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Haven't heard from my boyfriend since he went home for Thanksgiving?

glitteronthehighway

By glitteronthehighway
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glitteronthehighway Member

glitteronthehighway

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I've been in a relationship with this guy for about three months.

He's by far the most thoughtful and considerate guy I've dated aside from this communication thing, which has been an issue we've discussed over other weekends apart because it just simply does not occur to him to contact me.

 

So before Thanksgiving we had a talk and he said he'd call me while he was home for four days. He cooked me dinner the night before left and took me to the movies, everything was fabulous etc.

I haven't really heard from him since he left.

I texted him Thanksgiving something sweet. "Good morning, happy thanksgiving, I am thankful for youUu."

No response for five hours, and the response was just a question about work.

Okay...hes with his family...cool...fine...

Later he butt dials me. I get all excited thinking he was calling, called him back and he said no, he didn't mean to call and he was having dinner so he quickly hung up.

Next day...nothing....

Today....I texted him and told him to book his ticket home for Christmas a little later if he could. (we had discussed previously going to an event together) He couldn't bother to formulate a proper question and responded with "???" to which I said Nevermind.

Nothing since. It's now past midnight and he flies home tomorrow.

Am I overreacting or should I be as pissed as I feel?

I mean, it's been three days since he's initiated any sort of contact. I feel like that's unacceptable since we had specifically discussed this before...And yes, he's with his family but how long does it take to send even a text to say "How was your Thanksgiving?" 5 seconds, give or take.

So...do I

A. Break up with him

B. Pretend everything is totally fine, but be very very unavailable for about a week til he gets a clue

C. Send him some Whitney Houston lyrics in the middle of the night as an expression of my emotions. (just kidding...)

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Forget judging him on texting. So many people get upset because of this.

 

Talk to him in person. Then go from there.

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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Agreed. You shouldn't be shying from calling him three months in; make it personal.

SmileFace Established Member

SmileFace

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Just stop texting him until he gets back and talk to him in person.

 

Don't break up with him - wait until you hear his side.

 

Please don't play games - you will only waste your time being unavailable.

 

But the lyrics sound like a plan - just kidding.

that girl Established Member

that girl

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A. Break up with him

B. Pretend everything is totally fine, but be very very unavailable for about a week til he gets a clue

C. Send him some Whitney Houston lyrics in the middle of the night as an expression of my emotions. (just kidding...)

This is all a little bit psycho.

 

The way you handle it is when he gets back you say "You told me you would keep in touch while you were home, but you didn't. I was very disappointed and a little worried not to hear from you. Next time make sure to call."

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glitteronthehighway Member

glitteronthehighway

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Well I wouldn't say it's completely psycho since that conversation has already occurred several times and I'm more concerned with the implications rather than the issue itself, but I do appreciate the perspective.

 

My concern is that if he didn't feel the need to talk to me for four days, he's not actually that into me.

Undine Member

Undine

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Yes, it's psycho if you break up with someone out of nowhere because they pushed a button they didn't know about, it's not psycho if you've already hashed this out multiple times and he keeps pushing the damn button knowing that it makes you feel bad.

 

I'd have a few alarm bells going off too after four days of brush-off messages like that over a holiday. I wouldn't expect long phone calls where everything revolved around me or anything since we'd both be with family but seriously it's not that much to expect, a few minutes out of all that time, if he really likes you.

 

I wouldn't play any games, but I wouldn't pull any punches either. Wait until he gets home and sets up time to see you in person, then let him know you were thinking about how this reads to you, the implications you see, how you felt treated, and that it might be a dealbreaker. Maybe he has a totally different point of view and it will be totally reasonable and a few years from now you guys will look back on this and laugh. But maybe you are rushing things a little and he's not in the same place you are emotionally at all. Might as well find out.

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glitteronthehighway Member

glitteronthehighway

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Yeah, I'm with you Undine--wasn't expecting long talks either, but I don't have a lot of relationship experience so I'm still trying to figure out the trade-offs and what should be a dealbreaker. Thanks for your insight.

Undine Member

Undine

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One word of advice, a lot of guys just don't get what we think is painfully obvious. When you have this kind of conversation, you need to seriously break it down and spell out every little thing, without getting frustrated because it feels like something they should already know. Try not to sound accusing or start off angry, and make sure you let him know you're not trying to keep him on some kind of electronic leash, you just need to feel prioritized and respected. It is important to you that the guy you are with makes you feel important and like he thinks about you when you're not there, and that's totally fair. Help him see that as a useful and practical goal towards keeping you both happy, and it's not something you're nagging him about like homework or a chore. Guys sometimes really need to be led into cooperative behavior but they hate to be pushed or dragged, and sometimes it's a fine line.

alexlakeman Established Member

alexlakeman

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He's busy seeing his ex gf back hm

 

Or

 

He never left town, but needed some spaceto spend with the other gd's family

 

Or

He just wanted to spend time with another woman

 

Or

He's just into the family & stuff.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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Well I wouldn't say it's completely psycho since that conversation has already occurred several times and I'm more concerned with the implications rather than the issue itself, but I do appreciate the perspective.

 

My concern is that if he didn't feel the need to talk to me for four days, he's not actually that into me.

 

 

i think this is it. also the fact that he disrespected and disregarded you when he specifically said he would call.

 

he's thinking of himself WAY more than he should be... and not thinking of you at all. he's selfish and inconsiderate, at best.

 

i just would never make room for a man in my life when he doesn't make me a priority after he promises that he will. he basically showed evidence that he lies and disregards you.

 

that's enough for me not to feel warm and fuzzy about him at all.

EricaH329 Established Member

EricaH329

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[/b]

 

 

i think this is it. also the fact that he disrespected and disregarded you when he specifically said he would call.

 

he's thinking of himself WAY more than he should be... and not thinking of you at all. he's selfish and inconsiderate, at best.

 

i just would never make room for a man in my life when he doesn't make me a priority after he promises that he will. he basically showed evidence that he lies and disregards you.

 

that's enough for me not to feel warm and fuzzy about him at all.

 

2sunny, does this thread remind you of anything? :laugh: I went through the same thing awhile back, and you gave me some of the best advice :bunny:

 

OP, I would suggest telling him how this makes you feel and what is unacceptable to you. Lay it all down on the line. If he does not agree, well then you two are just not a match. But you need to allow him the choice to decide whether your communication standard is the same as his. Don't break up with him without allowing him that chance.

dispatch3d Established Member

dispatch3d

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can we have 3 non-passive aggressive options to choose from?

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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I'd be upset if during the holidays, when you're with (or THINKING about) the people that matter the most to you, I'd be upset if I didn't hear from my boyfriend over 4 days, and didn't get a response back to my efforts to communicate with him.

 

When he gets back, I'd sit him down and explain just that. But I'd be fearful that his response would confirm my suspicions that he just doesn't feel the same about me as I do him...and I'd have to be prepared to end the relationship.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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2sunny, does this thread remind you of anything? :laugh: I went through the same thing awhile back, and you gave me some of the best advice :bunny:

 

OP, I would suggest telling him how this makes you feel and what is unacceptable to you. Lay it all down on the line. If he does not agree, well then you two are just not a match. But you need to allow him the choice to decide whether your communication standard is the same as his. Don't break up with him without allowing him that chance.

 

thank you! i can't remember now what advice i specifically gave - although i would imagine that it included not short changing yourself for a man.

 

this guy here isn't even willing to be a decent guy. i'm not sure what is attractive about that at all...

EricaH329 Established Member

EricaH329

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thank you! i can't remember now what advice i specifically gave - although i would imagine that it included not short changing yourself for a man.

 

this guy here isn't even willing to be a decent guy. i'm not sure what is attractive about that at all...

 

I completely agree. His responses to the OP's texts/calls don't even humor her. It seems as though he isn't making the slightest bit of effort at all.

 

It most certainly cannot continue on this way. OP, you *will* (I promise you) begin to resent him if you allow this to continue on the way it is. I had to deal with that sort of aloof/cold behavior from my ex for a long time, much longer than necessary.

 

There are no options, this isn't a multiple choice situation. He either complies, or he doesn't. If he does, great!! If not, then i'm sure someone else will.

EricaH329 Established Member

EricaH329

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Yes!! I was about to post that same link myself. OP -- I highly suggest taking a look at what I had gone through, for quite some time. You may benefit from reading the advice that was given to me. I know I did.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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I completely agree. His responses to the OP's texts/calls don't even humor her. It seems as though he isn't making the slightest bit of effort at all.

 

It most certainly cannot continue on this way. OP, you *will* (I promise you) begin to resent him if you allow this to continue on the way it is. I had to deal with that sort of aloof/cold behavior from my ex for a long time, much longer than necessary.

 

There are no options, this isn't a multiple choice situation. He either complies, or he doesn't. If he does, great!! If not, then i'm sure someone else will.

 

Great advice, Erica. :)

 

This situation makes me sad, though...

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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at the 3 month mark he is either head over heels about you and will go to any length to correspond and have you as HIS priority - or he will see you as a bother and won't be willing to make much effort or prioritize you as his primary concern.

 

based upon his inaction (even when you are prompting him) seems the latter is where he is...

EricaH329 Established Member

EricaH329

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Great advice, Erica. :)

 

This situation makes me sad, though...

 

Thank you Star :D:bunny: This is an unfortunate situation. I just hope that the OP will stand up for herself and lay down her needs as opposed to allowing this to continue.

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