professor_lin Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Hi everyone, I need some advice here...my girlfriend broke up with me after almost 8 years of being together. It has been really, really rough. Didn't sleep/eat for the first few days, I'm sure I've lost a lot of weight in a bad way. I was her first boyfriend and while there are a lot of good things about our relationship she always had this doubt of whether I was "the one". She broke up with me once before, 3 years ago for about 2-3 weeks which was horrible. Then, last year she told me that she didn't love me anymore (changed her mind the next week), but at the time totally sucked. Both times I tried to remind her that what we had was special...now she says she feels really bad for putting me through that. Those were the bad times, there were also good times and at one point we wanted to get married. But now she said she doesn't want to get married to me and wants to grow on her own as a person. She said she doesn't want to base her life off of someone elses, doesn't want to make a wrong decision in choosing someone...again I tried to fight for our relationship but she said its over. Then, 2 days later she says she realizes that we had something special and can't throw it away easily and wanted to talk in a month. I'm taking the time to be alone to think, and my feelings of rejection and worthlessness are turning to anger. Breaking up with someone is worse than hitting them, and I feel abused...but I feel an obligation to the relationship (as I always had)... ideas on how to move forward?
bernardverh Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Your point is right, she hurted you and she knows she does, by breaking up. Why would she do that? This situation raises questions. Maybe you can find out what causes her doubts. I see no real reason in your post. When she tells you that she wants to grow as a person, she could feel locked up. But other things could also cause this. Try to figure out what is really going on. Then decide if this could be fixed. About the 'fighting'. It feels like the right thing to do, but in most cases it pushes her even further away by showing that you need her. Accept her thoughts, take a break and maybe she changes her mind. A lot of people start 'fighting' by showing their ex's how much they care. They send a lot of messages or sometimes even flowers, it's a romantic thought but mostly causes her to run even harder from you.
Fern Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Give her some space and chances are she'll see that the grass isn't always greener. It might take time though - a year or two even to let her experience a bit of life. In the meantime you should get on with your life and show her you're not some weepy loser who'll hang about forever. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but it really is your only option.
Author professor_lin Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) Yeah, thats what I'm thinking... just give her space. How long should I wait before I try and start dating? I kind of want to just get on with things and go out and start meeting people. but then I feel guilty, and part of me tells me this is just from my fear of loneliness.. and that I should wait and just focus on myself. I still feel pretty messed up...this is the first real breakup I've had. Give her some space and chances are she'll see that the grass isn't always greener. It might take time though - a year or two even to let her experience a bit of life. In the meantime you should get on with your life and show her you're not some weepy loser who'll hang about forever. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but it really is your only option. Edited November 28, 2010 by professor_lin
b_rouse Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I was her first boyfriend and while there are a lot of good things about our relationship she always had this doubt of whether I was "the one". I was in the same shoes as her. When I was with my guy, he was my first serious boyfriend and while I could see myself marrying him, and if it ever got as far as an engagment, I'd ask to take a couple months break. Marriage is serious, and you have to be certain he/she's the one. If she's only dated you, she hasn't had time to see what she likes/dislikes. Now that my guy and myself are not together anymore, I could see myself marrying him. You just have to live your life, don't wait for her. If she comes back, deal with it then, and if she doesn't deal with it now. You can hope for the best, but at the same time, you have to prepare yourself for the worst. Don't wait for her.
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