how to get a boyfriend?

[my body is a cage]

dear lovely loveshackers,

 

i have been single for 3+ years now. enough is enough. ive had numberous intense affairs and flings during this time, most of which ended badly. in the past i have had some self esteem issues, but people tell me i'm an attractive and interesting person. i recently took some time off from school to deal with personal issues, one of which being my self esteem, and sort of to work through a lot of things that happened to me in the past...

 

either way, although im off the market and not really meeting people, im starting to think there is something inherently wrong with me that is preventing me from getting a boyfriend. i guess i am pretty selective: i dont necesarily have normal standards but im picky about my type... also, when i like someone, i get really shy.

 

so, loveshackers, my question is: what do i need to do to get a boyfriend? how can i overcome my shyness and stop thinking theres something wrong with me? how can i improve my self esteem? in other areas of my life, im pretty adventurous...

 

there is one scenario with a guy that still really gets to me: we dated really briefly, i left to go oversees, he told me he was going to come visit, then never did and said it was because he realized it would have been such a big commitment. basically, the timing was off: we got along so well, i felt that i had finally connected with someone. now we hardly talk, but i would love to ask him for coffee or something, but im petrified of him saying no. how do i get over this?

 

btw here is a link to my okcupid if you want some info about me: http://www.okcupid.com/mybodyisacage

 

thanks guys!

[ConstantCraving]

The advice I would give to a woman who wants to find a boyfriend is very different than the advice I would give to a guy.

 

For women, its really a question of how high you set "the bar" for the dating "high jump".

 

Set the bar too high and no guy will clear it.

 

Set the bar too low and you'll be unhappy with the men you do attract.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Okay...

 

First: the link is actually http://www.okcupid.com/profile/mybodyisacage. The link didn't work for me without "Profile" in the URL.

 

Next, you are not just attractive, you're beautiful. Visually, you strike me as the kind of girl who is only single because she wants to be, not because of any problems attracting guys. I'm sure that you turn heads when you walk in, whether or not you see it.

 

From your profile, I'd guess that you want someone who can keep up with your interests and, sad to say, there are not many guys who have even heard of "Slaughterhouse Five", let alone read it. That's the only thing I can figure; between your brains and your body, you probably intimidate some guys. The players who aren't intimidated by your looks would most likely be intimidated by your brains (they don't want someone smarter than them), and the geeks/bookworms who have Mailer on their bookshelf are usually afraid to approach someone so beautiful. Because of your beauty, your shyness may be seen by some guys as you being snobby. I'm not saying that you should change, I'm just saying how it may be seen. Trust me, there are guys out there who'll get it. They're the guys you want.

 

You mentioned that you do not have "normal" standards and are pretty selective. What are you looking for in a guy, and what kind of guys are you attracting? Where do you usually get approached by guys, or if you do the approaching, where do you usually go? Where you're finding guys will certainly affect what guys you're finding.

 

Now for the question that may make all of this moot: if you're off the market, why are you even wondering about all of this?

[dispatch3d]

after careful analysis of your okcupid

 

how the **** are you single.

[runner]

OP- you are stunning. but i'm sure you knew that already, and i can see how that can be detrimental when trying to find a partner who measures up to what you want/need.

 

perhaps you can try socialising with older, emotionally healthy and mature women who are also as smokin' as you () are, and see how they screen potential dates.

[dispatch3d]

meh one mistake I see that is very obvious:

 

"I am very picky about my type."

 

problems with your dating should be about you, not about "standards" you have. Having standards isn't an/the issue. You've met guys you've liked and just couldn't connect with them. Work on the latter part. Why couldn't you connect, where did it go downhill, etc. etc.

[somedude81]

What kind of guys are you going out with/meeting?

 

You obviously have no problem getting guys, but the type of guys you get, seems to be the problem.

 

One thing I need to point out is that the smoking can be a huge turn off for guys. You are basically limiting yourself only to guys who smoke as well. Two of your pictures have you holding a cigarette.

 

Sure I'd have a fling with a girl who smokes, no way I'd date her...

[musemaj11]

You are beautiful.

 

But not my type. If I saw you on the street, I would think you are probably the princess kind.

[Star Gazer]

MBIAC: You're gorgeous. Really.

 

Whatever issues you're having, I'm assuming, are the result of your pickiness - which may, or may not, be problematic.

[strength-abounds]

Frankly, you're breathtaking. I think you're still single because your bar is too high for any man to reach. Just an opinion.

[BobSacamento]

You say some have not been your type but you don't really describe what your type is.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm gonna go with Johnny Blaze, you probably come off a little intidimating. Your pickiness could be mistaken for commanding if anything else.

 

Umm... maybe you could revise your profile? You seem more ready to list off your traits rather than show it.

[drdarwin]

Although you're not my type, I do think you're pretty, and you obviously seem smart. Being pretty and smart, you should have no problem finding a boyfriend. I think that maybe you're meeting the wrong kinds of guys. If you're meeting them only at clubs, raves, etc., try meeting some at a coffee shop or the park.

 

As far as your self-esteem issues, I've been single for a while also, and I've sometimes thought that there must be something wrong with me, particularly when my female friends tell me, "I can't believe you're single, you should be dating a model" and my guy friends say, "Dude, if I were you, I would have ****** half the women in the city by now." When I reflect on it a little more, however, I know that I could have a girlfriend, but I don't want to settle for one. I suspect the same may be true of you.

 

Unfortunately, I'm also extremely picky and somewhat shy, especially around women I'm attracted to. That being said, I've realized that if I'm extremely picky, I'm basically obligated to talk to a woman if I'm really attracted to her, because such a situation doesn't happen very often. I might get (and have been) rejected, but at least I'm not kicking myself the next day, wishing I'd approached her. Also, I'm slightly less nervous the next time.

 

No matter what, I wouldn't settle for a guy due to self-esteem issues. It probably won't work out, and you'll regret that you could have met Mr. Right in the meantime.

 

Good luck.

[welikeincrowds]

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

purpose.

 

OK, I would date you. And I bet I'm your type.

 

I think more of your issues may stem from your going to school than you realize.

 

You could be facing issues due to the fact that you are hipster trash.

 

:lmao:

 

But you're wrong, by the way, for the reason I quoted above. Your average hipster trash doesn't know or care about purpose. Also, she drinks bud and natty, via hats. It's right there in the photo.

[my body is a cage]

after careful analysis of your okcupid

 

how the **** are you single.

 

wow, thanks guys, i really didn't expect to get such positive feedback . as for the intimidation thing- yeaaaah, i've gotten that before... i don't know, it really is shyness, like i don't see how i could possibly be intimidating. i guess because people have told me i'm intimidating in the past so i usually do a lot of the pursuing... which usually works out until something happens and then i start doubting myself. thats the pattern that i have.

 

re: the smoking thing, ha that never even would have occurred to me. everyone i can think of that i know smokes though, so i dont think thats a problem. maybe that says something about my social circle that i tend to date in and why im having issues though, i guess...

 

my type is someone who is creative and deep. appearance wise i need to be attracted to them, and im usually attracted to really tall skinny guys. thats about it, i like guys who are unconventionally attractive and it doesnt bother me if my friends think a guy is attractive or not. i guess the problem here is that a lot of the guys i like are really complicated, and sometimes troubled...

 

so i guess i'm answering the question here, my problem is really my shyness and possibly the type of guys that i go for. (btw, i dont really use okcupid to go on dates, im sort of against meeting someone on the internet...)

 

i don't know, i guess theres one guy on my mind, the guy i had a really great and brief connection with who ended up hurting me by saying he didn't visit me because he didn't want anything too serious... that doesnt sound like he was intimidated by me, you know? he said visiting could be great because he would be with me or it could be not great because we had just met... which in retrospect makes sense, but at the time really hurt me because of the strong connection we had had. he said he still wanted to see me, though, and we hooked up again a couple of weeks later and he apologized but things were ambiguous...

 

do you think that he would be receptive if i asked him for a cup of coffee? thats what i really want to do, but im doubting myself, thinking he wouldn't / doesn't like me at all because i like him... i just really want to get the chance to hang out with him more again.

 

anyway, thanks so much you guys for your kind words!

[kiss_andmakeup]

You are GORGEOUS OP!!

 

Something you might want to take into consideration though: you are 21 (which can already be viewed as an immature age by others). You have only three pictures, in two of which you are smoking moodily like a hipster, and one in which you are drinking beer out of a hat.

 

Are they beautiful, cute pictures? Absolutely. Do they portray you as an intelligent, mature adult ready for a real relationship? Not exactly.

 

We both know that people are supposed to read the profile and take that more into consideration than the pictures, but how many men do you think actually do that? This might be leading to trouble as far as the type of men you are attracting. Maybe more mature, relationship-minded men just browse your pictures and say "Oh, she's beautiful, but probably a little immature and not ready for a real relationship."

 

Your profile conveys otherwise. You sound smart and mature. You do sound a little bit picky and intimidating; I would say even if you plan to be selective about your dates, don't make it so evident in your profile. It might scare away great men.

Edited November 29, 2010 by kiss_andmakeup

[dispatch3d]

as for the intimidation thing- yeaaaah, i've gotten that before...blablabla

 

re: the smoking thing, blablabla

 

my type is someone who is creative and deep. appearance wise i need to be attracted to them, and im usually attracted to really tall skinny guys. yadayada really complicated, and sometimes troubled...

 

so i guess i'm answering the question here, my problem is really my shyness and possibly the type of guys that i go for.

 

i don't know, i guess theres one guy on my mind, the guy i had a really great and brief connection with who ended up hurting me by saying he didn't visit me because he didn't want anything too serious... he said visiting could be great because he would be with me or it could be not great because we had just met... yadayada doubting myself, thinking he wouldn't / doesn't like me at all because i like him...

 

 

So you've outlined your problems:

(1) intimidating

(2) smoking?

 

guys you're into:

(1) creative and deep

(2) attractive to you (tall + skinny)

(3) really complicated and sometimes troubled

 

specific example:

(1) Guy "hurt you"

(2) he said something wishy-washy to you

(3) concerned he doesn't like you "ruined it"?

 

I'd date you even if you smoked. I think people are going to get over the fact you smoke. You can quit that habit. Seriously, who gives a ****? Why even date people who are so nitty. ;-)

 

The intimidating thing. Prehaps dress down for your dates so you aren't as intimidating to them? It could ease getting to know you. The other thing I would assume is it's going to cause guys to be more insecure around you then if you were less intimidating, so you have to keep this factor in mind. They may also idolize you/not really check to see if you a match, does that make sense? Like some guys will date any hot girl.

 

This list you have of guys you're "into". Are you sure that's a good list of qualities you like in a guy? Just figure out why you're drawn to those types, and if it's really in your best interest to be drawn to them. The why is the most important thing.

 

As for the specific example, the guy said something wishy-washy and that made you feel uneasy. I think part of it is you are doing a lot of the pursueing, and if you get uneasy the whole thing falls apart. So from my point of view it seems like there has to be some back-and-forth (you pursue some, he pursue's some) etc.

 

Hope that helps.

 

edit: I've heard before that it's best to avoid serious topics at the start of a relationship, and IME it's best to just avoid all serious topics unless you have to talk about them for any given reason.

[my body is a cage]

ahahha I like your summary of my excessively wordy reply. maybe you can also tell that I over think things?

 

I'd date you even if you smoked. I think people are going to get over the fact you smoke. You can quit that habit. Seriously, who gives a ****? Why even date people who are so nitty. ;-)

 

thanks. i like smoking. sorry everyone who doesn't.

 

As for the specific example, the guy said something wishy-washy and that made you feel uneasy. I think part of it is you are doing a lot of the pursueing, and if you get uneasy the whole thing falls apart. So from my point of view it seems like there has to be some back-and-forth (you pursue some, he pursue's some) etc.

 

Hope that helps.

 

hmm I'm a little unsure about what you mean here. He did do a fair deal of pursuing when we were together - he came and visited me - but you're right I really don't like when things are wishy washy. Now neither of us are pursuing because I'm not around, but when I come visit he's usually receptive when I approach him and really nice/ friendly but I'm still unsure.

 

Maybe I am immature in that I've been seeking relationships to emerge from people I meet partying- I've recognized that that needs to change. I need to spend time with the people I like more and actually get to know them. That's why I really want to hang out with this guy in a non-party context again (we met partying, but he visited me for five days and we had a great time). I'm just really scared to make a move... maybe I should start by interacting with him when I see him, I don't know if asking him for a coffee out of the blue would be too much. All I want to do is just spend more time with him though, and that's what I want to convey.

 

Anyway, thanks for all of your advice. As for the way my okCupid comes across, I'm not too worried about my pictures because I'm not really trying to actually meet people on the site, its more for fun.

[Kamille]

MBC, my main take on why you don't have a bf yet is because you're still young. It doesn't help that you mostly meet guys in party environments, but that comes with the age group, doesn't it? What I would recomment you do is join arts organization as a volunteer and get to know guys through those networks. It worked for me at your age.

 

But. I see guys tell you that you are likely intimidating and probably need to play it down. I don't totally disagree with them but I want to add some nuance. I think what they mean is that you might be hard to approach and intimidating to ask out. All you have to do to solve that problem is flirt with the guys you like by smiling and encouraging them to ask you out. That's fairly easy. The profile will likely filter out a few guys, but I don't really see that as a problem, unless nobody is contacting you. You do want someone with common interests to approach you, right?

 

I would strongly discourage you from playing yourself down. I don't know about you but my early twenties felt like a long and painful experiment in trying to "play down". I wanted guys to think I was approachable, was careful to not be "too threatening" in regards to intelligence and looks and well... It was all disastrous. Guys who could handle a smart, strong-willed women would treat me like a doormat and guys who gave me a chance - based on the premise that I wasn't intimidating- would eventually end up feeling intimidated as they got to know me better. Heartache and confusion abounded all around.

 

I eventually decided the guy for me would be able to handle the fact that I am who I am. I started dressing up, not down, I became more upfront about my needs, I didn't downplay my intelligence - all while respecting theirs. The result? The men I met knew who I was and were able to truly assess whether or not we were compatible. I was not "every guy's" cup of tea, but my relationships greatly improved. I also became more confident, which led me to be more approachable.

 

All that to say, I'm ambivalent about the advice you are given about trying to be less intimidating. I would advise you to make sure you're approachable, but to not worry about the intimidation factor. Play yourself up, not down and have fun with it. Do this with respect for the men in your life. The guy for you will be attracted to you at your best, not a washed down version of who you are.

[bayouboi]

do you think that he would be receptive if i asked him for a cup of coffee? thats what i really want to do, but im doubting myself, thinking he wouldn't / doesn't like me at all because i like him... i just really want to get the chance to hang out with him more again.

 

Who knows whether he would be receptive or not, but I can guarantee you these results:

 

1) You DON'T invite him for coffee: he will not go to coffee with you by your request.

 

2) You DO invite him for coffee: he may or may not go to coffee with you by your request.

 

Your odds of getting him to get some coffee with you by your request appear to be more likely if you DO invite him for coffee than if you DON'T. lol

[Andy_K]

Okay. Based on your profile, if I was single and living locally I wouldn't write to you. Here's why:

 

Physically you're attractive, but not really my type.

 

Being really into health & fitness, your smoking is a big issue for me. If you smoke often enough for it to be happening in your photos, that's way too much. It's not a crime, just an incompatibility.

 

Your profile lists some very deep interests. It sounds far too serious to me. It doesn't convey energy, humour, fun, optimism, caring, and all the other things I'd be looking out for in a potential partner. Your profile is full of lists of things, but shows only your interests and none of your personality, which we're just left to guess at based on said interests.

[Sivok]

Looks aren't an issue. Judging by your profile I can tell a few things. You more than likely have a high IQ, you don't come out of your shell easily, it takes a very specific person to win your heart (which is why you have a lack of success, it isn't quantity of guys - it's the quality and that's fine. Nothing is worse than the downfall of a regretful relationship.), and you do have the capacity to unintentionally hurt less intelligent men with ease. Anyway:

 

Vonnegut was a genius. The Sirens of Titan is my favorite book.

 

Pixies are an amazing band. Do you listen to at the drive in and modest mouse?

 

Lastly, if you smoke, do you love hookah?

 

Answer these questions correctly, replace that natty with a miller, move to Boston, and the problem your thread is addressing just may be solved

Edited November 30, 2010 by Sivok

[my body is a cage]

Vonnegut was a genius. The Sirens of Titan is my favorite book.

 

Pixies are an amazing band. Do you listen to at the drive in and modest mouse?

 

Lastly, if you smoke, do you love hookah?

 

Answer these questions correctly, replace that natty with a miller, move to Boston, and the problem your thread is addressing just may be solved

 

Sirens of Titan is my favorite Vonnegut book too. At the Drive In yes, Modest Mouse no. Hookah is fun sometimes.

 

Anyway, I'm not ACTUALLY trying to meet people on the internet, so I'm not too concerned about my okCupid. I mostly just put it up here because I think it says something about me. The assessment that I don't open up easily and am looking for something very specific is correct.

 

This weekend was a nightmare for me. I went to visit school and we had a party which was fun. However, when I get drunk I flirt with EVERYONE around me except the people that I actually like....

 

I had texted the guy who broke my heart over the summer earlier in the week because it was his birthday and said we should get coffee. He said "sounds good." Lo and behold, he was one of the first people to show up at our house (not surprising, he's in my group of friends). We didn't talk that much, out of shyness on my part, but I did want him to approach me. When I talked to him he seemed interested but gaurded. I didn't really flirt with him at all.

 

The next day I found out that he might be seeing this freshmen. She is tall and skinny and quite pretty. I feel so pathetic, but when I heard they had dinner together I was utterly distraught. I hate being so internalized, so I decided to just ask him for coffee then and there, decide to give things a go in stead of letting things build up internally.

 

He didn't respond for two hours. I took this as a total rejection. I really fell in love with him over the summer, and I know he really cared for me at one point, but I feel like he doesn't anymore and I can't get over him. I just wanted to spend some time with him.

 

Eventually I decided to go home because I was in such a bad mood so I texted him saying nevermind I'm on my way home but it was fun seeing you enjoy your weekend. He wrote back almost immediately "I will. Coffee next time?" This made me feel like he saw my text message before and ignored it.

 

I don't know. I wish I could get over him. I've met tons of guys since him, but none of them make me feel the way he did. I just want someone I love to love me back, for once. I want him to love me and to undo the hurt that he has caused me, or maybe at least be willing to have coffee with me

 

Do you guys think he's just not interested?