Jealous of her past

[Synesthetic]

I'm sure there have been a ton of threads on topics such as this, but I'm new to this forum (so first of all, hello!) and I'd really love to vent as well as here feedback, as anything would be very helpful.

 

I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 years, and I had no serious relationships before her, which means that I was a virgin and completely innocent. She however, was not. She says that she used to hook up a lot and stuff, and that has always really bothered me - especially in the beginning of the relationship.

 

I realize a big part of it is insecurity, as we rarely have sex now, so I think I may be subconsciously thinking that maybe she's not attracted to me anymore. I had gotten over this awhile ago, but a recent string of events have happened this week and has severely depressed me.

 

Last week at the movies, I come back to our seat from getting popcorn and she says to me "I don't want this to be awkward, but I hooked up with a guy who's sitting 6 seats down, so can we avoid him when we walk out?" I felt like it was 100x more awkward for me. I couldn't even enjoy the movie because all I could think about is what did she do with him, is he better looking than me? Did she much more sexual with him than she is/was with me? When we first started dating/seeing each other, she was very sexually aggressive, at the time it was awesome, but I can't help but wonder if she was like this with the people before me, and if we ever broke up if she would just throw herself at another guy.

 

The second part happened tonight. I hope this isn't too graphic. But she was talking about our mutual friend and how she doesn't understand why my girlfriend doesn't swallow while blowing a guy - as her friend likes doing it. My girlfriend said it makes her feel full. I gave her a look, and she said that she knows she gets full because of the times she's done it to me. The thing is, she's only done it once - many years ago. So the whole time I was thinking about how she was probably confusing me with one of the other guys she used to do it for. Did she like doing it? Did she do it to get them to like her? Now that she "has" me does she feel like she doesn't have to do these adventurous things? We rarely have sex and when we do its so vanilla and repetitive. The thought of that she most likely did "crazy" stuff like this with other guys really makes me feel insignificant.

 

Thanks for reading, and for any advice you might have.

[whichwayisup]

The head thing, who knows... unless this conversation happened with the friend, so the three of you were talking? if so, then she was making it seem like she gave head alot, so her friend would think more of her (female boasting i guess..)

 

The thing that happened in the movie theatre.

 

1)Either she knows how you might feel about an ex, or someone she hooked up with and decided it was easier to avoid or 2)that hook up was recent and she lied to him about having a boyfriend.

 

Just come right out and ask her.

 

I don't understand those who constantly talk about their ex's and past hook ups alot. its one thing to talk about once in a while, but it seems she's bringing it up way too much.

 

Have an honest conversation with her about how she feels about you, the relationship, is she happy, is there something more you can do, and also tell her your needs and expectations as well.

 

Four years is a long time so I would hope you two can have honest and heart felt conversations.

[Synesthetic]

To clarify, my gf's friend, we'll call her Betty, my gf and betty were walking about bjs, and betty doesn't understand why my gf doesn't like swallowing.

 

Today, my gf mentioned that, and she stated she doesn't like it because she feels full afterwards. I asked how she can base that off one time. She said that we've done it more than once - and I was positive that it was only once - so I was worried that perhaps she was thinking of another guy.

 

In the movie theater, I realize how it could be awkward if they bumped into eachother, I'd avoid the guy in her shoes too. I just don't get why she'd tell me that, it'd have been so easy to avoid the guy without saying anything.

 

But to cut to the chase, she and I talked on the phone around 30 minutes after my first post. I told her how I was jealous and insecure, and thought she was thinking of another guy since we'd only done it once. She reassured me that she loved me and only wanted to be with me. I told her I didn't doubt that, and I know shes committed and stuff. But that the thought of her with other guys made me sick to my stomach. I told her I didn't want her to confirm or deny swallowing other guys when I first told her about how I felt. I said it was none of my business and won't do any good. However when she was trying to comfort/reassure me, she made it sound like it WAS just me, and asked if she could just come out and tell the truth.

 

Thats when she told me she'd done it two times before me. Once, the first time she did it and didn't realize it. The second time was a surprise/accident. When I heard this I felt violently sick, she made it sound like it was only me, and that she based feeling "full" on the one time with me, but in fact she may or may not have based it upon the first two times. I'm so depressed right now. I can't help but picture faceless dudes and my gf.

 

I reacted badly on the phone, and made her feel bad about it. I tried to tell her that it was her misleading of the information and the shock of hearing about the first two that upset me, but she took it as me calling her a slut.

[wicar1]

To clarify, my gf's friend, we'll call her Betty, my gf and betty were walking about bjs, and betty doesn't understand why my gf doesn't like swallowing.

 

Today, my gf mentioned that, and she stated she doesn't like it because she feels full afterwards. I asked how she can base that off one time. She said that we've done it more than once - and I was positive that it was only once - so I was worried that perhaps she was thinking of another guy.

 

In the movie theater, I realize how it could be awkward if they bumped into eachother, I'd avoid the guy in her shoes too. I just don't get why she'd tell me that, it'd have been so easy to avoid the guy without saying anything.

 

But to cut to the chase, she and I talked on the phone around 30 minutes after my first post. I told her how I was jealous and insecure, and thought she was thinking of another guy since we'd only done it once. She reassured me that she loved me and only wanted to be with me. I told her I didn't doubt that, and I know shes committed and stuff. But that the thought of her with other guys made me sick to my stomach. I told her I didn't want her to confirm or deny swallowing other guys when I first told her about how I felt. I said it was none of my business and won't do any good. However when she was trying to comfort/reassure me, she made it sound like it WAS just me, and asked if she could just come out and tell the truth.

 

Thats when she told me she'd done it two times before me. Once, the first time she did it and didn't realize it. The second time was a surprise/accident. When I heard this I felt violently sick, she made it sound like it was only me, and that she based feeling "full" on the one time with me, but in fact she may or may not have based it upon the first two times. I'm so depressed right now. I can't help but picture faceless dudes and my gf.

 

I reacted badly on the phone, and made her feel bad about it. I tried to tell her that it was her misleading of the information and the shock of hearing about the first two that upset me, but she took it as me calling her a slut.

 

It seems to me you can never take it out of your mind. I think your instincts tell you something was not right about her. Well..!!! Always believe your intincts. I think you are better off without her. You will find someone better.

 

- but she took it as me calling her a slut.

Let it be. May be she is one.....

 

follow your intincts

[Bryanp]

I think the point that you rarely have sex says a great deal about your relationship. You have dating this girl for 4 years and now you rarely have sex? Clearly there is something wrong here. Why do you rarely have sex? What is the point in remaining in this relationship?

[kiss_andmakeup]

I think the real issue here is that you've been together for 4 years and she's only given you a BJ once. That's just weird.

 

On a more serious note, you both could improve your behaviour to help this situation. She could stop being do darn mouthy about her past and rubbing it in your face (I mean, the guy at the movie theater - did she really need to mention that?), and you can either: A. grow up and get over it, or B. break up with her.

[OneSadLady]

It seems like the issue of her past is really getting to you.

 

A relationship without trust is nothing but trouble and it sounds like this obsession is hurting your trust, but there are other things too like the decline in your sex life. I'll tell you something. I had a boyfriend years ago (we dated for like 3 years) and we spent every moment together that we could. We did a lot of things together and the sex was constant and awesome. Then stress came into the picture, our sex life died down and we broke up.

 

To be quite frank you make it sound like she's obsessed with sex, is this true? If it is then it may be an important factor in what she deems as a serious relationship, now it may also be that she's maturing a bit (but with the incident in the theater it didn't really seem that way).

 

It can be hard, but really I think she's bringing out the worst in you in the stress she's causing. So either you can stay with her and try to either get over your feelings or push them down or the relationship will end one way or the other. Either way it seems like there may be "something off" but that's just what I think and you know more than I do.

 

Good luck, remember happiness is defined differently by different people and finding the one person who matches your ideals can take a long time. Don't waste your time on someone that cannot make you happy and don't just wait for change, it doesn't normally happen.

[rhett89]

I don't think I have any advice for you. But I can tell you that I have similar issues. I've been with my wife for 15 years. Early in the relationship, I had experiences like you're having (different scenarios, same emotions). After we married, they died down, but they've emerged periodically.

 

First, you're not alone. There are more guys than you who struggle with this.

 

My advice is to talk to a professional and try to figure out how to cope with this. I suspect that even if you're not with your current GF, you'll have the same issues with whomever you're with down the road.

 

Best wishes.

[Synesthetic]

I don't think I have any advice for you. But I can tell you that I have similar issues. I've been with my wife for 15 years. Early in the relationship, I had experiences like you're having (different scenarios, same emotions). After we married, they died down, but they've emerged periodically.

 

First, you're not alone. There are more guys than you who struggle with this.

 

My advice is to talk to a professional and try to figure out how to cope with this. I suspect that even if you're not with your current GF, you'll have the same issues with whomever you're with down the road.

 

Best wishes.

 

Thanks Rhett, realizing I was not alone did indeed make me feel better.

 

As I mentioned before my gf and I got in a huge argument over this and have since gotten over it. She basically said that she doesn't like swallowing or guys finishing in her mouth. She said that the only two other times it has happened she did not want it to happen, and I was the only time she did it willingly - and did not like it. I still have to picture her doing it with other guys, which sucks, but it will die down as it had in the past. I think I take things too personally out of insecurity. I immediately assume she won't do it for ME, because of something she doesn't like about me, when I really have to understand that sometimes people just don't want to do things. There is that double standard of women not being able to have sex without shame as men can. While I understand this and dislike it, I can't help but want my gf to be innocent, and to only have been with me. This is just unrealistic, especially in this age - as well as just being unfair on my part. I know she is committed to me, obsessed in fact. She wants to spend every minute with me - even after dating 4 years. I should just focus on what is good instead of what is missing or what is bad and out of my control.

 

Thank you all for your words, I have difficulty coping with things, as they seem to affect me more than other people, so any words of people "on my side" really cheer me up

[karnak]

My own 2 cents:

 

Based on what you've written I think you don't have a problem. The problem is rather on your girlfriend or in your relationship.

 

For someone who has hooked up with so many guys she seems too prude now. I've never known a case of a woman who doesn't like to give oral to her man. In LS there were even cases of women who refused to give blowjobs on their husbands, yet they'd have no problem giving oral to their lovers.

 

As far as I know once a woman begins to have issues with intimacy (not wanting sex and such) it's a very bad sign. Have a very open and honest discussion with her and speak from your heart.

 

Because I think you're blaming yourself for something which is not really your fault. If you're both not sexually compatible there will be some serious issues down ahead.

[oldguy]

I think the movie thing could have been handled a little differently.

 

Normally RJ is an insecurity issue but after reading your post I'm not convinced it isn't more of a sexual maturity issue.

 

People have different sexual expectations; some believe sex is the ultimate union of two people predestined to be soul mates from the beginning of time. Some think of it as a means of self gratification. Most everyone falls somewhere between those extremes. but if it's more of a casual feel good thing for one partner and the other partner has more "spiritual" expectations, even if both are monogamous there can be an issue if the expectation gap is too wide.

 

Most likely however; you just feel insecure and the reason may be because of your differences in experience or expectations or you may have some other issues that you brought to the table, (baggage), that you are not aware of yet.

 

The two of you have invested some time into this relationship though so it wouldn't seem to be a fidelity issue. You mentioned you thought she had been promiscuous but even if that where the case at one time it isn't a problem now.

 

I hear a lot about; how many are too many, like there is an actual number that fits every person of every age. I always thought that 3 or more in each of 2 consecutive years was reason, (as a mental health care provider, retired), to raise a caution flag, not a warning flag just a cause to ask the question why.

[road]

My own 2 cents:

 

Based on what you've written I think you don't have a problem. The problem is rather on your girlfriend or in your relationship.

 

For someone who has hooked up with so many guys she seems too prude now. I've never known a case of a woman who doesn't like to give oral to her man. In LS there were even cases of women who refused to give blowjobs on their husbands, yet they'd have no problem giving oral to their lovers.

 

As far as I know once a woman begins to have issues with intimacy (not wanting sex and such) it's a very bad sign. Have a very open and honest discussion with her and speak from your heart.

 

Because I think you're blaming yourself for something which is not really your fault. If you're both not sexually compatible there will be some serious issues down ahead.

 

 

It's not doing it it's not finishing it. Because she tried it in the past a couple of times and didn't like it then. There is nothing wrong with her not wanting to do it now.

 

As to the original poster, all men and women have a past story. Their all different, these stories may bother their new someone special to some extent, normal.

 

However having a past is not the same as having an affair with on you.

 

However there can be some things in a persons past that can be a deal breaker. This has to be an individual choice. Not wanting to finish oral and swallow? I don't think that's so bad.

[misswilson]

hi, i'm new to this too so i'm still figuring out what to do. i read your message and it makes a lot of sense to me since i'm currently in a similar situation. my boyfriend was a virgin before we started dating and i was not. we were friends first and therefore he knew a little about my past experiences. when we started going out he told me that he felt inexperienced in comparison. thing is, i appreciated the honesty. i didn't apologise for the things i'd done but i did try to understand how he was feeling. i think maybe you should talk to your girlfriend and explain whats on your mind. she has to understand, she might even be flattered to know that you care enough to worry about these things. also, you mentioned that your sex life has been a little stale lately but you can easily fix that. talk about what you like, and ask her what she likes. share fantasies or sex tips. it might sound like an awkward conversation but you'd be surprised what you can learn. if she was at one time quite sexually aggressive she might be open to experimenting with new things. hope that helps. good luck!!

[ThisIsStillMe]

I'm sure there have been a ton of threads on topics such as this, but I'm new to this forum (so first of all, hello!) and I'd really love to vent as well as here feedback, as anything would be very helpful.

 

I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 years, and I had no serious relationships before her, which means that I was a virgin and completely innocent. She however, was not. She says that she used to hook up a lot and stuff, and that has always really bothered me - especially in the beginning of the relationship.

 

I realize a big part of it is insecurity, as we rarely have sex now, so I think I may be subconsciously thinking that maybe she's not attracted to me anymore. I had gotten over this awhile ago, but a recent string of events have happened this week and has severely depressed me.

 

Last week at the movies, I come back to our seat from getting popcorn and she says to me "I don't want this to be awkward, but I hooked up with a guy who's sitting 6 seats down, so can we avoid him when we walk out?" I felt like it was 100x more awkward for me. I couldn't even enjoy the movie because all I could think about is what did she do with him, is he better looking than me? Did she much more sexual with him than she is/was with me? When we first started dating/seeing each other, she was very sexually aggressive, at the time it was awesome, but I can't help but wonder if she was like this with the people before me, and if we ever broke up if she would just throw herself at another guy.

 

The second part happened tonight. I hope this isn't too graphic. But she was talking about our mutual friend and how she doesn't understand why my girlfriend doesn't swallow while blowing a guy - as her friend likes doing it. My girlfriend said it makes her feel full. I gave her a look, and she said that she knows she gets full because of the times she's done it to me. The thing is, she's only done it once - many years ago. So the whole time I was thinking about how she was probably confusing me with one of the other guys she used to do it for. Did she like doing it? Did she do it to get them to like her? Now that she "has" me does she feel like she doesn't have to do these adventurous things? We rarely have sex and when we do its so vanilla and repetitive. The thought of that she most likely did "crazy" stuff like this with other guys really makes me feel insignificant.

 

Thanks for reading, and for any advice you might have.

I just broke up with my gf cuz of her past. I used to think that if u love a person, that love bypass her past be it good or bad but on most cases it is unfortunately not good.

 

First her past starts to interfere the happiness. Then it taunts ur mind from time to time till it causes depression. Then when you decides to bring it up and talk, it helps but it never goes away knowing what she did is lies in her life though it's a past but still a part of her life. and if one day she is Urs to keep, it will be part of ur life.

 

I decided to try to accept her past as she accepts mine. Easy for her, she told me but it is hard for I starts to wonder whether what she did on her past with her exes is out of love or lust. But she was young at that time to know what is love. And to engage in acts that is suppose to be the act of love and oath full of emotions.

 

Hence, if it is stealing the meaning of happiness and love in the relationship, then it is wise to move on with ur own life. Find someone who u can accept n love n share what it means more.

[Untouchable_Fire]

We rarely have sex and when we do its so vanilla and repetitive. The thought of that she most likely did "crazy" stuff like this with other guys really makes me feel insignificant.

Thanks for reading, and for any advice you might have.

 

Because you have little to no experience you don't get how bad this is.

 

If you marry this woman your sex life will go down even farther!

 

I'd rather be single than deal with a GF that doesn't want sex with me.

[Distant78]

I've been reading your posts and I gotta say, she's obviously a **** and a liar, and really disrespectful, and for her to rub her past in your face only hurts the relationship more. I honestly think she's cheating on you. That crap about her ex at the movie theatre would put me on edge. She brought that up for a reason and it wasn't because she just randomly saw him. This isn't even a case about you concerned with her past (which you have every right to be), this is about something more than that. Leave her so you can find someone who doesn't treat you this way and doesn't have a disgusting past.

[Negative Nancy]

You guys are just insecure. Get over it. It's her past, it has nothing to do with you...

 

 

 

[jenifer1972]

Something is totally off here.. You rarely have sex but she was with many others and now she's barely interested. I don't know enough about your story but something is very rotten in Denmark here...

[Distant78]

You guys are just insecure. Get over it. It's her past, it has nothing to do with you...

 

 

 

 

Right, so that makes it okay for her to continue disrespecting him and throwing her past in his face.