Eeyore79 Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I know this is just pure jealousy, but I am really annoyed by those people who met a great partner early in life and just stayed with them. My colleague at work just had a baby with his wife - they're both 28 and have been dating since college. My cousin and her husband have also been together since college and got married this year. My friend has been with the same girl since the age of 18, and they're now married and still blissfully happy. My other colleague has been with his wife since they were 15, and my neighbour (age 28) just celebrated her tenth wedding anniversary! It really makes me jealous, and then I get annoyed about being jealous - I'm not usually a jealous person, but it seems so unfair. I'm a decent attractive person, equally as decent as the other people mentioned above, but while they have spouses and families, I live alone and have nobody. I'm lucky enough to have a nice boyfriend now, but I was in my thirties before he came along, and there's no guarantee that things will work out. I wish I had met someone nice when I was in my teens, and I would happily have stayed with him. I never wanted to date around, or sleep around - I just wanted one nice guy to love and be loved by. It seems so unfair that some people get to have that, and other people just get heartbreak after heartbreak, to the point where they're so insecure and unhappy that they're hardly even capable of the type of loving and trusting relationship they originally wanted I'm beginning to think we've all been raised with unreasonable expectations; nobody ever said life was fair, but we all seem to expect that eventually we'll meet someone who is right for us, and have a happy relationship with that person. But is it reasonable for us all to expect to have the type of relationship we see the lucky few enjoying?
Els Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 (edited) I think most people can expect to meet someone somewhat-right sometime in their life, at least. However, I do think many people's expectations are too high. They aren't just content with someone somewhat-right. He also has to fit a laundry list of criteria, and he isn't allowed any significant flaws or large mistakes. Too many people are too eager to dump someone with potential at the drop of the hat, because they are all told that they 'deserve' better. But really, is there ever such a thing in life? The laws of nature and society do not care what we 'deserve'. The only thing that matters is what we make of life and relationships for ourselves. I personally feel I have pretty much that sort of R with my bf - sure, I can't presume to know whether we'll last a lifetime or not, and sure, our relationship isn't anywhere close to perfect. But it makes me happy most of the time, and that's what matters to me. Yet, if I had dumped him each time someone here had suggested it, we would've been broken up probably 3 times over... and I probably wouldn't have that sort of relationship now. I don't believe such things are easy to come by. Edited November 27, 2010 by Elswyth
EasyHeart Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I know a lot of people like the ones you describe. And guess what? By the time they hit 40, more than half were divorced or having affairs and maintaining the illusion of marriage "for the kids". There's no formula for happiness. We just play the hand we're dealt and try to make good decisions. The best advice I ever got was to appreciate what you have and to not care about what other people have.
Els Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Also, I think you are under the assumption that these people's relationships are all hearts and roses. Even if they truly are happy in their LTR, I'm pretty positive they went through hardship, rocky times, times when each one needed to sacrifice or accept or change... in order to get there. There is no 100% happy-all-the-time relationship.
Stung Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Eeyore, I was about your age when I met my now-husband, and I'm grateful that I didn't meet him when I was younger. I love my life with him so much, but I just know it wouldn't have worked out if we had met when we were just kids. I know a few couples who settled down very young and are still happy, and kudos to them, but the vast majority of the relationships that started back then ended long ago. Personally I needed my twenties to grow and explore, to travel and date. I lived in different countries, I tried on different careers, I battled personal demons in counseling, I sowed some wild oats. I love being settled down now, but if I had gotten married and had kids when I was younger and still finding myself, I think I might have felt suffocated or trapped, I wouldn't have been ready for it. I often look at couples who have been together since their teens and can't help but wonder if they secretly feel bored or cheated out of youthful experiences by settling down too fast. Another way of looking at things.
ConstantCraving Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I know this is just pure jealousy, but I am really annoyed by those people who met a great partner early in life and just stayed with them. My colleague at work just had a baby with his wife - they're both 28 and have been dating since college. My cousin and her husband have also been together since college and got married this year. My friend has been with the same girl since the age of 18, and they're now married and still blissfully happy. My other colleague has been with his wife since they were 15, and my neighbour (age 28) just celebrated her tenth wedding anniversary! It really makes me jealous, and then I get annoyed about being jealous - I'm not usually a jealous person, but it seems so unfair. I'm a decent attractive person, equally as decent as the other people mentioned above, but while they have spouses and families, I live alone and have nobody. I'm lucky enough to have a nice boyfriend now, but I was in my thirties before he came along, and there's no guarantee that things will work out. I wish I had met someone nice when I was in my teens, and I would happily have stayed with him. I never wanted to date around, or sleep around - I just wanted one nice guy to love and be loved by. It seems so unfair that some people get to have that, and other people just get heartbreak after heartbreak, to the point where they're so insecure and unhappy that they're hardly even capable of the type of loving and trusting relationship they originally wanted I'm beginning to think we've all been raised with unreasonable expectations; nobody ever said life was fair, but we all seem to expect that eventually we'll meet someone who is right for us, and have a happy relationship with that person. But is it reasonable for us all to expect to have the type of relationship we see the lucky few enjoying? The thing that worries me is that I don't personally know anyone who is in a happy long term relationship. All the women I've been involved with have had horror stories to share and so have many male friends and aquaintances. I'm not saying that happy couples don't exist, I've just never met any. We don't move in the same social circles.
Woggle Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I actually love hearing about genuinely happy relationships because then I realize my marriage is not some freak of nature.
threebyfate Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I know this is just pure jealousy, but I am really annoyed by those people who met a great partner early in life and just stayed with them. My colleague at work just had a baby with his wife - they're both 28 and have been dating since college. My cousin and her husband have also been together since college and got married this year. My friend has been with the same girl since the age of 18, and they're now married and still blissfully happy. My other colleague has been with his wife since they were 15, and my neighbour (age 28) just celebrated her tenth wedding anniversary! It really makes me jealous, and then I get annoyed about being jealous - I'm not usually a jealous person, but it seems so unfair. I'm a decent attractive person, equally as decent as the other people mentioned above, but while they have spouses and families, I live alone and have nobody. I'm lucky enough to have a nice boyfriend now, but I was in my thirties before he came along, and there's no guarantee that things will work out. I wish I had met someone nice when I was in my teens, and I would happily have stayed with him. I never wanted to date around, or sleep around - I just wanted one nice guy to love and be loved by. It seems so unfair that some people get to have that, and other people just get heartbreak after heartbreak, to the point where they're so insecure and unhappy that they're hardly even capable of the type of loving and trusting relationship they originally wanted I'm beginning to think we've all been raised with unreasonable expectations; nobody ever said life was fair, but we all seem to expect that eventually we'll meet someone who is right for us, and have a happy relationship with that person. But is it reasonable for us all to expect to have the type of relationship we see the lucky few enjoying?I don't understand your entire opening post. It points the finger at everyone else but yourself and yet, you're the only constant in your own life.
Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I actually love hearing about genuinely happy relationships because then I realize my marriage is not some freak of nature. Same here. Eeyore, it would be beneficial to think more like Christopher Robin or Tigger or even Piglet, rather than your namesake.
thatsonlyme Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 The problem is, most women find good guys boring and they leave them for bad boys who are a lot more fun. I had my good guy and bad boy phases and women were crazy about me when I had that "I don't care" attitude. The trouble was, I genuinely didn't care and I never gave them a chance, all I wanted was to have fun. Now after 9 years of being good and faithful guy I'm back in my "bad boy" phase and I can already feel increased interest from opposite sex. Most women want to have their cake and eat it too, you need to sort that out in your head first. For instance, one of the reasons my ex thought I became boring is because I didn't wanna go to clubs anymore. For me, clubs are interesting only for hooking up with girls, and since I had no interest in hook ups clubs were boring for me. She's surprised now that I go to clubs and all sorts of stuff, but hey, now I'm single right?
Sanman Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I think most people can expect to meet someone somewhat-right sometime in their life, at least. However, I do think many people's expectations are too high. They aren't just content with someone somewhat-right. He also has to fit a laundry list of criteria, and he isn't allowed any significant flaws or large mistakes. Too many people are too eager to dump someone with potential at the drop of the hat, because they are all told that they 'deserve' better. But really, is there ever such a thing in life? The laws of nature and society do not care what we 'deserve'. The only thing that matters is what we make of life and relationships for ourselves. I personally feel I have pretty much that sort of R with my bf - sure, I can't presume to know whether we'll last a lifetime or not, and sure, our relationship isn't anywhere close to perfect. But it makes me happy most of the time, and that's what matters to me. Yet, if I had dumped him each time someone here had suggested it, we would've been broken up probably 3 times over... and I probably wouldn't have that sort of relationship now. I don't believe such things are easy to come by. I think that this is very good advice that needs to be repeated. Many of us have friends who are anything but perfect. However, we look past these flaws because they are friends. Yet, when it comes to a partner we are not willing to bend to anything but perfection. Being a good person does not mean you are entitled to love and happiness. Love and happiness are concepts you choose in your life. If you choose to be happy with the person that chooses you, happiness can be had. You often hear people saying that the people that they like don't like them and they don't like the people who like them. What would happen if some of these people accepted the people who liked them and forged a relationship? You can sit here and complain that you are not where others are in life or you can enjoy the boyfriend you have. Even if it does not last, you can look at it as heart break and horror or you can recognize that someone chose to bring love and care into your life, as imperfect and impermanent as it may have been, and that is better than being alone for that period. It is all in your perspective.
Els Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I think that this is very good advice that needs to be repeated. Many of us have friends who are anything but perfect. However, we look past these flaws because they are friends. Yet, when it comes to a partner we are not willing to bend to anything but perfection. Being a good person does not mean you are entitled to love and happiness. Love and happiness are concepts you choose in your life. If you choose to be happy with the person that chooses you, happiness can be had. You often hear people saying that the people that they like don't like them and they don't like the people who like them. What would happen if some of these people accepted the people who liked them and forged a relationship? You can sit here and complain that you are not where others are in life or you can enjoy the boyfriend you have. Even if it does not last, you can look at it as heart break and horror or you can recognize that someone chose to bring love and care into your life, as imperfect and impermanent as it may have been, and that is better than being alone for that period. It is all in your perspective. Thank you. I agree with your post as well, especially the bolded. I do not think that people should get with someone whom they are completely unattracted to though, just in order to have someone. But I think that as long as both parties are attracted to each other in ways deeper than just the superficial, and as long as they are treating each other decently, the relationship deserves a chance, a real chance. So many people blow up such chances because they want to follow rigid rules or expect the partner to conform to predetermined strict expectations that he doesn't even know exist in the first place... and then they say they've never been given a chance. But they have. (Not saying that the OP does this).
threebyfate Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 "Somewhat right" isn't good enough unless you want your relationship to constantly be a work in progress, instead of focusing that energy towards creating a positive life together. "Somewhat right" can get you cheated on or if you're bent that way, you'll cheat. "Somewhat right" can also lead to divorce in the long-term.
Els Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 What begins as 'perfectly right' in one person's eyes can very well lead to all of the above as well. It really is all about perception.
threebyfate Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Sure, anything's possible but the described incidents will happen with greater frequency with "somewhat right". Love isn't nearly enough.
Author Eeyore79 Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) Many of us have friends who are anything but perfect. However, we look past these flaws because they are friends. Yet, when it comes to a partner we are not willing to bend to anything but perfection. You aren't restricted to just one friend though. You aren't announcing to the world "This is who I chose". They won't be the parent of your child. You won't have to live with them every single day, and most importantly, there are no standards for looks because you won't be sleeping with them. Friends are a lot different from spouses - you would expect your spouse to be better than your friends for all those reasons. I agree though - maybe some people's standards are too high. Love and happiness are concepts you choose in your life. If you choose to be happy with the person that chooses you, happiness can be had. So what if the guy who chooses me is violent, cheating, or just plain unattractive? There's no way you can be happy with someone if they're not a good person who treats you well. You can't choose to be happy if you haven't been lucky enough to meet someone decent enough to be happy with. Also, I think you are under the assumption that these people's relationships are all hearts and roses. Even if they truly are happy in their LTR, I'm pretty positive they went through hardship, rocky times, times when each one needed to sacrifice or accept or change... in order to get there. There is no 100% happy-all-the-time relationship. Yeah, but I'd rather work on a relationship and be with someone than be completely alone. I'd rather be happy some of the time as opposed to none of the time. I don't understand your entire opening post. It points the finger at everyone else but yourself and yet, you're the only constant in your own life. I guess I will admit that I wasn't very good at assessing potential partners. I was naive and thought everyone would be as nice and decent as me, had no idea how to identify red flags, and ended up with people who lied, cheated, hit me, etc. I was also very lonely, and wasted time dating some people who I wasn't really into. As I got older I became better at weeding out the losers, but even now I'm easily fooled by someone who pretends to be nice Although you could argue that had Mr Nice/Decent/Trustworthy walked into my life right away, my naivete would have been irrelevant. Edited November 28, 2010 by Eeyore79
Els Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Sure, anything's possible but the described incidents will happen with greater frequency with "somewhat right". Love isn't nearly enough. Most relationships begin as 'perfectly right', but later on there are ups and downs, as per the normal course of a relationship, and you begin to notice flaws (that WILL definitely exist), turning the relationship into somewhat-right. That will inevitably happen with everyone. Too many people leave at the first sign of it, go to another relationship, go through honeymoon phase, same thing happens, leave, rinse and repeat... So what if the guy who chooses me is violent, cheating, or just plain unattractive? There's no way you can be happy with someone if they're not a good person who treats you well. You can't choose to be happy if you haven't been lucky enough to meet someone decent enough to be happy with. Have you never really met someone decent, Eeyore? I truly feel for you if that is the case.
threebyfate Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I guess I will admit that I wasn't very good at assessing potential partners. I was naive and thought everyone would be as nice and decent as me, had no idea how to identify red flags, and ended up with people who lied, cheated, hit me, etc. I was also very lonely, and wasted time dating some people who I wasn't really into. As I got older I became better at weeding out the losers, but even now I'm easily fooled by someone who pretends to be nice Although you could argue that had Mr Nice/Decent/Trustworthy walked into my life right away, my naivete would have been irrelevant.Most of us have experienced the bolded. Sorry to hear about abuse. But you can't take it like "I'm nice and decent and everyone else isn't". We're all composites of good and bad behaviours, where some lean one way and others, the other. These are all learning experiences in life and should be taken as such, instead of taking them as being a victim. Maybe the lesson should be "what have I learned and what changes within myself have I made to ensure that this type of thing doesn't happen to me again" or "how will I circumvent this experience next time?". You're not helpless being buffeted by winds from every direction. YOU have control over your own life. Take charge of it and the jealousy and envy of others will go away.
yah Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Have you never really met someone decent, Eeyore? I truly feel for you if that is the case. I agree. I know people my age (early 20s) who are celebrating 7-10yr anniversaries, getting or got married and already setting up house together. I used to think they must be extremely lucky to have met their partners so early on and not have to go through being alone. Then I thought, its probably a combination of luck and hard work. I know they've all been through some REALLY tough times together and worked through it all. I wasn't able to. I left my first relationship when things got "boring" and left my last ex when I wasn't willing to work hard for it. I'm finally (I think) at a maturity level where I can be in a relationship and be willing to work through the kinks of it.
threebyfate Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Most relationships begin as 'perfectly right', but later on there are ups and downs, as per the normal course of a relationship, and you begin to notice flaws (that WILL definitely exist), turning the relationship into somewhat-right. That will inevitably happen with everyone. Too many people leave at the first sign of it, go to another relationship, go through honeymoon phase, same thing happens, leave, rinse and repeat..."Somewhat right" is a far cry from noticing a few differences. Don't confuse the two.
Els Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 "Somewhat right" is a far cry from noticing a few differences. Don't confuse the two. Is there a more appropriate term for 'less-than-perfectly-right-but-still-good' then?
Author Eeyore79 Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Have you never really met someone decent, Eeyore? I truly feel for you if that is the case. Oh I have met some decent guys, but (and I know this isn't nice) I was so badly hurt and lonely that I dated them because they seemed trustworthy and kind, not because there was any real attraction. They were usually the kind of quiet, overweight, nerdy guys who have a kind soul, and who were so thrilled to have a girlfriend that they would never dream of messing me about. On those occasions we ended up having a passionless relationship and eventually splitting amicably. I can't deny they were lovely people though; we were just never going to have a physical relationship, and some of them weren't even really my type personality-wise either. On the few occasions when I've had a proper relationship with someone I was actually interested in, they always did the dirty on me, either cheating, lying, being violent, dumping me for an ex after a couple of months, stringing me along just for sex but not really relating to me, etc. Until I met my current bf, I never dated anyone who I was attracted to and who also treated me kindly.
Author Eeyore79 Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 But you can't take it like "I'm nice and decent and everyone else isn't". We're all composites of good and bad behaviours, where some lean one way and others, the other. I know that other nice people have also experienced being dumped, lied to, cheated on, etc. I know I'm not unique, and not being singled out by the universe for punishment. I guess I'm just jealous that I'm not one of the lucky ones who met a decent partner early on. Then I thought, its probably a combination of luck and hard work. I know they've all been through some REALLY tough times together and worked through it all. I wasn't able to. I left my first relationship when things got "boring" and left my last ex when I wasn't willing to work hard for it. I'm finally (I think) at a maturity level where I can be in a relationship and be willing to work through the kinks of it. The luck has to come first though, before you even have a relationship to work on. If everyone you're attracted to cheats/lies/dumps you, then your willingness to work hard on a relationship is kind of irrelevant. I would be prepared to do the work, but never had the luck. My current boyfriend is lovely though, so I'm hoping he sticks with me and gives me the opportunity to do that hard work!
threebyfate Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Is there a more appropriate term for 'less-than-perfectly-right-but-still-good' then?There's no such thing as perfectly right. There's compatible or project.
Star Gazer Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Until I met my current bf, I never dated anyone who I was attracted to and who also treated me kindly. From the way you formed the OP and even the title, as well as your posts thereafter, I thought you were single and lonely. Turns out, I was wrong! So, to answer your own question: "Is it reasonable to expect love and happiness?" Sure is, looks like you already have it!
Recommended Posts