Do We Have Anything in Common (Or Am I Just an Jerk?)

[InternationalPlayboy]

The background - Wife and I married 12 years ago, two kids. No history of physical abuse, no affairs. Both work and both share parenting duties equally.

 

I love my wife, I do. But I sometimes wonder what would happen had we never met until now, at this point our lives. Never had kids, nothing. Firstly, I doubt we would even meet as our social and professional circles would likely never connect. But that's abstract.

 

Were we to meet now, I don't know what we would talk about. We share few of the same interests. I prefer reading, she watches soap operas. She relies on me to keep her up on current events, cultural affairs and even etiquette. I listen to NPR, she listens to Top 40 and rap. She likes chickflicks and well, I don't.

 

She understands the financial world in ways that I never will and finds it thoroughly fascinating. I don't and question whether I ever will. I prefer cities, she needs the beach. She says she follows politics, but usually just asks me who I'm voting for before she casts her ballot.

 

I don't feel complete until I've showered and dressed for the day. I sometimes have to remind her to shower and she has no problem wearing sweatpants - in public! I choose to exercise regularly because I enjoy it and feel better when I do. Exercise to her is a chore. I'm not a clothes horse, but I have a vague sense of when my clothes are Goodwill-ready. I have to hide her Crocs and quietly sneak her work-related softball team-building t-shirts out in the trash.

 

Of course, there are areas where we overlap. We both like good food, both share a similar sense of humor, religion, parenting, families - The stuff that is seen any normal marriage.

 

Perhaps what we have most in common is simply our history, which is more than most couples can say. I suppose this is the proof of that John Lennon phrase "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

 

But anyways. Sorry for rambling. And my apologies for the grammatical error in the thread title. I changed the last word just before hitting submit. You can take a guess at what the word was, it would work with "an."

[ConstantCraving]

You have two kids in common. That's the big one. That is a bond you will always share.

[quankanne]

why do you want so badly to change her into someone more user-friendly? You say there's no problems with abuse, with affairs, with shirking parenting responsibility ... yet you're trying to make her into someone she isn't.

 

it's time to choose your battles wisely. If she lives in sweats and tshirts around the house or to WalMart, who cares? It's her time to dress/live in comfort, though stepping up and suggesting that she clean it up for work and social events is of positive benefit for her.

 

I don't remember your history, though I do recall there being posts addressing your concerns, and I'm starting to wonder if there's someone else out there who dresses more smartly, who "behaves" more to your liking that you're unconsciously comparing your wife to, to a point where you're finding things about her you don't like?

[Iconoclast]

So, I don't get it. What's the problem? You have different interests.

I could lay out a list that looks similar to yours, (2 kids too), yet we fit perfectly together.

[InternationalPlayboy]

You have two kids in common. That's the big one. That is a bond you will always share.

 

Yes, it's the big one. But there are millions of one night stands throughout history that have ended up with the same result. Two kids are a genetic bond, but I like to think we are more than just genes meeting in a Petri dish.

[InternationalPlayboy]

why do you want so badly to change her into someone more user-friendly? You say there's no problems with abuse, with affairs, with shirking parenting responsibility ... yet you're trying to make her into someone she isn't.

 

it's time to choose your battles wisely. If she lives in sweats and tshirts around the house or to WalMart, who cares? It's her time to dress/live in comfort, though stepping up and suggesting that she clean it up for work and social events is of positive benefit for her.

 

I don't remember your history, though I do recall there being posts addressing your concerns, and I'm starting to wonder if there's someone else out there who dresses more smartly, who "behaves" more to your liking that you're unconsciously comparing your wife to, to a point where you're finding things about her you don't like?

 

I'm sure it's nothing more than the start of a mid-life crisis, but occasionally I'd like someone I can engage in conversation without it turning into a rundown of events with the kids or a synopsis of "Young and The Restless."

 

I do choose my battles wisely, but sometimes I wonder if choosing my battles is really an excuse for giving up. You know the story - one spouse becomes a slob, the other complains, they argue, nothing changes and eventually they divorce. It goes both ways for man and wife. I've never been that guy to complain, I can't imagine complaining like that, I don't want to hurt her feelings and hell, I Love her. But, if she burned the sweatpants and lost a little weight - good Lord I wouldn't be on Loveshack complaining.

 

Yes, we're beyond the trying to impress the other phase. She can pee with the door open, she can fart loudly, she can watch soap operas all day. But sweatpants? In public? I mean, really? Is she testing me???

[InternationalPlayboy]

So, I don't get it. What's the problem? You have different interests.

I could lay out a list that looks similar to yours, (2 kids too), yet we fit perfectly together.

 

There is no problem - other people on Loveshack suffer from problems. Just the usual guy approaching middle age and wondering "Is this it?"

[2sunny]

There is no problem - other people on Loveshack suffer from problems. Just the usual guy approaching middle age and wondering "Is this it?"

 

normally, when someone comes here with the complaints you have - he is cheating or is considering cheating with someone... and this is his way of "justifying" it in his mind and then out loud.

 

so, are you considering cheating - or are you already cheating?

 

really, the best approach is to simply be honest with your wife. tell her you aren't diggin' the sweats out in public. tell her you want to work on the intimacy and lack of connection you two seems to be missing.

 

she can't consider changing what you don't like if you don't tell her what that is.

[2sunny]

well i can see from your prior threads now that the attraction to your old neighbor and the constant contact with her is what is getting in the way.

 

tell your wife that you are attracted to this woman you regularly correspond with. that is only right.

 

you now are willing to criticize your wife... and your relationship - mainly because you are comparing her to the fantasy of the other friend. no woman can measure up to your fantasy.

 

be fair to your wife. are you willing to tell her that you have had fantasies and thoughts of this other woman that you regularly correspond with?

[InternationalPlayboy]

normally, when someone comes here with the complaints you have - he is cheating or is considering cheating with someone... and this is his way of "justifying" it in his mind and then out loud.

 

so, are you considering cheating - or are you already cheating?

 

really, the best approach is to simply be honest with your wife. tell her you aren't diggin' the sweats out in public. tell her you want to work on the intimacy and lack of connection you two seems to be missing.

 

she can't consider changing what you don't like if you don't tell her what that is.

 

You raise some good points. She, my wife, complained recently about my choice in cologne and I changed with no problem. I should at least be able to ask her to trash the sweats or keep them in private. She offends easily on such issues, but really...

 

As for the cheating or what not. No. Never cheated. Have no plans to cheat. Thought about, yes. But honestly, if I was going to, it would have happened by now. I'm at the age where I can (usually) foresee consequences much more clearly than when I was younger. Boredom with marriage is a consequence of marriage I never envisioned as a young man. I'm dealing with it as best I can now. I believe I'm handling it better than most, but still far from perfect.

 

As for the neighbor woman you mentioned. We no longer live in the same neighborhood (or state) and I've decided it's for the better if I just let it go and move on. We've had no contact since I visited a few weeks ago.

 

I really do feel this is some kind of mid-life crisis. A mild one - I drive a hybrid not a ragtop, for now.

 

Thanks for your help.

[2sunny]

You raise some good points. She, my wife, complained recently about my choice in cologne and I changed with no problem. I should at least be able to ask her to trash the sweats or keep them in private. She offends easily on such issues, but really...

 

As for the cheating or what not. No. Never cheated. Have no plans to cheat. Thought about, yes. But honestly, if I was going to, it would have happened by now. I'm at the age where I can (usually) foresee consequences much more clearly than when I was younger. Boredom with marriage is a consequence of marriage I never envisioned as a young man. I'm dealing with it as best I can now. I believe I'm handling it better than most, but still far from perfect.

 

As for the neighbor woman you mentioned. We no longer live in the same neighborhood (or state) and I've decided it's for the better if I just let it go and move on. We've had no contact since I visited a few weeks ago.

 

I really do feel this is some kind of mid-life crisis. A mild one - I drive a hybrid not a ragtop, for now.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

stop blaming a mid life crisis... this is just YOU being critical and dishonest. YOU are responsible for your thoughts and actions - so you are to blame for it getting this way. you need to be direct with your wife! "honey, i'm bored with our relationship... what can we do to connect with each other on a higher level to insure intimacy?" can you say that?

 

what are YOU willing to do to invoke SOME sense of intimacy between you and your wife? be specific!

[emmalee]

But sweatpants? In public? I mean, really? Is she testing me???

 

Wow.

A little harsh?

 

Just the usual guy approaching middle age and wondering "Is this it?"

 

Yes this is it.

But 'it' isn't as bad as your making it out to be.

Sure you may be a bit bored. With the routine of life, with your wife, with everything! You need to change the way you think.

Don't be so negative, think of what you have got instead of what you haven't.

Is your wife aware you have such strong hatred of her wearing sweatpants out?

[mem11363]

There are only two areas where you are truly dependent on your spouse:

- Helping parent your kids

- Being your lover

 

And once the kids leave....

 

All the rest can be worked around with minimal friction. If either of those two areas is fuvked, you are going to struggle to feel like you married the right person.

 

 

The background - Wife and I married 12 years ago, two kids. No history of physical abuse, no affairs. Both work and both share parenting duties equally.

 

I love my wife, I do. But I sometimes wonder what would happen had we never met until now, at this point our lives. Never had kids, nothing. Firstly, I doubt we would even meet as our social and professional circles would likely never connect. But that's abstract.

 

Were we to meet now, I don't know what we would talk about. We share few of the same interests. I prefer reading, she watches soap operas. She relies on me to keep her up on current events, cultural affairs and even etiquette. I listen to NPR, she listens to Top 40 and rap. She likes chickflicks and well, I don't.

 

She understands the financial world in ways that I never will and finds it thoroughly fascinating. I don't and question whether I ever will. I prefer cities, she needs the beach. She says she follows politics, but usually just asks me who I'm voting for before she casts her ballot.

 

I don't feel complete until I've showered and dressed for the day. I sometimes have to remind her to shower and she has no problem wearing sweatpants - in public! I choose to exercise regularly because I enjoy it and feel better when I do. Exercise to her is a chore. I'm not a clothes horse, but I have a vague sense of when my clothes are Goodwill-ready. I have to hide her Crocs and quietly sneak her work-related softball team-building t-shirts out in the trash.

 

Of course, there are areas where we overlap. We both like good food, both share a similar sense of humor, religion, parenting, families - The stuff that is seen any normal marriage.

 

Perhaps what we have most in common is simply our history, which is more than most couples can say. I suppose this is the proof of that John Lennon phrase "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

 

But anyways. Sorry for rambling. And my apologies for the grammatical error in the thread title. I changed the last word just before hitting submit. You can take a guess at what the word was, it would work with "an."

Edited November 29, 2010 by mem11363

[2sunny]

i need to ask... WHY are you corresponding with that old neighbor? it obviously is having some negative impact on your M...

 

wouldn't it be useful and helpful to place that energy and intimacy into your M?

[goingstrong]

IP, your's sounds like a typical marriage. If her behavior really bugs you, then change yourself and the way you deal with her.

[xxoo]

I agree with above posters that you are focusing too much on the small negatives. Consider how lucky you are.

 

We just passed Thanksgiving and are coming up on more winter holidays. Consider how fortunate you are to have a wife you love to come home to and share a meal with on a cold night. Think about joy of sharing holidays together with your wife and children, making memories that you will treasure for a lifetime.

 

Yes, this IS it. I don't know if you and your wife have any single friends in your age range, but H and I do, and many of them would give their left arm to have what you have. Please don't take it for granted, or you may lose it!

[Els]

Why did you get together in the first place?

 

Did she change or was she always like this?

[pablopedro]

Where I'm lost is the whole "you'd never meet her today theory."

 

How did you meet her in the past? Something had to bring you two together and the fact it's 12 years later and you're still together, either says you two have both given up on life and just figure this is it or you actually do share a lot of common bonds and interests.

 

And the kid factor doesn't play a part anymore. 60 percent or more of people wind up divorced today, many whom have children. Most people don't stick together just because of children anymore.

And really, how is it better for the kids if the parents barely acknowledge one another or they argue instead of being happy just to pick up or drop off the children.

 

But going back to my original point, if you didn't have any children with your wife, would you stick around ?

[Spark1111]

Most people think compatibility is the key to happiness in a relationship. It is not.

 

Acceptance is.

 

Ninety percent of your arguments will NEVER be resolved to your liking. You and she are individuals who will always hold seperate opinions.

 

You are having a mid-life crisis. What do you intend to do about it? Pick one new venture for her to share with you, and she should pick one new happy, activity for you to share with her.

 

I like my husband to shave on the weekends, and I do nag for it. He could tell me to stuff the sweatpants in public. I would be okay with that.

[starryeyed12]

Something about your post reminded me very much of my ex. Wasn't sure what it was at first, but it was to the point that I went back and read some of your previous threads. My God, I literally laughed out loud reading some things you said about your sexual nature because they are exactly things he has said or things I know he has felt in his previous marriage. He's a self proclaimed "late bloomer" and sexual perv. You have a similar style, and when you said your UN came from the Morrissey song I just shook my head. He loves that band. Coincidence......?? I think not.

 

Anyway, he felt pretty much exactly the way you are feeling about being incompatible with his wife for many years, and he also engaged in what can be considered an EA, similar to what you had with the neighbor. He also takes on the same principle as you to just avoid interactions that could be troublesome. But that got a little fuzzy when he met up with this other woman.

 

He ended up divorcing his wife of 10 years and a son, mostly for the reasons you have listed. (he just turned 37, btw)

 

He's dated other people since then, myself obviously included. He found out the hard way that the grass is not always greener. The woman he had an EA with never panned out. She's still with her husband. And with me, well we have our own issues, but one thing I always feared was that history would repeat itself, and that he would eventually find himself unsatisfied yet again. People of your nature never seem to find themselves in situations where they are satisfied as they feel they should be.

 

We were blissfully happy for a while. His boring, humdrum life was given a shot of adrenaline. But problems always arise and, sex is still too much of an escapism for him. I see that a lot in your posts. Sex will always be a form of escape from the world, but I don't believe you should rely on it as the only time you feel like a complete person or as a remedy to your crappy attitude. No partner can fill you up enough or satisfy you enough when it takes on that kind of significance. That's when you start looking for it in others, as you did with the neighbor or undressing every damn woman you see (however you put it). You wife can sense that about you and it certainly doesn't make her feel comfortable. Yes she knows you are a perv, but she probably questions whether she could ever be enough for you. She does give you sex (though not to the frequency you desire). She senses that you aren't satisfied, and I think she has given up in a way. Maybe the sweatpants are a sign of her giving up trying to "complete" what should be completed in other ways besides hot/steamy/my wife's a MILF/mindlblowing sex. What pressure for her! Sounds like she's said EFF IT, and doesn't care anymore if you think shes sexy or a slob, because either way it probably won't be enough for you.

 

I guess my advice is to talk to her and tell her more of what you want. But most importantly, look inside yourself. Ask yourself how your actions may have been affecting her. Do you have realistic expectations of sex and its significance? If you're using it as escapism, why are you so unhappy? Is it something that can be fixed? What does it take to truly satisfy you?

[pablopedro]

I think sex is only a part of the issues. People that blame it all on that don't want to admit the truth. Sometimes relationships just don't work. In the past people would stay together for their children or because it's just what you did. Now people can't agree on what kind of ice cream they like and wind up divorced. There needs to be some kind of middle ground.

 

You don't want to stay together just for the children. We know that doesn't always work out for the best. Especially for your children. Nothing like being in an environment where both parents are more like roommates than husband and wife. But you shouldn't just jump ship because you think it's boring and you got into one argument.

 

What rarely makes sense is a lot of people jump ship, male and female, and wind up with somebody else soon thereafter. Maybe they were dating all along or maybe they just miss being with somebody. But if you've been married for many years and have children, do you really need to move in with somebody new that soon?

 

Yeah go find yourself. Go find somebody who fits your personality better. if it's really over. But many times it seems people are bored, lost, resentful, have delusional thoughts about their pasts, and then they wind up in worse situations, and wonder what happened. We hear these stories time and time again.

 

To me, if you really are bored, lost, and need to find yourself, why date anybody until you really do find yourself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to end a relationship and be on your own. But it seems a lot of people need to find themselves in another persons bed and then wind up right where they started. Except it might be even worse cause this new person was more or less, just a rebound from a past life you thought you hated.

 

Life isn't easy. Life isn't always a movie. It sure isn't always exciting and it sure isn't always fun. Too many people watch too much tv and read too many happily ever after novels and expect their lives to match that. the problem is the movie ends before the real life scenarios happen.

 

Everybody wants the easy way out. They don't want to work. And relationships do take work. Like i said, if you really want out and are bored, go find yourself. Go do what you need to do. But don't use it as some excuse to be dating somebody else seriously a few months later. And then complaining about the same things. Finding yourself might mean you actually need to find yourself instead of just using it as some lame excuse on why you need out of a relationship.

[Molley]

I read your post and had to shake my head and smile. You sound like my husband of 15 years. I’m amazed when people start saying they have nothing in common… like you’re supposed to be joined at the hip and like everything the same? My husband loves country music, my tastes run toward top 40, rap and classical… but we both enjoy jazz and new age sounds too. AND… at times, I’ll enjoy his music while he enjoys mine. I’m a former ballet dancer, dancing is part of my life… he’d prefer a sharp stick to the eye instead of dancing. BUT, if I ply him with an adult beverage, he will get out there. I enjoy the arts, going to shows, musicals… again, he’ll go with me because I like it, except for the ballet… guys got his limits. I love to check out the decorating in new houses… he, well he’ll go if we can “have a bit of adult play time” when no one is watching… if you know what I mean. I have a master degree, he doesn't even have a college degree. I'm highly focused on my career and tend to do thing quickly. It took him a year to decide on his last car purchase. He hates talking politics, I love it. He hates going to the movies, but will watch chick flicks with me at home (compromise) because I like them. He comes from a very quiet, meek family... my family loves to argue, it's a sport.... he golfs, big yawn to me..... I could go on and on with our differences. What’s my point? We both enjoy different things, because we are individuals, but we still support the other person in their own likes. Part of being married is enjoying seeing your partner have fun doing the things they like to do.

 

I do believe you are heading into a midlife crisis, if you don’t act now. My husband just went through a MLC, without my knowledge for several years. I finally found out because it all came to a head when he was 42. Because he’s the type of guy who doesn’t like conflict, he never said anything… he started becoming less and less involved with us, became bored with regular married life, stopped showing me that he cared… so I gave up, I lost interest in having sex with him, I lost interest in the way I looked… so what if I or wore sweats out… no one cared, he didn’t care. I couldn’t tell you the last time he actually said anything complimentary when I did dress up… not a word, so why the hell bother? Of course, I’m giving you the condensed version here… all of this happened over a span of 2-3 years… until finally he had an affair. The guy who insisted he would never, did. What excuses did I get? We’re boring, we don’t do anything… I’m just unhappy, I should just be by myself and travel, see the world, you don’t understand me, we’re too different… all the stuff you’re basically saying in your thread… After I came out of my own fog I realized something. He wanted me to do all this, to make him happy? What was he doing to make himself happy, to make me happy?… and so now I ask you, what are you doing to keep your relationship fresh, alive, happy and exciting? You can’t expect your wife to be the one to make you happy, you need to take an active part in the relationship, stop with the stupid excuses. Start now… maybe she’ll lose those few pounds and shed that extra bit of weight when she finally realizes that you are once again engaged in the relationship and give rip. But one thing you need to know, if you’re not happy, it’s up to you to change that, cause even if you’re no longer with her, guess what? You’re still with YOU… the unhappy you. My husband finally realized that being happy was his responsibility and all the crap excuses he was providing to justify things to himself and me… they were just that, crap.

 

Ask yourself this… when’s the last time you told your wife she looked hot, beautiful? When’s the last time YOU suggested going out and doing something fun? When’s the last time you surprised her? Dressed up for her? Before it’s too late, talk with your wife… let her know that you think she’s sexy and you would love to see her in something other than sweats… that would be the first step and build from there.

 

If you don't talk now, you'll probably end up having an affair, beyond your little EA... and then you'll really have to work through a huge mess.... much more difficult than trying to figure out if you both have anything in common.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

So...your wife is a financial expert, and you're wanting to ditch her? Good luck! lol.

 

I saw a news program the other evening about how it is MEN who tend toward the movie-dream romance stuff, and when reality sets in, they go running off looking for fantasy land...which lasts about as long as the movies which promote it. Grow up, tend your business, which is being a husband and father, not some whiny b***h.

[starryeyed12]

I just want to throw out one other thought, and maybe I am off base, but like I said I see a great deal of my ex in you and I used to know him very deeply.

 

He's tends to be a escapist and fantasizer. I know everyone is to an extent, and its not like it effects his ability to accomplish tasks that he needs to get done, but it does have a negative effect on him. Fantasizing about women, sex, movies, music, are all things that he uses as an escape from issues in his life. The problem I noticed he faced from this, and maybe it parallels you, is that it hinders his abilty to face and properly deal with the issues in his life. They become roadblocks for him in creating a real path to his own happiness.

 

You seem to be doing a little too much fantasizing recently, and its time to bring yourself down from those lovely clouds. Myself and other posters are just trying to get you to see beyond the fantasy, which you claim to have the ability, but appear to be struggling with at this time.

 

Like some other posters stated, you have to create your own happiness. It's your responsibility to take an active part in building it. The truth is that in all likelihood it won't come to you in the form of another woman. If you do get a divorce, keep in mind that it doesn't promise happiness either. Stay strong and good luck to you.

[Els]

So...your wife is a financial expert, and you're wanting to ditch her? Good luck! lol.

 

 

Yup, just because he doesn't like the way she dresses and feels they have different tastes in certain issues. :/

 

The devil side of me hopes that if he leaves her, he'll one day be faced with a woman filing him a divorce paper because of the very same 'reasons'.