LostInTurn Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 For those of you who were on the receiving end of a breakup, AKA - Dumpee... should your ex realize their mistake(s) and decide some grand gesture is required. Would you, as hurt as you may be and through the words you write on these threads, accept their display of care and regret if they were to appear in front of you with an explanation and an apology? Many of us on here often wonder 'why'... I may set out to bring that answer to someone. Post whether you'd receive this type of gesture well. Situations alike, details different, this type of effort would the same for all breakups (there was no cheating involved. I know that's a monumental factor in answering something like this for some)
EricaH329 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I appreciate the idea of this thread, but the dumpees have also made mistakes. It isn't about who made the bigger mistake, it's about recognizing the mistakes made on both parts, and forgiving to allow room for improvement in ones life. Why wouldn't someone forgive another for a mistake they admit to, and seek forgiveness for? Especially when no one is perfect, and both parties made mistakes.
IfiKnewThen Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 agreed! couldnt have said it better myself
WTRanger Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 If in my situation she came back and honestly and openly talked, then I would respond in kind. I would forgive and forget, then move on with my life. I'm not holding my breath, and neither should anyone else. The forgiveness we seek should come from within.
strength-abounds Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Over the holiday weekend, I spent some time with family members that never fully understood what went down between the ExW and myself. Shockingly to my amazement, I described the breakup with very little anger or resentment. To answer your post, I probably would tell her that I have forgiven her for her misdeeds and asked for forgiveness for mine. However, I would not entertain any notion for reconciliation. The past is the past. I have learned so much over this divorce and I think if I would to enter a relationship with my ExW, all that knowledge would be in vain.
VJW Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I feel like it is more important for me to voice to him my apologies for what I did wrong in the relationship. That way I can own my mistakes and feel more confident going into my next relationship a better person. I honestly feel that even though this hurts really bad I am learning so much about myself and my priorities when it comes to a relationship. Sometimes it takes a huge amount of hurt to realize what you as a person need to work on to make yourself the best you can be. Only then can you have the best possible relationship.
Author LostInTurn Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Ok, because I'm considering flying 3000 miles to do this. My apology and words need to happen in person. There's no question. I'm the reason the relationship ended. He didn't choose this.
Ajax Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 For those of you who were on the receiving end of a breakup, AKA - Dumpee... should your ex realize their mistake(s) and decide some grand gesture is required. Would you, as hurt as you may be and through the words you write on these threads, accept their display of care and regret if they were to appear in front of you with an explanation and an apology? Many of us on here often wonder 'why'... I may set out to bring that answer to someone. Post whether you'd receive this type of gesture well. Situations alike, details different, this type of effort would the same for all breakups (there was no cheating involved. I know that's a monumental factor in answering something like this for some) I don't think there's a catch all answer for this. Everyone is different and every situation is different. I think it would depend on how hurt he was by the breakup and how much time has gone by. What are you planning to say to him?
mistakesweremade Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 (edited) For those of you who were on the receiving end of a breakup, AKA - Dumpee... should your ex realize their mistake(s) and decide some grand gesture is required. Would you, as hurt as you may be and through the words you write on these threads, accept their display of care and regret if they were to appear in front of you with an explanation and an apology? Many of us on here often wonder 'why'... I may set out to bring that answer to someone. Post whether you'd receive this type of gesture well. Situations alike, details different, this type of effort would the same for all breakups (there was no cheating involved. I know that's a monumental factor in answering something like this for some) Well this exact scenerio happened to me. She drove 7 hours to where I live. On my birthday, after a year and a half apart. Apologized for treating me the way she did. I felt so in love the minute I saw her. There were thousands of people in the room. I'm not lying when I say for the first couple seconds when we locked eyes, it was just us in that room. Sadly all her proclaimations of love and will to do whatever it takes, dwindled. I'm not positive, but I think she had broken up with someone a little sooner than I thought. We haven't spoken in a week or so, I've called a few times, to no avail. Now I'm just left wondering what the hell just happened. So, my only advice be honest with yourself and your motivations. Make sure you are really prepared to back up what you say. Edited November 30, 2010 by mistakesweremade
reknown29 Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I appreciate the idea of this thread, but the dumpees have also made mistakes. It isn't about who made the bigger mistake, it's about recognizing the mistakes made on both parts, and forgiving to allow room for improvement in ones life. Why wouldn't someone forgive another for a mistake they admit to, and seek forgiveness for? Especially when no one is perfect, and both parties made mistakes. It depends on the situation. Anytime someone is surprised they were dumped, it is a communication problem and the blame (though I hate to place blame) is on the dumper. If communication was good then the dumpee would have known that things were going bad. If it was something obvious like cheating, physical abuse, etc. (even mental abuse should be communicated/ eg. "I feel that you are being mentally abusive"), then the person being dumped would not be surprised. I am really sick of communication problems and dumpees who are poor communicators saying it was the others fault. Not saying this is you but it was def my situation. Im the sort of person who blames myself first for everything. It takes a lot for me to think the other person did wrong and I am finally seeing that I was dumped over a simple communication problem that hurt the dumpers ego. Now she is seeing this and asking for me back but I cannot except someone who dumps someone so quickly without communicating first. The key to a solid relationship is good communication. Most people who stil lhave feelings, IMHO, after dumping someone is dealing with a communication problem. It should be clear that you do not have feeling anymore for someone when you push them away. Too many people go around carelessly breaking otheres hearts and its really starting to make me sick, the more stories I here... about dumpers sending texts a week later saying I miss you, etc. Its cruel, heartless and careless. Ok. Im done. For now.
Sonolumino Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I'd forgive her. I wouldn't take her back. Ever.
Author LostInTurn Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Basically, he really pushed me to give more than I could at that time. Our story is long and complicated. I wanted to take it slow, but he wanted way more than I was prepared to give. Before I left, we were looking at places to live. I walked away, I did this. I believe all he said to me and I didn't reciprocate it as fast as he would have likes. This is my fault, this time. I always blame myself, but this time... It truly is, my fault. I think about this every single day. I have literally, a three page letter for him. I'd mail it, but I want to know it gets to his hands. Also, I think going in person and delivering it, makes a statement that what the letter contains is truth. I'd fly 3000 miles to do this. Yes, I have gone over my options and I cannot shake this one. I won't have a difficult time walking away, I can't explain it... I just need to deliver this in person. I try to put myself in his shoes on how this would be received, I have no idea. I try, but I'm not him. I just know in my heart, this feels like the right thing.
Author LostInTurn Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Well this exact scenerio happened to me. She drove 7 hours to where I live. On my birthday, after a year and a half apart. Apologized for treating me the way she did. I felt so in love the minute I saw her. There were thousands of people in the room. I'm not lying when I say for the first couple seconds when we locked eyes, it was just us in that room. Sadly all her proclaimations of love and will to do whatever it takes, dwindled. I'm not positive, but I think she had broken up with someone a little sooner than I thought. We haven't spoken in a week or so, I've called a few times, to no avail. Now I'm just left wondering what the hell just happened. So, my only advice be honest with yourself and your motivations. Make sure you are really prepared to back up what you say. How did she leave things with you before she left? What happened? My motivation is, him. I owe this to him. Regardless of whether he has anything to say, I'm not looking for him to do or say anything. He needs to know that of all the people, of all the situations I've encountered in my life... He's impacted me more than any relationship or life lesson. My gosh I can't even put it into words on here.
mistakesweremade Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 How did she leave things with you before she left? What happened? My motivation is, him. I owe this to him. Regardless of whether he has anything to say, I'm not looking for him to do or say anything. He needs to know that of all the people, of all the situations I've encountered in my life... He's impacted me more than any relationship or life lesson. My gosh I can't even put it into words on here. When she left where I live after that weekend, things were great. We were working things out. I believe we moved too fast. She started saying I love you a few weeks after that. Then slowly she started to withdraw. She mentioned being jealous about her recent ex hanging out with her roommate. I told that made me feel uncomfortable. Then she would tell me she was going through depression, which she battles. After, would say don't worry thats not why I came back. Also would drop comments like "I don't know how to love". All this though, put those terrible seeds of doubt in my head, when maybe she was just being too honest. Finally, the last week she went speaking to me a couple times a day, to maybe a text message. I ended it when she said she would call and didn't. Maybe I overreacted, but this was the exact pattern from last time. God writing this makes me feel horrible. I tried calling her back to explain myself, but she wouldn't answer. Even after emailing me saying she wanted to talk, setting up date. She never answered when I called. That was yesterday. Today I sent her an email apologizing for my part our quick demise and let her know I harbored no ill feelings. That I also wanted it to work. To which she responded to fairly quickly saying she really wanted us to work. That she will always love me. I feel that will be our last correspondence for a long time. Honestly, you should do it. Really! I don't know this guy or you, but a word of advice. Don't say you are just doing it for you. Say you are doing it the both of you or for the sake of what can be. That should be the real reason. Good luck!
mistakesweremade Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 How did she leave things with you before she left? What happened? My motivation is, him. I owe this to him. Regardless of whether he has anything to say, I'm not looking for him to do or say anything. He needs to know that of all the people, of all the situations I've encountered in my life... He's impacted me more than any relationship or life lesson. My gosh I can't even put it into words on here. Sorry one more thing. The above quote, this is exactly what she felt. She actually said all of this and more. Definitely do it!
Author LostInTurn Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 When she left where I live after that weekend, things were great. We were working things out. I believe we moved too fast. She started saying I love you a few weeks after that. Then slowly she started to withdraw. She mentioned being jealous about her recent ex hanging out with her roommate. I told that made me feel uncomfortable. Then she would tell me she was going through depression, which she battles. After, would say don't worry thats not why I came back. Also would drop comments like "I don't know how to love". All this though, put those terrible seeds of doubt in my head, when maybe she was just being too honest. Finally, the last week she went speaking to me a couple times a day, to maybe a text message. I ended it when she said she would call and didn't. Maybe I overreacted, but this was the exact pattern from last time. God writing this makes me feel horrible. I tried calling her back to explain myself, but she wouldn't answer. Even after emailing me saying she wanted to talk, setting up date. She never answered when I called. That was yesterday. Today I sent her an email apologizing for my part our quick demise and let her know I harbored no ill feelings. That I also wanted it to work. To which she responded to fairly quickly saying she really wanted us to work. That she will always love me. I feel that will be our last correspondence for a long time. Honestly, you should do it. Really! I don't know this guy or you, but a word of advice. Don't say you are just doing it for you. Say you are doing it the both of you or for the sake of what can be. That should be the real reason. Good luck! In my original response to you, I wrote that I was doing this for 'him', but deleted it and re-stated because I didn't want it to be taken the wrong way. But yes, its for both of us. My heart because it feels as though it needs to and him... For so many reasons.
LikeCharlotte Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 For what it is worth I would accept an apology but the grand gestures would be unecessary. I am a one chance per lifetime girl. The gesture had better be with no hope of reconciliation or romantic relationship. Do what you think is right but please consider how you might feel if it is not well received.
Rosberg Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 i don't know how i'd react to her contacting me back saying she's sorry or whatever... but her being the comfortable type who likes to just lay in bed and cuddle...if she were to offer such a gesture....i'm sure i'd deny it because she hurt me. and she hurt me BAD. for some strange reasons though, i keep remembering when i told her (when we were dating) that if she ever wanted to come over and talk she could, no matter what time it was or anything, so i keep fantasising about her just coming over, saying she's sorry and regretting breaking up with me then we'd go and cuddle. Yes. i' know i'm weird, but in the whole world, i can't possibly be the only one who's ever had this weird fantasy.
skydiveaddict Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 For those of you who were on the receiving end of a breakup, AKA - Dumpee... should your ex realize their mistake(s) and decide some grand gesture is required. Would you, as hurt as you may be and through the words you write on these threads, accept their display of care and regret if they were to appear in front of you with an explanation and an apology? Many of us on here often wonder 'why'... I may set out to bring that answer to someone. Post whether you'd receive this type of gesture well. Situations alike, details different, this type of effort would the same for all breakups (there was no cheating involved. I know that's a monumental factor in answering something like this for some) I readily admit to being a "hopeless romantic". But I honestly don't know what I'd do given your scenario. I'd probably make the biggest mistake of my life and take her back.
VJW Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I was actually thinking about this tonight while I was at the gym. I asked myself if I came home tonight and he was there with a dozen lilies (my fav flower) and an apology would I take him back? I am proud to say that the answer would be no. I would let him know that this is time that I need to take to make myself a better person and to fall back in love with me, not him. That maybe down the road when we have both learned and healed from this we could see what might happen. If he did do this it would be a nice gesture and a nice ego boost! However, I'm not holding my breath...
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