DevotedDevonDad Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Hello to to you all. Last November I told my wife of 8 years, partner of 17 and Mother of our 6 month old daughter that I wanted to leave her. We started our relationship with an introduction by friends. I had only just broken up with a girlfriend of 2 years and was, after being treated badly by her, on the rebound. Once she found out that I was seeing someone else she suddenly wanted me back, but I stuck with my new girl. My new girlfriend was incredibly shy, not the sort of person I would go for and I was the first person she'd ever been with. (Not even had a boyfriend by the age of 17). We grew together, had many memorable times and just got on with life. We bought a house together. This sounds pretty average.... But over the first four years of our relationship I ended up being infatuated/obsessed with and kissing two separate colleagues on two separate occasions. She never found out about this and I just lived with the guilt. We married in 2001 and, after 2 years of marriage, again became infatuated/obsessed with a friend. I couldn't keep my feelings to myself any more and told her everything. We continued a non-sexual "affair" for a while until her conscience got the better of her and she told her husband. The **** hit the fan and he wanted to "kill" me. After much soul-searching my wife and I drifted back together and we carried on with the marriage. We moved to a different town, got new jobs and seemed happy. We became parents - I was overjoyed. But I fell for my wife's maternity cover at work. I tried to fight it, but I looked at (my impression of) the bigger picture. I considered that if I could keep feeling like this about others then I needed to be out of the marriage. I couldn't be a good husband if I felt stronger about people other than my own wife. Hell, I even wanted to be with her Mother! I told my wife that "I loved her" but wasn't "in love" with her. I started a relationship with the woman who was covering my wife's maternity leave; we ended up being incompatible and now am single. I was on medication for depression which, after observations from family members, I had been suffering for years. I am now seeing a counsellor. My wife and I still spend a fair amount of time together as, due to my rented property only having one bedroom and being unheated, I CANNOT have my daughter over to stay. We are still "friends". Just feel hollow and confused. Thought I'd share with you guys!
celsyus Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Wow, this is quite interesting. Monogamy isn't hardwired into our brains. It can be accomplished, but from my own experiences, only with the right woman. Maybe you haven't found yours yet? Either way, I wish you luck!
Author DevotedDevonDad Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Wow, this is quite interesting. Monogamy isn't hardwired into our brains. It can be accomplished, but from my own experiences, only with the right woman. Maybe you haven't found yours yet? Either way, I wish you luck! Thanks celsyus. Hopefully others will offer their opinion!?
Fern Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) You sound a lot like my Ex. When we got together he was still 'in love' with his ex girlfriend and didn't ever really commit to our relationship. He two-timed me more than once when we first got together and even dumped me for a few weeks to get back with the ex he was 'in love' with. When he discovered that he had been living in a fantasy with regards to her he came running back to me. We were together 6 years and recently split over his affair with a work colleague. He's now in a relationship with this girl. He has always had depressive issues and I strongly suspect I was in a codependent relationship. I accept my part in that and know the mistakes I made. I don't blame him or hate him, I was at fault too and I'm taking some time to look at myself and my motives and my lack of self esteem and work on myself. His mother died nearly two years ago and since then our relationship had been deteriorating steadily. I think the fact that I was only ever a 'comfortable' or second choice love meant that when things got tough he wasn't able to muster the effort to try to work things out with me. However I also think that because of the man he is and all his issues he constantly seeks salvation in love. This new girl won't be able to 'save' him any more than I could. In fact, given her age and situation she's far LESS likely to help him become a better person. I supported him emotionally and financially through the toughest times of his life and it wasn't enough. If he keeps following the pattern he's exhibiting to date he'll keep making the same mistakes over and over. Nobody else can save him or make him happy. If he is ever to have a decent relationship he needs to fix himself first. I think you should continue seeing a psychiatrist or counsellor. Edited November 28, 2010 by Fern mistake
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