4 1/2 years + 3 1/2 NC=LOSING IT

[Starrlove]

Hey everyone...after reading some posts and seeing the amount of support I decided to join so I could share my story and hopefully gather some insight into what has been a very difficult 4 months for me. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

I was with my ex on/off for 4 1/2 years. The most we ever went without speaking was a month (either he would contact me or I would contact him). The two times I contacted him was when he broked up with me 2 weeks before my sisters wedding and after I cut him off for a month after not wishing me a happy birthday or congratulating my graduating law school, but rather telling me to "enjoy my day."

 

Throughout the years I played the role of gf/best friend/mom/therapist. I would but him things that I thought he would like just because, I was the one that usually paid for everything. I even went to his arraignment and got him an attornery after he got arrested for a DWI and I was the 3:30 am phone call (after he hadn't spoken to me all day the day before). There is so much that I did for him emotionally that towards the end I was worn out and resentful because I wasn't getting the same in return.

 

Everytime we would break up it was always a different excuse. They would range from religious differences, to having too many issues in his life that he needs to resolve before he can commit, to him realizing he was being a half-assed boyfriend and that he needed to grow up.

 

Fast foward to August, everything was going very well up until I told him I couldn't come to his house after work because by the time I got him and then went to him I'd have to turn and go back home. He then asked if our relationship had turned into a relationship of convenience. I already knew where this was headed even after he told me had no intentions of breaking up with me and that he was just telling me how he was feeling. He told me he had some concerns (I.E my parents not liking him (even though he said he understand why they didn't) to him fearing we weren't strong enough). I told him I couldn't be with him while he had these concerns. He then flipped the switch and said we needed a complete break from one another. I told him that was fine. He said we needed to cut of all ties of communication. Again, I said that was fine. To be sure I asked him if this was a break or a break up. His response, and the last thing he said to me was, "consider it a breakup because i can't speak to you until I know this is forever."

 

It's been almost 4 months and neither one of us has said a word to the other. I can't sum up the 4 year relationship in a post but his parting words were so confusing to me. About two weeks ago I was contemplating emailing him. After, reflecting I decided it was my turn to be the jerk for once and decided not to email him. I just thought that after such a long relationship and after all that we've been through he 'd at least ask to see how I was doing.

 

I've tried moving on. I've seen 4 people since him but I just can't get over it. I keep thinking that it's something about ME that he doesnt like whereas everyone sees that he clearly has issues. What do you think? Is 4 months too soon too expect anything from someone that was selfish and took you for granted?

[Starrlove]

Does anyone have any advice for me?

[Graceful]

You said so in your last sentence: he is selfish and took you for granted. The biggest favor he did was finally take the initiative to break up with you, b/c it was clear that there was no future in this r/l for you. It sounds like if you had not taken such good care of him, and always been the "giver" while he was the "taker" and if you had put your foot down sooner, the r/l would have ended sooner.

 

This ship has sailed. He's not a suitable match for you, you should be with someone who will appreciate you for who you are, not for what you do for him. You should be with someone who reciprocates, from what you have described, your ex did not ever do that.

 

I know it hurts, but you had (and have) no future with this man, so please keep moving forward. If you are not ready to date, then don't date. I don't know why people think they have to replace their ex that fast! Be on your own for a while, give yourself the time and space you need to sort things out, what type of man is a more suitable match for you, etc. Don't go jumping into a r/l again until you feel better about yourself, have your self-esteem back, and have a better sense of what you want. Your r/l sounds like it was very lop-sided, and you should seek someone who will be with you 50/50 all the way. Good luck.

ps You were not a jerk for not emailing him in all this time. You have been very, very smart to stay NC with him, and keep it up. You're strong, that's a virtue, that's not being a jerk. Do not contact him.

[Starrlove]

Your r/l sounds like it was very lop-sided, and you should seek someone who will be with you 50/50 all the way. Good luck.

ps You were not a jerk for not emailing him in all this time. You have been very, very smart to stay NC with him, and keep it up. You're strong, that's a virtue, that's not being a jerk. Do not contact him.

 

This is very true. It was never 50/50. There were so many times that he would tell me that he felt bad because he felt like I always giving and he was never giving in return. Numerous times he has said that he was being a half-assed boyfriend....never giving 100%. The thing that irks me is that I don't know if this is just the way he is or if this is just the way he was with me.

 

To be honest I don't even want him to contact me to reconcile I just want that contact so that I can feel as though I meant something after almost 5 years. Granted, I have not gone out of my way to contact him but by the end of the relationship I worn out both emotionally and mentally. I was put on a rollercoaster ride where one day he would love me and the next he would think of some other excuse as to why we couldn't be together. Why he wasted 5 years of my life is beyond. Even when I told him that I was not going to plead with him to stay with me he told me that I didn't need to plead him to do anything that he was with me for all this time for a reason. What that reason is I'll never know.

 

I hope one day karma comes to bite him in the ass.

[Graceful]

He won't change or be different with someone else. He may start out differently, as most relationships do, but when he gets comfortable, he will fall back on the same behavior.

 

Perhaps a better type of person for him is someone who will call him on his behavior and not let him get away with being so selfish, or she will walk. You never did. That might scare him, but that's speculation. He also might ditch a woman like that, b/c he doesn't want the hassle. But he won't change. He will find another woman who will put up with him, but may not be as good to him as you were, b/c he sounds like he has low self-esteem and may not think he deserves someone to be good to him.

 

It wasn't you. But you need someone who will reciprocate so you feel appreciated. You're the type of person who is always looking for ways to make someone happy, and you need to find someone who wants to do the same FOR YOU. You need to find out how nice that feels.

 

I understand how you feel. My ex replaced me very fast and it nearly killed me. I thought he must have changed, too. But he didn't. He found someone who was a much better match for him (she's a doormat, I am not). It's very transparent once you see it. They don't change.

[cerridwen]

Starrlove, he sucks.

 

I know you know this but I just had to vent a little. Sorry.

 

You've described a terribly selfish and self-centered person in your post. You've written about the lousy and inconsiderate things he's done.

You've talked about how he didn't mention (let alone celebrate) your birthday--and how he admits to being a half-a$$ed boyfriend.

 

Yet you then write "after all that we've been through [i thought] he'd at least ask to see how I was doing." What in his previous behavior gave you THAT idea? This guy is a jerk. He has shown that to you time and time again. What would BE amazing is if he actually broke character and DID ask how you were doing!

 

You sound like a successful and caring person in need of the validation of someone who is neither thing. I don't wish this guy to have that power over you and waste any more of your time. Do you think you can bring yourself to look at what's going on within you that you need approval from this---person?

Edited November 28, 2010 by cerridwen

[Starrlove]

Graceful-In the beginning I would let him get away with things but i after I cut him off for two weeks and he said that I was right, that I deserved more of him I started putting my foot down. Anytime I would say something he would call be confrontational or aggressive. He thought I would love to pick fights. He was just very good at turning things around on me. And the weirdest part of it all is that he loved that I was a strong woman just not when that strength was geared towards him. I remember him telling me that I didn't need to be so independent. I truly feel he felt as though he had nothing to offer me which saddens me because all I ever wanted was to be appreciated.

 

Cerridwen-You are 100% right. I am looking for validation to know that the past 4 1/2 years were not a waste. That I meant something. I know deep down that he will not find anyone that treated him or cared about him the way that I did. But I also think that this boy does not know what he wants for/from himself let alone from anyone else. I mean, who the hell breaks up with someone after saying they had no intentions to and then says "I can't talk to you until I know this is forever." The one thing I constantly think about when I replay those words is that he sounds like he has a grass is greener on the other side mentality.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I never knew him at all. Maybe he is just a sad individual with serious issues that I need to feel sorry for instead of making excuses for.

[Fern]

Try doing something that helped me.

 

Think about what it is that you miss from this relationship (my ex was really affectionate when he was in the mood and I miss the cuddles he used to give me more than words can say).

 

Now think about the price you paid for that/those sweet and lovely moments (no sex, constant negativity, being put down, walking on eggshells around him, supporting him financially and emotionally for zero thanks).

 

The price is not worth paying. Take your time and think about why your self-esteem is so low or why you are so afraid of being alone that you were willing to put up with this kind of treatment? I'm doing the same thing. I'm 4 months out too and mine has already moved onto a new victim - another body blow to my already fragile ego. But I'm trying to remember - I'm not to blame for his actions. He chose to treat me the way he treated me. What I'm to blame for is letting him get away with it.

 

Stay strong.

[AlisaMarie]

Try doing something that helped me.

 

Think about what it is that you miss from this relationship (my ex was really affectionate when he was in the mood and I miss the cuddles he used to give me more than words can say).

 

Now think about the price you paid for that/those sweet and lovely moments (no sex, constant negativity, being put down, walking on eggshells around him, supporting him financially and emotionally for zero thanks).

 

The price is not worth paying. Take your time and think about why your self-esteem is so low or why you are so afraid of being alone that you were willing to put up with this kind of treatment? I'm doing the same thing. I'm 4 months out too and mine has already moved onto a new victim - another body blow to my already fragile ego. But I'm trying to remember - I'm not to blame for his actions. He chose to treat me the way he treated me. What I'm to blame for is letting him get away with it.

 

Stay strong.

I just wanted to say that reading this thread has really helped me with my situation too. It sounds like our exes all have similar personalities. I loved how you called his new girl a victim. That's classic! The control, the hurt, the uncertainty, yeah... it was never there when we first got together, then the monster is revealed after time. Let it be someone else's problem! I am feeling better... but it's only been 3 days NC for me... longest I went before either of us caved is two weeks. After 2 weeks I am going to start wondering why he hasn't "checked up on me," but I will just post here and get it out!

[dollface07]

Darling Starlove,

 

You wont be able to accept this right now but this incident with you Ex will be the beginning of your new emotional/spiritual birth as an independent healthy individual released from the terrible taking you for granted dark shadow that you had previously been so accustomed to that you just accepted as normal. well now you are establishing a new level of normal in your life without you Ex; and just as a woman feels birthing pangs to deliver her new life...your experiencing these same birthing pangs on an emotional level to give birth to a new complete and self-sufficient you. i am speaking from my personal experience because after reading your post i could see striking parallels on many levels between your actions and my own in previous relationships.

 

Now you should try to remain patient and experience all of these emotions completely don't make any mistake to try to numb them with drugs/alcohol/rebounds etc as this will only delay your ability to face everything and work independently reconcile everything within yourself about all that has taken place in these previous long and tumultuous years of uncertainty.

 

the only certain thing now is that you are growing and will eventually enter a new stage in your life of inner peace and decisiveness about who you are and what you truly deserve...only you can choose if you will facilitate this development or prolong it by resisting the NC period and radically accepting that the ending of this is the best for you personally deep down inside you really know it is...it's just scary to 100% believe it since the uncertainty is unnerving. just embrace the uncertainty because that will at least have a chance of bringing you happiness as opposed to staying in the same cycle with the Ex that you already know and have tested over and over again by investing so much of yourself to end up with the knowledge that if you won't embrace this uncertainty then you can be certain your interactions with the Ex will only be more of the same misery. you have to believe that you deserve better and to get better you MUST stand still alone with only yourself to reinforce all of this.

 

smiles,

dollface

[Starrlove]

Fern-thanks for the advice! I've been trying to figure out why my self-esteem is so low. When i'm being rational I know that i'm attractive, succesful, smart, funny and have alot to offer. When I think about him being with someone else I start thinking that i'm not good enough. That there had to be SOMETHING about ME that he didn't like.

 

dollface-thank you as well for your input. What's scary is that everyone has said the same thing you've said. You've been mistreated for so long that you've accepted it as being normal. I never thought of it as an emotional rebirth but seeing myself now, 4 months later, I know that I'm a different person emotionally. I know to never put anyone before me until and unless I get the same that I give in return. I have zero patience for selfishness. I can spot it a mile away now. It's a great thing to experience but I had that someone I loved, and still love, could turn me into someone I no longer recognize.

 

Does anyone have any insight as to him saying "I can't speak to you until I know that this is forever." It almost sounds like G.I.G.S. to me but I wanted to see what others think.

[AlisaMarie]

Does anyone have any insight as to him saying "I can't speak to you until I know that this is forever." It almost sounds like G.I.G.S. to me but I wanted to see what others think.

I translate that as "wait for me and don't move on until I decide of I want you or not."

Yes, gigs. What do you think "Maybe the future will hold something for us together?" I still love you and can't let you go... but just can't let you in.

 

I hate these open ended phrases!

[deuces]

Try doing something that helped me.

 

Think about what it is that you miss from this relationship (my ex was really affectionate when he was in the mood and I miss the cuddles he used to give me more than words can say).

 

Now think about the price you paid for that/those sweet and lovely moments (no sex, constant negativity, being put down, walking on eggshells around him, supporting him financially and emotionally for zero thanks).

 

The price is not worth paying. Take your time and think about why your self-esteem is so low or why you are so afraid of being alone that you were willing to put up with this kind of treatment? I'm doing the same thing. I'm 4 months out too and mine has already moved onto a new victim - another body blow to my already fragile ego. But I'm trying to remember - I'm not to blame for his actions. He chose to treat me the way he treated me. What I'm to blame for is letting him get away with it.

 

Stay strong.

 

Wow, those were some serious words of wisdom. Thank you for sharing!

Stay strong Starrlove! I am slowly trying to escape a similar situation and it takes some serious strength to not get sucked back in! Know your worth!

[Starrlove]

Wow, those were some serious words of wisdom.

Stay strong Starrlove! I am slowly trying to escape a similar situation and it takes some serious strength to not get sucked back in! Know your worth!

 

Same to you! It def. is the hardest thing i've had to do emotionally. There are days when I'm fine and days where I don't think about it at all then I remember and my stomach drops to the floor. On/off relationships are like crack..you know they are bad for you but you'll do anything to get one last chance at it.

[deuces]

Same to you! It def. is the hardest thing i've had to do emotionally. There are days when I'm fine and days where I don't think about it at all then I remember and my stomach drops to the floor. On/off relationships are like crack..you know they are bad for you but you'll do anything to get one last chance at it.

 

Sorry for the late reply! I was kind of making myself sick going on here every night so I tried to give it a break but I'm back so obviously that did not last long! lol. Anyway, yeah it's like a bad roller coaster ride that you just so desperately want to get off but it feels like it's out of your control. And I know EXACTLY what you mean! I find myself thinking why in the world do I miss her so much when we fought all the time, didn't have great communication, lost the trust, I couldn't depend on her, and to top it off were not even in the same country! But at the end of the day, it's hard to tell your heart how to feel... I miss her with every fiber of my being... How is it going for you?

[DragonSlave49]

I don't at all agree with what some people said about people like him being monsters, unable to change, etc. He doesn't sound like a monster to me, just a typical guy.

 

The world isn't black and white, it isn't always someone's fault.

 

You said you were his therapist, supported him, etc. but it seems to me that the investment didn't pay off. In the end, I think you can only blame him if you think he was deliberately using you. But to me, it seems more likely that he never had the life skills that he would have needed to avoid leaning on you for support. I think the best way to find closure is probably to forgive and forget, to accept the loss. Focus on the good times you had with him.

 

I say this because the process of judging people hides the fact that our lives are largely determined by factors out of our control. People get DWIs because they have to drive to the bar. People depend on others financially because there aren't enough jobs. People fight and suffer through terrible relationships because our society has such ineffective rituals for meeting potential romantic partners, lack of support from friends during relationship troubles, etc. We are mere pawns in the game of life.

[Starrlove]

Sorry for the late reply! I was kind of making myself sick going on here every night so I tried to give it a break but I'm back so obviously that did not last long! lol. Anyway, yeah it's like a bad roller coaster ride that you just so desperately want to get off but it feels like it's out of your control. And I know EXACTLY what you mean! I find myself thinking why in the world do I miss her so much when we fought all the time, didn't have great communication, lost the trust, I couldn't depend on her, and to top it off were not even in the same country! But at the end of the day, it's hard to tell your heart how to feel... I miss her with every fiber of my being... How is it going for you?

 

I'm actually doing much better. I've accepted that i'll probably never hear from him again nor will I get the explanation I think that I deserve. I guess i'm just used to most of my ex's coming back at some point even to just see how i'm doing. And these were ex's that I was with for far fewer than 5 years. I doubt I will ever forgive him for what he did to me emotionally and mentally during those years and his cold behavior thereafter. But like my sister always said to me "If a man (or woman) can live without you there were never meant to be in the first place."

 

I really just thought he'd have the decency to at least see how I'm doing but his silence just shows me he could care less. It's been my choice to be miserable for almost 5 months and i'm sick of doing this to myself.

 

Apparently, he's seeing some girl that lives in chicago (we're in NY) and she is a total troll. I've seen pictures. No effort for 5 years but then he does the long distance thing? It makes zero sense to me. ZERO.

 

Hope you're doing better! And just think that one day we will meet someone that loves us the way we loved them. I'm ok being on my own for now, figuring out what I want and taking care of me for a change.

[Kowaco]

I really just thought he'd have the decency to at least see how I'm doing but his silence just shows me he could care less. It's been my choice to be miserable for almost 5 months and i'm sick of doing this to myself.

 

 

Starrlove, I'm in that position with my ex gf, we broke up but fought again when we started talking again. If you BF emailed you or called you to show you that the 5 years meant something "What would you like him to say" I care about my ex gf but sometimes an email to her just gets me an angry response.

[Starrlove]

Starrlove, I'm in that position with my ex gf, we broke up but fought again when we started talking again. If you BF emailed you or called you to show you that the 5 years meant something "What would you like him to say" I care about my ex gf but sometimes an email to her just gets me an angry response.

 

At this point, I don't want him to say anything because the person I thought he was isn't the person that he really is. I know, now, as hard it is to admit that he'll never contact me and if he were to I'd say nothing in return. I would mirror his level of care and give him what he gave me. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

[LifeIsGreat]

What do you think? Is 4 months too soon too expect anything from someone that was selfish and took you for granted?

 

Well, you already said he was so selfish and the relationship one side (I have been in one of those). So what are you expecting? An apology? It won't happen, so please don't wait for it. Just be glad he's not contacting you since it makes it easier to move on. Even if he did contact you, I can assure you he would say something that just made you feel worse. After about 2 months, my ex sent me an email telling me sometimes she misses me, but then went on to rehash an incident that happened just before we broke up (she did the 'breaking'). It just made me realize how she would NEVER be able to take responsibility for her own actions and EVERYTHING would ALWAYS be my fault. It just made me a little angry, and it made it easy for me to not even reply.

 

How have you seen pics of his new gf? Do yourself a favor, and stay away from FB and don't ask mutual friends about him.

[9Lives]

At this point, I don't want him to say anything because the person I thought he was isn't the person that he really is. I know, now, as hard it is to admit that he'll never contact me and if he were to I'd say nothing in return. I would mirror his level of care and give him what he gave me. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

 

My ex of a off and on r/l of 5 years was exactly like yours and I was you. I am 4 months out r/l and I stopped him from giving me crumbs(how you doing texts) about 2 months ago.

 

My ex is exactly like yours to a total science that it is scary. What you and I have to realize for ourselves is....this is not love. You dont give and give and give and get nothing back of substance to keep a rel alive. the reason this is so hard is because you invested everything like I did. It takes a long time to get over something like this but like one other poster said....it has been a rebirthing for me. I will never experience something like that again but I guess I had to know that experience. I HATED IT!!!!! :mad:

 

Nothing is what a text or call would bring you. My ex was very selfish too and still is Im sure. Yes I still think about him all the time but Im no longer willing to be treated in that manner any more. It was horrible.

 

My ex could flip it back on me too. He was wishy washy too. He was everything your ex was. I had no peace. I was unhappy. I didnt like myself. I felt so bad.

 

He did go and get another chic. I had to deal with that too. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss.

 

Let the emotions pass

I brought myself a ring that says, this too shall pass. I wear it on my pointer finger which signifies direction=forward ahead. I rub it with when i feel those strong feelings come on me ....they will come. It is my way of coping with the horrible feelings of the loss. It gives me comfort. It soothes me when Im out and about and I feel those feelings of missing him or whatever.

 

I wont let anyone in this entire world treat me like that again. I wont. Being single now is a blessing. Im peaceful, Im happy, Im getting me back more and more. Im loving it.

 

Being with him, I probably would be unhappy somewhere cause I wouldnt be getting what I needed from a man I love.

 

dont look back. Dont worry about why his selfish ass didnt say anything. He will get his one day.

 

In the meantime, you have change how you love. this is not love. ...this is stupidity. Is he thinking about you? Yes but he still cares more about himself than you. He is selfish...self self self!!!

 

Im here for you.

[Starrlove]

9Lives-It's comforting to know that I am not alone in this. After almost 5 months have passed since I last spoke to him I truly realize that I put him up on a pedestal he never deserved to be placed upon. He was selfish, manipultive, arrogant and ruthless. Like your ex, he could be 100% in the wrong but somehow I was always the one apologizing. I am so grateful to not have to walk on eggshells anymore or worry about the next time he's going to break up with me on a whim (which is what all his breakups were as the excuses never made any rational sense). And to be honest...I know, deep down, that he knows he wronged me and probably doesn't even know what to say to me and I'm ok with that because, like I said, even if he did reach out to me I wouldn't respond at this point. I kept asking why me? what did I do to deserve this? And i realized I was part of the problem. I let it go on for too long, he knew he could come and go as he pleased. I didn't value myself enough to walk away for fear of losing HIM. But from losing him I found myself. I thank god for the relationship because I can spot the warning signs a mile away and have become a much stronger and confident person. I wish him luck with this new dog of his. I feel for her for I can guarantee that he did not change in 5 months. Thank you for your kinds words

 

LifeisGreat-I know what you mean about the other person not being able to take responsibility for their actions. It's maddening and makes you want to rip your hair out. He would apologize for things but would always followup with a "but." He's immature and lost and until he can figure out what HE wants from life he'll never be able to figure out what he wants from another person.

 

To anyone out there reading this, that is miserable, hopeless, etc. just know that all this pain and grief is worth it. You don't think so now but you will come out a much different person. A stronger, more confident and more AWARE person. Never let someone define your worth. Live life and enjoy it. Never let another person have the power to bring you down. There was a life before him or her and, trust me, there will be a life after.

[9Lives]

9Lives-It's comforting to know that I am not alone in this. After almost 5 months have passed since I last spoke to him I truly realize that I put him up on a pedestal he never deserved to be placed upon. He was selfish, manipultive, arrogant and ruthless. Like your ex, he could be 100% in the wrong but somehow I was always the one apologizing. I am so grateful to not have to walk on eggshells anymore or worry about the next time he's going to break up with me on a whim (which is what all his breakups were as the excuses never made any rational sense). And to be honest...I know, deep down, that he knows he wronged me and probably doesn't even know what to say to me and I'm ok with that because, like I said, even if he did reach out to me I wouldn't respond at this point. I kept asking why me? what did I do to deserve this? And i realized I was part of the problem. I let it go on for too long, he knew he could come and go as he pleased. I didn't value myself enough to walk away for fear of losing HIM.

 

This is was a big problem for me too. Pitiful! I blamed myself for alot of the goings on too cause I let him get away with things I should not have. I was so inlove with him and I really didnt think he would leave me for good. He did. I have never been treated in the manner I was treated by him. But it was my fault to a certain extent.

 

But from losing him I found myself. I thank god for the relationship because I can spot the warning signs a mile away and have become a much stronger and confident person. I wish him luck with this new dog of his. I feel for her for I can guarantee that he did not change in 5 months. Thank you for your kinds words

 

It dont take me long at all either. My friends and family dont understand why Im happy as a single person right now. They dont understand how deeply hurt and unhappy I was for years dealing with this rel. I love him and wanted him but i was on a constant rollercoaster. To this day, I am also guarded even with girlfriends. I let one of them go cause she was part of that pain too. Im glad I did. She said she was helpful but she wasnt.

 

Now nobody gets to walk all over me. Nada!! friends, family, men, dates, nobody! Im truly my best friend and I can stand alone. Im a eagle. Standing tall, strong, beautiful, wiser, and ready to fk u up if you try to tear me down. Im not giving myself away to anyone. Im not saying Im not open to dating or love. Im just different. I have met several guys that want a serious rel with me. I just look at them like they are crazy cause I see pain instead of good love for some reason. I guess I still need time to heal.

 

To anyone out there reading this, that is miserable, hopeless, etc. just know that all this pain and grief is worth it. You don't think so now but you will come out a much different person. A stronger, more confident and more AWARE person. Never let someone define your worth. Live life and enjoy it. Never let another person have the power to bring you down. There was a life before him or her and, trust me, there will be a life after.

 

Well, I was glad I could help you for real. I lived this and I am very happy to help you thru it in any way I can. You are bigger than this. You didnt deserve this. You will overcome this. You will be happy again completely. HIS LOSS!!!!