What happens when you realize you were the bad guy all along?

[SimonSerenade]

I hope he forgives you, You surely deserve it given your finding's, I wouldn't take all of the blame though, Yes you may of started treating him poorly but you turned nice towards him because of it then he couldn't help himself from being nasty, I know for the last 2 years of my relationship, I was nice as anything as she changed into somebody horrible, A reflection of who I used to be towards her, She then became cold and threw all my love and efforts straight back in my face, Who's to say he didn't do the same?, Two wrong's don't make a right, He should of appreciated the change and welcomed it with open arms, Too much too often we tend to crave control of something that we simply should not want control over, It's human nature unfortunately, Were all guilty of it.

[b_rouse]

Erica I know exactly how you feel; I did the same exact thing to my ex. There's nothing I want more in life than to go back and redo everything, but that's the lesson of life, "You live and you learn."

 

You just have to take this moment here, and your feelings now and grow from them. You weren't a bad guy, you didn't know what you were doing at the time. That's what I keep telling myself.

 

I mean, I got so selfish that when I was driving to his house to comfort him when is grandma died, a spider fell onto my lap. I pulled over and I called him to come help me. When he did (because he was always there for me, he was such a giving person), I made this BIG deal about this LITTLE spider, I was playing victim. In my head it was all about me me me and his feelings didn't really matter. He eventually got mad and left, and sent me a hurtful text message saying, "Thanks for being there when I needed you most."

 

Just thinking about that moment turns my stomach , I'm starting to cry all over again. I can't believe I was THAT selfish to him. The breakup happened a little over a month ago, and I'm glad I'm realizing this now, but I don't know how long it'll take for me to forgive myself. He was nothing but nice and kind and giving to me and I threw him away. He was one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I messed it up.

 

Yes he broke up with me, the main reason being distance, but I know I hurt him, and I kick myself for hurting him. It was never my intention to do so, and I didn't know what I was doing until a couple days ago. But the sad thing, I honestly think the only fault he's done was break up with me, not try to fight for the relationship. The more I think of it, the more I don't really see him doing anything wrong. I just want to apologize to him, which is what I'm going to do over Christmas break when I come home from college. I'll take him out to lunch, or whatever and we'll talk.

[EricaH329]

Awe E, I am sorry to hear you are hurting.

 

Just know that it is natural for people to view things from an opposite perspective, after the relationship has been over for some time. There will be moments you relive in your mind and the mind has a way of viewing those moments differently with subsequent thoughts on how things could have been approached and/or handled differently. I think that realization comes for most, after a major loss. Funny how life works that way.

 

While I do not know all the details concerning your relationship, there does seem to be an extreme shift in your perspective since it ended. What do you think triggered that for you?

 

I recall when you first described your relationship with him, that he let you down quite a bit. So, what's changed, in terms of that? Do you think now that your expectations at the time were unreasonable or unrealistic?

 

Not something you need to answer here, but more so, something to think about for yourself (which it seems like you have already been doing).

 

Jannah I'm always glad to hear from you!

 

I have actually been thinking about everything you have listed. But not in any sort of consistent thought pattern. My mind is all over the place. Going from what I did to him, to what he did to me, to why I did those things, etc. I can't seem to be able to follow my thought process. I think I had realized too much at once. And i'm trying to figure it all out at once and what I need to be doing is taking it one step at a time.

 

What i'm not too sure about, however, is why this happened now. Why all of these realizations occurred 9 months after we broke up. During the 9 months, at different points, i've gone through old letters he had written me, pictures, even some of the same e-mails that led me to all these realizations... and I never once thought differently about our relationship. I'm not sure why it's happening now.

 

I can only be grateful that it is happening, and try to figure out a way to come to terms with it and not allow any of it to happen again. This is going to take much time. I was laying in bed last night, trying to go to sleep, and I had this constant feeling of being ashamed and embarrassed. I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly. Why I was feeling that way. It was like the morning after a really drunk night, the 'morning after embarrassment' But there was no drunk night, and I didn't do anything to make myself feel that way. I can only chalk it up to the fact that I truly feel ashamed, within the very core of my being, for what I have done to him.

 

I hope he forgives you, You surely deserve it given your finding's, I wouldn't take all of the blame though, Yes you may of started treating him poorly but you turned nice towards him because of it then he couldn't help himself from being nasty, I know for the last 2 years of my relationship, I was nice as anything as she changed into somebody horrible, A reflection of who I used to be towards her, She then became cold and threw all my love and efforts straight back in my face, Who's to say he didn't do the same?, Two wrong's don't make a right, He should of appreciated the change and welcomed it with open arms, Too much too often we tend to crave control of something that we simply should not want control over, It's human nature unfortunately, Were all guilty of it.

 

I can't allow myself to blame him for the way he treated me. I think anyone, who hasn't come to the same realizations we have come to, would do the same thing. That's why i'm glad we broke up, so that both of us could find these realizations out and learn from them. So they never happen again.

 

You are very right, that two wrongs don't make a right. He shouldn't have treated me the way he did in return, but I can't blame him for it all the same. As I hope he wouldn't blame me for treating him the way that I did, because it was out of pure ignorance. I don't mean that i'm not to blame, I am fully, but I hope that he can forgive me because of my ignorance. I think i'm a pretty perceptive person, I can't believe I didn't see what I was doing to him. I knew that at certain times I was over reacting, but I never saw the big picture of how I was treating him.

 

Erica I know exactly how you feel; I did the same exact thing to my ex. There's nothing I want more in life than to go back and redo everything, but that's the lesson of life, "You live and you learn."

 

You just have to take this moment here, and your feelings now and grow from them. You weren't a bad guy, you didn't know what you were doing at the time. That's what I keep telling myself.

 

I mean, I got so selfish that when I was driving to his house to comfort him when is grandma died, a spider fell onto my lap. I pulled over and I called him to come help me. When he did (because he was always there for me, he was such a giving person), I made this BIG deal about this LITTLE spider, I was playing victim. In my head it was all about me me me and his feelings didn't really matter. He eventually got mad and left, and sent me a hurtful text message saying, "Thanks for being there when I needed you most."

 

Just thinking about that moment turns my stomach , I'm starting to cry all over again. I can't believe I was THAT selfish to him. The breakup happened a little over a month ago, and I'm glad I'm realizing this now, but I don't know how long it'll take for me to forgive myself. He was nothing but nice and kind and giving to me and I threw him away. He was one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I messed it up.

 

Yes he broke up with me, the main reason being distance, but I know I hurt him, and I kick myself for hurting him. It was never my intention to do so, and I didn't know what I was doing until a couple days ago. But the sad thing, I honestly think the only fault he's done was break up with me, not try to fight for the relationship. The more I think of it, the more I don't really see him doing anything wrong. I just want to apologize to him, which is what I'm going to do over Christmas break when I come home from college. I'll take him out to lunch, or whatever and we'll talk.

 

Yes, exactly!! I am waiting for his response to my e-mail, and I feel like once I am able to fully talk with him about this, only then will I be able to forgive myself. I have to know that he is able to forgive me. Forgive me for hurting him the way that I have. I'm sure he will, considering he is a good person, but if he didn't... i'm not sure how I would be able to forgive myself when the person who I truly hurt isn't able to forgive me.

 

I thought breaking up was the hard part. This, by far, exceeds any amount of pain I went through before.

 

Edit: I am so sorry that you are going through the same thing I am. It's so very painful, I know. I really hope he can forgive you, but i'm sure he will. I'd like it if you could keep us updated on your situation, I completely relate to what you are going through.

Edited November 28, 2010 by EricaH329

[b_rouse]

Yes, exactly!! I am waiting for his response to my e-mail, and I feel like once I am able to fully talk with him about this, only then will I be able to forgive myself. I have to know that he is able to forgive me. Forgive me for hurting him the way that I have. I'm sure he will, considering he is a good person, but if he didn't... i'm not sure how I would be able to forgive myself when the person who I truly hurt isn't able to forgive me.

 

I thought breaking up was the hard part. This, by far, exceeds any amount of pain I went through before.

 

Edit: I am so sorry that you are going through the same thing I am. It's so very painful, I know. I really hope he can forgive you, but i'm sure he will. I'd like it if you could keep us updated on your situation, I completely relate to what you are going through.

 

 

Oh I will! My whole story with him is posted under breakings and breaking up titled "Could he come back?" Pretty long, but I had to write it all out for me. I'm only on month 1, and still in the hopeful stage. I still want him back, my heart says take him, and my head says no. So currently I'm listening to my heart. The thing is, he's not a bad guy at all, it's just that he stopped fighting for us and decided to begin a battle with her... That's the worst he did. He was always there for me, always patient, always giving, remembers everything, he was just an all around wonderful guy. But I don't know what the future holds for us, and he's keeping the future open for us as well, it's just he doesn't see anything right now.

[2sunny]

I feel as though i'm never going to be able to accept what I did to him.

 

well - if i remember correctly - it was him who didn't make the effort you were expecting. really, if he's unwilling to take action and make effort in simple areas of your life together... then he certainly can't be expected to make the effort for the relationship (M) after you get married.

 

you had your evidence that he simply wasn't going to do things the way you requested- in order for you to be happy...

 

that right there should tell you everything you need to know- because...

 

if nothing changes = nothing changes. and he just wasn't willing to change...

[Fufu]

I agree with 2sunny.

 

I believe that when a relationship has problems or failed, it's always 2 parties at fault.

 

If 1 partner doesn't want to work things out, that just shows he isn't taking this relationship very serious too.

[Jannah]

Jannah I'm always glad to hear from you!

 

I have actually been thinking about everything you have listed. But not in any sort of consistent thought pattern. My mind is all over the place. Going from what I did to him, to what he did to me, to why I did those things, etc. I can't seem to be able to follow my thought process. I think I had realized too much at once. And i'm trying to figure it all out at once and what I need to be doing is taking it one step at a time.

 

What i'm not too sure about, however, is why this happened now. Why all of these realizations occurred 9 months after we broke up. During the 9 months, at different points, i've gone through old letters he had written me, pictures, even some of the same e-mails that led me to all these realizations... and I never once thought differently about our relationship. I'm not sure why it's happening now.

 

I can only be grateful that it is happening, and try to figure out a way to come to terms with it and not allow any of it to happen again. This is going to take much time. I was laying in bed last night, trying to go to sleep, and I had this constant feeling of being ashamed and embarrassed. I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly. Why I was feeling that way. It was like the morning after a really drunk night, the 'morning after embarrassment' But there was no drunk night, and I didn't do anything to make myself feel that way. I can only chalk it up to the fact that I truly feel ashamed, within the very core of my being, for what I have done to him.

 

I am always glad to reach out.

 

Maybe the holidays stirred up some of these emotions, it certainly seems to for a lot of people. Plus, you mentioned you've been looking through old pictures, letters and emails...

 

I still think it's natural to recount certain details and view them from a different perspective, after the storm settles. It is just the mind's way of processing things.

 

Though, it seems you are certainly struggling with your past behavior towards your ex and while I do not know if it was in fact as poor as you now say, I hope you find resolution one way or the other and come to terms with the how’s and whys pertaining to your ex.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I have gone over my relationship with my ex fiancé, realized that him and I both made mistakes, and have moved forward. An old e-mail I found while cleaning my inbox out, however, has made me realize things that I never even took into consideration.

 

I was the bad guy all along!! Granted, towards the end of our relationship, he did treat me very poorly, but looking back on it... it wasn’t any worse than I had treated him. The majority of the relationship, I was extremely selfish! I made a ton of compromises for him (which we both acknowledged) but the minute that I felt my needs and wants weren’t being ‘catered to’ I threw them all in his face.

 

What a horrible person I was!! He did everything he possibly could for me for the majority. I found e-mails from him, that were the exact same type of e-mails I was sending him towards the end of our relationship. “You only take into account your feelings, you never take into account mine.” And you know what I thought that whole time? That he was full of sh*t! But no... I was the one who was full of sh*t!

 

I admit, I cried a bit over this realization. I was so selfish and stubborn. Everything I did for him was thrown back in his face whenever something didn’t go my way. How horrible!

 

I don’t know what to do, now that I’ve come to this conclusion. I’m trying to figure out a way to live with myself knowing what I know now, but I can’t seem to figure out how! I realize that people make mistakes, I already understand that. But the way I treated him, I’m not sure if I can ever come to terms with that.

 

 

Oh stop it!

 

(I'm not even gonna read the rest of this thread...)

 

 

This is more a case of you (letting your fingers enjoy sifting and kneading the sands of that past relationship - for the sake of longing for something new and yet similar - as this probably allows you to feel nearer to SOMEthing that would feel satisfying than does the relative emptiness on your dance card {admittedly largely per your choices to have it empty-ish now} ) ... than it is of you having ever been the bad guy.

 

 

You are mentally engaging and physically alluring and fully qualified for the future... so stop dwelling on the past and trying to fine-tune a vehicle you already sold for scrap, and probably at a good value when so doing.

 

 

PS - I still adore you from afar (LOL)

 

 

... and that's why I dedicated post #1133 to you:

 

SincereOnlineGuy

Established Member

 

 

Join Date: Nov 2005

Posts: 1,133

[silic0ntoad]

Everyone is a bad guy at some point. No single person is to blame for destroying a relationship.

 

Simple, really.

 

Learn, and move on, hun.

[EricaH329]

well - if i remember correctly - it was him who didn't make the effort you were expecting. really, if he's unwilling to take action and make effort in simple areas of your life together... then he certainly can't be expected to make the effort for the relationship (M) after you get married.

 

you had your evidence that he simply wasn't going to do things the way you requested- in order for you to be happy...

 

that right there should tell you everything you need to know- because...

 

if nothing changes = nothing changes. and he just wasn't willing to change...

 

The thing is, he did change. Before I came to LS (before the problems began that i've posted about), he was a truly wonderful man. It wasn't just for a few months that he was wonderful, it lasted around 9, or so, months. Just enough time for him to realize that the sh*tty way I was treating him wasn't appropriate.

 

He tried to reach out to me on several different occasions (as evident by e-mails i've saved), trying to explain how I was treating him was making him feel. The very last e-mail he sent me, before he 'changed' into a man that wasn't willing to put forth the effort, was almost an exact replica of an e-mail I had sent him towards the very end of our relationship. He was telling me how I wasn't paying attention to his feelings/needs/wants. That he felt he was backed into a corner because I wasn't taking into account anything he needed.

 

So, what did he do? He changed for the worst. He wanted to be with me because he loved me, but he absolutely couldn't allow himself to be treated the way he was anymore. And the only way he thought he could do that, was to not put in the effort any more. He realized the more effort he put in, the worse he was treated. The less amount of effort he put in, the better he was treated (because I was so eager to stay with him).

 

Because of all of those things, I feel like I cannot blame him for turning into the person he did. Yes, he did treat me badly at the end. Him and I have both acknowledged that. But I can't blame him for doing so.

 

I am always glad to reach out.

 

Maybe the holidays stirred up some of these emotions, it certainly seems to for a lot of people. Plus, you mentioned you've been looking through old pictures, letters and emails...

 

I still think it's natural to recount certain details and view them from a different perspective, after the storm settles. It is just the mind's way of processing things.

 

Though, it seems you are certainly struggling with your past behavior towards your ex and while I do not know if it was in fact as poor as you now say, I hope you find resolution one way or the other and come to terms with the how’s and whys pertaining to your ex.

 

Thank you, Jannah And perhaps you are right. Maybe these realizations were going to occur regardless. It just caught me off guard. Being so late after our break-up.

 

I hope, also, that I can come to terms with everything. It's not going to be easy, but I have been trying my hardest!!

[EricaH329]

Oh stop it!

 

(I'm not even gonna read the rest of this thread...)

 

 

This is more a case of you (letting your fingers enjoy sifting and kneading the sands of that past relationship - for the sake of longing for something new and yet similar - as this probably allows you to feel nearer to SOMEthing that would feel satisfying than does the relative emptiness on your dance card {admittedly largely per your choices to have it empty-ish now} ) ... than it is of you having ever been the bad guy.

 

 

You are mentally engaging and physically alluring and fully qualified for the future... so stop dwelling on the past and trying to fine-tune a vehicle you already sold for scrap, and probably at a good value when so doing.

 

 

PS - I still adore you from afar (LOL)

 

 

... and that's why I dedicated post #1133 to you:

 

SincereOnlineGuy

Established Member

 

 

Join Date: Nov 2005

Posts: 1,133

 

I'm not too sure what to think of your post. You could be absolutely right. Maybe I am just trying to find a way to think about my past relationship, for some sort of 'comfort' so to speak.

 

However, I am almost positive that's not the case. Yes, I am single and not dating anyone, but it is fully my choice. I don't feel any desire to get into another relationship. I've found all the happiness and contentment I need within myself, and i'm going to ride this out for as long as I can.

 

What I have been doing, during these months being single, is focusing on myself and trying to figure out certain things about me that needs changing. Perhaps that's why I have finally figured out what I have done wrong in my past relationship? My pride is no longer an issue, and I was able to see it for what it really was.

 

Everyone is a bad guy at some point. No single person is to blame for destroying a relationship.

 

Simple, really.

 

Learn, and move on, hun.

 

You are right. We were both bad guys. I feel as though I was the biggest, though. And throughout our entire relationship, up until just a few days ago, I thought he was the one to blame for the end of our relationship. I was so convinced. I had him convinced, as well.

 

This comes as a major shock. I feel like i've tricked myself into thinking one way, when in reality it isn't like that at all. It's difficult to accept. But i'm sure one day, some how, I will be able to forgive myself for being so naive and ignorant.

 

I can only hope that all of my realizations will allow for this never to happen again. The pain, alone, should make me never do those things again. I just simply can't imagine putting someone through what i've put him through, again.

[Jannah]

Thank you, Jannah And perhaps you are right. Maybe these realizations were going to occur regardless. It just caught me off guard. Being so late after our break-up.

 

I hope, also, that I can come to terms with everything. It's not going to be easy, but I have been trying my hardest!!

 

I am totally right! j/k. :bunny:

 

Two completely different circumstances - but I had similar thoughts such as what you described (though not as extensive) towards the ex-fiance after our relationship ended (he kissed another woman while we were engaged). Certain thoughts ran through my head (i.e. "maybe if I had done this or that differently, or acted this way instead of that way", blah blah blah).

 

It's done and over with. But for reflection purposes, it has been helpful for me to recount certain things from a different perspective, so that I am more aware of myself and my own actions. It has also helped me realize what I do NOT want in a relationship.

 

You will come to terms with everything, in your own way and in your own time. I have faith!

[EricaH329]

I am totally right! j/k. :bunny:

 

Two completely different circumstances - but I had similar thoughts such as what you described (though not as extensive) towards the ex-fiance after our relationship ended (he kissed another woman while we were engaged). Certain thoughts ran through my head (i.e. "maybe if I had done this or that differently, or acted this way instead of that way", blah blah blah).

 

It's done and over with. But for reflection purposes, it has been helpful for me to recount certain things from a different perspective, so that I am more aware of myself and my own actions. It has also helped me realize what I do NOT want in a relationship.

 

You will come to terms with everything, in your own way and in your own time. I have faith!

 

This is such an odd situation for me to be in. I can't really explain it the way I wish I could.

 

I, too, have had those thoughts of "Well... perhaps if I had done this, or that, differently then things would have been different." I've gone through the majority of those scenarios already, and thought I had come to terms with the way the relationship was and ended. I thought I had moved passed that stage in my life.

 

This is different, though. And I don't mean 'different' in the "You don't know what i'm talking about" type of different, but in the sense that it's much much more powerful than what I had previously gone through.

 

I've gone over what I did wrong, and instead of feeling like I wish I didn't do it for the sake of our relationship, I wish I didn't do it for the sake of my ex and his feelings. I don't want to be back in a relationship with him. Not now anyway. I think we both have a lot more realizing and understanding to do before we could ever have a healthy relationship together.

 

I'll be honest with you, I have been impatiently waiting for his response to my e-mail. I need to know that he forgives me. More than that, I need him to fully understand what I did. I don't want him to be mislead. I don't want him to think that it was all his fault. I want him to understand my part in the relationship.

 

I know that isn't what I should be doing, waiting for his forgiveness. But I just can't help but feel that once I receive it, i'll be able to put most of it behind me.

[Jannah]

This is such an odd situation for me to be in. I can't really explain it the way I wish I could.

 

I, too, have had those thoughts of "Well... perhaps if I had done this, or that, differently then things would have been different." I've gone through the majority of those scenarios already, and thought I had come to terms with the way the relationship was and ended. I thought I had moved passed that stage in my life.

 

This is different, though. And I don't mean 'different' in the "You don't know what i'm talking about" type of different, but in the sense that it's much much more powerful than what I had previously gone through.

 

I've gone over what I did wrong, and instead of feeling like I wish I didn't do it for the sake of our relationship, I wish I didn't do it for the sake of my ex and his feelings. I don't want to be back in a relationship with him. Not now anyway. I think we both have a lot more realizing and understanding to do before we could ever have a healthy relationship together.

 

I'll be honest with you, I have been impatiently waiting for his response to my e-mail. I need to know that he forgives me. More than that, I need him to fully understand what I did. I don't want him to be mislead. I don't want him to think that it was all his fault. I want him to understand my part in the relationship.

 

I know that isn't what I should be doing, waiting for his forgiveness. But I just can't help but feel that once I receive it, i'll be able to put most of it behind me.

 

Alright, now you've peaked my curiosity...

 

Is it possible for you to refer to instances with your ex, in which you treated him poorly?

 

I want to try to understand better where all of this is coming from...

[EricaH329]

Alright, now you've peaked my curiosity...

 

Is it possible for you to refer to instances with your ex, in which you treated him poorly?

 

I want to try to understand better where all of this is coming from...

 

I'm not even sure where to begin! And I know that what i'm about to say will make me look like a terrible person, and I deserve every bit of the negativity I am sure i'm going to receive from this. This is going to be a long one.

 

I moved 3 hours away to be with him. I didn't know a single person, and because I was leaving for the Navy soon after, I decided against finding a job. So, needless to say, I was extremely bored the majority of the time. Which, thinking back on it, I believe was the main reason (excuse, not reason) for the way I treated him.

 

I drank, a lot. And every time I would get drunk, I would yell at him and blame him for things that didn't even make sense, but hurt his feelings none the less. I would bring up things that he told me in confidence, and use them against him. I had never been that angry towards anyone when I would drink, except for him. I also humiliated him in front of his friends while we were out drinking. I'd say this would happen about 5 out of 7 days.

 

During the times that I wasn't drunk, I would act very cold towards him. For no apparent reason. He would hug me and kiss me and ask me if there was anything he could do to put me in a better mood, and I would refuse him. I would tell him to get off me and I didn't want to be near him.

 

When everything was going 'good', I would make up reasons to be angry at him. I'm sure if I thought hard enough, I could think of the most ridiculous things I had gotten upset at him about. Making me miss my favorite show, not going to the store for me, hogging too much of the bed, etc. And when I say that I would get upset, I would upset. I would ignore him and tell him to leave me alone.

 

During the times that he actually did something legitimately wrong, I would threaten to break up with him and move back home. I'd say this happened probably 3 times during the time we lived together. Each time, he would cry. And he wouldn't do it to spite me, or make me feel bad for him, each time he would begin crying he would immediately get up and leave the room so that I wouldn't see how badly I hurt him. Of course, i'd chase after him to see if he was crying, and when I realized that he was, I would hold him and apologize like crazy (I would feel bad for making him feel that way, just as I feel bad for doing terrible things to him now).

 

I would bring him down SO much, and the moment he got to his breaking point where he would literally break down, I would rush to his side and apologize. I literally made him think that everything I was complaining about, were legitimate reasons to be upset about. He would constantly tell me how horrible of a person he was and how he didn't deserve me, and that's exactly how I wanted him to feel. None of it was his fault though. None of it. I'm such a horrible person for treating him that way. I can't stand being in my own skin right now!

[Jannah]

I'm not even sure where to begin! And I know that what i'm about to say will make me look like a terrible person, and I deserve every bit of the negativity I am sure i'm going to receive from this. This is going to be a long one.

 

I moved 3 hours away to be with him. I didn't know a single person, and because I was leaving for the Navy soon after, I decided against finding a job. So, needless to say, I was extremely bored the majority of the time. Which, thinking back on it, I believe was the main reason (excuse, not reason) for the way I treated him.

 

I drank, a lot. And every time I would get drunk, I would yell at him and blame him for things that didn't even make sense, but hurt his feelings none the less. I would bring up things that he told me in confidence, and use them against him. I had never been that angry towards anyone when I would drink, except for him. I also humiliated him in front of his friends while we were out drinking. I'd say this would happen about 5 out of 7 days.

 

During the times that I wasn't drunk, I would act very cold towards him. For no apparent reason. He would hug me and kiss me and ask me if there was anything he could do to put me in a better mood, and I would refuse him. I would tell him to get off me and I didn't want to be near him.

 

When everything was going 'good', I would make up reasons to be angry at him. I'm sure if I thought hard enough, I could think of the most ridiculous things I had gotten upset at him about. Making me miss my favorite show, not going to the store for me, hogging too much of the bed, etc. And when I say that I would get upset, I would upset. I would ignore him and tell him to leave me alone.

 

During the times that he actually did something legitimately wrong, I would threaten to break up with him and move back home. I'd say this happened probably 3 times during the time we lived together. Each time, he would cry. And he wouldn't do it to spite me, or make me feel bad for him, each time he would begin crying he would immediately get up and leave the room so that I wouldn't see how badly I hurt him. Of course, i'd chase after him to see if he was crying, and when I realized that he was, I would hold him and apologize like crazy (I would feel bad for making him feel that way, just as I feel bad for doing terrible things to him now).

 

I would bring him down SO much, and the moment he got to his breaking point where he would literally break down, I would rush to his side and apologize. I literally made him think that everything I was complaining about, were legitimate reasons to be upset about. He would constantly tell me how horrible of a person he was and how he didn't deserve me, and that's exactly how I wanted him to feel. None of it was his fault though. None of it. I'm such a horrible person for treating him that way. I can't stand being in my own skin right now!

 

Okay, so you were a bit of a Diva.

 

Tell me something... Were you like this before him or did your behavior towards him shift at some point during the course of your relationship?

 

Did you move to be closer to him, and if/so did things seem to escalate, after you moved? What about the excessive drinking....when did that develop?

 

I know I am asking a lot of questions, and please feel free to PM me if you prefer versus laying it out all on here, but I think some of these questions are important to acknowledge based on what you have been going through.

[EricaH329]

Okay, so you were a bit of a Diva.

 

To say the least!

 

Tell me something... Were you like this before him or did your behavior towards him shift at some point during the course of your relationship?

 

In all of my past relationships, I have acted that way. Not at first, though. For the first few months, everything was great! It was once they had fallen in love with me, that I began pushing them away. Including the ex that I am talking about. Shortly after he told me that he was in love with me, was when I began treating him like dirt.

 

I didn't understand the meaning of a healthy relationship. I've always based romantic relationships on the only 'loving' relationship I had, which was the one with my mother. I wanted so badly for someone to love me, and the minute that they did... I turned into my mother. Resenting them, pushing them away, becoming manipulative and selfish. Then, they turned into me. Striving for the love that they so desperately wanted in return.

 

It's disgusting to think of it like that. That's why i'm so glad I have found my own self love and respect, I don't need that from anyone else any longer. I'm hoping that will mean much healthier relationships for me in the future.

 

Did you move to be closer to him, and if/so did things seem to escalate, after you moved? What about the excessive drinking....when did that develop?

 

I did move closer to be with him, I moved in with him. Like I had previously said, everything was great at first. It wasn't until he told me he was in love with me that everything went to crap. I always resented him for that. Me moving, that is. I had no right to resent him for something I chose to do. But anytime anything wouldn't go my way, I would use the same line over and over again, "I moved 3 hours away from my family and friends to be here with you! And this is what I get?!"

 

The drinking began around the same time that I started treating him poorly. It didn't stop until we had broken up for the last time (9 months ago) and I had found my own self worth, love, and respect.

 

I know I am asking a lot of questions, and please feel free to PM me if you prefer versus laying it out all on here, but I think some of these questions are important to acknowledge based on what you have been going through.

 

Please, ask away!!! Anything to help put things into perspective. I need these questions, if i'm unable to figure them out for myself I would most certainly welcome anyone elses opinion.

[Jannah]

To say the least!

 

 

 

In all of my past relationships, I have acted that way. Not at first, though. For the first few months, everything was great! It was once they had fallen in love with me, that I began pushing them away. Including the ex that I am talking about. Shortly after he told me that he was in love with me, was when I began treating him like dirt.

 

I didn't understand the meaning of a healthy relationship. I've always based romantic relationships on the only 'loving' relationship I had, which was the one with my mother. I wanted so badly for someone to love me, and the minute that they did... I turned into my mother. Resenting them, pushing them away, becoming manipulative and selfish. Then, they turned into me. Striving for the love that they so desperately wanted in return.

 

It's disgusting to think of it like that. That's why i'm so glad I have found my own self love and respect, I don't need that from anyone else any longer. I'm hoping that will mean much healthier relationships for me in the future.

 

 

 

I did move closer to be with him, I moved in with him. Like I had previously said, everything was great at first. It wasn't until he told me he was in love with me that everything went to crap. I always resented him for that. Me moving, that is. I had no right to resent him for something I chose to do. But anytime anything wouldn't go my way, I would use the same line over and over again, "I moved 3 hours away from my family and friends to be here with you! And this is what I get?!"

 

The drinking began around the same time that I started treating him poorly. It didn't stop until we had broken up for the last time (9 months ago) and I had found my own self worth, love, and respect.

 

 

 

Please, ask away!!! Anything to help put things into perspective. I need these questions, if i'm unable to figure them out for myself I would most certainly welcome anyone elses opinion.

 

Resent is the key word, because it is HUGE.

 

Resentment, I believe, is a secondary emotion. We know some of the causes that build up resent, some of which include being ignored, abandoned, neglected, criticized.

 

But, if the only action your boyfriend demonstrated at the time was love towards you, do you think it's possible that you had some self-loathing going on?

 

What do you think?

[EricaH329]

Resent is the key word, because it is HUGE.

 

Resentment, I believe, is a secondary emotion. We know some of the causes that build up resent, some of which include being ignored, abandoned, neglected, criticized.

 

But, if the only action your boyfriend demonstrated at the time was love towards you, do you think it's possible that you had some self-loathing going on?

 

What do you think?

 

I think you raise a very good point. At the time, I thought my resentment was justified. Anytime anything didn't go my way, it was because I was being 'ignored' or 'neglected' and I couldn't stand that because I had 'given up' so much to be with him. It all built up to resentment.

 

However, looking back on it now, I realize that my resentment was not justified in the slightest. I do think emotional immaturity had a huge role in that. I honestly believed at the time that I was being treated unfairly. There were a couple of times (I can count them on one hand) where I stepped back and thought, 'Whoa, i'm acting ridiculous. I had better apologize.' in which case I did apologize. But I should have been as perceptive the entire time. I wasn't.

 

And now that I realize everything, I can't help but think that an adult doesn't act in that manner. I was an adult. I know better than to act out the way that I did. I can't believe I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. Those very few moments of clarity I had, when I had realized how I was treating him, I felt equally as bad as I do now. But that never stuck with me. It lasted for the day, or a couple of days, and then I went back to being the way I was. Not thinking twice about it.

 

As a side note, i'm very glad to admit that I realize one major flaw I had (aside from everything i've listed so far) that brought the 'resentment' out in full view. Jealousy. My ex fiance had slept with many girls, had many ex girlfriends, and had cheated on every single girl he had been with (except for myself, which I truly believe). Anytime we would go out together, we would run into at least one of those girls. I hated it. I would get drunk because I was so upset, and then lash out at him.

 

That's definitely something I need to pay more attention to the next time i'm in a relationship.

[Jannah]

As a side note, i'm very glad to admit that I realize one major flaw I had (aside from everything i've listed so far) that brought the 'resentment' out in full view. Jealousy. My ex fiance had slept with many girls, had many ex girlfriends, and had cheated on every single girl he had been with (except for myself, which I truly believe). Anytime we would go out together, we would run into at least one of those girls. I hated it. I would get drunk because I was so upset, and then lash out at him.

 

That's definitely something I need to pay more attention to the next time i'm in a relationship.

 

Most definitely. I think what you wrote above, is also good insight as to why you reacted to him the way you did, and why you lashed out at times.

[EricaH329]

Most definitely. I think what you wrote above, is also good insight as to why you reacted to him the way you did, and why you lashed out at times.

 

Absolutely!! Anytime I would try to hurt him, I would bring up his past, or a girl we ran into. On several occasions, girls would call in the middle of the night, or would e-mail him. I can't tell you how much resentment that built up inside of me.

 

None the less, it was ridiculous of me to act the way I did. I know that he had no control over who we ran into, or who would call him. Sure, he had a past, but so did I. And the only reason we didn't run into my past, is because we were 3 hours away from it.

 

I guess you can't know everything, all the time. I didn't know how to act back then. I didn't realize what I was doing, until I figured out the proper way to act. I still feel guilty for my ignorance, though. If that makes sense. I don't believe anyone deserves to be treated the way I treated him. And frankly, I wish these realizations happened with someone else, instead of the one man I ever really loved.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Let me just observe... that you haven't afforded yourself this much of an opportunity to write about, dwell upon, and rehash your relationship since at least October.

 

We have all seen how effective you are at expressing yourself, and that feature, along with your good looks, would serve you so much better in a forwardly-focused mode.

 

You are soon to move to another state??? Well how about if that move coincides with a point at which you dedicate yourself to your future, and to a 5-ish year plan which will have you (gasp!) cohabitating with a good, long-term candidate there in the new locale.

[mickleb]

I'm such a horrible person for treating him that way. I can't stand being in my own skin right now!

 

That's why i'm so glad I have found my own self love and respect, I don't need that from anyone else any longer.

 

Your self-loathing and self-respect don't make sense in the same thread, Erica.

 

Whatever helped you to gain that love for yourself, keep at it. In order to resolve the identity crisis you appear to be having, I suggest you seek a therapist. And understand it could take years to completely address the issues you have with your mum. (If it's not one thing, it's your mother, eh? )

 

Take care.

 

x

[EricaH329]

Let me just observe... that you haven't afforded yourself this much of an opportunity to write about, dwell upon, and rehash your relationship since at least October.

 

We have all seen how effective you are at expressing yourself, and that feature, along with your good looks, would serve you so much better in a forwardly-focused mode.

 

You are soon to move to another state??? Well how about if that move coincides with a point at which you dedicate yourself to your future, and to a 5-ish year plan which will have you (gasp!) cohabitating with a good, long-term candidate there in the new locale.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that one day, when I feel that I am fully ready to be in a healthy relationship, that I will be as happy as I can be with another person.

 

Until that day, I would very much like to learn more about myself and from my experiences. I am so curious about what makes me do certain things, so that I can change them (if bad). This, I believe, is just one of those things.

 

I have received an e-mail back from my ex, accepting my apology. Now all that's left is to let go. I just need to let it go, and learn from it, and make a promise to myself that I will never treat another person like that again.

 

Your self-loathing and self-respect don't make sense in the same thread, Erica.

 

Whatever helped you to gain that love for yourself, keep at it. In order to resolve the identity crisis you appear to be having, I suggest you seek a therapist. And understand it could take years to completely address the issues you have with your mum. (If it's not one thing, it's your mother, eh? )

 

Take care.

 

x

 

You are absolutely correct. It is an absolute contradiction.

 

I see it like this: I've become so in-touch with myself, and have grown so much compassion towards others, that when I found out that I had treated another human being so poorly, it made me sick to think about it. I couldn't stand the thought that I had treated him the way I did.

 

I was very self-loathing, to a fault most certainly. But this, just as everything else in my life and others lives, is a learning experience. I need to feel this pain to grow from it. I am positive I will get over this, just as I have with everything else i've worked so hard on, it just takes time.

[GrayClouds]

I was very self-loathing, to a fault most certainly. But this, just as everything else in my life and others lives, is a learning experience. I need to feel this pain to grow from it. I am positive I will get over this, just as I have with everything else i've worked so hard on, it just takes time.

 

Self-loathing is just another selfish act. It is the assumption if one can feel bad enough about themselves then is someway it will makes them become a better person. Though the only way to become a better person is to be a better person. It means making the decision to do the right thing even if it is the hard thing.

 

Just as you do not need to feel the pain to grow. Pain does not make us grow, be it physical, emotional, or interpersonal. Pain keeps us stuck, specially if they are diluted into thinking pain = absolution. Growth does not come from pain, it comes from hard work, pure and simple, which is not to say easy.