New husband who admitted to sleeping with escorts...

[escorthusband]

I am a recently married 25 year old.

My relationship with my husband was one that evolved very quickly, we met at a vulnerable time in my life and we were living together within a year of meeting. We always had a problem in our relationship, in that my sex drive was infinitely greater than his. He was always happy with sleeping together once a week and to be honest I think it was only because I would always remind him to. He was never into foreplay, he really just wanted to "get off" and preferred for me to just lie on my stomach and not move. My concerns were compounded by the fact that a couple times I caught him calling escorts from websites... he would only call to see if they were available and apparently that was enough to get him aroused. I asked him to stop and he did, but he continued to view escort websites and to chat on blogs despite my being uncomfortable about it and asking him to stop. He justified it by telling me it was no different than watching porn.

 

This was a recurring problem throughout our relationship and whenever we would argue about it he would promise to stop watching porn/jerking off so that his sexual energy would be diverted towards me, but it never worked. I told him I felt like he had been cheating on me in the sense that all of his sexual energy was diverted towards anything other than pleasuring me but it did not seem to make a difference. Other than that, we are best friends and get along very well so I was never strong enough to call things off although I was very unhappy with out sex life. I tried everything I could think of to improve things: coming onto him, refusing his advances, dressing up, etc... nothing worked.

 

The last time we fought about how little we have sex, he told me that he just was not a very sexual person and that if it was so important to me, we should probably break up because he would never change. It was always so hard for me to accept that since I KNEW he looked at pictures online, etc. I couldn't bring myself to break up with him over sex and we both agreed that it was not that important to us and that all the other good in our relationship could overcome it. In the weeks leading up to our wedding, he was able to get erect but could not ever finish. I started to get really worried and wanted to call off the wedding but I was too scared.

 

Since we married, I have found myself tempted by other men. It became clear to me that I had been fooling myself when I said I could deal without having a satisfying sex life. When I finally confessed this to him, saying that I was worried I would one day cheat on him, he told me that he was pretty sure his sexual problems were based on the fact that before he met me, he had slept with 20+ escorts. He was also sleeping with coworkers and friends at the time, he is a good looking guy with a great personality so it is not like he was sleeping with them because he could not get girls otherwise (he has had over 30 sexual partners, though I suppose if you include the escorts we are looking at 50+)

 

Honesty was always a huge part of our relationship and I feel so betrayed that he never felt the need to tell me this given the huge problem we had with sex, a big enough problem that we fought about it frequently and that caused me to become very depressed on many occasions. He made me feel like it was my fault that he never wanted to have sex, that my constantly expressing my frustration to him had a "negative psychological impact" on him. I am so angry that he did not tell me before we got married, but he says that he had shoved the memory away because it shamed him so much. It that was true, how could he possibly have been okay with looking at escort websites and writing on blogs of people who use escorts while we were dating? He says that he will do anything to save our relationship and has begun speaking to his therapist about it, who claims he has a "Madonna complex" where I am concerned.

 

I am so disgusted by him... but I feel the need to try and save our marriage since we are in fact, married. I just don't know how I could possibly forgive him and I seriously doubt that he will be able to change...

 

Has anyone ever had experience with something like this?

[FanFan]

Let me get this straight. He would pay someone and along the process shame himself to have sex with these women, but will refuse, even after begging to have sex with you whom he claim he loves? Something is off.

[escorthusband]

Even though I am young, I have been in relationships with people who were "messed up before" and my instinct tells me to run. I am 25, we have no kids.... I know we are married but I do not place a lot of importance on that right now since our entire relationship now has a huge lie permeating through it...

[emmalee]

You shouldn't feel this way in your relationship, you should be happy and sexually satisfied!

Your

H

sounds like he isn't going to change.

I would say get out now before things get worse, you don't want to 'wait and see' and waste any more of your time being unhappy.

 

Although you two have made the commitment of marriage, he is neglecting your needs and feelings

now,

think about what he will be doing in 3, 6, 10 years time?

 

Run while you can!

[JanetD]

I started to get really worried and wanted to call off the wedding but I was too scared.

Scared of what?

[whichwayisup]

You need to listen to your gut. If your H isn't going to do his best, get help seek counselling, alone and go to marriage counselling with you to try to fix things, then maybe it is best to divorce. I understand your desire to live up to your marriage vows, but it takes TWO!

 

There has been many red flags along the way, and you've ignored them, even before you got married, yet you still married him.

 

Really think about this, how happy are you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling miserable?

[RecordProducer]

He was never into foreplay, he really just wanted to "get off" and preferred for me to just lie on my stomach and not move.

He is not interested in the things that most men like: oral sex, touching, different positions...

 

I tried everything I could think of to improve things: coming onto him, refusing his advances, dressing up, etc... nothing worked.

Apparently you can't please him.

 

The last time we fought about how little we have sex, he told me that he just was not a very sexual person and that if it was so important to me, we should probably break up because he would never change.

Now that you know that he won't change, you must decide whether at age 25 you want to continue like this forever. Divorcing over sex is nothing unusual, especially since you're so young and you don't have kids. About him not being a very sexual person - that's bull! Anyone who slept with 20+ prostitutes can't be an asexual person.

he told me that he was pretty sure his sexual problems were based on the fact that before he met me, he had slept with 20+ escorts

That's very interesting! Why would his problems be based on that? Because he got something fromm these escorts that he can't get from you. He has a secret. A dark sexual secret that he can't divulge to his wife or any other normal sex partner. Him prefering that you lie on your stomach and not move speaks of his dominant tendency and possibly affinity toward necrophilia (he wants you to not move). His general disinterest in sex with you - and such passionate interest in escorts (judging by his constant viewing of those websites) - shows that he wants sex, but not the kind that he would get with his wife (or any other woman that's not a prostitute).

 

He was also sleeping with coworkers and friends at the time, he is a good looking guy with a great personality so it is not like he was sleeping with them because he could not get girls otherwise

Apparently it wasn't a matter of not having sex.

 

The Madonna/whore complex is an obsolete concept from the times when women were viewed as moral and immoral. Only 50 years ago, a victim of rape who has had sex and wasn't married - was considered NOT raped because she's done that before. Those days are gone. People in our modern society don't have those complexes anymore. This is more serious. Your husband likely has some perverted sexual tendencies that you will never fulfill. Try to find out what is it that turns him on. Perhaps there's osmething in his computer? Or give him a b'day present in the form of an escort and watch/record the scene without his knowledge.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow! This is quite the puzzler.

 

First of all, in modern society, all two people owe one another prior to having sex is proof of a clean bill of health regarding STD's OR full disclosure of which STD's they are carrying.

 

SO, whether he had sex with escorts in the past really doesn't factor into what is fair on his part, when embarking upon your relationship. Of course this is a big (BARRIER) in your mind, and it goes with so many other (BARRIERS) on both sides of your relationship.

 

Indeed he has some sexual disfunction about him ~having nothing to do with the escorts~ and of course you may need marriage/sex counseling to find a workable solution.

 

By the way, you DO have EVERY RIGHT to state:

 

"IF ever I learn that you have met (since we have been together) any of the escorts you say you're "calling to see if they are available", then we're through!"

 

I have a strong feeling that if you were inspired to delve into his past, and into the psychology of how he evolved from childhood into the person he is today, that you could gain great understanding about your husband.

 

I think he could change/evolve... and that you could evolve to be happy together... but it is going to take some effort.

 

Learn as much about his childhood/past in order to figure out which elements of that past created his present day sexuality.

 

------------------------------------------

 

Just imagine your future at Loveshack as "escorthusband"

[pablopedro]

People who tend to brag usually are lying.

The guy doesn't want to have sex with you and you're young, yet proclaims he's had sex with tons of co-workers, with escorts, etc. Either he isn't attracted to you at all or he's the dumbest man on the planet.

 

If you are unsatisfied with your sex life and you tell him this, why on earth would he come out and say he's not into sex yet he's had sex with tons of women in the past?

 

Maybe he wants you to break up with him because he cant do it or won't.

And the fact you do have sex, rarely, says it isn't a physical or mental issue.

[You Go Girl]

We could speculate all day about what's in this guy's head. But the glaring thing that I see--is that there is something very selfish in that he won't share what is going on in his head.

He has a private sex life that he won't share with you. That sounds like a lonely marriage. One partner--him--is only willing to share part of his intimacy, and that isn't just a sexual thing, but an emotional and mental thinking thing.

"You're allowed to know who I am, but only to an extent".

 

Tell him you don't want crumbs, you want the whole damn cake.

[devinemarko]

Decide whether you want to 25 go on forever. Divorce on grounds of sex is not unusual, especially since you are so young and has no children. Above him is a very sexual person the bull! Any person who has slept with 20 prostitutes can not be an asexual person.

[somedude81]

Wow, over 30 non-escort partners?! And 20 escorts on top of that? How old is he?

 

With such a high number of partners, it tells me that he's a bit of a player who gets bored of women rather quickly. He's a pump and dump guy who should have never gotten married.

 

He probably thought he could change and be satisfied with being with one woman for the rest of his life, but that is obviously not the case.

 

He still has his hangups and I bet he often thinks about sleeping with other women, if he isn't already.

 

I suggest divorcing him, he is going to cheat if he isn't doing it now. Him getting married was a mistake.

[gmr324]

His pattern of behavior obviously hasn't deviated and I would suggest that he doesn't acknowledge his issues with lack of communications and deceit. You're young enough to find someone who is much more compatible with you sexually. It sounds like you have a lot to offer and shouldn't have to tolerate such behavior. It's interesting to me that the disparate sex drive issue existed all along. Actually, it sounds like his sex drive is also high but obviously misdirected and diluted with all these other partners.

[love4me2c]

It is possible you might be able to get an annulment. I would explore that possibility. Clearly, you did not sign up for this. Marriage only presents more challenges along the way. While hindsight is always 20/20, you have a real opportunity to get out of this sooner rather than later. I'm sure this is a very hard decision to make and I wish you the very best of luck.

[rossdavis]

You need to listen to your gut. If your Husband isn't going to do his best, get advice seek counseling, alone and go to marriage counseling with you to try to fix things, then maybe it is best to divorce.

[somedude81]

Dude, the last post in this thread was from three months ago.

 

How did you even find this thread to post in?