Can't get over my ex after 2 years apart and he has a new girlfriend

[pal86]

I realize this is a long post, but you always need background info and typing about it is a kind of therapy in itself. Misery loves company!

 

We met at boarding school in Sept '05. Our friendship slowly blossomed, from me detesting him (he's incredibly intelligent and acted like a 'know-it-all') to something that grew over time. We made it official in November '06 after acting like gf/bf for around 5 months before that. It took me a long time to let someone in as I have this ridiculous wall built up around me, which I believe to be something I use so I can avoid being hurt. Anyway, I completely fall for him and vice versa. Everything is going great until the Jan '07 when I decide to leave school and we are forced to enter the whole long distance relationship with an hours plane flight and a couple of hours driving between us. Things weren't easy and the pressures of carrying on as we were, were at times overwhelming. I also had a difficult set up at home (where I moved back to) as my father is elderly and suffers from dementia.

 

We really tried to make it work, my existence was all about planning trips to see him, actually going on those trips and then starting all over again before I would get home. The stress of continuing the relationship caused ridiculous fights and he always questioned me on my fidelity. I needed space, a break from the stress of it all. We both were so young (with me being 3 years older than him) and living at home with parents so I never felt like we had enough time together to just be 'us'. I couldn't see an end to the long distance and really wanted to move to London to be with him, while he attended uni, but I realised that I needed to work on myself and grow before I could do that. We decided (I instigated) to end things after xmas in '08 and it was an incredibly hard decision with me staying in his parents house for a few days after, us promising to stay friends and a very teary farewell at the airport. That was the last I've seen of him. It was apparent his heart was totally broken.

 

I seemingly dealt with it well, but I now know that because I had so much going on at home I never dealt with it and never got closure. But I also never stopped loving him. We made an attempt to stay in contact but I realised it was just too hard and left it but I had told him I wanted to take him to see KOL at the O2 for his birthday. He contacted me over facebook after about 5 months of no contact to say he was still interested in going and wondered how I was. I took my mother as I knew, facing him again would bring up so many emotions. I replied to him after I got back from London saying sorry for not staying in contact and that I thought it would be awkward to take him and hoped he was good etc. I didn't hear back from him, that was early Jul '09. I had a very brief fling in late jul '09 and other than that I haven't been involved with anybody and I mean I've lived pretty much like a nun since. I've dated but the furthest it has gone is dinner and conversation and absolutely no physical contact (that is if you don't include a kiss on the cheek). I’m simply not interested in anyone else.

 

I decided that after so long at home and becoming totally consumed with life there on a small island I needed to move, more for therapeutic reasons than to work and I moved to OZ in Oct '09. I needed to do something with my life, to progress and to make friends again which I hadn't had for years, since moving home. I am now living and working in Perth and I am in a much happier situation than I have been in years. I actually feel content. I have almost daily looked at my ex's facebook profile, enjoying looking at all the pictures posted of him enjoying Uni life in london. I spoke to my mum about getting back in touch with him, around 5 months ago and was going to wait till when I get back home for a months break for xmas (now). But a few weeks ago he posted that he was in a relationship with a girl at his Uni and I honestly felt like my life came crumbling down. I sobbed , it feels like my heart physically hurts... I feel I am only dealing with the break up now and it's been almost 2 years since we split. I really felt that we could get back together but until we lived close, it wouldn't work. Also being 24 and 21 now we have maturity on our side, I hope at least. But it seems I am too late... there is a photo of them looking couplely from Aug, so it seems like a committed relationship. Anyway, I couldn't function I was so distraught. I realise that my unrealistic ideal of us getting back together was just that - unrealistic. I needed to get out what I had been holding in and I wrote an email to him pouring out my emotions and then another one a few days later when I was in a clearer frame of mind. There were so many things I had never said that I just needed him to know. I told him things like ‘I never stopped loving you and never will’ ‘I haven’t looked at anyone the way I looked at you’ ‘I’m so proud of you for doing so well at uni’ ‘I need closure so I can move on with my life like you have done with yours’. It seems that he has not yet seen these emails that I sent on the 12th and 15th, I had to delete him off facebook because a status update appeared at the top of my wall which included a link of his new girlfriend, it tipped me over the edge and I spent the following hour crying. I asked him to forgive me for doing it and that I didn’t want to be constantly reminded, it was all too much. He replied saying he was sorry I felt like that and that I shouldn’t feel bad about it, then said he wanted to catch up. I said that I’d missed him, thought about him often and he could call me if he did indeed fancy having a catch up, as I want to know whether or not he really wants to catch up or it’s him just being nice with reading and replying to a few emails. I don’t want him to leave her for me, I couldn’t live with myself knowing someone was hurt because of me and my selfishness, he deserves to be happy. I feel like I have lost him forever... there was no contact for about 1 1/2 years. But I held on to the hope. I just don't know what to do... I feel like there is so much unfinished business between us, unrequited it seems on my part but maybe I should really move on? I just don’t know how to. We never cheated on each other, I have no bitterness towards him.

 

I’m hoping that someone can offer advice… first loves are hard to get over, I know. I feel selfish feeling like this, almost as if I don’t deserve to feel that I’ve lost him, he moved on a long time ago. I just feel so lost. I want a future with him. What can I do to stop hurting and to stop feeling physical pain and ill at the thought of him with someone else?

[Graceful]

It sounds as though, on the surface, you've been managing quite well, and you've dealt with quite a few issues successfully. I just want to say first, however, I am sorry that you father has dementia, and that you have had to experience that at such a young age. Hope that your family is coping with that.

 

You need to put your r/l with you ex in perspective and it appears you have not done that, despite being in NC with him. First of all, if you were friends on FB, then that is not NC. I am sorry, it is a very difficult thing to do, but if you are NOT in contact, that means every type of contact. Being on FB and looking at his profile for months on end is not NC. I do not want to harsh on you, but you need to hear that. When you are trying to move on and get on with your life in a meaningful way, you are only going to stand still or live in the past when you have any dealings with the person who was part of your past. So you need to think seriously about that.

 

To put things in perspective, you have to let him go. You have to see him as your first true love, make it ok to "always love him" (I still love my first true love, and I have fallen in love again) and start to see him as part of your life when you were growing and changing. You cannot go back and "re-do" the past, it is over and done. You can't make it the way you wish it had been. The two of you were wise to break up when you did, before things deteriorated further.

 

Sometimes, it is MUCH better to end on a good note than an acrimonious one. It is much much better to end without bitterness, without arguments and without hurting each other by words and actions. Trust me, a bitter, argumentative end to a r/l is horrible and it does not bring you closure in any way.

 

Some people would tell you that now that your ex has a GF, THAT IS YOUR CLOSURE. That is the ultimate closure for you, it really is. I am sure he feels as you do, he has many fond feelings for you, but he has now moved into a new chapter of his life, and you are in his memories, not his active life. I totally and utterly understand how you feel, b/c it happened to me once (I found out my ex had a GF 2 years after our breakup, and I felt like someone sucker punched me and i slid all the way down the mountain) -- so yes, I agree, you probably feel like you did all the way back at the beginning.

 

But you know what? You are going to feel better a lot sooner than you think, b/c you have already gone though 1 1/2 years making it on your own and showing yourself you can live without him. Stand strong, open your heart to the many possibilities in your life. Do not hold yourself back b/c of ONE PERSON. There are thousands of people who will cross your path in the future, why do you think just ONE PERSON is the ONLY ONE in this entire world for you? Please smile, I am ribbing you a little, but seriously. With an open heart, there is no end to the possibilities. As for thinking about him ... don't. Do not think about him with someone else. That is destructive for you. Start to envision your own happiness, your own peace, and your own beautiful future. You cannot and should not try to be friends with your ex, it is too painful. You are going to feel that you have questions for a long time, but he cannot answer them, no one can. They are the same questions we all have, and they are from the sadness, doubts, pain, the "what if" feelings, the second guessing, all of it. They are keeping you safe and warm and preventing you from moving on, so let go of them. Let it all go. Tell yourself that your ex cannot help you!! It's not his responsibility to help you!! It is YOUR responsibility. The sooner you see that, the better off you will be. As my own mother would say and I repeat to you, do not pine for someone who does not want you. Go out there and find someone who does want you. If you don't feel like dating right now, then DON'T!! Just let yourself heal, get your strength back, and then one day ... you'll see. You'll be ready.

Love, Grace

Edited November 27, 2010 by Graceful

[pal86]

I want to thank you so much for your kind words and support. Your post was some seriously sage advice. I read it and reread it. It was incredibly hard to read though. I had to hold back the tears but it was exactly what I needed to hear from a complete stranger!

 

I sent him a final message over facebook this morning explaining that this was it, I was severing contact. I have always somehow hidden my feelings, and I just let them go and poured them into that message. I also asked him to not hate me as I feel that he'll feel like I have a personal vendetta against him, which is obviously not the case. I then went on to block him as I found out that he has a public profile so me deleting him did nothing for me. I've cleared my email accounts of emails related to him and yes I'm still hurting and crying, but deep down I know it's what I should have done but couldn't face the fact that somehow my future didn't include him. How long it will take to feel better about it all, only time will tell.

 

Thank you again

Poppy

[Fern]

There is a closure that comes with making the decision and sticking to it. You will feel better sooner than you imagine. You did the right thing. My heart goes out to you - I know how hard it is to let go of the hope. That's the hardest thing of all to give up, but it's the one thing that really stops you letting go and healing. If you need to cry for a week - do it. Then make the decision to move on. We're all here to listen if you need it.

[swfc_77]

i know you must be feeling quite down at the minute but from your post which i'v just read you need to accept that he is with someone else and move on, can you not find it in your heart to see him happy and sort of settled with someone who might be really good for him, think of it like this he's not out sleeping around taking drugs and making a general mess of his life.

 

i can kind of relate to what your saying but i have been in your boyfriends position before when i first got with my ex a girl i was close to but never got with suddenly got back in touch with me after about 18 months of not speaking to me, when my ex split up the first time she saw that i was moving on with my life and jumped at the chance to get back with me i did which turned out to be a mistake.

 

i am hoping to move abroad to start again but dont want my ex to find out as she will probably try and get me to stay she cant seem to let me go and still gets in touch every now and again, what im saying is that i know you still love him and all that but you have to realise that you ended it, i dont know if you expected him to wait for you but he has obviously moved on which is only to be expected.

 

i hope this message doesn't come across as harsh because its not meant to be like that, stay off his/her facebook and when you think of him smile, remember, and be grateful that he's doing ok in life just as you are now.

 

my ex was a 1st class bitch to me and my family showed no respect towards anyone and left a trial of distruction in my life but i dont wish her any hurt or pain, just that she's happy and makes the right decisions in life and to learn from the wrong decisions just like me and you are now.

 

keep your chin up

[pal86]

It is so nice that I'm not the only one who feels/has felt the way I do, at times you feel like you're the only one.

 

Our families were quite close and my ex was extremely close to my mum. He'd ask her for advice and confide in her. He has stayed in irregular contact with both my sister and mum for years. I'm happy for him, I truly am. I was so consumed with guilt for hurting him, that all I wish for him is happiness.

 

I spent a week determined to not do anything and cause problems for him by getting in contact, but after sobbing for a week I knew that I had to think of me and not just how everyone else is/would be affected. I promise you I'm not a bitch (never have been, never will be)! I needed to get closure so that is why I did what I did. I don't ever expect to hear from him again... I just want to move on and stop hurting. If I could have him in my life and be totally healed I would choose that but I'm going to stop deluding myself, that would not work. He is the most decent and kind guy I have ever met and they are not an easy find. I regret losing him but I don't regret the growth I have been through in the past 2 years. With him, I wouldn't have experience that.

[Graceful]

I want to thank you so much for your kind words and support. Your post was some seriously sage advice. I read it and reread it. It was incredibly hard to read though. I had to hold back the tears but it was exactly what I needed to hear from a complete stranger!

 

I sent him a final message over facebook this morning explaining that this was it, I was severing contact. I have always somehow hidden my feelings, and I just let them go and poured them into that message. I also asked him to not hate me as I feel that he'll feel like I have a personal vendetta against him, which is obviously not the case. I then went on to block him as I found out that he has a public profile so me deleting him did nothing for me. I've cleared my email accounts of emails related to him and yes I'm still hurting and crying, but deep down I know it's what I should have done but couldn't face the fact that somehow my future didn't include him. How long it will take to feel better about it all, only time will tell.

 

Thank you again

Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

 

Your message really touched my heart, as I am so glad I was able to help, and that you could see that even where I was blunt, I really wanted to help you. I can see that you are truly ready to move forward with your life, and that you are finally putting yourself first.

 

I saw your last post, and I was just so happy for your progress, even in this short time span. And the best thing and the TRUE proof of your love for your ex, is that you really want him to be happy, that you wish him the best and that you can view him, even through you pain, as a treasured part of your life. I love that you can say that now, and to me, that is the absolute proof of your goodness and your forgiveness for anything that may have happened to cause pain.

 

I wish I could tell you when you will really stop hurting, but that's one of life's great mysteries, and little by little, you will notice small changes in how you feel, just the same way as when you are getting over the flu. You have to work your way back to your full healthy self, and you will. Trust me, you will. Take care. Love, Grace