fooled once Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 With the holidays right around the corner, I wanted to start a thread for support and good thoughts for those who find themselves alone and sad during the holidays. When I was involved in my situation, the first year we were together, he was separated and living on his own (I know this for a fact because I went to his apartment numerous times, stayed there several times and helped him decorate it). We spent Christmas together, at my parents house. My parents knew of his situation and while they were wary of our relationship (especially since he was much older than me), they respected my decision and opened their home to him. The second (and last) Christmas we were 'together', he was back living at home with his wife and he mysteriously went out of town a week before Christmas through New Years (I later learned the truth of the where he was, which is part of what led to me ending the relationship ... just another lie on top of other lies). Anyway, I knew how hard that Christmas was for me. I knew I had no one to talk to about it (I hadn't told my parents of him moving back home to his wife - I was too humiliated and embarrassed). I was extremely lucky that I had neighbors who were great friends of mine who knew the situation and invited my son and I to be with them several nights for dinner. I love Christmas. To me, it is beautiful, magical and a very spiritual time for me. I remember being so down, so sad, so alone that year. I am sorry for those that will be going through that this year. Like me, we each have to make our own way, our own decisions and decide our own future. I hope that the new year will bring happiness and joy. I hope decisions can be made, even if it is to end the relationship. Nothing worse, IMHO, than being stagnant and standing in the same place all the time. If you are happy with your current arrangement - great. If you are not happy with your current arrangement, then I hope you can find the strength and the will power to get what you need. I hope you can make the necessary decisions to make sure you get the happiness you deserve. I also hope that we can all come together to support each of you and remember what this forum is all about - focusing on posts and not arguing amongst ourselves. I will do my part in keeping posts on topic, staying focused on the OP and not the other stuff. Support comes in all different forms and just because people disagree, that doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong. Just different views. Each person needs to remember to take what they need and leave the rest. Each situation involves different individuals and different circumstances, although many times many have common factors. I hope each of you can remember that you deserve happiness, you deserve respect and you deserve to be able to share your love freely and openly without restrictions. While I wouldn't call myself "pro-marriage" (although I love being married!), I am against hurting others who have done nothing to you. I realize many OW don't consider what they are doing as hurting the wife, since you aren't married to her. I am against helping to gaslight a woman, I am against using children against one another and I am against cheating. That doesn't mean I don't have compassion nor understanding. We all have a lot to offer to each other; we just need to be open to listening and hearing. For those of you hurting, I am very sorry for the hurt you are feeling. For those of you wanting answers, only you can determine what is best for you. Good luck to each of you.
SunsetRed Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 This post has meant so much to me. I'm going to keep coming back to read it. You are right, to stay stuck or stagnant is a waste of one's life. I am fighting so hard to break out of my "stuckness". I thought that meeting new men would help, so I joined a dating site, but the other men have made me miss him more. My first online date prior to this break up, caused me to lay in bed under the covers for 24 hours, I was so depressed. Now I'm trying not to focus on any man. I just updated my holiday thread as well where I spoke of focusing on gratitude. Each time I am tempted to think of him, I refocus and say outloud 10 things in my life I am grateful for. I'm rereading the Secret and focusing on Life Abundance type concepts has helped me not contact him, at least for this weekend.
JustWannaStop Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) I am dreading the holidays. I didn't even want to go to my parents for Thanksgiving. I just wanted to sit home and drink but I went anyway. I guess it beat being home alone. I hope to be out of this affair and well on my way to recovering by the time Christmas roles around. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed Christmas. It's been awhile. I will definitely be on the board a lot this season, reading and posting. I'm really happy I finally joined and started connecting with people who are or have been in my situtation. I feel hope for the first time in a very long time. Thank you! Edited November 28, 2010 by JustWannaStop remove quote
newpriorities Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) I love Christmas. To me, it is beautiful, magical and a very spiritual time for me. I remember being so down, so sad, so alone that year. I am sorry for those that will be going through that this year. Like me, we each have to make our own way, our own decisions and decide our own future. I hope that the new year will bring happiness and joy. I hope decisions can be made, even if it is to end the relationship. Nothing worse, IMHO, than being stagnant and standing in the same place all the time. If you are happy with your current arrangement - great. If you are not happy with your current arrangement, then I hope you can find the strength and the will power to get what you need. I hope you can make the necessary decisions to make sure you get the happiness you deserve. I also hope that we can all come together to support each of you and remember what this forum is all about - focusing on posts and not arguing amongst ourselves. I will do my part in keeping posts on topic, staying focused on the OP and not the other stuff. Support comes in all different forms and just because people disagree, that doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong. Just different views. Each person needs to remember to take what they need and leave the rest. Each situation involves different individuals and different circumstances, although many times many have common factors. I hope each of you can remember that you deserve happiness, you deserve respect and you deserve to be able to share your love freely and openly without restrictions. While I wouldn't call myself "pro-marriage" (although I love being married!), I am against hurting others who have done nothing to you. I realize many OW don't consider what they are doing as hurting the wife, since you aren't married to her. I am against helping to gaslight a woman, I am against using children against one another and I am against cheating. That doesn't mean I don't have compassion nor understanding. We all have a lot to offer to each other; we just need to be open to listening and hearing. For those of you hurting, I am very sorry for the hurt you are feeling. For those of you wanting answers, only you can determine what is best for you. Good luck to each of you. Christmas is such a beautiful season and I agree with you, it can be so magical. I am a bit different than some of the OW here in that I have four kids and am separated, not a single woman, so I don't feel alone. What I do feel is unhappy with how my whole A occurred and the way I let him treat me, but I am so thankful for what I have learned and for the cleansing these past few weeks of ending it have provided for me. Like so many on LS, I thought we were truly unique and now I realize, this is quite a common situation. So, while so very painful, I have gained my strength and power back, and I thank you FooledOnce because you were a huge part of that.Blessings to all Edited November 28, 2010 by newpriorities typo!
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 This is a really sweet and heartfelt post FO! it is hard and the holidays can be so lonely while the married person is at home with their family and the affair partner sits home alone waiting for contact. I hope that anybody who is involved with a MM or MW don't sit home alone. Be with your family, good friends and those who are in your daily life. Don't let MM or MW ruin YOUR holidays!
MorningCoffee Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 thank you for this post. i hope it helps many of the ow. it is hard and the holidays can be so lonely while the married person is at home with their family and the affair partner sits home alone waiting for contact. i hope the affair partners who are ready to get out can find comfort in coming here and sharing their story with others who are going through the same thing. thank you for putting this post here. Ex-SOM here. I am not thrilled with the holidays, either. It occurred to me this past week how many years it has been since I had a "normal" Thanksgiving - Christmas season. But I know I will still be having a better time (with my daughter and her extended family of in-laws) than my ex-AP/MW will have in her world, and I am a little sad for her for that -- although I realize and acknowledge that staying there was entirely her own choice. Wish her, and everyone else, well and all the good things of the season.
BB07 Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 What a awesome post FO........truly beautiful! :D
steelknife Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 i am dreading it. i used to love the holidays. even if he couldnt be with me physically on the days itself, he calls me and i was happy with that given our situation. we celebrate on other days. we made do. i made do. i did get hurt though, the-outside-looking-in-syndrome. kknowing he is with his family having fun. and i am by myself. i will surely can not avoid missing him. but it was something i chose to live with. looking back, i wouldnt want to be in that situation. when he seemed to be there, but actually, he was not. ive been really trying to put up a brave face since dday. lately, i realized, i dont miss him with out thinking of the pain he brought to me and the lies he told me. i know i am in touch with my feelings..but im scared my indifference will finally give way during the holidays..when i start looking at myself and realize how much i miss him. i will try my best to be strong and brave. ive gone too far to fall apart. ive realized the many things wrong with us. and why we could never be. i realized how much he hurt me. it took me a while to be where i am now (and im not even far-) it is taking a lot of conscious deliberate effort from me to put up these walls i need to be able to pick up myself again. with or with out him. the holidays will come and i will do my best to enjoy it. do i sound convincing enough?
seren Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I too am dreading Christmas Day, H will be in Afghanistan and while we have been apart for Christmas before, it gets harder the longer we are together. This tour has been really hard, for us both, so much so that he is going to leave after 27 years service. I am dammed happy about that. My son lives away, but is trying to get home for Christmas, fingers and toes crossed. One of the hard learned lessons the A taught us was that life is just far too dammed short and so we view each separation from each other as akin to purgatory! I feel for anyone who is not with the one's they love at Christmas. We make such a big deal of Christmas, lots of silly gifts, lots of time spent snuggled up and a time for reflection of what has passed and excitement about what is to come. For us, the New Year is all about -The Next Step, this will not see us in sunny climes as we thought (the job was not what I thought, so turned it down) instead we have a very remote cottage in the far North of Scotland and a new business working from home for us both. Very exciting and scary at the same time. Reflection on what we have gone through - we came through stronger and determined to never take each other for granted again, no one should. A recent health scare has made me look at what are the most precious gifts and these are time and love, neither to be squandered. Peace and Joy to everyone, I will try to provide support over Christmas for those who, like me, are missing their loved one's. x
seren Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 i am dreading it. i used to love the holidays. even if he couldnt be with me physically on the days itself, he calls me and i was happy with that given our situation. we celebrate on other days. we made do. i made do. i did get hurt though, the-outside-looking-in-syndrome. kknowing he is with his family having fun. and i am by myself. i will surely can not avoid missing him. but it was something i chose to live with. looking back, i wouldnt want to be in that situation. when he seemed to be there, but actually, he was not. ive been really trying to put up a brave face since dday. lately, i realized, i dont miss him with out thinking of the pain he brought to me and the lies he told me. i know i am in touch with my feelings..but im scared my indifference will finally give way during the holidays..when i start looking at myself and realize how much i miss him. i will try my best to be strong and brave. ive gone too far to fall apart. ive realized the many things wrong with us. and why we could never be. i realized how much he hurt me. it took me a while to be where i am now (and im not even far-) it is taking a lot of conscious deliberate effort from me to put up these walls i need to be able to pick up myself again. with or with out him. the holidays will come and i will do my best to enjoy it. do i sound convincing enough? You sound like you are working hard to get life back on track and in a better place for you. I hope it continues to pan out the best way for you.
OWoman Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 (((((hugs))))) to all those who will be alone, or without their loved ones, over the holiday season - whatever your circumstances (OW, OM, MW, MM, BW, BH, or anything else). In some cultures, holidays are a time of celebration and excess. In others, they are a time of fasting and reflection. If your circumstances make celebration difficult, try the reflection route instead and wrap yourself in the love deserve.
bentnotbroken Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Beautiful post. FBS here...it was hard at first, everything seems to be geared toward couples(the commercials made me want choke the crap out of somebody:mad:), then I slowly begin to understand the things I needed, the things I wanted to achieve and the things that were very good in my life. Putting all those things together I begin to find a new direction for my life. I understood that no matter what happened to me..God had a plan and for me Christmas is all about him. I am blessed, you all are blessed, be a blessing to someone else. :)God loves us.
desertIslandCactus Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I too have been so Blessed, beyond belief. And there have been very sparse times for myself and my beloved loved ones as well. But it is helpful to all to realize that Christmas is actually the celebration of the birth of Christ. This knowledge should bring the freedom to know that although you may feel alone or even desolate, there should be No Expectation to perform or feel a special happiness for what the World has developed as a 'holiday season' and it's frivolousness.
seren Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 While Christmas is now a time to celebrate the birth of Christ it might interest people to know that most believe that he was more likely to have been born in September. This because of the star (thought to be Halley's Comet) and the fact that shephers were watching sheep - they would be unlikely to do this in December, sheep would have been in the stables. The December date, was to make it more palatable to converting Christians from Pagan rituals and celebrations held at this time. The date was chosen in 350 BC the same date as the Feast of the Son of Isis, this saw raccous partying, gluttony, drinking and gift giving - this sdeems to have more in common with today's celebrations. It is also the time of celebration for other religions and cultures, Mistletoe comes from the Druids, the yule log from Norse Gods, Mummers from Roman times. Sorry for the T/J, just thought some might find it of interest, I love facts and other trivia. Whatever it means and whom ever it means it to, tis still a crappy time to be without the one you love
bentnotbroken Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 While Christmas is now a time to celebrate the birth of Christ it might interest people to know that most believe that he was more likely to have been born in September. This because of the star (thought to be Halley's Comet) and the fact that shephers were watching sheep - they would be unlikely to do this in December, sheep would have been in the stables. The December date, was to make it more palatable to converting Christians from Pagan rituals and celebrations held at this time. The date was chosen in 350 BC the same date as the Feast of the Son of Isis, this saw raccous partying, gluttony, drinking and gift giving - this sdeems to have more in common with today's celebrations. It is also the time of celebration for other religions and cultures, Mistletoe comes from the Druids, the yule log from Norse Gods, Mummers from Roman times. Sorry for the T/J, just thought some might find it of interest, I love facts and other trivia. Whatever it means and whom ever it means it to, tis still a crappy time to be without the one you love I like trivia too.
desertIslandCactus Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 While Christmas is now a time to celebrate the birth of Christ it might interest people to know that most believe that he was more likely to have been born in September. This because of the star (thought to be Halley's Comet) and the fact that shephers were watching sheep - they would be unlikely to do this in December, sheep would have been in the stables. The December date, was to make it more palatable to converting Christians from Pagan rituals and celebrations held at this time. The date was chosen in 350 BC the same date as the Feast of the Son of Isis, this saw raccous partying, gluttony, drinking and gift giving - this sdeems to have more in common with today's celebrations. It is also the time of celebration for other religions and cultures, Mistletoe comes from the Druids, the yule log from Norse Gods, Mummers from Roman times. Sorry for the T/J, just thought some might find it of interest, I love facts and other trivia. Whatever it means and whom ever it means it to, tis still a crappy time to be without the one you love Yes, that is true. I was only saying that Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of Jesus' birth. And it is a crappy time to be without the one you love.. I've been there, my husband left me before Christmas - and there were a lot of lonely desolate years after that and with working night jobs that included the holidays, etc.. After my father died (my mother's husband of 50 yrs) she told me the music played in the market was: "I'll be home for Christmas" .. If it had been a religious song it would have been more uplifting and of faith, not a reminder of desolace. I'm only illustrating that the 'holiday season' or gala time (as created by the world) has created unreasonable expectations for those who are already alone and hurting, unnecessarily so.
Author fooled once Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Christmas is such a beautiful season and I agree with you, it can be so magical. I am a bit different than some of the OW here in that I have four kids and am separated, not a single woman, so I don't feel alone. What I do feel is unhappy with how my whole A occurred and the way I let him treat me, but I am so thankful for what I have learned and for the cleansing these past few weeks of ending it have provided for me. Like so many on LS, I thought we were truly unique and now I realize, this is quite a common situation. So, while so very painful, I have gained my strength and power back, and I thank you FooledOnce because you were a huge part of that.Blessings to all aww New ((hugs)) that was so sweet to read. YOU had it in you - YOU decided YOU had enough. I am so proud of YOU!! i am dreading it. i used to love the holidays. even if he couldnt be with me physically on the days itself, he calls me and i was happy with that given our situation. we celebrate on other days. we made do. i made do. i did get hurt though, the-outside-looking-in-syndrome. kknowing he is with his family having fun. and i am by myself. i will surely can not avoid missing him. but it was something i chose to live with. looking back, i wouldnt want to be in that situation. when he seemed to be there, but actually, he was not. ive been really trying to put up a brave face since dday. lately, i realized, i dont miss him with out thinking of the pain he brought to me and the lies he told me. i know i am in touch with my feelings..but im scared my indifference will finally give way during the holidays..when i start looking at myself and realize how much i miss him. i will try my best to be strong and brave. ive gone too far to fall apart. ive realized the many things wrong with us. and why we could never be. i realized how much he hurt me. it took me a while to be where i am now (and im not even far-) it is taking a lot of conscious deliberate effort from me to put up these walls i need to be able to pick up myself again. with or with out him. the holidays will come and i will do my best to enjoy it. do i sound convincing enough? You are getting there steel. Don't rush yourself. One day at at time. Time for YOU to make new traditions, new plans for the holidays. Volunteer at a shelter; go visit kids in the pediatric ward of a hospital. It truly helps put priorities in order. ((hugs)) I too am dreading Christmas Day, H will be in Afghanistan and while we have been apart for Christmas before, it gets harder the longer we are together. This tour has been really hard, for us both, so much so that he is going to leave after 27 years service. I am dammed happy about that. My son lives away, but is trying to get home for Christmas, fingers and toes crossed. One of the hard learned lessons the A taught us was that life is just far too dammed short and so we view each separation from each other as akin to purgatory! I feel for anyone who is not with the one's they love at Christmas. We make such a big deal of Christmas, lots of silly gifts, lots of time spent snuggled up and a time for reflection of what has passed and excitement about what is to come. For us, the New Year is all about -The Next Step, this will not see us in sunny climes as we thought (the job was not what I thought, so turned it down) instead we have a very remote cottage in the far North of Scotland and a new business working from home for us both. Very exciting and scary at the same time. Reflection on what we have gone through - we came through stronger and determined to never take each other for granted again, no one should. A recent health scare has made me look at what are the most precious gifts and these are time and love, neither to be squandered. Peace and Joy to everyone, I will try to provide support over Christmas for those who, like me, are missing their loved one's. x ((seren)) -- My father did 30 years of service and I can tell you, I remember more holidays without him than with him. I cannot begin to understand how you (or my mom) dealt with it. My dad was involved in the Vietnam war and I remember as a kid being so scared because I saw how scared my mom was (no matter how hard she tried to hide it). Your H is doing something for his country; he is doing something to help people stay free, to allow us to have our choices. God Bless Him and God Bless you for being so supportive of him. While you won't be with him, I know your hearts will be together. And just think - you can plan for what you will be doing together on Dec. 25, 2011 I won't have my stepdaughter with me this year for Christmas, for the 2nd year in a row. It literally breaks my heart But her and I have a date - we are going to be together Dec. 25, 2011. We have already started our countdown! Putting up the tree, making cookies, decorating ... it all reminds me of her. I was out shopping on Saturday - I am putting together a box for her - and I broken down in the store crying because it hurts so much that she won't be here. But I have to go forward and I have to do the best I can until she can be with me next year. I know it isn't the same as you being with your spouse, but I wanted you to know I can sympathize a bit with you. ((hugs)) Beautiful post. FBS here...it was hard at first, everything seems to be geared toward couples(the commercials made me want choke the crap out of somebody:mad:), then I slowly begin to understand the things I needed, the things I wanted to achieve and the things that were very good in my life. Putting all those things together I begin to find a new direction for my life. I understood that no matter what happened to me..God had a plan and for me Christmas is all about him. I am blessed, you all are blessed, be a blessing to someone else. :)God loves us. Yes, God does have a plan for you Bent ((hugs)) and we are all blessed. Thank you for sharing ((hugs))
pureinheart Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Yes, that is true. I was only saying that Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of Jesus' birth. And it is a crappy time to be without the one you love.. I've been there, my husband left me before Christmas - and there were a lot of lonely desolate years after that and with working night jobs that included the holidays, etc.. After my father died (my mother's husband of 50 yrs) she told me the music played in the market was: "I'll be home for Christmas" .. If it had been a religious song it would have been more uplifting and of faith, not a reminder of desolace. I'm only illustrating that the 'holiday season' or gala time (as created by the world) has created unreasonable expectations for those who are already alone and hurting, unnecessarily so. Oh Desert, I am so sorry about what happened to you ...and this is a VERY beautiful post. I just speak every good thing to you, that nothing good (according to Gods will) be held back from you from this day forward ((((((hugs)))))))
pureinheart Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 (((((hugs))))) to all those who will be alone, or without their loved ones, over the holiday season - whatever your circumstances (OW, OM, MW, MM, BW, BH, or anything else). In some cultures, holidays are a time of celebration and excess. In others, they are a time of fasting and reflection. If your circumstances make celebration difficult, try the reflection route instead and wrap yourself in the love deserve. Backatcha OWoman, you are absolutely beautiful and have a wonderful heart, thank you:) Beautiful post. FBS here...it was hard at first, everything seems to be geared toward couples(the commercials made me want choke the crap out of somebody:mad:), then I slowly begin to understand the things I needed, the things I wanted to achieve and the things that were very good in my life. Putting all those things together I begin to find a new direction for my life. I understood that no matter what happened to me..God had a plan and for me Christmas is all about him. I am blessed, you all are blessed, be a blessing to someone else. :)God loves us. First want to say FO this is a extraordinary OP...very, very beautiful:) Bent, I so totally agree with you, much is geared towards the "couples"...that is why I didn't go with my daughter to her friends house for Thanksgiving (all couples), just stayed home because I feel like the third wheel...you know.... Thank God for Christmas as it is about HIM...very beautiful reply Bent... Hugs to all:love::love:
desertIslandCactus Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Oh Desert, I am so sorry about what happened to you ...and this is a VERY beautiful post. I just speak every good thing to you, that nothing good (according to Gods will) be held back from you from this day forward ((((((hugs))))))) Thanks pure, and you also.. I have been blessed in every way.
desertIslandCactus Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 you:) Bent, I so totally agree with you, much is geared towards the "couples"...that is why I didn't go with my daughter to her friends house for Thanksgiving (all couples), just stayed home because I feel like the third wheel...you know.... Thank God for Christmas as it is about HIM...very beautiful reply Bent... Hugs to all:love::love: Pure, I regret if you had to spend Thanksgiving alone. But it's true, there's nothing worse for a single person than having to put up with couples. Each time I have gone to one of those occasions i.e. wedding, class reunion, I think I can handle it .. They act as if they are embracing each other - while using you for desert.. I could barely get through the events .. better off alone.
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