zig Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Here is something I've observed with internet dating. I see the same problem coming up over and over again. It goes something like this... "I met online and we agreed to go out on a date. The first two dates went really great and then I texted him but it took him all day to text back to tell me he couldn't see me tomorrow. I think he's flaking on me so I'm just going to launch. Why isn't he just upfront with me and tell me he's not interested? It would be so much easier than playing these games." There is no doubt some people are just not into you, change their minds, or are just flirts. But I find it hard to believe that the majority of these hook-ups fail because of lack of interest or compatibility. After all, they are not exactly blind dates. You've seen their picture so there is at least some attraction physically. You've read through their profile and should have found some common interests, values, goals and whatever else. You're interested. Most of the time you'll spend a couple nights chatting online and getting to know each other too. You would think hooking up this way would at least yield a short term relationship (month or two) until you run out of interest or you discover you're not going to fall in love with the person. What I believe happens more often than people realize is this. The relationship doesn't get off the ground because of false signals. When dating a brand new person who you don't know, it's very easy to misinterpret the actions of the other person. This problem is greatly exacerbated when you deal with emails, chat, and especially text messages. One or two false signals (which you had no intention of doing) can cause the other person to back off, leaving you wonder what happened. For instance, let's say the woman decides she really likes you and decides to play a little hard to get so she doesn't come across as needy. Maybe she's slow at texting you back, or acts like it's not a big deal if you guys hook up for a date. The man could take this as she's not interested, so in turn he backs off a little because he likes you but want's to play it cool. Meanwhile, the woman gets the impression that he isn't interested since she hasn't heard from him in three days. She deletes his number from her phone saying she'll never talk to him again. After all, she just knows he found someone else!! I've seen this same scenario MANY times in this forum. The problem is you only get to hear one side of the story. Wouldn't it be great to hear both sides of the story? I think we would be surprised to find out many times the other person was interested but some stupid misunderstanding or game we played backfired. The world of internet dating can be ruthless and can be summed up in two words... Next Please!
yah Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 "I met online and we agreed to go out on a date. The first two dates went really great and then I texted him but it took him all day to text back to tell me he couldn't see me tomorrow. I think he's flaking on me so I'm just going to launch. Why isn't he just upfront with me and tell me he's not interested? It would be so much easier than playing these games." Isn't it awful? Go out on one date and if the guy/girl doesn't bend over backwards to answer every call and follow all the unspoken rules they are automatically uninterested and a jerk.
sagetalk Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 The world of internet dating can be ruthless and can be summed up in two words... Next Please! Yes it is and, in this case, I'd say you were the one being ruthless.
Author zig Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Yes it is and, in this case, I'd say you were the one being ruthless. Just to clarify, I made up that story as an example. My point is, people need to chill out a little and give people more time to get to know them. I'm willing to bet if I posted my example and asked for advice most of the comments would tell me to just bail. I don't think that's right. If you're going to go on a date with someone you should at least be mature enough to follow through and give it a little effort and not freak out (both sides). Don't run yourself in circles because they didn't live up to your standard on how and when they should contact you and what they should say. If you see red flags, or are just not into the person then tell them and move on. I've personally ran myself in circles because I had an idea of how, when, and why a person should contact or initiate or not initiate ect ect. I'd like to see more advice in these forums that tells people to just wait it out or give the person another chance. That's all.
northern_sky Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I dunno. In my one OLD experience, the guy was sending me those sort of signals. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and went on a third date with him, only to have him treat me like a booty call (didn't confirm the day of, I had to call, wouldn't meet me at his door, I had to be buzzed up, was too lazy to get a membership at a movie rental place so we could watch something) and be downright rude when I turned down sex with him because I had my freakin' period. Then I never heard from him again. He spent all this time getting to know me before our date with constant texting and messages, and then turns into a dick when we meet up. My pictures were very representative. It was weird.
northern_sky Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Just to clarify, I made up that story as an example. My point is, people need to chill out a little and give people more time to get to know them. I'm willing to bet if I posted my example and asked for advice most of the comments would tell me to just bail. I don't think that's right. If you're going to go on a date with someone you should at least be mature enough to follow through and give it a little effort and not freak out (both sides). Don't run yourself in circles because they didn't live up to your standard on how and when they should contact you and what they should say. If you see red flags, or are just not into the person then tell them and move on. I've personally ran myself in circles because I had an idea of how, when, and why a person should contact or initiate or not initiate ect ect. I'd like to see more advice in these forums that tells people to just wait it out or give the person another chance. That's all. I think it's obvious something is up when the person's level of communication or response time changes dramatically after they meet you. That's usually the tip off.
Author zig Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 I dunno. In my one OLD experience, the guy was sending me those sort of signals. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and went on a third date with him, only to have him treat me like a booty call (didn't confirm the day of, I had to call, wouldn't meet me at his door, I had to be buzzed up, was too lazy to get a membership at a movie rental place so we could watch something) and be downright rude when I turned down sex with him because I had my freakin' period. Then I never heard from him again. He spent all this time getting to know me before our date with constant texting and messages, and then turns into a dick when we meet up. My pictures were very representative. It was weird. There are always exceptions. It's very possible my scenario is in the minority of cases. I'm just raising the point that it does happen. Sorry you had to hook up with such a jerk.
Star Gazer Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 For instance, let's say the woman decides she really likes you and decides to play a little hard to get so she doesn't come across as needy. Maybe she's slow at texting you back, or acts like it's not a big deal if you guys hook up for a date. The man could take this as she's not interested, so in turn he backs off a little because he likes you but want's to play it cool. Meanwhile, the woman gets the impression that he isn't interested since she hasn't heard from him in three days. She deletes his number from her phone saying she'll never talk to him again. After all, she just knows he found someone else!! I've seen this same scenario MANY times in this forum. The problem is you only get to hear one side of the story. That fact pattern has repeated itself several times for one particular poster. Sometimes you end up thinking it's happening to everyone, when it's really just a repeat scenario for one person.
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