myname Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Agree 100%. Though I understand a lot of people view the the marital issues and the cheating are one and the same...I don't. Are they related.... yes. Is it causal....possibly. Is it an excuse....never. I believe that if marital issues cause one partner to cheat, then those same marital issues should have caused both partners to cheat. You are so right how we chose to deal with those issues is what makes the difference. I chose other destructive behaviors...mostly to myself but some directed at him and others. He chose to help bring down 2 family units:eek: In his eyes(and I assume hers)it was all okay because they were feeling "whatever" they told themselves to make it okay. It was always there for them both(as proven by previous behavior I found out after the fact). For me drinking was always there and I chose that as one of my coping mechanisms. I was in the same bad marriage. I was emotionally and mentally abused by him too. Why (and I would love to conduct a study on this if I believed people would really tell the truth)didn't I cheat, why didn't other people cheat? I think it comes down to having the inclination and the opportunity coming together at the same time. Having talked with MM he had the inclination often within his marriage to cheat but that inclination only became acted upon when he also had the opportunity matching it. Many people might be inclined to cheat but don't get the opportunity, others get the opportunity but not the inclination. And of course the opportunity has to come in the form of someone who you're inclined towards too. Just a thought.
bentnotbroken Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I think it comes down to having the inclination and the opportunity coming together at the same time. Having talked with MM he had the inclination often within his marriage to cheat but that inclination only became acted upon when he also had the opportunity matching it. Many people might be inclined to cheat but don't get the opportunity, others get the opportunity but not the inclination. And of course the opportunity has to come in the form of someone who you're inclined towards too. Just a thought. Why assume everyone doesn't get the opportunity? I would bet money all BS will say they did have the opportunity and made the choice not to go there. Temptation is available to all who wish to participate, it isn't limited to some. But you are right about those who have the inclination(not a passing thought when pissed) but a thought that is entertained, fantasized about and nurtured. That in my opinion is the difference between those who do and those who don't.
Breezy Trousers Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) My girlfriend's husband left their 18 year marriage for a younger employee. She still says, "How could she do that to me?!" I always smile and say, "She wasn't even thinking about you, silly!" Well ... maybe later. The woman ended up leaving my friend's husband in the 4th year. She saw he wasn't such a great catch after all. I've been cheated on in my marriage. I also nearly cheated two years ago when presented with a powerful temptation at work. So I write from this perspective. I never blamed the OW for my husband's two affairs. Frankly, I assumed both OW had to be incredibly self-absorbed to cross boundaries and have an affair with my husband, so they clearly didn't care about me at all. However, they didn't make the comittment to me. My husband did. So that's who I blamed. Both instances involved single, divorced women with one child who were struggling financially! I suspect each OW thought she could get my husband to leave me for them and that life would be happily ever after. My husband -- later, in SA -- confessed he suspected that, too, and took advantage of that! ... Yuck! ... When I showed my husband to the door on each occasion (in 1996 and 2001, respectively), he threw both women under the bus. I felt the OW were naive to throw themselves away like that, but oh well! That was the risk they took. However, I was furious at my husband for exploiting them for sex and lying to all of us. (Yes, he lied about me to them. He told one of the OW -- a "friend" -- that we didn't have sex!) I, for one, would have been open to a discussion of opening our marriage as long as it was honest and equal. However, being married to a liar and manipulator is what infuriated me, not the sex. I was ready to walk, and he knew it. My husband has since said that affairs are very intoxicating -- really, an altered state. He has been in SA since 2001 and we've had lots of therapy and healing since. It's been 9 years with no affairs -- that I'm aware of. I no longer assume I know everything that goes on in a relationship. That illusion was destroyed for me in 1997 when I learned of the first affair. (It still annoys that I will never be wholly innocent and trusting in relationships, now, and I didn't have an affair, but my husband will have no such trust issues -- and he did! No fair!) I was NEVER to blame for my husband's choice to have the affair. No one is perfect in a marriage, least of all me or my husband. It's easy to have an affair and look wonderful and exciting in comparison to the dowdy spouse --- after all, every night is a Broadway opening! The secrecy only heightens the excitement. (In a way, the affair NEEDS the cuckold to keep the excitement going. That's why D Day is such a bust.) ... No marriage can compete with the heightened excitement of an affair. Marriage is based upon reality, not delusional hormones. And I think, deep down, the MM or MW knows that, which is why you don't see them jumping the fence for the OM/OW as often as you might imagine ... Susan Cheever, in her memoir "Desire" wrote about her affairs with MM. She actually got all men to leave their spouses and families for her --- quite rare statistically! But she said that, after four years, the marriages began to look very much like her first marriage. The excitement waned and pretty soon no one was looking up from the newspaper. Those marriages, like most 2nd/3rd marriages, ended in divorce for her. That tends to be the reality of it, without lots of awareness. And I doubt people who have affairs are highly aware. I wasn't in 2008 when I was tempted! And you know what? I was too self-absorbed and flattered by this powerful MM's attentions to think about his poor wife and still a bit resentful toward my husband for his past affairs, I guess. The wife never occurred to me. Ugh! I even sized her up! I saw them together shortly before he approached me, and I concluded they had a distant marriage because they didn't talk --- in fact, he wouldn't look at her. So I rationalized my attraction to him. Now that I know how abusive he is, I realize he was giving that poor woman the silent treatment to control her ... Anyway, I didn't know how dangerously naive I was two years ago. Then, I thought I was "special" to that man because he didn't have a reputation for fooling around. I now know he was attracted to my vulnerability. Thankfully, I resisted having an affair with him for many reasons, but Lord, it was tough! However, in time, I gradually began to see that the man was frighteningly disturbed. Seriously. DISTURBED. He wears a glossy mask that fools many people, except those he targets. I now pray for his wife every day. He has since moved on to another target -- a vulnerable co-worker. Obviously, I wasn't that special. His wife isn't that special, either. I'm sure his target believes she is special and feels incredibly lucky, but she will find out soon enough that only HE is special and how incredibly unlucky she is --- even if she gets him to leave his wife! (I pray for her, too!) He's an abusive narcissist who cannot emotionally connect and uses affairs for attention and free sex. He's profoundly damaged. But he's charming, rich, powerful and has a great reputation (for now!) ... If I had an affair with him, I have no doubt it would have destroyed my life and soul. But I didn't know that in 2008. And I certainly wasn't thinking about his wife or children, which I'm embarrassed to admit today. (I WAS thinking about my husband -- how could I lie to him after having sex with a MM? So I couldn't. But it also made me more angry to realize that, in the past, he could!) ... Anyway, I have much more awareness and compassion today, and I would not have had this without this temptation experience. I hope my experience helps here. Edited December 4, 2010 by Breezy Trousers
Recommended Posts