Day 3 of (Essentially) NC

[carrie999]

Quick background...we got into an argument that should never have happened the day before Thanksgiving. He had promised me we'd talk the night before, and texted me that evening that it was unlikely but something like "don't lose hope. Missing you." He never said goodnight that night, and the next morning he was worried that he had upset me when I didn't immediately respond to his chat message telling me about how he couldn't talk the night before. I reassured him that I understood, and said I wished we had a chance to talk, and it turned into an argument that was settled when he realized that I wasn't trying to make him feel bad, and that he should take my words at face value...I missed him, and knew this holiday weekend would make it hard for us to talk.

 

That day, he was fairly confident he'd be able to call me or chat that evening. He had two 40 minute time periods on his way to/from something when he could call. He didn't. In the interim, I found out someone fairly close to me passed away, and when he finally texted me at midnight that he might not be able to talk, I (apparently foolishly) expressed that I wished he had called earlier. I followed that up with a message that I'd be up anyway and would like to hear from him. I just needed to talk to him, as a friend.

 

The next morning, he texted me "Happy snowy turkey day," which he also texted my sister and probably 20 others. I finally responded by saying "Happy Thanksgiving," and later texted him that I hoped he was having a great day and missed him. I heard nothing after that. Friday, I simply texted him "Hello" and later, something like "Are you getting my messages?" He texted back that all he got was hello and are you getting my messages. So our back-and-forth became a b.s. situation that ended in me saying I only wanted to say hi and he said "Hi :-)" and that was it.

 

He completely pulled back this weekend. That was our only (forced) interaction, and he hasn't even said he missed me since Wednesday. Given that it's basically Sunday, he has initiated NC without any explanation or indication of what is happening.

 

This forced me to finally reach out to a good friend to explain what's been going on. She advised me to cut off all contact with him and "suck out the poison" and move on. Moving on to me means that we will no longer have any relationship, because I can't stand to see him again, given the way he's basically written me off, for whatever reason.

 

I never expected that this would be easy, but NC is infinitely more complicated given our situation, and I always thought it would be something we'd discuss first, if not for our benefit, for the benefit of maintaining "normalcy" among our loved ones. It is/would be downright bizarre to our spouses and our siblings and friends, and would or will be an obvious sign that something was going on between us. I've never missed their parties, and we've spent every weekend together for months. If I (and my fiance) disappeared entirely, it would be clear that something happened.

 

I suppose I always figured that we'd continue working through it together, but we're not. I've already surmised that given his absence, we're over, and he just (incorrectly) thinks it's better to wait until some undisclosed time to let me know. He would have had a better chance of salvaging our friendship by being honest and not just treating me like some annoyance. But that's beside the point now. I've lost all hope for a friendship between us, since he actively chose to treat me like garbage. Now I'm just sad and wondering how to approach this without losing every ounce of respect I have from the people who matter to me. Do I have to keep showing up and pretending we're still friends? Can I just cut my losses here and move on? This is horrible...

[goingstrong]

Carrie, your train been heading for the wreck since early August..and here are the brakes being hit, but the wreck is still coming....no avoiding it.

 

And I'm just the rubber necking gawker Joey Grecko....

 

God this is entertaining...

 

Tune in next episode for the exciting confrontation....

Edited November 28, 2010 by goingstrong

[woinlove]

Carrie, who knows what is going on with MM, but his actions say he is focussing on something other than you - perhaps himself, perhaps his marriage, perhaps both.

 

You want him to be more open and kind, but this is often the way affairs go. While you are meeting his needs and he is getting something out of juggling you and his W, he often seems like a great guy. Once he decides he needs something different or risks losing something he wants, you start to see the side of him that allowed him to behave so badly toward his W. Once you start to heal, you'll see him in a more realistic light, which will help you heal some more.

 

This seems like a good time to follow your friend's advice and get the poison out. You also have your other relationship to think of. Previously, it seemed like you wanted to make a decision about your future with your fiance while keeping him in the dark. As you know, I think you should be open with your fiance so he can make his own decision.

 

No matter how you behaved yesterday, you still have the opportunity to behave better tomorrow toward someone who presumably loves and trusts you. Yes, there is a good chance your circle of friends will suspect or find out -- a lot will depend on how your fiance reacts. Right now I would focus on trying to start treating him with respect.

[awkward]

It's probably just the Holiday's eating at his guilty conscious. Don't worry you will probably hear from him on Monday.

 

I thought you were married. Is MM married or is this a long term girlfriend?

[carrie999]

Carrie, who knows what is going on with MM, but his actions say he is focussing on something other than you - perhaps himself, perhaps his marriage, perhaps both.

 

You want him to be more open and kind, but this is often the way affairs go. While you are meeting his needs and he is getting something out of juggling you and his W, he often seems like a great guy. Once he decides he needs something different or risks losing something he wants, you start to see the side of him that allowed him to behave so badly toward his W. Once you start to heal, you'll see him in a more realistic light, which will help you heal some more.

 

This seems like a good time to follow your friend's advice and get the poison out. You also have your other relationship to think of. Previously, it seemed like you wanted to make a decision about your future with your fiance while keeping him in the dark. As you know, I think you should be open with your fiance so he can make his own decision.

 

No matter how you behaved yesterday, you still have the opportunity to behave better tomorrow toward someone who presumably loves and trusts you. Yes, there is a good chance your circle of friends will suspect or find out -- a lot will depend on how your fiance reacts. Right now I would focus on trying to start treating him with respect.

 

Thank you, woinlove, for your input. You're absolutely right. I'm not sure which approach to take yet with my fiance, but we actually postponed the wedding indefinitely tonight. He's been under stress for reasons completely unrelated to me, and we have too many financial pressures to reasonably get married (even at the budget we set) this year. I brought up postponing the wedding tonight, and he was incredibly relieved and has wanted to do so, but afraid to tell me.

 

I have to work out my own issues, and we have to work out the issues we have together. That has to be my primary focus: working on me, and working on us.

 

MM contacted me last night via chat when I least expected it. He must have written a full page of apologies and explanations and then asked if his messages were going through when I finally just said "yes." Then I basically told him to talk because I wasn't sure what to say, and he went on and on about his introspection and how after so much thinking, he just missed me and needed me in his life...how sorry he was to be a jerk in pulling back...blah, blah, blah.

 

After listening to him, and speaking my mind, I told him I'm not making decisions, but at the very least I will forgive him, because I need to for myself. And I've left it at that. We're not "not" friends right now, but I know this is a bad situation for us both, and can and will get worse. So I'm taking my own space and figuring out how to proceed.

 

Sorry to disappoint those who are looking forward to the train wreck, but it looks to me like he is a genuinely good person, albeit confused and making misguided decisions right now. So am I, clearly. And I've decided that it matters more to me to take some space, back off, and hopefully maintain the friendship we have. At this point, I believe that neither of us wants to lose that, and it's not worth sacrificing everything for a "relationship" that is doomed to fail and possibly explode our worlds.

 

So that's where it is. I appreciate him reaching out, missing me, expressing his love, and giving me space. We'll take it from here and see what happens. By yesterday, I didn't expect us to ever talk again, so now I'm much more peaceful about the idea of shifting this to a friendship and cutting our losses without losing eachother entirely.

[Heather1]

You're just getting started...

 

Happy Holidays to us all!!! I, for one, spent T-day w/ a room full of people I'm sure were trying to break free to txt lovers & couldn't.

 

Cheers!

[woinlove]

 

So that's where it is. I appreciate him reaching out, missing me, expressing his love, and giving me space. We'll take it from here and see what happens. By yesterday, I didn't expect us to ever talk again, so now I'm much more peaceful about the idea of shifting this to a friendship and cutting our losses without losing eachother entirely.

 

If you manage to shift this to friendship, you are both very unusual people. You've surely read here all the cases of people struggling to maintain NC. They do this because it is the only way they are able to disengage from the intense connection and re-engage with the rest of their life. Don't end up living less than half a life in other respects because your mind and feelings are still with MM.

[carrie999]

If you manage to shift this to friendship, you are both very unusual people. You've surely read here all the cases of people struggling to maintain NC. They do this because it is the only way they are able to disengage from the intense connection and re-engage with the rest of their life. Don't end up living less than half a life in other respects because your mind and feelings are still with MM.

 

We shall see. I've cut off the constant conversation I left open before via chat. We have messaged back and forth a few times to say hi and set up tentative plans to go Christmas shopping together, since we always shopped well together (we have in the past to pick up stuff for certain hobbies we have in common, and for birthdays), and when we shop, it's all business but still fun...good conversation about light things (not us), and no intimacy of any kind. So the plan is to do that one day, and meet up with his wife for dinner, then go home.

 

What remains then is still getting together for parties and to do things as a foursome, and not slip into old habits. The friendship may or may not work, but it's worth a shot. Completely wrong extracurricular activities aside, we really have a great time together, and maybe we still can. We just have to see if we can both do so without letting it turn back into what it was, or letting it consume us. Starting slow...

[goingstrong]

Chug chug chug Chug chug.....

[Pink_orchid]

Hi Carrie I don't think you love your fiance as you are making a complete fool of him. I don't think you should be marrying him in my humble opinion. He sounds like a decent guy who deserves someone who really loves him, are you just scared of being alone, so you hang on to this guy for security. Do him a favour and set him free.

 

As for the other guy, I think it would be best not to do any more 'friend' things with him. It will just prolong the pain and prevent you from moving on. If you two are meant to be together - and maybe you are, who knows - a complete break from each other is needed for you both to sort out your thoughts.

 

I think you need to stop kidding yourself that you can continue this 'friendship' in the current situation. Decide what to do about your fiance first and take a break from this other guy, spending time together I mean, and see what transpires. Your real feelings (and his) will come out in time. And don't re-book that damn wedding! What a waste of everyone's time and money that would be.

[Star_Bright]

We shall see. I've cut off the constant conversation I left open before via chat. We have messaged back and forth a few times to say hi and set up tentative plans to go Christmas shopping together, since we always shopped well together (we have in the past to pick up stuff for certain hobbies we have in common, and for birthdays), and when we shop, it's all business but still fun...good conversation about light things (not us), and no intimacy of any kind. So the plan is to do that one day, and meet up with his wife for dinner, then go home.

 

What remains then is still getting together for parties and to do things as a foursome, and not slip into old habits. The friendship may or may not work, but it's worth a shot. Completely wrong extracurricular activities aside, we really have a great time together, and maybe we still can. We just have to see if we can both do so without letting it turn back into what it was, or letting it consume us. Starting slow...

 

 

Meet up with his wife for dinner?

 

Wow.

 

Both you and MM are playing MM's wife for a fool. And how do you feel having dinner with your MM's wife? After knowing what you say you now know and knowing where MM's interests truly lie and how he has treated you, how can you continue to do this to both yourself and MM's wife?

 

And I agree with pink orchid that you are also playing your fiance for a fool and only with him for comfort and because you don't want to be alone. And that you are fooling yourself that you can still be friends with MM without hurting yourself, or his marriage, any further.

 

I know it is hard to be alone but I think it is what you need to do because you sound extremely confused and your first step is to be honest with yourself.

 

Good luck.

[carrie999]

Sigh...yes, you're all right. This is why I'm here, in addition to starting IC. I'm trying to gain perspective and make good decisions. I've never been so confused in my life, but then again, I never cheated or got involved with someone who wasn't completely single. This is completely out of character for me, and terrifying, and I'm wading through it to the best of my ability.

 

Right now, I'm not thinking clearly, and just trying to do damage control while I figure out where my head really is. I honestly had no idea that I wasn't happy with my fiance until I strayed. I'm still not sure what was missing (within me and/or our relationship) that made me lose my self-control and stray from him. I'd rather be honest with him and work through this together than just break it off, but then again, others here have pointed out that if I intend to work through my issues and stay with him, it may be more selfish for me to tell him and "get it off my chest" than it would be to just figure myself out and resolve to be good to him.

 

As for MM, I'm not sure if it's better to cut it off entirely, be honest, or just maintain some sort of friendship.

 

Point is, until I figure this all out, I think the middle ground is best. I think I should work on myself and my relationship while maintaining status quo with MM. This isn't a permanent solution, but making decisions about how to handle everything all at once isn't practical.

 

One step at a time.

[woinlove]

Sigh...yes, you're all right. This is why I'm here, in addition to starting IC. I'm trying to gain perspective and make good decisions. I've never been so confused in my life, but then again, I never cheated or got involved with someone who wasn't completely single. This is completely out of character for me, and terrifying, and I'm wading through it to the best of my ability.

 

Right now, I'm not thinking clearly, and just trying to do damage control while I figure out where my head really is. I honestly had no idea that I wasn't happy with my fiance until I strayed. I'm still not sure what was missing (within me and/or our relationship) that made me lose my self-control and stray from him. I'd rather be honest with him and work through this together than just break it off, but then again, others here have pointed out that if I intend to work through my issues and stay with him, it may be more selfish for me to tell him and "get it off my chest" than it would be to just figure myself out and resolve to be good to him.

 

As for MM, I'm not sure if it's better to cut it off entirely, be honest, or just maintain some sort of friendship.

 

Point is, until I figure this all out, I think the middle ground is best. I think I should work on myself and my relationship while maintaining status quo with MM. This isn't a permanent solution, but making decisions about how to handle everything all at once isn't practical.

 

One step at a time.

 

How cruel is it to trick your fiance into marrying you by pretending you are something you are not - i.e. that you are a faithful fiancee. I can only imagine someone who doesn't like your fiance or who themselves is deep into selfish affair-rationalization would ever suggest you treat him like that.

 

I took an interest in your posts because you seemed naive and it seemed that you had allowed yourself to behave badly but wanted to behave better. However, your continuing posts show that while you continue to talk about behaving better, you really don't have any inclination to follow through with actions.

 

Sure, keep interacting with MM, as that is likely to cause more problems in his M but fool your mutual friends, and keep deceiving your fiance because you've been fooling him pretty well so far. And keep telling yourself that you are doing the best you can. Because that seems to be how you want to live your life. After all, until you figure all of this out, it is too soon to start behaving well toward others, isn't it?

Edited December 4, 2010 by woinlove

[carrie999]

How cruel is it to trick your fiance into marrying you by pretending you are something you are not - i.e. that you are a faithful fiancee. I can only imagine someone who doesn't like your fiance or who themselves is deep into selfish affair-rationalization would ever suggest you treat him like that.

 

I took an interest in your posts because you seemed naive and it seemed that you had allowed yourself to behave badly but wanted to behave better. However, your continuing posts show that while you continue to talk about behaving better, you really don't have any inclination to follow through with actions.

 

Sure, keep interacting with MM, as that is likely to cause more problems in his M but fool your mutual friends, and keep deceiving your fiance because you've been fooling him pretty well so far. And keep telling yourself that you are doing the best you can. Because that seems to be how you want to live your life. After all, until you figure all of this out, it is too soon to start behaving well toward others, isn't it?

 

I really AM naive, and this situation has thrown me for a loop. Never before did I recognize there was either a problem with my relationship or with ME. I never cheated on anyone, or had interest in someone who was involved with another woman, much less engaged or married. Never in my relationships (including to my fiance) did I entertain the idea, or feel more than the most fleeting and innocent attraction to anyone else. While I've ended the affair as a romantic relationship, I have no idea how to proceed.

 

So many people have advised me that it's selfish to tell him, and that all that will happen is that it's exposed (likely to everyone), I feel better for being honest, and that it wrecks everyone else involved.

 

Woinlove, you have taken an interest in this and have given me some great insight. I truly would like to know how you think I should proceed from this point. I'm certainly not trying to trick my fiance into marrying me, and suggested postponing mainly to make sure we're both in the right place to commit fully to a life together. He's under so much stress that I know he's not fully ready, and when life allows him to clear his head, he may find he doesn't want to marry me. I'm obviously not sure about him, though I didn't realize that was true until I got involved with MM.

 

Since everything is so unclear, I just wanted to find a way to make it right, for now. When I talked about telling him, I was advised strongly that it was a selfish move that would only hurt him and BS (since he would likely tell her), and that while my conscience may be more clear, it would only serve to hurt everyone else. When I decided to end the affair as it is, I realized that cutting off communication and making drastic changes right away would tell everyone around us we were involved.

 

Despite whatever I've said or others (including you) have read to the contrary, I really am trying to make this right, somehow. I don't have a leg to stand on, and I have no idea what is right. It kills me to pretend to be okay with MM, yet I'm trying to do so in order to maintain status quo and NOT raise suspicion.

 

The only solution I've come up with in that regard is to remain his friend, pretend it's okay, and back off as slowly as we became close so it just appears to everyone around us that we're naturally drifting apart.

 

As for my fiance, I fully intended to be honest with him if we were to marry, and I never intended to marry him unless (or until) I could be sure that there's only room for him in my heart. I do take marriage very seriously, and turned down proposals in the past because I wasn't sure about them. I accepted his because I WAS sure about him, and won't marry him unless I am.

 

Honestly, I am an intelligent person who generally makes good decisions, and in this case, I've blown all credibility. But I really am trying, and (still addressed to woinlove), I'd really appreciate your advice on how I should handle this mess.

[Carrot2000]

Carrie, you're trying to avoid taking a hit; you know you've behaved badly but don't want to accept the consequences of your actions. As much as you claim you don't want to reveal the affair because of the pain it will cause, the reality is that you don't want to confess because you know the end result is that you'll end up alone.

 

--MM is already pulling back, so you know there's no guarantee of a

relationship if the ish hits the fan.

 

--Your fiance will most definitely leave you.

 

--You'll become the fodder for gossip in your social circle and may find

yourself cut off.

 

Rather deal face this outcome, you try to keep all of these balls juggling in the air in order to protect yourself: you're going to keep the status quo with MM so you don't arouse suspicion and continue to gaslight your fiance all while you try to figure out what the hell happened.

 

You've become comfortable with and adept at deception. I bet it's exhausting to keep all the lies going. The sad thing is that the biggest lie in this whole mess is the one you're telling yourself--that you can somehow avoid the inevitable consequences of your behavior indefinitely. You can't.

 

Do you really want to know how to handle this mess? You handle it by being honest. You handle it by finally acting with some integrity. Stop trying to dodge a bullet and take ownership of your behavior. Whether or not you understand why you did what you did is immaterial; getting to the root of your actions is your problem, not your fiance's. Trying to figure it out while you dangle him along is cruel.

 

You need to come clean, Carrie. Tell your fiance that you've been cheating. Stop making decisions for him and claiming your doing it in his best interest. The truth is that the only person you're looking out for is yourself.

[woinlove]

I really AM naive, and this situation has thrown me for a loop. Never before did I recognize there was either a problem with my relationship or with ME. I never cheated on anyone, or had interest in someone who was involved with another woman, much less engaged or married. Never in my relationships (including to my fiance) did I entertain the idea, or feel more than the most fleeting and innocent attraction to anyone else. While I've ended the affair as a romantic relationship, I have no idea how to proceed.

 

So many people have advised me that it's selfish to tell him, and that all that will happen is that it's exposed (likely to everyone), I feel better for being honest, and that it wrecks everyone else involved.

 

Woinlove, you have taken an interest in this and have given me some great insight. I truly would like to know how you think I should proceed from this point. I'm certainly not trying to trick my fiance into marrying me, and suggested postponing mainly to make sure we're both in the right place to commit fully to a life together. He's under so much stress that I know he's not fully ready, and when life allows him to clear his head, he may find he doesn't want to marry me. I'm obviously not sure about him, though I didn't realize that was true until I got involved with MM.

 

Since everything is so unclear, I just wanted to find a way to make it right, for now. When I talked about telling him, I was advised strongly that it was a selfish move that would only hurt him and BS (since he would likely tell her), and that while my conscience may be more clear, it would only serve to hurt everyone else. When I decided to end the affair as it is, I realized that cutting off communication and making drastic changes right away would tell everyone around us we were involved.

 

Despite whatever I've said or others (including you) have read to the contrary, I really am trying to make this right, somehow. I don't have a leg to stand on, and I have no idea what is right. It kills me to pretend to be okay with MM, yet I'm trying to do so in order to maintain status quo and NOT raise suspicion.

 

The only solution I've come up with in that regard is to remain his friend, pretend it's okay, and back off as slowly as we became close so it just appears to everyone around us that we're naturally drifting apart.

 

As for my fiance, I fully intended to be honest with him if we were to marry, and I never intended to marry him unless (or until) I could be sure that there's only room for him in my heart. I do take marriage very seriously, and turned down proposals in the past because I wasn't sure about them. I accepted his because I WAS sure about him, and won't marry him unless I am.

 

Honestly, I am an intelligent person who generally makes good decisions, and in this case, I've blown all credibility. But I really am trying, and (still addressed to woinlove), I'd really appreciate your advice on how I should handle this mess.

 

What do I think?

 

I think you cannot marry your fiance and keep this a secret. I would feel similarly even for a ONS, but the larger the betrayal, the more strongly I feel about this. You had a love affair for months with a (close or relatively close) friend of his. That is a huge betrayal and any marriage between you two with this secret would be a sham. Many marriages do not survive and you would be giving yours a huge handicap, not to mention how disrespectful this would be to him.

 

That leaves you with two choices:

1. Leave your fiance now without telling him the truth.

2. Tell him the truth.

 

1. is fraught with problems. Your fiance will want to know why you are ending things and you will need to deceive further, by saying something like "I am unhappy and need to work on myself alone", or whatever you think is somewhat truthful, but lying by omission. Yes, it will hurt him, but he has already been hurt and doesn't know it and the only question is how much your actions will continue to mess up the rest of his life. This is nowhere near as harmful to him long-term as you marrying him with the secret. If you do 1, you need to make it final, make him see there is no hope, and you'll need to keep the secret from everyone. Of course, your MM could tell his wife sometime and then your farce will blow up anyway. That is a risk you take with this option.

 

2. Tell and your fiance will likely leave you, but you have kind of killed the relationship you had with him anyway. Most people would not choose to marry someone who cheated over months with a friend of theirs. However, he might be one of a few who wants to work through it with you. In either case, you will see tremendous pain. Try not to feel sorry for yourself and make it about you, keep in mind he is the wronged party. Also, don't continue to deceive with partial truths that will prolong his recovery because he'll go over them and figure out they don't make sense.

 

Yes, your MM's wife may find out in either case, and this is most likely to happen in scenario 2. However, even though they aren't planning right now, they could have children in the future. Chances are MM will cheat again. Most people do unless they do a lot of work to change, and it is almost impossible to do that work while keeping it all a secret from your spouse. Better their life blow up now rather than when they have kids who will also be affected. Again, his W (and your friend, so have some compassion for her) could leave and build a better life now. Divorce is never easy, but it is a lot easier with no children involved.

 

Option 3 is the option I know you want but it is either fantasy or extremely cruel. You want to keep this a secret, work on figuring things out, and hope you and your fiance amicably agree to end things without you ever having to confess. You get out, don't have to live a marriage built on a lie, and no one is the wiser. This is a fantasy. You could try to make your fiance decide to end things by purposely trying to kill his love for you. That is a cruel way to behave, may not work, and it'll do a real number on your self-esteem too. It also depends on your MM pulling off the secret indefinitely on his end.

 

I think you can see things have to end with your fiance, unless you confess and he decides for some reason he will work it out with you and you want that too. So assuming things are going to end, the only question is how will he be treated leading up to and during that end. How you treat him will affect your future relationships as well as his. So think about that.

Edited December 5, 2010 by woinlove

[awkward]

Carrie IMO I think you are headed in the right direction. I can tell from your recent posts that your perspective is shifting and you are starting to focus on yourself more than your MM.

 

You have received a lot of advice from others in this thread regarding your fiance. I agree with the advice that you need to let him go. Make sure you are ready for your actions to back up your words *vows* before you decide to get engaged again or you'll be setting yourself up for failure.

 

Also, please don't try to keep your friendship with the BS. That is wrong on so many levels. Good luck to you. Keep working on yourself and you'll find happiness.

[Spiritgirl]

You have received some good advice so all I have to add is this: please dont continue to pretend to be friends with MM's wife, ie. have dinner with his wife, with or without him. That is just the ultimate in deception. How would you feel if you found out the woman who was f-ing your husband (fiance) was pretending to be your friend? If you're not willing to tell her the truth, at least dont make it worse.

Also, you have stated you want to work on yourself before you do or say anything. Okay, thats fair, but HOW are you working on yourself? Are you going to counseling for help straightening out your life? If the answer is no, then you are continuing to fool yourself. You simply cant think your way out of a situation like this. You need qualified objective help by a trained professional. Not trying to sound harsh but please be honest with yourself and get the help that you need so you can do the right thing.

Good luck.

[carrie999]

Thank you to those of you who gave me truly constructive advice. I really have wanted to come clean since this all started, but I fed into all the advice from people who thought that was actually more selfish than just holding it in and dealing with it on my own. For me, honestly is the only logical way to proceed...how can anyone make the right decision without knowing the facts?

 

The next step is for me to figure out how and when to tell my fiance, since he is really the only one that matters. If he chooses to tell others, that's up to him, but my only responsibility is to our relationship, and most of all, him. He truly deserves the best, and I hope--no, I know--that he will eventually get the best, since he deserves it.

 

Thank you for the clarity.

[Carrot2000]

Good job on deciding to be honest!

 

Truthfully, there's no "right time" or "right way" to tell someone you've betrayed them, so don't put off doing the "right thing" because you're waiting for an opportune moment.