Sidtheskid Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 In my experience, I adored my MM. I also loved my xH, my children, my family, my work...etc. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I was never "wrong" in that love. Loving him has made me more aware of myself - more aware of what I want. More aware of who I am. I wouldn't change it for anything. I am capable of loving many people, and that is a good thing. I loved him and it's made me a better person.
newpriorities Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 In my experience, I adored my MM. I also loved my xH, my children, my family, my work...etc. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I was never "wrong" in that love. Loving him has made me more aware of myself - more aware of what I want. More aware of who I am. I wouldn't change it for anything. I am capable of loving many people, and that is a good thing. I loved him and it's made me a better person. I loved him too. And my H, my children etc. There are so many different types of love, aren't there? I too think it is a good thing to be capable of loving many people. But, I think the issue is what is the definition of love? My loving my MM brought so much pain, insecurity, questioning, doubting, and hurt. Is that love? IMO, love should inspire us to be the very best that we can be....to challenge us to reach our potential and should NOT be hurtful, degrading, humiliating, and questioning...and that is when I realized that what I shared w my MM...wasn't truly love
steelknife Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I loved him too. And my H, my children etc. There are so many different types of love, aren't there? I too think it is a good thing to be capable of loving many people. But, I think the issue is what is the definition of love? My loving my MM brought so much pain, insecurity, questioning, doubting, and hurt. Is that love? IMO, love should inspire us to be the very best that we can be....to challenge us to reach our potential and should NOT bequest hurtful, degrading, humiliating, and questioning...and that is when I realized that what I shared w my MM...wasn't truly love i love him. definitely. more than anyone. but at this point, i can not put a definition on what kind of a love it was. it was love love. i compeltely agree with the bolded part. when i was in the affair, i never doubted my capacity to love him. i knew it was bad for me but i kept going not minding the pain.. i thought it was the best. but looking back, well.. it ws too painful. giving oneself totally to another and it wasnt reciprocated in the way it should be. of course i did love him. very much. despite the bolded parts above and how much he hurt me. i loved him. but it is something i will not do to myself again.
newpriorities Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 i love him. definitely. more than anyone. but at this point, i can not put a definition on what kind of a love it was. it was love love. i compeltely agree with the bolded part. when i was in the affair, i never doubted my capacity to love him. i knew it was bad for me but i kept going not minding the pain.. i thought it was the best. but looking back, well.. it ws too painful. giving oneself totally to another and it wasnt reciprocated in the way it should be. of course i did love him. very much. despite the bolded parts above and how much he hurt me. i loved him . but it is something i will not do to myself again. Yes, you definitely loved him. And I really feel like I loved my MM, but if it's not reciprocated, then how can we really build this into a loving relationship? We can't. As much as we try and want it, this just doesn't work, does it. Again, love should bring out the best in us, not make us feel so awful..... You have come so far SteelKnife!
endlessness Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I thought I did. But now I think that I somehow bought into this delusion of love that he was trying to sell me. I search my mind for one fond memory of that person, one noble quality that I adore, and find nothing. But, if it wasn't love, why won't this sadness burning deep inside of me just go away? Yes, I did love. Only I loved the man I thought he was. And for the last six months I've been mourning the death of that man.
steelknife Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Yes, you definitely loved him. And I really feel like I loved my MM, but if it's not reciprocated, then how can we really build this into a loving relationship? We can't. As much as we try and want it, this just doesn't work, does it. Again, love should bring out the best in us, not make us feel so awful..... You have come so far SteelKnife! i want to go as far away as i can from this part of my life. i have not healed i know. its too early and too soon. there is this deep anger, vengeful feeling deep inside my heart. but one thing i am realizing though is how much loving him has hurt me. and from that, only people i truly love, can truly hurt me. because i allow them. it is a lost case, it cant be build into a loving relationship. we thnk we can, we desperately want to make it work. but amidst all this, would i be a thread jacker if i include a question of my own (my apologies sidtheskid). did he love me?
steelknife Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 please disregard my question in the last paragraph. my apologies to the OP. not meant to thread jack. thank you
MorningCoffee Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Yes, I did love her. And in a less crazy way, I still do and feel that I always will. Yet, the circumstances did not permit that love to really be tested, and so it was in a way not fully real, but a sort of potential or incipient love. Could it have grown to a deep and abiding love? I do not think so. Not because we did not love each other, but because of other aspects of each of us that would have made it impossible to work long-term. Even knowing that, and even having had all the pain, I love(d) her and I am glad she was in my life for the time she was, and I would not have missed the experience of loving her, and having her love me, for the WORLD.
siuys Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Feel very much the same way as you, morningcoffee. I love/loved my xMM. It hurt because he is married. That's it. It was always going to be hurtful and toxic in that kind of a relationship. But I did and still love him. I think if we had the opportunity to continue in a 'normal' way, we would make a very good couple. And like you, I am glad he was in my life for the time he was. I have accepted the fact that we met under less than ideal circumstances, and I guess that kind of determined how the experience was going to be. I have chosen to love him and let him go, than to stay and it would have eventually killed all the good bits.
pureinheart Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 LOL, this is a cool thread:). I not only loved him, I adored him, and also was extremely loyal. We didn't work and that's ok because of who I know I am:) It's all good....
cuddlekeeper Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I love him...he cares for me greatly. He has taught me to love myself and my body. The last four years have been a heck of a ride but, the things I have done in my life and experiences that I never would have tried without meeting him, make me thankful for the time we have spent together so far.
East7 Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I passionately loved my MW and I still do in a quiet, distant way. I am sure of her love too, I have never seen another woman shedding so many tears (in front of me) for love. We said to each other how our life would have been different if we met before, so for me, our love was the right love in the wrong moment. Not ALL the affairs are, but some are the right love in the wrong moment - sometimes both AP and WS do really love each-other, even if the WS suppress her/his feelings for the sake of family, kids, security etc. A lot of WS (especially women) really suffer the loss of their AP after the Dday. I have read here on LS from BS, how their wifes would feel miserable and empty after breaking-up with their AP and the H feeling awkward to deal with the situation. Just because it is an Affair it doesn't mean that there is no real love. It is easy to love when the 2 persons are single people, it is a bigger challenge to love someone married, or to love while being married. Describing what real love is would be an endless discussion, the reality is that when it ends both the WS and AP suffer. I don't believe in loving 2 people in same time. What WS often claim as love for their spouse it is just an image of what is left as common experience of past years and affection. Even those who return to fix their marriages, often dont give the full heart in it, often they do it because it is "the right thing to do" or because they feel comfortable with the status quo. (Official statistics say that 80% of those who go back and try to fix their marriages don't feel happy with it)
jennie-jennie Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 My MM and I met when we were 15 and both single. We fell passionately in love. Then circumstances split us apart. I grieved the loss of him for an entire year. Almost thirty years later I was going through the stuff in my attic and found a road diary I wrote to him when we were parted. It was still too painful for me to read. How amazing it was to reconnect with him a couple of years later still. To realize that not only had we kept the love for each other in our hearts, but we were more compatible as adults than we understood as kids. Our lives had taken us down different paths but brought us together once again.
always_waitings Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if me and mm had never met.. It would have been simpler, yes.. Easier, yes... But then I realized that it also would be incomplete, because I love him....
spice4life Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) I did...I loved him. It's weird, but since the holidays are here, I'm feeling a little sad for other reasons and the memories of the past holidays are plaguing my mind right now. The sadness I felt not being able to hang out with him, the hurt over some of the problems we had...everything. I'm just not feeling generous about having ever loved him right now. Does that sound crazy? I get why everyone else feels the way they do and I feel the same way too...its just hard to feel it right now. Does that make sense? Sorry, not trying to bring anyone down and most of the time I feel the way the rest of you do. Just not right now. I wasn't feeling this way a couple of weeks ago, so why now? It feels sad to feel this way. Edited November 28, 2010 by spice4life
Author Sidtheskid Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 I loved him too. And my H, my children etc. There are so many different types of love, aren't there? I too think it is a good thing to be capable of loving many people. But, I think the issue is what is the definition of love? My loving my MM brought so much pain, insecurity, questioning, doubting, and hurt. Is that love? IMO, love should inspire us to be the very best that we can be....to challenge us to reach our potential and should NOT be hurtful, degrading, humiliating, and questioning...and that is when I realized that what I shared w my MM...wasn't truly love I agree that love should inspire and challenge us - absolutely! When I reflect back, I was inspired and challenged. Was there anxiety/pain...yes of course, but that is part and parcel of loving anyone, yes? Thank you for sharing.
Author Sidtheskid Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 I thought I did. But now I think that I somehow bought into this delusion of love that he was trying to sell me. I search my mind for one fond memory of that person, one noble quality that I adore, and find nothing. But, if it wasn't love, why won't this sadness burning deep inside of me just go away? Yes, I did love. Only I loved the man I thought he was. And for the last six months I've been mourning the death of that man. Endlessness: I am sorry for your pain. If you loved him though (and I think you did), it is a testament to your heart's ability to love. There really is solace in that.
Author Sidtheskid Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 i want to go as far away as i can from this part of my life. i have not healed i know. its too early and too soon. there is this deep anger, vengeful feeling deep inside my heart. but one thing i am realizing though is how much loving him has hurt me. and from that, only people i truly love, can truly hurt me. because i allow them. it is a lost case, it cant be build into a loving relationship. we thnk we can, we desperately want to make it work. but amidst all this, would i be a thread jacker if i include a question of my own (my apologies sidtheskid). did he love me? Steelknife: No apologies necessary. What I've learned is that we (general we), assume to have so much control over our lives, when in reality, we really don't. We love and we get hurt, it doesn't mean that the hurt cancels out the love - yk what I mean? If you search your heart, you will likely conclude that yes, he did love you and probably still does.
Author Sidtheskid Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Yes, I did love her. And in a less crazy way, I still do and feel that I always will. Yet, the circumstances did not permit that love to really be tested, and so it was in a way not fully real, but a sort of potential or incipient love. Could it have grown to a deep and abiding love? I do not think so. Not because we did not love each other, but because of other aspects of each of us that would have made it impossible to work long-term. Even knowing that, and even having had all the pain, I love(d) her and I am glad she was in my life for the time she was, and I would not have missed the experience of loving her, and having her love me, for the WORLD. Thank you. This is exactly how I have been feeling and couldn't express it more eloquently.
Author Sidtheskid Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Want to respond to everyone because you have all been so thoughtful and honest. Thank you. Will be back to serial post in my thread!
2themoon&back Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Yes I love him, today and yesterday and if I am lucky to have a tomorrow I will love him then as well.
East7 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I think we are giving a lot of credit to the MAPs but I have read another thread "Selfless love is an illusion". True that their feelings can be qualified as love, but while most of the single APs would give the world to be with the MAP, I think their love is a selfish one. Their love stops at the point of making a choice. Their love stays in the state of "feeling and emotions", not actions and ties. There are conflicting needs in an A. While the single AP is longing for a decent relationship, or even marriage, the MAP is looking for anything else but to settle with the AP. My xMW told me once "I have all what you desire, I have a marriage, a kid, I am not looking for the same things with someone else, I want to feel free and enjoy love without strings" - I didn't pay attention at that moment but now I realize how this single sentence expresses all the dynamics of an A. In my book, love means wanting to be with someone and share more than just dating but I realized that from MAP perspective love is detached from the need of a future and commitment.
Author Sidtheskid Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 I think we are giving a lot of credit to the MAPs but I have read another thread "Selfless love is an illusion". True that their feelings can be qualified as love, but while most of the single APs would give the world to be with the MAP, I think their love is a selfish one. Their love stops at the point of making a choice. Their love stays in the state of "feeling and emotions", not actions and ties. There are conflicting needs in an A. While the single AP is longing for a decent relationship, or even marriage, the MAP is looking for anything else but to settle with the AP. My xMW told me once "I have all what you desire, I have a marriage, a kid, I am not looking for the same things with someone else, I want to feel free and enjoy love without strings" - I didn't pay attention at that moment but now I realize how this single sentence expresses all the dynamics of an A. In my book, love means wanting to be with someone and share more than just dating but I realized that from MAP perspective love is detached from the need of a future and commitment. I haven't read the thread you refer to, but I will do a search for it as it sounds compelling. While I agree that there may be conflicting needs in any A, I don't agree that all single A partners necessarily long for a commitment (as in marriage). I believe that there are a myriad of ways to love someone, and the important thing to consider is the dynamic between the A partners. What I mean is, is there honest communication between the two involved in the R? Of course- lying, manipulation and an inability to communicate ones needs cannot constitute a basis for a loving relationship, affair or not. I certainly don't support one or both AP's remaining in a R in which they are compelled to lie and/or feel badly about their involvement. I do believe that it is possible for two people to love one another in the moment, and (want to) remain in each's others lives in a capacity that doesn't always include a desire for commitment in the conventional sense.
Heather1 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Hard for me to love someone who told me love was a boundary he would never cross. My "love" stopped the day he said that to me, unfortunately that's not the day I walked away. I have no regrets... I shouldn't be answering this, I'm in a bad mood about the whole thing right now. flog,flog, flog
FightClub Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 There's no doubt in my heart/mind/soul that I grew to love the MW I was connecting with and I'll always love her. No matter what happens in the future...I can hope for the best and keep on walking, who knows what may be around the corner for either of us. I can only keep the faith that loving someone the way we connected was worth it, however it ends. -FC
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