Els Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 There's no such thing as perfectly right. There's compatible or project. That's exactly what I mean.
Els Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 From the way you formed the OP and even the title, as well as your posts thereafter, I thought you were single and lonely. Turns out, I was wrong! So, to answer your own question: "Is it reasonable to expect love and happiness?" Sure is, looks like you already have it! Yeah, I thought so too. What is the purpose of the thread then?
Sanman Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 You aren't restricted to just one friend though. You aren't announcing to the world "This is who I chose". They won't be the parent of your child. You won't have to live with them every single day, and most importantly, there are no standards for looks because you won't be sleeping with them. Friends are a lot different from spouses - you would expect your spouse to be better than your friends for all those reasons. I agree though - maybe some people's standards are too high. So what if the guy who chooses me is violent, cheating, or just plain unattractive? There's no way you can be happy with someone if they're not a good person who treats you well. You can't choose to be happy if you haven't been lucky enough to meet someone decent enough to be happy with. There are standards for looks, but those are subjective. While friends can be different from partners. They should not be too different. I choose my friends the same way I choose my partners as I age. I simply ask the question "Is this person a positive or negative influence in my life?" The positives stay and the negatives go. The physical is important, but the truth is that looks will fade over the course of a lifetime. Of course you shouldn't be abused by a partner (or anyone for that matter). Outside of that, you should find a compromise that works for you rather than the perfect fit. The difference between a compatible and non-compatible relationship is whether you can live with the person's compromises/imperfections or if you cannot. You mentioned being treated badly by those you where attracted to and using others to whom you were not physically attracted. It sounds to me as if you were fluctuating between those well below your proverbial 'level' dating-wise (forgive the terminology) and those well above it. Perhaps you have finally found someone at your level. As I look at those around me, most of the successful relationships I see are those with similar goals/interests/lifestyles. If rather than going for safety or physical attractiveness, you pick someone more compatible with who you are (not who you fancy yourself, but who you really are) than you should be happier. Hopefully, this is what you have done with the current bf.
Els Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Of course you shouldn't be abused by a partner (or anyone for that matter). Outside of that, you should find a compromise that works for you rather than the perfect fit. The difference between a compatible and non-compatible relationship is whether you can live with the person's compromises/imperfections or if you cannot. Yes, this.
ConstantCraving Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 The problem is, most women find good guys boring and they leave them for bad boys who are a lot more fun. I had my good guy and bad boy phases and women were crazy about me when I had that "I don't care" attitude. The trouble was, I genuinely didn't care and I never gave them a chance, all I wanted was to have fun. Now after 9 years of being good and faithful guy I'm back in my "bad boy" phase and I can already feel increased interest from opposite sex. Most women want to have their cake and eat it too, you need to sort that out in your head first. For instance, one of the reasons my ex thought I became boring is because I didn't wanna go to clubs anymore. For me, clubs are interesting only for hooking up with girls, and since I had no interest in hook ups clubs were boring for me. She's surprised now that I go to clubs and all sorts of stuff, but hey, now I'm single right? Oh snap! I can definitely relate to that. Loving a woman and treating her well is pretty easy. But can I keep her entertained? Not a hope in hell.
dispatch3d Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Oh I have met some decent guys, but (and I know this isn't nice) I was so badly hurt and lonely that I dated them because they seemed trustworthy and kind, not because there was any real attraction. They were usually the kind of quiet, overweight, nerdy guys who have a kind soul, and who were so thrilled to have a girlfriend that they would never dream of messing me about. On those occasions we ended up having a passionless relationship and eventually splitting amicably. I can't deny they were lovely people though; we were just never going to have a physical relationship, and some of them weren't even really my type personality-wise either. On the few occasions when I've had a proper relationship with someone I was actually interested in, they always did the dirty on me, either cheating, lying, being violent, dumping me for an ex after a couple of months, stringing me along just for sex but not really relating to me, etc. Until I met my current bf, I never dated anyone who I was attracted to and who also treated me kindly. lol uhhh so this is the reason why it took you so long to find a guy you liked. You are physically attracted to *******s and not physically attracted to nice guys. Not surprisingly, the *******s treated you ****ty..... I mean it's kinda not surprising at all that you didn't find the right guy until a lot of dating happened.
Author Eeyore79 Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Yeah, I thought so too. What is the purpose of the thread then? While I currently have a boyfriend who seems really nice, there's no guarantee that our relationship will last. In fact, given my history I pretty much don't expect it to last, since nothing I am happy with ever lasts for very long. This makes me incredibly jealous of people who have a happy and lasting relationship, particularly people my age who have already racked up several years with the same partner and are pretty much secure in their relationship. It sounds to me as if you were fluctuating between those well below your proverbial 'level' dating-wise (forgive the terminology) and those well above it. Perhaps you have finally found someone at your level. It depends how you classify "below" and "above". I dated a guy who was extremely compatible personality-wise, but who wasn't physically attractive and had no education or ambition in life. I dated a very educated guy who was utterly boring. I dated a guy who was kind and compatible, but who had boatloads of baggage and was financially supporting two ex-wives and three kids. Were these men "below my level", or simply incompatible with what I want in a partner? I loved a guy who was short, fat and balding, with little education, but he was very ambitious and I liked his personality a lot - was he above my level because he didn't love me back? I'm not sure anyone is "above" or "below" my level - there are just some traits that I find attractive and others that turn me off.
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I'm 34 and have never been in a long term relationship. I would say I am extremely envious, not jealous, of people who have found their soulmate. It's something that I strive for and I will not give up searching for. I've had a number of near-misses in recent years and I can't help thinking that my bad luck must end soon.
Els Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 While I currently have a boyfriend who seems really nice, there's no guarantee that our relationship will last. In fact, given my history I pretty much don't expect it to last, since nothing I am happy with ever lasts for very long. This makes me incredibly jealous of people who have a happy and lasting relationship, particularly people my age who have already racked up several years with the same partner and are pretty much secure in their relationship. Now, see, you're just being ungrateful and assuming that other people have it better. :/ Truth is, NO relationship is ever guaranteed to last, not even if you've been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. As for you NOT expecting yours to last for that reason... self-fulfilling prophecy, aye?
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