Stay or Leave?

[sfranks1492]

With a very heavy heart I writing this to ask for advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year this friday. We moved in together back in June. When we first met, my boyfriend had some serious trust issues. His prior girlfriend cheated on him with his good friend and got pregnant. Hence the reason for trust issues. When we first started dating I was dating multiple people as I'd just gotten out of a 14yr relationship with my exfiance who cheated on me with our 22yr old nanny (he was 37) Anyway, my now boyfriend wanted me to stop seeing all the other guys and only focus on a relationship with him. I decided that he was a great guy and I would commit to a relationship with just him. One week into our dating he found an old picture and some text messages from one of the guys I had been seeing. It was a very sexual picture and the text message was inappropriate. He told me that evening that he couldn't trust me and ask me to leave. Long story short, he and I worked through his trust issues and one year later he has NO issues whatsoever with trusting me. I've been totally 100% faithful. And, because of his insistance in the beginning that I only be with him and that he would not be with someone whom he could not trust, I believed fully in my heart that I would NEVER have to worry about him cheating. With all relationships, all couples have their share of issues. He is a dominant partner and has strong opinions and feelings. I also am strong willed and will communicate so. About 11 months into the relationship I snooped into his laptop and found an email where he replied to a posting on craigslist where a couple was looking for a third to join them for a casual encounter. My heart sank and I was devastated. I didn't want to jump to conclusions but what other conclusion could there be. If he has simply looked, that would be one thing; however, he replied. For a couple weeks I went and did not discuss this issue with him; yet, I was very antsy and suspicious of every move he made. Before now I had NO reason to ever believe he would be unfaithful. It got to a point where I was going to explode so I finally told him what was bothering me. He denied it at first until I made me go into his sent box in his email and see that it was there plain as day. He finally told me that he was feeling unhappy in our relationship and this was something that got him excited sexually. I of course was devastated that it took something of this magnitude to get him excited as we currently only have sex about once per month. I am an able and willing partner and would have sex daily if he participated. But he told me that when he is with a woman he gets emotionally attached and the physical/sex becomes secondary and less important. Don't get me wrong, when we do have sex it's amazing, but it is less frequent than I would like. So I go back to my question, why would he solicit sex if we aren't having it as frequently as I'd like. His answer, "he fantasizes about a threesome and that gets him excited". Personally that's not my cup of tea but I would oblige simply to make a man happy. I can be freaky too, but I am in love with him and prefer to only be with him. Anyway, to get to the point. It has now become difficult for me to forget. I have forgiven him ( I think) but I can't FORGET about what happened. The bigger issue is that he is the type of person that gets upset easily and when his is upset or angry he simply doesn't talk to me. He will go three or four days without communicating when he is upset. He recently said to me, "If you continue to do this, then it is likely we'll ever get married". I replied, "I simply don't care anymore." He now will not speak to me and we live together. It appears that no matter what happens in our relationship, it is always my fault. I love him more than anyone will ever know and I have two children who adore him. I don't want to be without him, but I also have NEVER let a man control me or treat me in such a manner. If you've read this far I could really use some advice.

 

thanks

ME

[goingstrong]

I am an able and willing partner and would have sex daily if he participated. But he told me that when he is with a woman he gets emotionally attached and the physical/sex becomes secondary and less important. Don't get me wrong, when we do have sex it's amazing, but it is less frequent than I would like.

 

Sex issues in the beginning don't bode well for later...the issues will only grow.

 

So I go back to my question, why would he solicit sex if we aren't having it as frequently as I'd like. His answer, "he fantasizes about a threesome and that gets him excited". Personally that's not my cup of tea but I would oblige simply to make a man happy.

ME

 

A man who pimps out his SO for his sexual gratification is not worth your time. Combine this with his dishonesty, and you have a man with no honor or integrity. Besides, threesomes rarely work out...only have a threesome with a partner your willing to lose.

You sound like a woman who has a lot to offer someone, and this may be over simplifying things, but you can do better.

[pablopedro]

Maybe he's gay or bisexual. You stated he wanted a threesome with a couple and not a threesome with you and some other woman. I'm assuming the threesome would be with some random girl and her boyfriend. Maybe that does excite him. And since he has trust issues, it's probably easier for him to find some random couple on CL instead of inviting another man over to have sex with you and him.

 

And the fact you only have sex once per month and you've only been together for about a year, there probably are a lot of other factors. He might prefer men but doesn't want to come out of the closet.

[Graceful]

Do you really want your kids to be around someone who wants to have sex in a threesome? There is nothing wrong with threesomes if there are no kids in the picture, but you have kids. This is just not going to work.

 

You have to put your kids first. Do you really want them to see the two of you giving each other the silent treatment every time you have a problem? This guy sounds very non-confrontational, almost in a pathological way. And the fact your sex life is already "off" does not bode well for a future together.

 

And it does sound odd that he wanted a threesome with a couple. I mean, what if you did say ok to the idea ... who would be the third person, another woman, or a man? Are you really prepared for that?

 

I think this ship has sailed, sorry to have to say it, but I just don't think anything will get better if you stay with him, so you need to cut him loose, stay on your own for a while, then get back in the game. Again, you really have to put your kids first. Good luck.

[sfranks1492]

Graceful, thanks for the reply. A lot of what you say makes total sense. It's harder to do than say - acting and actually leaving is the tough part. We live together and share a lease together. The last guy I lived with I had to deal with for 5 months until our lease expired and it just wasn't the most comfortable situation. Just a month ago I NEVER would have had an ounce of doubt in my mind about my boyfriend. I guess what he says and what he does is totally different. And, yes, you are right, my kids come first. They don't see us fight though. I only have them on the weekends and they are with their dad Mon thru Thurs. So we keep our problems private and away from the kids. I don't want them to know we have problems. Yet, my kids adore him and it would hurt them just as much to see him go. Honestly, we've had minimal problems. I came to terms with the sex issue. We had sex daily for the first four months and it was amazing...then it started to dwindle the longer we were together. When I questioned him about it he would tell me that he was now emotionally attached to me and he would rather cuddle than have sex. He also told me that it was more exciting and harder core in the beginning and that for him it takes a lot to turn him on. I, too, questioned why he wanted a threesome with a couple - male and female. He would always tell me thought that he wanted a threesome with me and another female and that is his fantasy. Another thing I came to question was his interest in what he calls "tossing salad". For those who don't know what that means he likes women who will stimulate him anally with their tongues. Again, not my favorite thing to do, but I want to please my partner and will do so to make him happy. If I role play or initiate by being hard core or raunchy...he is interested. But he doesn't get interested simply by being affectionate or passionate. I want to make love, not just have sex. But once again, I have very strong feelings for this man and find it difficult to leave. I was in a 14 yr relationship prior and find myself with men who have similar personalities and are very aggressive and strong willed....what to do???

[sfranks1492]

Something to add that might help make sense of things....I am a very thin woman. I've not always been thin. Two years ago I lost 170 lbs through gastric bypass. I look amazing...just like when I was in high school and I'm totally happy I chose to do it. However, my skin is looser than I'd like so I'm not as attractive with my clothes off as I am with my clothes on. I'm concerned that maybe he has grown less attracted to me and that is why he is not as physical with me. He's told me that he is totally supportive of me having the surgery to remove and tighten the skin. And when months have gone by and I haven't looked into the surgery, he will remind me. He says that it's not a MUST but it would be a good thing for me. He wants me to be happy...and I'm sure a part of him would be pleased with it. But if you saw me, you'd NEVER know I had excess skin. I totally look GREAT! He simply tends to be very opinionated and tactless at times. So I've come to learn that what he says is not aimed at being mean or crude rather he just speaks his mind. Unfortunately I'm very sensitive because of what I've been through and I want someone who loves me for me and not for just how I look. At times I feel like I am a showcase item for his friends...at times he tries to dictate to me how to wear my hair and how to dress (actually reminding me of the hair style he prefers and the outfit he likes when we go out) Granted I love his opinion and want to look wonderful ALWAYS but I feel like he is not recommending rather telling sometimes...

[hoping2heal]

With a very heavy heart I writing this to ask for advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year this friday. We moved in together back in June. When we first met, my boyfriend had some serious trust issues. His prior girlfriend cheated on him with his good friend and got pregnant. Hence the reason for trust issues. When we first started dating I was dating multiple people as I'd just gotten out of a 14yr relationship with my exfiance who cheated on me with our 22yr old nanny (he was 37) Anyway, my now boyfriend wanted me to stop seeing all the other guys and only focus on a relationship with him. I decided that he was a great guy and I would commit to a relationship with just him. One week into our dating he found an old picture and some text messages from one of the guys I had been seeing. It was a very sexual picture and the text message was inappropriate. He told me that evening that he couldn't trust me and ask me to leave. Long story short, he and I worked through his trust issues and one year later he has NO issues whatsoever with trusting me. I've been totally 100% faithful. And, because of his insistance in the beginning that I only be with him and that he would not be with someone whom he could not trust, I believed fully in my heart that I would NEVER have to worry about him cheating. With all relationships, all couples have their share of issues. He is a dominant partner and has strong opinions and feelings. I also am strong willed and will communicate so. About 11 months into the relationship I snooped into his laptop and found an email where he replied to a posting on craigslist where a couple was looking for a third to join them for a casual encounter. My heart sank and I was devastated. I didn't want to jump to conclusions but what other conclusion could there be. If he has simply looked, that would be one thing; however, he replied. For a couple weeks I went and did not discuss this issue with him; yet, I was very antsy and suspicious of every move he made. Before now I had NO reason to ever believe he would be unfaithful. It got to a point where I was going to explode so I finally told him what was bothering me. He denied it at first until I made me go into his sent box in his email and see that it was there plain as day. He finally told me that he was feeling unhappy in our relationship and this was something that got him excited sexually. I of course was devastated that it took something of this magnitude to get him excited as we currently only have sex about once per month. I am an able and willing partner and would have sex daily if he participated. But he told me that when he is with a woman he gets emotionally attached and the physical/sex becomes secondary and less important. Don't get me wrong, when we do have sex it's amazing, but it is less frequent than I would like. So I go back to my question, why would he solicit sex if we aren't having it as frequently as I'd like. His answer, "he fantasizes about a threesome and that gets him excited". Personally that's not my cup of tea but I would oblige simply to make a man happy. I can be freaky too, but I am in love with him and prefer to only be with him. Anyway, to get to the point. It has now become difficult for me to forget. I have forgiven him ( I think) but I can't FORGET about what happened. The bigger issue is that he is the type of person that gets upset easily and when his is upset or angry he simply doesn't talk to me. He will go three or four days without communicating when he is upset. He recently said to me, "If you continue to do this, then it is likely we'll ever get married". I replied, "I simply don't care anymore." He now will not speak to me and we live together. It appears that no matter what happens in our relationship, it is always my fault. I love him more than anyone will ever know and I have two children who adore him. I don't want to be without him, but I also have NEVER let a man control me or treat me in such a manner. If you've read this far I could really use some advice.

 

thanks

ME

 

I am glad you picked up on the control issue. Emotional blackmail is playing VERY, and I mean VERY dirty and it is totally and absolutely destructive to relationships. It is also an emotionally abusive action.

 

You are right that all relationships have issues and things to work on. Is shutting you out for days at a time because he is angry, or using threats of control, something he is willing to work on eliminating? You can choose to stay with him wether he works on putting an end to it or not but I can promise you will find no happiness if he doesn't. I would talk to him and tell him blatantly what he is doing and how it makes you feel.

 

Now that is already one pretty heavy load.

Then there is the second part brought in.

 

The fact that he is going behind your back to arrange threesomes. Instead of telling you that he was unhappy in the relationship he decided to go behind your back and cheat? I know he didn't follow through with it because you caught him, I believe he would have though. That should quite frankly scare you ****less. The man was cheated on, he knows the hurt and sense of betrayel and yet instead of expressing he is unhappy in the relationship- he decides to go behind your back.

 

Then, he is lying to you. You mentioned that you only have sex once a month and you are more than willing to have sex more often and have made it clear you are willing to be open minded to meeting his desires. He tells you when he becomes emotionally involved with a woman he likes to have sex less frequently. Well that just doesn't add up does it? I think we both know it doesn't, afterall he's out there searching for something to "excite" him.

 

I'm not sure what is really behind that but if he can only get "excited" and "fulfilled" having illicet sex outside of your relationship, Houston you've got a problem.

 

I understand that leaving is easier said than done, but don't let your emotions blind you either.

[sfranks1492]

Everything you say rings true and I've thought it through over and over again. I'm just stunned by what I found and am truly disappointed by it. I half wish I never snooped and didnt find it because then I wouldn't be hurting so bad. But then again, it may have just been worse down the road and in the long haul.

 

I only unloaded all the negative things about our relationship and of course didn't mention all of the positive things. On a regular basis he surprises me with little things that I never would have expected. Flowers, mini trips, special treats he knows I like. One day he called me at work and gave me an address to punch into my GPS. He said drive to this location and be there by 1:00pm. When I arrived it was Massage Envy. He had purchased a day of pampering for me at the facility. Another time, he said not to make plans for October 30th. So the morning of he was running around preparing his arrangements for the day. He arranged a sitter and everything for my kids. We started driving and three hours later we pulled into State College. He was taking me back to PSU for the PSU vs Michigan game. I hadn't been back for 12 years. All the while, he snuck all my PSU clothes and gear into his trunk while I wasn't looking and had everything ready for me to change. He even took me to the players VIP club where I met a few of his friends who were old PSU players. It was the best time. And he planned it all for me. These are just a few of the things he has done for me. And he does something at least once per month.

 

So when I discovered he was unhappy I was baffled because I had NO CLUE. I thought things were great and we both we content. Relationships after a period of time can always be more exciting and spiced up, but I thought we were good. I want to believe him when he swears he WOULD NEVER CHEAT...but his actions say otherwise. He told me many times in our relationship that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...and he'd prefer that I show him how I feel versus tell him.

 

Additionally, I'm not the first female in his life that has had issues with the sex after a longer period. A girl he dated out of state he would only see on weekends and she ended things because he preferred to cuddle and be emotional with her versus having sex every time he was there. So I believe him when he says that he prefers the raw emotional pleasure of being able to hold and sleep with me every night over having sex all the time. When I said we've only had sex about once per month, that was pretty accurate but only over the last few months. Ironically, when I found the email and told him about it...the very next Thursday and Saturday we had sex. Then again the following Tuesday. He said that he promised he would be more physical with me because he was being selfish and not thinking of my needs.

 

So since this has all occurred he has made some pretty big changes. He's deleted phone numbers, facebook friends, etc...all in an effort to make me more comfortable. However, in this day and age...technology is a means for cheating and if someone wants to cheat emotionally or physically it's pretty easy to accomplish. So I'm back to square one. I want to be with him. I love him. But I see some pretty serious warning signals.

[hoping2heal]

Everything you say rings true and I've thought it through over and over again. I'm just stunned by what I found and am truly disappointed by it. I half wish I never snooped and didnt find it because then I wouldn't be hurting so bad. But then again, it may have just been worse down the road and in the long haul.

 

The truth always comes out eventually and yes, I imagine it would have been more hurtful as time went on.

 

I only unloaded all the negative things about our relationship and of course didn't mention all of the positive things. On a regular basis he surprises me with little things that I never would have expected. Flowers, mini trips, special treats he knows I like. One day he called me at work and gave me an address to punch into my GPS. He said drive to this location and be there by 1:00pm. When I arrived it was Massage Envy. He had purchased a day of pampering for me at the facility. Another time, he said not to make plans for October 30th. So the morning of he was running around preparing his arrangements for the day. He arranged a sitter and everything for my kids. We started driving and three hours later we pulled into State College. He was taking me back to PSU for the PSU vs Michigan game. I hadn't been back for 12 years. All the while, he snuck all my PSU clothes and gear into his trunk while I wasn't looking and had everything ready for me to change. He even took me to the players VIP club where I met a few of his friends who were old PSU players. It was the best time. And he planned it all for me. These are just a few of the things he has done for me. And he does something at least once per month.

 

I don't doubt there were positives in your relationship. It is great he did so many things for you. Unfortunately, he can do all of those things until he is blue in the face and none of it will fix the problems.

 

So when I discovered he was unhappy I was baffled because I had NO CLUE. I thought things were great and we both we content. Relationships after a period of time can always be more exciting and spiced up, but I thought we were good. I want to believe him when he swears he WOULD NEVER CHEAT...but his actions say otherwise. He told me many times in our relationship that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...and he'd prefer that I show him how I feel versus tell him.

 

 

Yes, that is what would scare me. That I didn't KNOW my partner was unhappy. I would be worried because he chooses not to express himself in a healthy manner so we can work on it, and two because I'm being lied too. If there is a problem in your relationship and your partner is working hard to disguise it? Big problem. If you cannot tell? Another big problem. That signals a disconnect or a connection never truly made between the two of you.

 

Additionally, I'm not the first female in his life that has had issues with the

sex after a longer period. A girl he dated out of state he would only see on weekends and she ended things because he preferred to cuddle and be emotional with her versus having sex every time he was there. So I believe him when he says that he prefers the raw emotional pleasure of being able to hold and sleep with me every night over having sex all the time. When I said we've only had sex about once per month, that was pretty accurate but only over the last few months. Ironically, when I found the email and told him about it...the very next Thursday and Saturday we had sex. Then again the following Tuesday. He said that he promised he would be more physical with me because he was being selfish and not thinking of my needs.

 

Giving him the benefit of the doubt on his whole emotional/cuddle thing, OK perhaps he is telling the truth about that - but it doesn't change the fact that he needs illicit sex to be satisfied. That is going to be another hindrance to your relationship.

 

So since this has all occurred he has made some pretty big changes. He's deleted phone numbers, facebook friends, etc...all in an effort to make me more comfortable. However, in this day and age...technology is a means for cheating and if someone wants to cheat emotionally or physically it's pretty easy to accomplish. So I'm back to square one. I want to be with him. I love him. But I see some pretty serious warning signals.

 

I would be treading VERY lightly at this point.

[Graceful]

Everything you say rings true and I've thought it through over and over again. I'm just stunned by what I found and am truly disappointed by it. I half wish I never snooped and didnt find it because then I wouldn't be hurting so bad. But then again, it may have just been worse down the road and in the long haul.

 

I only unloaded all the negative things about our relationship and of course didn't mention all of the positive things. On a regular basis he surprises me with little things that I never would have expected. Flowers, mini trips, special treats he knows I like. One day he called me at work and gave me an address to punch into my GPS. He said drive to this location and be there by 1:00pm. When I arrived it was Massage Envy. He had purchased a day of pampering for me at the facility. Another time, he said not to make plans for October 30th. So the morning of he was running around preparing his arrangements for the day. He arranged a sitter and everything for my kids. We started driving and three hours later we pulled into State College. He was taking me back to PSU for the PSU vs Michigan game. I hadn't been back for 12 years. All the while, he snuck all my PSU clothes and gear into his trunk while I wasn't looking and had everything ready for me to change. He even took me to the players VIP club where I met a few of his friends who were old PSU players. It was the best time. And he planned it all for me. These are just a few of the things he has done for me. And he does something at least once per month.

 

So when I discovered he was unhappy I was baffled because I had NO CLUE. I thought things were great and we both we content. Relationships after a period of time can always be more exciting and spiced up, but I thought we were good. I want to believe him when he swears he WOULD NEVER CHEAT...but his actions say otherwise. He told me many times in our relationship that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...and he'd prefer that I show him how I feel versus tell him.

 

Additionally, I'm not the first female in his life that has had issues with the sex after a longer period. A girl he dated out of state he would only see on weekends and she ended things because he preferred to cuddle and be emotional with her versus having sex every time he was there. So I believe him when he says that he prefers the raw emotional pleasure of being able to hold and sleep with me every night over having sex all the time. When I said we've only had sex about once per month, that was pretty accurate but only over the last few months. Ironically, when I found the email and told him about it...the very next Thursday and Saturday we had sex. Then again the following Tuesday. He said that he promised he would be more physical with me because he was being selfish and not thinking of my needs.

 

So since this has all occurred he has made some pretty big changes. He's deleted phone numbers, facebook friends, etc...all in an effort to make me more comfortable. However, in this day and age...technology is a means for cheating and if someone wants to cheat emotionally or physically it's pretty easy to accomplish. So I'm back to square one. I want to be with him. I love him. But I see some pretty serious warning signals.

 

I'm sorry, I do see this very compassionately on your part, b/c I do think he is trying to change and make amends. It does sound like he is beating himself up for what he did.

 

I actually think he may feel shame for his sexual preferences and would like to change, but who knows if he really can?

 

I think you need to have some mediated sessions in counseling, if you have any hope at all. If you can find a counselor that you trust, it is the only way you can get an objective person to mediate and help navigate the two of you to a path that will either bring you together, or show you that you cannot be together.

 

As I said, it sounds like he is really suffering from shame, I don't see what he did as outright lying and attempting to cheat. I see it as crossing a boundary, yes, but I do not think he wants to be the way he is.

 

Insofar as his overall lack of a sex drive for traditional sex, that's something you either live with or you don't. All r/l's calm down to a certain extent, especially when there are kids around, but it's still a red flag to have so many concerns prior to marriage.

 

Lastly, regarding your weight loss -- (congratulations on your success!) -- I do think this is a VERY big detail, so glad you included it. It sounds like he is attracted to you and wants to show you off, but a little heavy handed. I am a very small woman myself who has never had a weight problem, and the men in my life certainly are happy with my body, but they have never told me or asked me to dress a certain way! I guess they like my taste, I don't know, but that would definitely be a concern to me. Who does that? That's definitely a sign of control that is not healthy.

 

You have a lot to think about. Again, if you can get a mediator, that is your best bet. Get all the cards on the table in a non-confrontational environment, with a third party that will give your concerns context and help you with a discussion. Your gut is telling you one thing, your heart is telling you another. I honestly do not know if there is much hope for a future, but you may not be able to live with yourself if you don't get to the root of these serious issues, at least that way if you break it off, you will have clarity, as much as it will be very painful.

Edited December 2, 2010 by Graceful

[princedavis]

usually guys can just hit and quit it and the girl can fall in love in one night. but it takes some time for men to actually KNOW that their with their soulmate. no doubts no its,buts none of the nonsense.