threebyfate Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I'm curious about something. Most often, I read about people giving others the high road advice. And yet when it comes to their own dating and relationships, they don't always take the high road but are more than happy to come down on anyone else who doesn't. Why is that?
Mad Max Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Most people can give advice, but when they are in a similar situation they can't take it. As for taking the high road, it's a pride issue. Taking the high road involves swallowing your pride. It's easy to tell someone that, but when it happens to you most aren't willing to do it.
tb24 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Tu quoque. It's easy for someone who is not emotionally invested in the situation to see it from the perspective of logic and reason.
Surrealist Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Human beings are generally and typically a very selfish, hypocritical and cowardly bunch. I'm not just talking here about relationship advise, everywhere you look lately, everyone seems to be criticial of everyone else in one way or other. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. There use to be a saying that 'you can't please everyone'. I think that saying needs to be modernised to read 'you can't please anyone'. So what to do about it? Buy a kitten or a puppy who will appreciate your love and nurture, and reciprocate that love back.
Author threebyfate Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Don't get me wrong. I've done it too. But I've learned that it's much better to really look at the individuals and try as best as possible to gauge based on history, dynamics and current situation.
Star Gazer Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 In terms of suggesting the high road but not taking it oneself, I don't believe I've seen such a thing on LS. Cutting ties sooner than later, yes. I've seen that advocated, but not followed oneself. But not the high road approach.
dispatch3d Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 talk is cheap. Lot easier to tell someone to do it than to actually do it. Just like it's a lot easier to know the right course of action, than to actually do the right thing.
Author threebyfate Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 In terms of suggesting the high road but not taking it oneself, I don't believe I've seen such a thing on LS.It's happened in Sky's thread. Harshly so.
Star Gazer Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 It's happened in Sky's thread. Harshly so. I don't understand. Someone told her to take the high road in responding to that guy a certain way, but that person didn't respond to their guy/girl in a similar fashion? Admittedly, I haven't followed every poster's relationship history. Probably shouldn't have been so absolute with my last comment, as maybe I have seen it but just didn't realize...
Author threebyfate Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 I don't understand. Someone told her to take the high road in responding to that guy a certain way, but that person didn't respond to their guy/girl in a similar fashion? Admittedly, I haven't followed every poster's relationship history. Probably shouldn't have been so absolute with my last comment, as maybe I have seen it but just didn't realize...I too don't know every posters' history but from what I saw, it was appallingly hypocritical. And that's all I'm going to say. As I also stated in an earlier post, I too have been guilty of this in the past to some degree. What I'm trying to do, is to suggest that this type of posting isn't helpful for anyone beyond trying to make yourself look good.
Kamille Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 All right ! I'll take the bate. Please tell me in which ways I have been hypocritical.
Author threebyfate Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Yikes, I'm not stating who(s) it might be! That's against LS rules. I'm more interested in bringing the behaviour to light and having people address it within themselves privately.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 All right ! I'll take the bate. I second this notion! But I quote D-Jam, It's why I try to tell the tales of my past...and show I've made mistakes. The same mistakes most people make, but I learned from them. Most of the past posts I made on LS, I admit I have that mentality of sticking with the bad until the sh-t hits the fan. However, I have a habit of going back to my posts and rereading my past mistakes and learning from them. Yeah, they're can be shameful at times, and I wonder what the h-ll I was I thinking when I was going through my problems... I think I have done a good job so far of not repeating those mistakes.
JohnnyBlaze Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Not only is it pride, but emotion comes into play. Advice to others is purely logical. I can say "she's no good, leave her" and not think twice. However, when it's me doing it, I've been with her for the past two years and love her more than life itself, I may not be quite so ready to walk away. It's amazing what people will suffer for love.
Star Gazer Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I was thinking about this as I made dinner, as some people have brought up my emotional state from 4+ years ago when arguing against my advice. Obviously, (or hopefully! ) I've grown and learned a lot since then. So... If someone gives advice to take the high road, but then goes and takes the low road, that's weird to me. But if someone takes the low road, learns from it, and later gives advice to take the high road, well... I see nothing wrong with that whatsoever. It's called learning from one's mistakes, and growing as an individual.
northern_sky Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I was thinking about this as I made dinner, as some people have brought up my emotional state from 4+ years ago when arguing against my advice. Obviously, (or hopefully! ) I've grown and learned a lot since then. So... If someone gives advice to take the high road, but then goes and takes the low road, that's weird to me. But if someone takes the low road, learns from it, and later gives advice to take the high road, well... I see nothing wrong with that whatsoever. It's called learning from one's mistakes, and growing as an individual. I'm actually OK with people who sometimes take the low road advising me to take the high road. What bothers me is when these people are nasty or condescending in how they deliver their advice. This isn't directed at you, just in general. As long as the advice seems objective and sound, I don't consider the source. I think people who have problems of their own are capable of being objective and giving great advice when it comes to others. Then there are people who let their problems bleed into their advice. Actually, people who have problems of their own tend to be the most judgmental and harsh in my experience. Those biases are usually pretty apparent, so they're easy enough to ignore.
Hopeful30 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 It's never easy to follow good advice when your heart is involved. You find reasons and excuses to stay, because you want to. Even if we all know the right thing to do, we analyze and overanalyze and dissect everything in hopes of finding that one gleam of light that tells us it isn't as bad as we think it is.
Seamless74 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 It's easy for someone who is not emotionally invested in the situation to see it from the perspective of logic and reason. Plus I mean the primary purpose of this forum and self help in general should be for its entertainment value.. That being said I had a particular issue that was giving me problems and I thought the advice here was pretty good, regardless of whether said posters would have done exactly what they said I do..
Star Gazer Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 This isn't directed at you, just in general. Why would I think it was? *shrug*
turnstone Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Personally, I wouldn't mind how the person replying to one of my threads ran their own life or relationships, its far more important to me how their posts are delivered and how they come across on LS in general as well as the actual content of their post to me. I know I've made huge mistakes in my own personal life and haven't followed advice that's been very sound, so I know how hard it is to 'take the high road' (although I can't be sure what you mean by that) even when I knows how destructive my actions are, so I wouldn't criticize someone else of not doing so.
northern_sky Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Why would I think it was? *shrug* Because you've sometimes taken things personally that I've said that weren't meant that way.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I speak only for myself. I am over 50. I have quite a past which includes many things I am not proud of but which brought me to the place where I am today, which is a very good place. I am ready to talk about any of these aspects of my own life when I feel they might be useful for someone in similar circumstances, or who might be headed there (in my opinion). In fact, if it had not been for others willing to do the same when I needed it most, I would not have been able to repair my life. I doubt I would still be alive if not for them. My big thing is personal accountability. I believe with absolute certainty that a person needs to ALWAYS look at themselves in troubling situations, and amend their OWN part in that situation. Every time. This encompasses completely care for one's self, even above caring for others. And it is NOT the same as "self blame" or otherwise beating oneself up. It is the very essence of true self care and self love, which I believe needs to be in place in order to really give and receive love with other people. I ALWAYS try to take the "high road." For me, it could be a matter of life or death. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it's the truth. Indulging in blaming, victim behavior, self pity, emotional bingeing, dishonesty (including with myself) and lots of other stuff could lead me down a path I have been on and where I never want to go again. I need to check myself very often. I go off track all the time but I get myself right as fast as I can. This also really helps me maintain a good relationship with my partner, my adult daughter and many other people near and dear to me. I am not aiming this at anyone in particular here. I see an appalling amount of blaming and the rest of the negative behavior noted above here on LS and I wonder frequently when this or that poster is going to look within themselves for answers, and acknowledge that they are setting up the very situations that are causing them pain. To quote a hackneyed cliche, "one definition of insanity is to repeat the same behavior expecting a different result." Another overused chestnut that has been valuable to me is the "serenity prayer." Accept the things you cannot change, but have the courage to change the things you can (your OWN behavior or even your deeper self). Plenty of you think I'm "mean" but I believe that I have something to offer some people, and even that I'm sort of bound to offer it. To those who dislike it - ignore away.
jerbear Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I'm curious about something. Most often, I read about people giving others the high road advice. And yet when it comes to their own dating and relationships, they don't always take the high road but are more than happy to come down on anyone else who doesn't. Why is that? Psychology; sometimes the poster feels it could not happen to them or in their minds are clouded because they are in it. It could also be inexperience or ignorance to another's experience. I do not know everyone on LS and even those who are FB & LS friends. Now having said that, I've seen many LS friends evolve and change for the better over the years, experience, wisdom, or grew gonads; who knows.
Els Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Human nature. It doesn't only occur in LS, really. Words are easy to say; actions less easy to carry out. I don't think there's anything wrong with giving good advice even if you yourself fail to follow it sometimes. If we restricted the people giving advice to those who are stellar examples of good-relationshiphood, we'd be having countless unreplied threads all over. I do take issue with people who come down on others as if they themselves are the epitome of a perfect gf/bf/person, however. This is vastly different from merely giving good advice.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Sometimes it's easier to give the advice that you, yourself, need to take, to other people. I know I've done it but I don't think that makes me a bad person. I don't think it makes my responses any less or more valid, it just makes it advice. It's easier to tell someone else to take the high road approach, and get out of a bad situation, than it is to tell yourself that. *shrugs* It isn't hypocritical really, so much as it's understandable. One of my friends was chasing this guy, who I knew not to be interested, but I also knew he was going to toy with her, so I told her flat out to stop chasing him. Because I couldn't stand to see her treated that way. Yet, at the same time, I was involved, let's say, with a guy who was blatantly mistreating me. The difference in that scenario was, that I didn't have the esteem to look at myself and get myself out of a situation, but I definitely didn't want to see her go through the same hurt.
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