gentlewaters Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 That was just to catch attention. No I'm not a man-hater so no worries, don't think I'm accusing anybody of this. I do have a question to ask men (and women if they want to reply too) If a girl you are with in a getting-to-know type relationship becomes sad at something you do or don't do, would you rather her tell you? Do you consider it best during dating to not tell someone the truth or be told the truth if one person hurts the other, be it accidentally or if the person in question doesn't seem to realize it hurt them? If you found out that something you did/didn't do hurt this girl, would you think you held "the cards" over her or something like that, or how exactly would you deal with that? Would you rather a girl play games with you and not tell you how she feels about things? Would you rather a girl not show any sad emotion towards you if that's what's in her heart truly? Just curious. Thanks
GooseChaser Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I'm going to post from my woman's point of view! I don't think men's hearts are made of stone, any more than ours are. We're all human! Maybe they can be more skilled at compartmentalizing, but if he is in a true relationship with someone, that shouldn't be an issue. Myself, if something I did hurt my partner, or even the one I was just dating, I would like it if he let me know. That would allow me to try to make things better, if he was open to that. In relationships, honest communication is very important. It helps to resolve conflicts, which no relationship is always free from. Two partners have to be willing to work through them as they arise. I wouldn't feel as if I held the cards over them. On the contrary, I would feel sad that I had hurt them. However, I would be happy that they cared enough about the relationship to be honest with me and be willing to work it out together.
Author gentlewaters Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 I'm going to post from my woman's point of view! I don't think men's hearts are made of stone, any more than ours are. We're all human! Maybe they can be more skilled at compartmentalizing, but if he is in a true relationship with someone, that shouldn't be an issue. Myself, if something I did hurt my partner, or even the one I was just dating, I would like it if he let me know. That would allow me to try to make things better, if he was open to that. In relationships, honest communication is very important. It helps to resolve conflicts, which no relationship is always free from. Two partners have to be willing to work through them as they arise. I wouldn't feel as if I held the cards over them. On the contrary, I would feel sad that I had hurt them. However, I would be happy that they cared enough about the relationship to be honest with me and be willing to work it out together. Cool Goosechaser! I suspect there are men who are the same too, who agree 100% with what you wrote above.
johan Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Men's hearts aren't made out of stone. They just aren't always good at dealing with real emotions from a woman. A guy won't generally ignore a woman when she says "you made me feel sad", unless he's a total cad. He's more likely to feel guilty and 1) want to get away or 2) overcompensate and/or do or say something that doesn't make the situation any better. It depends whether he wants the relationship to continue.
Star Gazer Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 It depends whether he wants the relationship to continue. Yup. This...
Author gentlewaters Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Men's hearts aren't made out of stone. They just aren't always good at dealing with real emotions from a woman. A guy won't generally ignore a woman when she says "you made me feel sad", unless he's a total cad. He's more likely to feel guilty and 1) want to get away or 2) overcompensate and/or do or say something that doesn't make the situation any better. It depends whether he wants the relationship to continue. Yeah sorry I know men's hearts aren't made of stone. I was just trying to catch attention with the ttitle. Thanks that's good to know and think about. About feeling guilty, that's a shame, cause telling someone the truth about something hopefully wouldn't be done to make the guy feel guilty... just for him to know. I've noticed that some guys just don't know things. My boyfriend doesn't know what I'm thinking many times unless I tell him... he can't read my mind. Shocking isn't it? And, we are very different, so even though we fascinate each other, we have to communicate well in order to understand each other. He's told me things too, which if he hadn't, I'd have no clue... amazing how that works.
Author gentlewaters Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Yup. This... Hmm. Would telling the truth be a good "tester" to see if the guy wants a relationship truly or not? Or, is it just a way to get hurt more, if a girl tells a guy the truth when she doesn't know if he really wants a relationship with her?
ConstantCraving Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 That was just to catch attention. No I'm not a man-hater so no worries, don't think I'm accusing anybody of this. I do have a question to ask men (and women if they want to reply too) If a girl you are with in a getting-to-know type relationship becomes sad at something you do or don't do, would you rather her tell you? Do you consider it best during dating to not tell someone the truth or be told the truth if one person hurts the other, be it accidentally or if the person in question doesn't seem to realize it hurt them? If you found out that something you did/didn't do hurt this girl, would you think you held "the cards" over her or something like that, or how exactly would you deal with that? Would you rather a girl play games with you and not tell you how she feels about things? Would you rather a girl not show any sad emotion towards you if that's what's in her heart truly? Just curious. Thanks Rather than see your question in terms of an expressing feelings/not expresing feelings dichotomy, I would suggest that you express your feelings at the EARLIEST opportunity in the most OBVIOUS way. That might be easier said than done. With my last long term girlfriend (an uber sensitive woman) I would say or do something that upset her and notice an immediate change in her mood. I would ask her about it and she would deny point blank that anything was wrong. She would continue to stew in her own juices for several hours before she was even able to discuss the subject with me at all. So much for the idea that women "love to talk about feelings". When she did try to express herself I DIDN'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE what she was talking about. Trying to understand her "inner world" was incredibly difficult. I was always trying to find some common frame of reference. Mostly without success. For communication with men, it really helps if you can identify if something feels GOOD or BAD, what CAUSED you to feel that way and what you want your boyfriend to do DIFFERENTLY in future.
GooseChaser Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Also, when you express your feelings, people often advise that you make it an I-statement, so you phrase it "I feel...", rather than saying "You...". If you do that, you don't sound as much like you're accusing them of something, because you are simply making a statement of your feelings, so they are less likely to respond in a defensive way.
Author gentlewaters Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Thanks Constant Craving, That's great advice. I admit I'm an uber sensitive woman, which is frustrating to myself, not to mention others, so I definitely have to work at keeping my emotions in check and taking things in stride and not just being controlled by my feelings. Great advice Goosechaser! Yeah, I agree it does really help to say "I feel.." instead of "You..." It's less confrontational and is true
Feelin Frisky Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 If there's something I do that she can't stand and I don't sense it and she doesn't communicate it, then there isn't any way for me to show how much I care about her is there? I can't see that happening because I try really hard to be sensitive and not have to be told in no uncertain terms that I'm doing something that pisses her off. But if it were the case I'd absolutely want to know--absolutely and no doubt. If there is something I'm not doing that she she is really upset about, she needs to communicate that too. That's a little different than the other scenario because it's something I'm simply not doing rather than something I am that is perceived as wrong. Perhaps in that case she might be being unfair or inconsiderate. But still, the sooner I find out, the better. There is nothing to be gained in faking either side of a relationship or putting off a reckoning until later. I would just hope that I put forth the kind of personae where she feels that I'm big enough and smart enough to get it and take it all right. I don't want or need anyone to baby sit me and create a make believe world for me because I'm such a fuc_ing stooge I can't handle the truth much less sense it.
Feelin Frisky Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I think men since their childhood has been reared to not be as emotional as women. Does that make them cold hearted? No. They're just less expressive about how they feel. Eh, I don't mean to fault you or anything, but I don't feel "reared" one way or the other. Maybe if one buys into the images and suggestions in movies and media fare, he might come away with some sense that there's a cooperative effort to "rear" men a certain way versus another. But in actual experience, I don't feel I've encountered any "rearing". There is a lot of propaganda and imagery that is part and parcel to the times from which we emerge--the World Wars, the Cold War, the Viet Nam War, the Gulf War, the Iraq and Afganistan Wars etc. But regardless of these conflicts and refelctive images I feel as emotional about life as it gets--both in the postivge and negative regards. And I feel absolutely no shame one way or the other. My emotionality is a symbol of my depth. Maybe some guys feel that it is a symbol of weakness or femininity to show anything but stoicism toward warfare. But I don't. There's only one way to feel about courage, sacrifice, innocence and victimization--and that's emotional. And emotion more than anything else if what calls a person to act--act now and for what it's worth.
Mellisa Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 That was just to catch attention. No I'm not a man-hater so no worries, don't think I'm accusing anybody of this. I do have a question to ask men (and women if they want to reply too) If a girl you are with in a getting-to-know type relationship becomes sad at something you do or don't do, would you rather her tell you? Do you consider it best during dating to not tell someone the truth or be told the truth if one person hurts the other, be it accidentally or if the person in question doesn't seem to realize it hurt them? If you found out that something you did/didn't do hurt this girl, would you think you held "the cards" over her or something like that, or how exactly would you deal with that? Would you rather a girl play games with you and not tell you how she feels about things? Would you rather a girl not show any sad emotion towards you if that's what's in her heart truly? Just curious. Thanks As a girl,i'm wondering the same question.I think if you go about talking about how you feel over things he did or didnt do, then you come across as too emotional or insecure.There were a few times i didnt feel the things he did/didnt do was right but i shut it down because i didnt want to be dramatic.However,on the other hand, i think we women should stand out for ourself and man should respect those women who refuse to take the crap from him.The key is to know when and how to stand out for yourself.For me, i think it should be ok to talk and discuss those things when you are in a relationship, but in the begining of dating like in the getting to know stage probably better to play it cool unless it's really a big issue.Also that depends on the nature of your relationship,if it's the one that doesnt have any long tern potential,i'd rather focus on what he can offer because in that situation i dont see how i could put him under any obligation.
Mellisa Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Hmm. Would telling the truth be a good "tester" to see if the guy wants a relationship truly or not? Or, is it just a way to get hurt more, if a girl tells a guy the truth when she doesn't know if he really wants a relationship with her? I did that test and we broke up over the ugly truth(well at that time i didnt really think it as a "test").It was like deal breaker for us i guess.If a guy isnt into you enough or doesnt see it ong term,he'll see that as a time to get out before things get too real.
sally4sara Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 That was just to catch attention. No I'm not a man-hater so no worries, don't think I'm accusing anybody of this. I do have a question to ask men (and women if they want to reply too) If a girl you are with in a getting-to-know type relationship becomes sad at something you do or don't do, would you rather her tell you? Do you consider it best during dating to not tell someone the truth or be told the truth if one person hurts the other, be it accidentally or if the person in question doesn't seem to realize it hurt them? If you found out that something you did/didn't do hurt this girl, would you think you held "the cards" over her or something like that, or how exactly would you deal with that? Would you rather a girl play games with you and not tell you how she feels about things? Would you rather a girl not show any sad emotion towards you if that's what's in her heart truly? Just curious. Thanks Here is the thing. Why does it matter what someone you're seeing would prefer if there is something you have to communicate about the relationship you are at least half of? You have something to say? You should probably just come out and say it. If they can't deal with what you say or how you approached it, but it did get what you wanted to share across - why be with them at all? Healthy relationships don't prevent you from speaking your mind. Incompatible, unhealthy relationships sometimes do, but who wants that kind of relationship? Would you want to be with someone you have to pick and choose what you say every time you want to get your feelings and concerns addressed? Sounds more stressful than its worth to me. Its your responsibility to speak your mind if something is bothering you; hinting and game playing is a great way to make the relationship fail even if the problem could have been remedied by speaking up.
EasyHeart Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Here is the thing. Why does it matter what someone you're seeing would prefer if there is something you have to communicate about the relationship you are at least half of? You have something to say? You should probably just come out and say it. If they can't deal with what you say or how you approached it, but it did get what you wanted to share across - why be with them at all? Healthy relationships don't prevent you from speaking your mind. Incompatible, unhealthy relationships sometimes do, but who wants that kind of relationship? Would you want to be with someone you have to pick and choose what you say every time you want to get your feelings and concerns addressed? Exactly right. This whole notion of "I am so upset about something, but I am not going to tell him about it because he should be able to read my mind and know that I am upset" is mind-boggling to me (and I suspect, to most men). Talk, dangit!!!! But while we're on the topic of communication, I'll throw out something I've noticed with many women: in my worldview, communication involves discussion and negotiation, not ultimatums and declarations. For instance, a common situation that has come up in my dating experiences and I believe comes up in many couples: HER: It upsets me that you don't call me three times a day. HIM: I have to work and don't have time to call you that much. HER: But it makes me feel that you don't care about me. HIM: That's silly. Of course I care about you. But I have to work and can't spend all day on the phone with you. HER: But it makes me feel bad. HIM: I'm sorry about that and don't want to hurt you. But I get busy at work. IME, in that example conversation, the man has concluded "I've explained that it's not realistic for me to call her three times a day and it has nothing to do with my feelings for her. This issue is now resolved." At the same time, the woman has concluded, "I've told him that it hurts my feelings if he doesn't call me three times a day. If he continues to not call me three times a day, he is intentionally trying to hurt my feelings." We all make assumptions when we talk to each other, and it's important to take the next step and make sure there is agreement on what is going to happen next.
Author gentlewaters Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 If there's something I do that she can't stand and I don't sense it and she doesn't communicate it, then there isn't any way for me to show how much I care about her is there? I can't see that happening because I try really hard to be sensitive and not have to be told in no uncertain terms that I'm doing something that pisses her off. But if it were the case I'd absolutely want to know--absolutely and no doubt. If there is something I'm not doing that she she is really upset about, she needs to communicate that too. That's a little different than the other scenario because it's something I'm simply not doing rather than something I am that is perceived as wrong. Perhaps in that case she might be being unfair or inconsiderate. But still, the sooner I find out, the better. There is nothing to be gained in faking either side of a relationship or putting off a reckoning until later. I would just hope that I put forth the kind of personae where she feels that I'm big enough and smart enough to get it and take it all right. I don't want or need anyone to baby sit me and create a make believe world for me because I'm such a fuc_ing stooge I can't handle the truth much less sense it. That's really cool. Yeah I agree and I think it shows a lot of care on your part for her to think that way!
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