b_rouse Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I'll start with the whole story (I know this is long but I have to do this for me): I met him in 2008 through my best friend. I thought he was cute, and that was it. In 2009, I hung out at another friend's house where Brad (that's his name) stopped by. That was the moment I fell for him. We all hung out, Brad and I didn't really talk to each other, but we kept playing the eye contact game (where we'd look away, then look back at each other and look away again). I told my best friend that I really liked Brad, so she made a movie date with her, Brad, myself and a couple other friends. After seeing the movie, we began messaging through facebook, until I sent him a message saying texting/calling would be easier. From that point on, we text and called each other nonstop. I go to college about 30 minutes away from home (Brad and I both went to the same high school so we are about 5 minutes away when I'm at home). He would come up to see the football games (I go to U of M Ann Arbor) and while he was supposed to be tailgating with his friends, he'd walk over to my dorm and bring me food and we'd hang out before the game. Texting and calling turned into skyping (video chatting). On October 13th, 2009, he called me, saying he'll be a little late skyping tonight, he said to wait another 15 minutes. So I waited, then he called back again, saying, another 10 minutes. So I waited another 10. He called back one more time to saying, "I can't get on the computer to skype tonight *long pause* But you can let me in." Then he hung up. I go down to the front of the building and he's there with a white rose in his hand, gets down on one knee and asks me to be his girlfriend. He says he's liked me since 2007 when we played softball together, and he was always nervous to tell me the truth until now. In November 2009, I went to his Turkey Bowl football game that was put on by my friend’s church. My best friend wakes me up through a call around 10am and says she'll be at my house in 5 minutes. I just throw on clothes, throw my hair up and put on my glasses. I felt so insecure being at his game because I didn’t have my contacts in nor did I have make-up on, but that didn't stop him. In front of his friends he held my hand, hugged me, kissed me, he made me feel good, even though I thought I looked horrible. In December, on Christmas, he gave me a promise ring. He was such an amazing guy. He'd open car/building doors for me, whenever we'd walk, he'd always hold my hand, when we'd walk around Ann Arbor at night, there'd be girls walking around in pretty revealing clothes, and he'd never look at them. He always put other people's needs before his own. He was nothing like any other guy I've dated. February, I go to Panama City Beach (PCB) with my church for an alternate spring break. I have fun, and of course I still kept in contact with him. But he says when I came back, I changed; like I wasn't acting close to him anymore, I wasn’t being myself. Over the summer I had 2 jobs (I was working every day), I'd see him as much as I could, but it'd only be an hour or so a day. He got the idea that I was putting other priorities above him (like work and school). I'll admit it, I am a work-a-holic and it never was my intention to make him feel as if he were not my number one priority, because he was. It's hard because I'm a people pleaser, I can't say no and I always try to do everything (taking on so much and bending over backward for people). In August, he helps me move into my apartment, that's when he meets my dad (my dad lives in Ohio, so I rarely see him). They like each other (talking about cars, fishing, hunting, the usual guy stuff), nothing goes wrong. I was just really happy seeing them talk to each other because I was nervous with them meeting each other. Then comes October. In the beginning of October, he was talking it over with his sisters about breaking up with me because of the distance and how he feels insignificant in my life because I can't make time for him because of my schooling and job. Then I came home for the annual cider mill his family always goes to. That was when he didn't want to break up with me because he was having such a good time and all his feelings came back. Then when I headed back to Ann Arbor, he said he was sad again because I was leaving. He said, "Is this how it's always going to be?" Then our one year comes up, he wanted to surprise visit me, but I was busy with my math group meeting. Then we tried to skype but once again I was busy doing my webwork. Then I get the text message saying we need to talk. I came home on the 17th of October and I hung out with him. I knew what was coming, and I was thinking the same thing. I let him speak first and he says that the distance was too much for him. He says that he always felt second in my life, and ever since I came back from PCB I was different. I started crying, and he was there to console me. He says he wants to be friends still because he loves hanging out with me and he loves my personality. I stayed at his house after the break up and we hung out. He still acted as if we were a couple, he tried to kiss me 3 times, but both times he played it off as if he didn't. When I left, he felt really bad, and wanted me back. But he waited for me to call him saying we made a mistake. And of course, I didn't call him because the first couple days I thought I was fine (pretty much shell-shock). And then it finally sunk in that we weren’t together. I called him about a week later, saying how I wanted him back and he says that he's moved on to another girl, a girl he works with. And he was saying how she's there when he needs her. He says we have a lot in common and he's happy with her. And now he doesn't have any more feelings for me. But he says who knows what the future holds, if it’s meant to be between us, then it will happen. Then on November 5th, he makes it official with her. I had to block him and her on facebook because I didn't want to see them talking to each other. I just don’t understand how a little over 2 weeks after the break up with me, he's moved onto another girl. We were together for a year and he said he could see himself marrying me, yet in 2 weeks, he's over me. I blame my analytical mind for trying to comprehend and find connections to his actions. I've exhausted myself thinking about it. I kick myself for the actions I've done in the past, and how I wish I could go back and change it all. And I'm hanging onto false hope that he'll realize that he hasn't stopped loving me and she's just a rebound. But before I blocked Brad and her on facebook, Brad and her were talking before Brad and I broke up. I know for a fact he’s not the cheating type but part of me feels as if the reason for the break up wasn’t the distance, but her. But then my head goes back to how he wanted to get back together with me after we broke up. Right now, it's been a little over a month since the break up; I have neutral feelings toward him. I still have his hoodie that I'm giving him over Christmas break (in about 20 days), and I'm afraid I'll fall for him all over again. But at the same time, I want to see him, to see if I can be near him and not have feelings for him. I wanted to ask him to go out to lunch just to put an end to this chapter. To have answers to questions I have, but I my friends are saying it's a bad idea. But it's something I need to answer these nagging questions. I still think about him, a lot, but it’s a lot less than before. I finally got to a place where I could unblock him and add him back on facebook, but now he’s not adding me back (not like it’s a big deal or anything, I just think it’s weird). And also, I’m living at home next year and he says he wishes he knew this earlier on. I really do feel neutral towards him though because I can look at pictures of him and her on facebook and not feel anything. But what stinks is that, if he does come back to me, I know I’ll say yes. So I don’t know if I’m compartmentalizing or what.
Leandro Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Hello b_rouse and welcome to LS! I'm sorry to hear what you are going threw. Remember that you are not the only one going threw this and that we are here to listen and help as much as we can. It sounds like he met this new girl while he was working and became emotionally attached to her before dumping you. It sucks, I know . I think he wants to be the main focus of a relationship. How far away were yall from each other?
Author b_rouse Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 It was only 30 minutes, so it wasn't that bad. And it doesn't help that I'll be living at home next year, which the "distance" was the "#1 reason" for the break up. I mean, I'm only 19, and he was my first love. I am using the relationship as a template, and I'm replaying all the things I've done wrong, and I have changed. I quit my job so I could focus more time on school and having fun. I just wish he could see the new me, which I guess could be the ultimite reason I want to see him over Christmas. This hoodie is the last token I have of him, and if I give that up, I probably won't see him again for a long time. So I'm trying to make that moment perfect. I mean, I want to be friends with him still, because he's such a great guy, but I think becoming friends is a bad idea.
Leandro Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I know what you mean. I'm 20 and lost my first love in August. She left for another guy, who was younger too lol. she lived like 30 mins away from me too, but we went to different campuses and she was busy and so was I. She was talking to another guy and got attached to him. It happens. Just focus on school right now. We're both young and will fine someone better,
Tressugar Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) It's a possibility that he'll come back when things doesn't work with his current girlfriend. Since he has had feelings for you since 2007. You are right to presume that feelings/emotions don't go away over night, but incorrect that men can't move on quickly to another woman. Men can't and don't love the same way as women do. A man could have a ten year relationship with a woman and end that relationship to move on to be married to the next woman in the following week or a month. The way a man moves on is by getting into a relationship very quickly with a new woman. My advice to you is to continue to move forward with your life. Oh and BTW 30 minutes isn't that far away. When I went to CSU I lived thirty minutes away, but came home every night to be with my family. Do you have your own transportation? Edited November 28, 2010 by Tressugar
Leandro Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Men can't and don't love the same way as women do. A man could have a ten year relationship with a woman and end that relationship to move on to be married to the next woman in the following week or a month. The way a man moves on is by getting into a relationship very quickly with a new woman. I believe it goes both ways.
Author b_rouse Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Do you have your own transportation? I do have a car, but I didn't bring it to school. In Ann Arbor, it's best to not have a car, there are barely any parking spaces.
Leandro Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I do have a car, but I didn't bring it to school. In Ann Arbor, it's best to not have a car, there are barely any parking spaces. 30 minutes is very far. Why couldn't he drive up to see you?
Author b_rouse Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 30 minutes is very far. Why couldn't he drive up to see you? Oh he did when he could. But a majority of the time I was busy with work or school (I go to a nationally ranked college, so I have to devote a lot time to my schooling). I mean, I understood where he was coming from, how he felt second in my life. But I didn't think he'd give up on me.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Oh he did when he could. But a majority of the time I was busy with work or school (I go to a nationally ranked college, so I have to devote a lot time to my schooling). I mean, I understood where he was coming from, how he felt second in my life. But I didn't think he'd give up on me. This. LDR, is taxing and requires a fair amount of patience and understanding. I'm guessing your boyfriend clearly had communication problems. He was quick to lay the blame on you but you had other priorities to take care of. An understanding person would learn to take it in strides. He's frustrated about the lack of time with you, hence the breakup. The new girl was just a bonus because she's closer to him. What I want to ask is, do you want to be back with him? I would be extremely hurt to give an ex another chance especially if he moved on so quickly. If anything, return his hoodie and go straight to NC. It doesn't matter at this point if he wants you back. If he's still with the other girl you don't want to have any interactions with him for fear he might use you to cheat on her.
Author b_rouse Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 What I want to ask is, do you want to be back with him? This is the question I ask myself a lot. Do I want him back? I'm having conflicting views. My heart is saying yes, but my head is saying no. My heart wants him back because I still love him. My head is being logical, saying even if you guys get back together, he still works with her so he'll still be seeing her...yada yada yada. So right now, I don't know the answer to that.
Leandro Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 This is the question I ask myself a lot. Do I want him back? I'm having conflicting views. My heart is saying yes, but my head is saying no. My heart wants him back because I still love him. My head is being logical, saying even if you guys get back together, he still works with her so he'll still be seeing her...yada yada yada. So right now, I don't know the answer to that. yea, our bodies do that. Plus, it will just happen again later down the road. If you cant give the attention he wants, he'll just get it from her at work. I really think you're better off and now you can focus on school and not the drama he was causing you.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 This is the question I ask myself a lot. Do I want him back? I'm having conflicting views. My heart is saying yes, but my head is saying no. My heart wants him back because I still love him. My head is being logical, saying even if you guys get back together, he still works with her so he'll still be seeing her...yada yada yada. So right now, I don't know the answer to that. That is why the sooner you go NC, the better. Give yourself time to work out your feelings without making rash decisions and come to terms with the breakup. Because the memory is still fresh for you, you're more likely to succumb to a reconciliation should he decide to knock on your door. But this isn't about him, it's about you. Instead of letting your emotons dictate you, find time to let logic and reason sink in. Ask yourself was he being fair in the break up? As for the hoodie, can you find a mutual friend who help you return it to him? You want to avoid seeing him to avoid having a heart-to-heart. Or you could wait until some time has passed before you actually see him. Right now, your priority is, NC and thinking about nothing else except seeing your family and enjoying the holidays.
Author b_rouse Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 yea, our bodies do that. Plus, it will just happen again later down the road. If you cant give the attention he wants, he'll just get it from her at work. I really think you're better off and now you can focus on school and not the drama he was causing you. That right there really put it in perspective for me. That is why the sooner you go NC, the better. Give yourself time to work out your feelings without making rash decisions and come to terms with the breakup. Because the memory is still fresh for you, you're more likely to succumb to a reconciliation should he decide to knock on your door. But this isn't about him, it's about you. Instead of letting your emotons dictate you, find time to let logic and reason sink in. Ask yourself was he being fair in the break up? As for the hoodie, can you find a mutual friend who help you return it to him? You want to avoid seeing him to avoid having a heart-to-heart. Or you could wait until some time has passed before you actually see him. Right now, your priority is, NC and thinking about nothing else except seeing your family and enjoying the holidays. I really want to return the hoodie in person. I need to do that for me, not for him. When I see him in person, I want to see how my feelings are for him because currently, I'm living off the memory of him.
brokenwingsforever Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 honestly, if hes going to jump into a relationship THAT quick after ending it with you, SCREW him. A few months down the road youll realize that theres so much better!
WTRanger Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 (edited) As with most break ups, he had probably moved on mentally months before he actually ended it with you. Which is why he seems as if he's moving along at a faster pace, when the reality is he's not. Also, given the fact that you tended to make yourself the priority in the relationship, ie the spider story from another thread, he may be reluctant to go back to that. The more you tell him to get back because of your feelings, you are just reinforcing his mindset that the entire relationship was all about you. You've got some pondering to do, some self-forgiveness to find, and some soul searching to better yourself. Focus on you for a while. You've got to learn to balance your love life with school/work. You can't get so wrapped up in you own life that you completely forget about the people you are supposed to care about. It hurts to be on that end, it cuts to the core. The best thing for you is to stay away from any form of contact from him for a while. I'd really hesitate with seeing him over the Holidays as he may be with this new girl. Let a friend deliver the hoodie. Don't do it just for you, remember selfish? 3 months full NC and then re-evaluate yourself. Anytime you want to reach out, just tell yourself that the more you try to make it right the more you'll make it worse. Edited November 29, 2010 by WTRanger
Author b_rouse Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 As with most break ups, he had probably moved on mentally months before he actually ended it with you. Which is why he seems as if he's moving along at a faster pace, when the reality is he's not. Also, given the fact that you tended to make yourself the priority in the relationship, ie the spider story from another thread, he may be reluctant to go back to that. The more you tell him to get back because of your feelings, you are just reinforcing his mindset that the entire relationship was all about you. You've got some pondering to do, some self-forgiveness to find, and some soul searching to better yourself. Focus on you for a while. You've got to learn to balance your love life with school/work. You can't get so wrapped up in you own life that you completely forget about the people you are supposed to care about. It hurts to be on that end, it cuts to the core. The best thing for you is to stay away from any form of contact from him for a while. I'd really hesitate with seeing him over the Holidays as he may be with this new girl. Let a friend deliver the hoodie. Don't do it just for you, remember selfish? 3 months full NC and then re-evaluate yourself. Anytime you want to reach out, just tell yourself that the more you try to make it right the more you'll make it worse. That is so much easier said than done. I feel as if I want to move forward but something is holding me back. It sucks because I still remain hopeful for the future with him. My head says "No, forget him, he gave up on you, you don't date quiters, move on!" and my heart says, "You love him, don't move on, you guys will get back together in the future. Give it time and give him space. He'll realize you guys are meant for each other!" I want to listen to my head, but my heart doesn't want to give up on him.
Leandro Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 That is so much easier said than done. I feel as if I want to move forward but something is holding me back. It sucks because I still remain hopeful for the future with him. My head says "No, forget him, he gave up on you, you don't date quiters, move on!" and my heart says, "You love him, don't move on, you guys will get back together in the future. Give it time and give him space. He'll realize you guys are meant for each other!" I want to listen to my head, but my heart doesn't want to give up on him. Listen to your head, your heart will change over time. I agree with WTRanger. Remember that he gave up on you.
WTRanger Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 The thing is you have to stop thinking of it as giving up on him. The reality is that you are (or should be) accepting the fact that you two are no longer together, at least at this point. No one has a crystal ball, no one knows what the future holds. We can only live in the present. You have time on your side, and time is what you need. You have to remember that the more you try to fix this, the more you are going to destroy it. It seems counter productive, but it's true. The more you push, the more he loses complete and total respect for you. The more you become "that girl" to him. Please, don't become "that girl" and focus on yourself and your schooling.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 The thing is you have to stop thinking of it as giving up on him. The reality is that you are (or should be) accepting the fact that you two are no longer together, at least at this point. No one has a crystal ball, no one knows what the future holds. We can only live in the present. You have time on your side, and time is what you need. You have to remember that the more you try to fix this, the more you are going to destroy it. It seems counter productive, but it's true. The more you push, the more he loses complete and total respect for you. The more you become "that girl" to him. Please, don't become "that girl" and focus on yourself and your schooling. My point exactly. NC, will give you the time and peace you need to figure out what it is you want to do. I think the only reason you want to give him the hoodie is because " it" still links you to him. You're trying to find a reason to see him again, when it really isn't necessary.
lapse Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Yah, I'd say keep the hoodie unless he asks for it back. Put it away until you can see it for what it is. It's a 'trophy' or a simple piece of memorabilia... however you want to think of it. Personally, I have trophies. LMAO I agree with everyone who has said go NC. Question for you: other than wanting you back, is there anything he can say or do that will make you feel better? Really... is there? You may really feel that you need this "one last time" to stand beside him... and feel nothing. But that's not even likely to happen and it's not necessary for you to move on. If you are past it, you'll be past it whether you stand beside him and feel that way or you have coffee on another continent and feel that way. How you feel has nothing to do with him at this point. It has only to do with you. And that, I have found, is a peaceful thought. Don't "one last time" yourself if you can help it. We've all done it. Well, maybe not the Dalai Lama, but you know... for me, there were no moments more loaded with unrealistic and unreachable meaning than those "one last times". By definition, the reverse is what will really help you stay emotionally underloaded.
Recommended Posts