Feeling nervous around christian boyfriend

[bolase]

I'm feeling increasingly tentative around my boyfriend and I'm not sure how to get over it. I wondered if anyone has felt the same?

 

A couple of things at play in our situation:

-we live together. I moved into a new place earlier this year where he was one of the flatmates I hadn't met, although it took us 4 months to get together and we've been for the last 3 or so weeks. I was pretty far in love with him before he made a move, he used to do and say things that I'd have to run to my room and daydream about for a few minutes right away to extend the moment. That kind of feeling!! I like him more than I've liked any boyfriend in the past (we are both 25).

 

I don't know why I can't play it as cool now, I overthink everything, I said I would organise a date and I"m freaking out about what to do for it when I usually have tonnes of quirky ideas I pull out, and I'm basically not myself.

 

-he is Christian and I am not. I have spiritual beliefs but don't define as any religion, and he won't have sex before marriage while I have been in two intimate relationships. We talked about this at the very start and I respect his position and his faith as the centre of his life, and he respects me as he is very physically expressive and loving to give me what he can. In most areas of relationships you have to learn compromise, but it seems like with this, it's either "if you really loved them, you would wait for marriage" or for the other person "if you really loved them, you would make love to them". For me marriage is commitment but it doesnt change your love or feelings towards someone, and sex is an expression of love not one of commitment.

He also wants to save sleeping in the same bed for marriage also, but last night while we were making out on the couch things got pretty intimate. His mouth to my breasts and our hands on the outside of each others jeans in private places. I'm not sure what his boundaries are, though he told me he wants to work it out together.

 

I think this is affecting the way I act around him too..I wish I could relax a little more and just enjoy everything!

 

Also, I'm leaving to go overseas for 6 months in January..

Edited November 27, 2010 by bolase

[musemaj11]

It is harder for a man to hold off sex and logically if even your bf can do it, you should too.

[Seamless74]

YUCK!!!

[Star Gazer]

YUCK!!!

 

What part of the OP are you yucking at? I don't see anything worthy of that response. What am I missing?

[Seamless74]

Honestly, First thing that came to mind after reading the post.. That and I wonder if handjobs count as sex?

[lovebitme]

I had similar beliefs early on in my life until I decided to liberate myself concerning sex. I respect him for his stance and you should too.

 

Here is the problem. You guys are getting close to having sex and it's probably going to happen and when it does he might resent you for it. If you're serious about the relationship then try to protect him a little. If he's weak then be strong and vise versa. Sounds crazy I know but trust me, chances are he'll feel guilty if he goes to far and then dump you.

 

Or try talking to him about it. He may agree with you and change his mind but not likely. Do you feel like you would consider him for marriage?

[SignalFlare]

The mismatched religious beliefs would make me very uncomfortable in your situation. Ultimately though, it's up to you.

 

First you have to decide how much the no sex thing bothers you. Once your clear on how you feel about it, bring up the topic with him.

 

It's only through discussion that you're going to come to an agreement that pleases both of you.

[bolase]

Thanks for the positive reponses.. I think he did sleep with an old girlfriend of his as he once said to me that some of his friends think if you have sex before marriage, you may as well keep on going, but you don't have to.

 

With his recent girlfriend though she tried to pressure him into it and didn't respect his beliefs. THey never did and broke up after a few months, and he told me that for these reasons he was hesitant about sarting something with me. Now though if I hold back and don't pressure him it seems he wants to have a close physical relationship anyway.

 

And yes I have thought about it many times recently and I would consider him for marriage. Despite the fact I am going away soon for half a year. I feel completely differently about this man.

 

All I really need to know is that he IS attracted to me, not just looking at me as a good person on paper as a potential wife, nd our mutual attraction is really amazing, I feel lucky. So yes.

[yah]

I'm feeling increasingly tentative around my boyfriend and I'm not sure how to get over it. I wondered if anyone has felt the same?

 

Yes, I could relate to you. Not the no-sex thing but general things due to religious conflict. I'm Christian and SO is Jewish. In the beginning I (and probably he too) thought we were doomed. Everyday I felt some looming fear that it would be our last. I raised the topic way too often. We got to a standstill each time. We discussed breaking up and almost did. We ended up taking a short break because the pressure/tension was so high.

 

I think what worked for us was that we stopped talking about it for a bit. During that time I read more about his religion, and he decided he wanted to be with me despite our differences. At that point, there was no more turning back. The topic of religion, and all the things associated with it) was officially off the table.

 

Also, we never ask or expect each other to do things that go against our beliefs. (Of course, not saying you do!)

 

So yup, just mutually decide to stop discussing it, hold off on the sex (I agree with the pp who said he might resent it if he lost his virginity without thinking about it), enjoy the relationship, and give yourselves some time before discussing it again. The time together will solidify whether you/him are willing to make some big sacrifices for each other.

[bolase]

Thanks, I really appreciate your post, it's good to know things can work if you focus on enjoying each other and your love not your differences.

[xpaperxcutx]

Honestly, First thing that came to mind after reading the post.. That and I wonder if handjobs count as sex?

 

 

 

Well considering his behaviour, I can't help but think he's being a hyprocrite, especially since he's already had sex.

[bolase]

Sorry to threadjack my own thread but in a change of track, we met up at the park yesterday and had fun, but just before he had to dash he said "so..we should talk about the elephant in the room..that you're leaving in 3 weeks"

 

I kind of said, yeah, but i thought we were just feeling it out..

 

He said it feels likes its not a typical relationship. in that we hang out as more than friends, no one else really knows, we live together., and said he doesnt know what we are all while being really affectionate..and said tht it kind of doomed to end when we part in 3 weeks.

 

I know, I KNOW it' s important to probably have that talk, but I feel devastated - I know hes just trying ot do the right thing like a nice person. But, but..i have REALLY strong feelings for this guy. I havent expressed them, really, just focusd on myself and all that I need to do before I leave, while he has been amazing, sweet, offered to do things for me, while I've been pretty boring in comparison and had heaps of work to do (hes pretty free atm)

 

AHGHJGJH. Should I say, okay I understand, it not fair on either of us, elts just step back frm it from now? Because it hurt so much last night after accepting what he said. Even though I could see a future, it seems like he doesn't. It's too early to say whether its a long term thing anyway.