brokenwingsforever Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) On June 19th 2010 I met the most amazing girl in my life. We met at a venue where local bands play every weekend. The second I saw her I knew I would be with her. She swept me off my feet at hello. Literally. Let me also add that I have been struggling with an opiate addiction for almost five years now, and ill be 21 in march. She will be 21 in february also. So about a month before we met i decided that I wanted to clean my life up for good, so i got sober. A month after, we met and fell really really hard for eachother. All was going well, our relationship was perfect until about a month into us dating I fell off and slipped into my drug use again. I did my best to hide it from her and everyone else, but I just couldnt look her in the eyes and lie to her. So i decided to tell her about what was going on (before we began dating I told her everything about my drug problem) and that I would need to go to a rehabilitation facility about 20 minutes away from town. She was totally on board with me and was willing to stick by me. So a month of me being in rehab, and a month of not seeing eachother, I get out and come back to town determined to get my life back and have an amazing relationship with this girl. Things go great for about two weeks, and sure enough, a repeat of what happened before has happened again. But this time its a little different, I have legal stuff involved, and a night in jail. I sit down and we talk with eachother and she told me what she wanted, which was for me to be sober, and i agreed because I was so sick of hurting this girl and wanted my life back. To make a long story short, I decided to go far away from my city to detox off drugs for a couple weeks. She was on board completely and was so happy for me. I get here to oklahoma, and go the through the WORST week of my life getting of drugs cold turkey for the first time ever. All the while we talk every night and text all day. Ive been here for almost 3 weeks now and wont be able to come back until early january. About a week ago, after an argument over the phone about an ex, she began acting different. She would take forever to reply to my text messages, and didnt sound too excited when i would text or say sweet things on the phone. The next day we spoke on the phone, and had a great conversation. She told me at the end of it that she felt way better, and that she didint know what got into her the other day. The next day rolls around and she starts to act different and distant again, and by this time I knew what was coming. She broke down and told me she didnt want to do it with me anymore saying the past 5 months have been up and down, which they have. She deleted me off facebook saying she was sorry but she wanted to forget about me. It was extremely difficult but i tried as best I could not to beg and to give her space and tried to be understanding. We went almost two days without talking, and unexpectedly, i get a three page text from her saying that all she wanted was to be with me and was willing to make it work. I knew what was going on, shes emotionally tied and doesnt know what she wants cause shes afraid of getting hurt again. So last night after I got her messages she called me and we had a decent talk. I told her that she should take a few more days to really decide what she wanted in this relationship because lately she has been up and down. She said okay, and today, thinking things we better, randomly I decided to just tell her I love her through a text, and it went downhill from there. I could tell that she was once again feeling indifferent, and she told me that in her heart she wanted to be with me, but was just so scared of getting hurt again which i understood. She told me she didnt know what she wanted and that maybe it was easier if we didnt talk and that she was sorry. Im tired of feeling like this, having my feelings played with. The last thing I told her was to call me if she ever had her mind made up and to follow her heart, to which I got no reply. So basically I realize that I have single handedly screwed this relationship up, and that all this iss 95% my fault. This will be the third time ive been away trying to clean my life up. I on an emotional rollercoaster with her, I know I want to be with her, I just cant decide if I should just try to get over her and forget about things or still have hope and try to win her back when I get back to my hometown in about a month and 2 weeks. Can anyone try to predict what she might decide? Or if she ever will? I love this girl more than ive ever loved anyone, and I know she feels the same way. Should I have hope or should I move on? Im sorry this is so lengthy, I just dont know where to go for advice. I dont know anyone in oklahoma city! Thanks All. Edited November 29, 2010 by brokenwingsforever
AlisaMarie Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Hi Brokenwingsforever, You may not want to hear this right now, but you just have to focus on staying clean and going to meetings. Any sponser will tell you that you need to think of you right now. I know you love her, but she may have played part in your addiction (even if you don't know it). Get yourself clean, and stay clean for a long time (forever). Tell her about your progress, but don't be romantic right now. You are not married or have any kids with her so just play it cool. She may appriciate the time you have spend on yourself. REMEMBER: YOU have to STAY clean FOR YOU! Keep it up! Be strong! Learn to love yourself ... and in time, everything will fall into place. One day at a time.
strength-abounds Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Hey wings. I feel for you brother. Your post has a truck full of emotion in it and anyone that reads it will see it also. Isn't love a b****? Get clean and stay clean dude. I understand that you want to show her that you can change, but you need to get clean for YOU. I am firm believer in never allowing a significant other being someone's saving grace, simply because the only person anyone should have faith in is themselves. The day that you can fully admit that you're clean will be the day that you can truly love yourself. Then, and only then, will someone be able to love you back. She will see the changes you made. Who knows what will happen between you guys after that? Good luck and God Bless.
Author brokenwingsforever Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 wow thank you guys for actually reading all that! but yeah its one day at a time for me, sometimes one hour at a time. And not talking to her for 2 days now has got me thinking about things. I love her and want to be with her so bad, but it takes two to tango, and its just not there with her right now unfortunately or me. It makes things so much harder for me and my situation though. Im ALWAYS checking my phone, thinking ill see a text or a missed call from her, but it never comes. NC is a real mother******. Im always wondering what shes thinking about. If she wants me or not. I cant do this though. I have to focus on me and stay clean if i want ANY chance with her at all. But thank you guys it means a bunch.
SmileyGirl Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Firstly, I have to commend you for finally taking action on cleaning up. Many addicts SAY they are going to but never even TRY. So kudos to you on that. I also agree that this needs to be about YOU. People are drawn to positive energy and maybe when you get back and she sees how good your doing she will want to work things out. It's one of those situations, pray for the best and expect the worst. I know how you feel about looking at your phone constantly. I think you should get involved in things in Oklahoma to take your mind off things. Find a hobby or activity. Once again congrats on your new beginning it will not be easy but I PROMISE the rewards in the end will all be worthwhile! Good Luck to you
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