Rebuilding trust in a long-distance relationship...and other issues...

[Geoffrey]

Hi everyone, I'm new here, but in need of your sage advice. It's about rebuilding trust in a long-distance relationship.

 

I was divorced about a year ago, and shortly after began a wonderful relationship with a beautiful, sweet woman who lives out of state. We met on a chat board, found we had everything in common, and connected personally shortly afterward (within two weeks of meeting online). She too was recently divorced as well. Iwas deeply in love with her and she with me.

 

Well, everything was going great for about six months, when I began to feel overwhelming guilt about the divorce. I have three young children and missed them terribly. I fought these feelings as much as I could but ultimately I felt convicted enough to break up with her and seek reconciliation with my ex-wife. That was in April of 2003. I will honestly say it absolutely devastated my girlfriend, for which I felt terrible. I still do...oh, how I cry when I think of how it hurt her so...she didn't deserve THAT. I certainly should have been more open with her about my feelings, I didn't handle them well or maturely at all. I was just very afraid, that's all.

 

Well, to make a long story short, the reconciliation didin't work out, she ended up moving back in with her ex-husband, and we never went longer than six weeks without communicating. Over the summer and into the fall of 2003, I struggled mightily with my feelings for her. The amazing thing is, she kept loving me all the time I was gone, certainly told me about her hurt feelings, but just kept doing the loving thing. There were times she told me she loved me and I just couldn't handle it...with the guilt of hurting her and all....but somehow we kept our little relationship alive...

 

Now we move ahead to Christmas of 2003. I finally got my head straightened out and decided to open my heart to her...things she said made me feel like it was safe to do so...and I did....I wrote her a long letter at that time telling her EVERYTHING that I was feeling, apologizing for hurting her so, telling her that she kept loving me the whole time and how that set such a wonderful example for me to follow, and asked her if she would reconsider our relationship. We have many things in common and are VERY COMPATIBLE. I do love her...I just do!

 

We have kept in regular touch since then, she is indeed reconsidering, but there are a couple of sticking points. First is the fact that she is reluctant to trust me 100% I certainly understand and acknowledge this, and I do not blame her one bit for it. I am willing to work to regain her trust, I want to!!! (she told me right now the level is about 60%) The second thing is that she has told me about another guy she has kept in touch with (she met him as a friend at the same time she met me as her boyfriend), he has helped her through the rough times after I left, calling her every day, sending her things, just a very trustworthy friend. She met him once, it was very awkward, he is much, much older than she is, no sex occurred, she felt terrible guilt over meeting him in light of the fact that she had feelings for me at the time. They also have VERY LITTLE in common. She says they have talked on the phone daily for almost a year, when she and I talk on the phone two or three times a week.

 

She told me that about a month ago, she began to develop loving feelings for him, too. Ouch. Inasmuch as I greatly value her honesty with me about this, she is now feeling very confused about her feelings and what to do next...we talked about her moving in with me at some point, but now this other relationship has begun to develop...I am feeling very hurt, jealous (although I am keeping that in check), and afraid...I feel like I was misled to a certain extent, but she did tell me the truth about what is going on...

 

...and I really do want to give her the time and space she needs to sort out her feelings, but I am afraid of losing her a second time. I KNOW I was very much in the wrong to hurt her like I did...but I will NOT DO IT AGAIN...she does love me...but she is having feelings for this other person now.... ...even after all I have said and done to try and make things right between us....

 

What should I do? Hang in there with her (which is what I promised to do for her) and be prepared for the worst possible outcome, or just let go and wish her luck with this guy, even though he has not made an offer to her?

[Velveteel]

Don't let go! That would be showing her you can't, in fact, be trusted. This other guy hung in there when she was clearly in love with someone else (you). She's learned to rely on him. It's your turn now to demonstrate that you can fill that emotional need better than your rival.

 

Step up the phone calls. Make brief but loving contact everyday. Don't slobber, but let her know you're steadfast in your love. It's also very important that you see her as soon as possible. This weekend, if you can. A low-key meeting if fine. But do it right away, so that she can remember how physically attracted she is to you, how young and capable you are compared to this other guy.

 

Good luck!

[Geoffrey]

Hi Velveteel,

 

Thanks for your quick reply. Yes, I would LOVE to see her ASAP...she in fact wanted me to come up earlier this week, but then asked that I come up two weeks later instead, just to give her some time to sort out her feelings. I want to give her the space she needs....that is respect.... But I know a meeting is coming up sometime in the near future....maybe I'll just surprise her instead...oh, how I will cry tears of joy when I see her again!!! I last saw her in April of 2003.

 

No, I definitely DON'T WANT TO LET GO! She's just going through a period of confusion right now, torn between two people she cares about. I know I went through mine over the summer, it took me awhile to straighten out my head but NOW IT'S ON STRAIGHT. These feelings she has for the other guy are very recent, in the last month or so. And right now, he is taking a break from her to sort out some very stressful issues in his personal life.

 

And I KNOW I can meet her emotional and physical needs...I met them quite well when we were together. I made a terrible mistake in breaking up with her, acting too quick on my feelings when I should have been more open with her about them a lot sooner. She knows that I love her....and I am willing to hang in there with her. She has my heart once again....oh, honey, if you're reading this, please don't break it....I won't break yours again....:-(

[Geoffrey]

WOW....they broke up the other day!!!!

 

HOPE LIVES!!!!

[sportsloving]

Awesome for you... I hope it all works out and you get to live happily ever after.

[Geoffrey]

Well....we're in a quiet period right now....ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

 

She asked me for some time to sort out her life....just needs friendship right now.......she has far more going on than this...so I decided to do the gentlemanly thing and give it to her....even though we both agreed there would be no guarantees past a certain point....TBD.

 

This is very, very difficult.....but it's been about four days, and although I HAVE BEEN TEMPTED to contact her, I haven't. She gave me the time when I broke up with her last year. It's the LEAST I can do for her.