scorpiotiger Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Just wondering if anyone has any insight into the type of person my ex is? He is a brief of my situation. When I met my ex he was separated from his ex-wife, they had been together for 16 years (dating and marriage) they have a 12 year old daughter. The breakdown of their marriage seems to be that they did not communicate well and when problems arose they ignored them, she got depressed, he started doing activities and clubs to stay away from home, she had an affair and left him so she could learn how to be on her own. When I first started dating him I did not know they had only been separated a few months. He fell for me hard (atleast that's what he said), always wanting to spend time with me,gifts,out to nice dinners. He pushed his daughter at me after a few weeks of dating (I was apprehensive), a month in he said he was in love with me, 2 months in he was asking me to move in (I declined, thought it was way to soon). I knew he still had issues with his ex and he was seeing a therapist. Things seemed to be going smoothly after a while and at about 9 months he was talking about the future and how I was the best thing to ever happen to him. At 11 months he was still talking about the future and how in love he was. At the one year mark things came to a screeching halt, out of nowhere he told me he was not in love with me anymore, broke up with me on the phone, did not speak to me for a week and when we did talk he could not give me a reason for the break-up other than that a week before he broke up with me he didn't feel like things were right and he didn't feel he should have to tell me what was wrong, I should just know. Less than a month after our break up, he started dating a woman he was friends with, he said she was a very good support for him during our break up he never thought of her as more than a friend, she told him she had always had feelings for him so he decided to go for it. I am extremely hurt by his actions, and can't help wondering if I was just a rebound, is this new girl just a rebound, is he someone who can't be alone? And what are the chances that things with new girl will last? I have heard through the grapevine that he was very upset around my birthday and he thinks of me often. I don't want him back (at least not right now), but I wonder as I try to make sense of this. Any thoughts? Please?
Am4Real Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 (edited) Hello SCORP, None of us will ever know what was or is going on in his head although we can speculate plenty. The fact that any of us speculate will drive you further into confusion. It’s best not to care and move forward from here. However since the intent of your post was to learn of what others have experienced or witnessed, I will tell you this. Over the years I’ve read many “break up” posts. The situations and events you describe goes hand-in-hand with many who have found themselves on the end of a rebound relationship or in a position of supporting the emotional needs of their EX partner after they depart a previous relationship. The push of his existing life on you so quickly in the beginning screams volumes of a person attempting to replicate their past life and times with a former partner. His telephone break up can be interpreted (or it may have just been convenient), it certainly was not gentleman like or classy. Given what you describe there is likely more going on in his head than you know or care to know and he was clever enough to not deliver the break up news in person because you would have likely read right through his fidgety body language and perhaps shifty eyes as he delivered his rather faithless words. Again I have to repeat that “none of us will ever know what is going on in his head” or know what he intends with this new woman he is dating. If you are right about his turmoil and unrest from a former marriage partner then know this: he is sure to be in much misery for some time to come and, he is no longer your problem. You may be hurt but you should also feel blessed – you are free to be ready for someone else with little or no baggage. Best wishes, Am4Real Edited November 27, 2010 by Am4Real
Author scorpiotiger Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 Thanks Am4real. I know I should try not to focus so much on him. It is just so difficult sometimes to not think about it, especially when trying to heal. So many things he did during our break up seemed so out of character for him. He shut me out, yet would tell a mutual friend how he loves me and wants to help me understand, but every time I gave him a chance to talk and tell me what he was feeling he shut down and defaulted to telling me he wanted to have a perfect relationship and he doesn't feel he should have to tell his partner what he wants, they should just know. I have always been very open with him and feel that in order to fix a problem you have to tell your partner what is wrong. Just looking for some answers, or what other peoples take on this situation is. Thanks
Am4Real Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I know I should try not to focus so much on him. It is just so difficult sometimes to not think about it, especially when trying to heal. So many things he did during our break up seemed so out of character for him. Out of character for him -- really? Let me respectfully challange that thinking a little. You told us he "ran" from his former wife and it seems he is running from you...he appears to be "in character" sort-of-speak. He sounds like the sort of guy who keeps his troubles buried deep and shares little, preferring to start over again and again, repeating the same mistake without knowing the cause. If that is so then he is battling a classic case of cognitive behavior ignorance.
PegNosePete Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 What type of person is he? He's an EX. That's all you need to know! NC him, forget him and move on... NEXT!
Am4Real Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 What type of person is he? He's an EX. That's all you need to know! NC him, forget him and move on... NEXT! Pete, Pete, Pete...that was a little harsh. Can you ease into your point next time around....(smiles). Am4Real
Author scorpiotiger Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 Out of character for him -- really? Let me respectfully challange that thinking a little. You told us he "ran" from his former wife and it seems he is running from you...he appears to be "in character" sort-of-speak. He sounds like the sort of guy who keeps his troubles buried deep and shares little, preferring to start over again and again, repeating the same mistake without knowing the cause. If that is so then he is battling a classic case of cognitive behavior ignorance. In hindsight, it wasn't really out of his character, it was just a side of him that I had never really seen. He spent so much time being the "nice guy", always so giving and helpful, that I came out looking like the distant one because I didn't want to move in right away with him, or because I didn't spend every waking moment with him. I just don't understand what kind of person does this? Real, what your saying is all correct. Pete, I know he's an ex and yes I need to put him in the past but if it were that easy there would not be sites like this.
YellowShark Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 (edited) ....but every time I gave him a chance to talk and tell me what he was feeling he shut down and defaulted to telling me he wanted to have a perfect relationship and he doesn't feel he should have to tell his partner what he wants, they should just know. He has SERIOUS communication issues. A red flag for sure. I just don't understand what kind of person does this? He is the type of person who wears masks. You fell for the man you thought he was, not the man he really is. It really sucks what he did to you, but you now know his true colors. Just think, he will do EXACTLY the same thing with the new woman when he tires of her too. Think of it as dodging a bullet, and thank goodness you didn't invest years with this man... and then he throws you under a bus! He sounds confused, manipulative, and immature. Look after what's most important - YOU! - and cut him out of your life. Best of luck. Edited November 27, 2010 by YellowShark spelling
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