cold and distant". Even when he ignored you, you slept with him.

 

Is the sex really good for you? I hope he's a good lover and makes your efforts worth your while. If not, you should move on and find someone who cares about you for more than sex.

[hoping2heal]

I met this guy 3 months ago through friends. He is a visiting PhD student from Germany and I thought he was really cute and smart. i had gotten out of a 3.5 year abusive relationship and was ready to have fun again. I hooked up with him one night a party and we kept seeing each other for 2 months. We would mostly see each other at parties and be all over each other and have sex. We also went on two dates. He was very shy, awkward and sexually inexperienced and told me that he had never had a girlfriend before. Things were a little awkward between us and I always felt that he was cold and emotionally distant. So I decided to give him personal space and take things slow. I attributed the slowness and awkwardness to his shyness and inexperience.

 

Three weeks ago we had a talk about our relationship status. He told me he feels strongly for me but I do not rock his world and he is not falling in love with me. But he said that we should still keep seeing each other. He blew hot and cold for another couple of weeks and made me confused. Then last week he had a talk with me where he told me that he does not have a deep emotional connection with me although he feels intense physical attraction and wants to have a casual relationship. I agreed halfheartedly. He also told me that he has a lot of issues in his life as his younger sister is critically ill in the hospital with a heart infection. I did not probe further because I did not want to invade his personal space.

 

A couple of days ago I went to his house for a party. He acted cold and distant and showed no affection to me. I ended up staying over and we had sex. In the morning I felt terrible, like used and abused as if he was only interested in me for sex. So yesterday I confronted him at a party when we were both drunk. I told him that I was angry at him and he told me that he ignored me on purpose because he did not want to get emotionally involved. He said that at first he thought he could fall in love with me but has realized that his emotions are not that strong. He really likes me and is attracted to me but is not infatuated. And he does not want to get into a relationship halfheartedly; he said that he will wait for a girl who will completely rock his world and that the casual relationship was a bad idea. He also said that he was offended because I did not ask him about his sister and seemed preoccupied about my own thoughts. But I simply did not ask him because I did not want to seem too clingy or emotional! He kind of implied that the emotional distance and awkwardness was my fault but he was the one who blew hot and cold! He said that he will hold out on sex and dating and wait for the girl who he feels completely in love with. I ended up crying in front of him and being very vulnerable and emotional. He also seemed extremely sad because his sister is dying.

 

I feel super hurt and rejected. I acted like a complete emotional mess in front of him and cause him a lot of trouble when he was already preoccupied with his dying sister. How can I get over this and be normal again? Also how should I go about redeeming the situation with him?

 

It sounds like you have bigger fish to fry than redeeming yourself with this man. I think you should do a little introspective thinking and figure out why you willingly let others "use and abuse" you. This guy used you for sex and at some point when you had a talk about your relationship he was completely honest with what he wanted. Sex. You knew that and had sex with him anyway. You mention that you got out of a 3.5 year abusive relationship. Was this your first abusive relationship of your life? Or were there others or others abusing you?

 

I think you need to start by doing yourself a favor and staying away from this guy and more importantly out of his bed. He is not interested in anything but sex and it is very clear you want more than that. Continuing to have sex with him won't make him change his mind. He simply does not want you that way, it might hurt your feelings but we all face rejection from time to time. You are going to continue this cycle of feeling terrible about yourself if you continue to do things like get used for sex by men especially men who tell you ahead of time and you go along with it anyway.

 

I don't doubt that 3.5 year abusive relationship really put a lot of dysfunctional and destructive patterns/thinking into your head. You need to heal from that.