VJW Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 This is my first post but I felt a deep need to tell my story to strangers. My BF and I were together for 2 1/2 years. He was the first good guy I have dated and I knew that he would be someone who would never hurt me or leave me. About 2 years into our relationship I started having a medical issue that did not allow me to have sex very often. On account of this I felt guilty and I also stopped being fully affectionate. We talked about it regualry and he said that he was okay with it for the time. I started making more effort to spend time with him and to show him how much I loved him in other ways. Well about 2 weeks ago I came home from work and he said the famous words "We need to talk". He told me that he needed more intimacy and affection then I was able to give him so he needed to break it off with me so that he could "work on his problems". We lived together so it was not possible for me to leave right away (work and also finding somewhere new to live). He said that it would be fine if we stayed in the apartment for two weeks. It was a very strange two weeks, he was friendly and kept saying things like I was the best GF he had ever had and that he would miss me so much. I was frusterated because if all that was true why did he beak up with me?!? Well I come to find out that he had met a girl at a party we went to 4 days before we broke up (I left early). He had been thinking about this girl and she is the reason he decided to break up with me sooner then he would of if he had not met her. While I was still living with him he started seeing this girl and is having a great time with her. I finally moved out yesterday but I am having such a hard time with this because he is the one guy I never thought would hurt me or lie to me and he did both multiple times!!! I know that he just needed someone else to give him the attention and affection that I couldn't but will he ever realize that he made a mistake? Would I even be able to take him back?
cerridwen Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 (edited) "I know that he just needed someone else to give him the attention and affection that I couldn't but will he ever realize that he made a mistake? Would I even be able to take him back? " VJW, I don't believe it's as simple as that. What he did was absolutely, positively 100% JUST about him. As much as it hurts, it's your huge bright red warning flag that he is not worthy of your complete trust. What he did isn't about you not fulfilling needs but about him, someone who bails when things get slightly hard and he chooses to go the easier route. OR, it could be some combination of the above and G.I.G.S, immaturity, and selfishness. Regardless, he acted in HIS best interest so I suggest you do the same. If you decided to ever take him back, I hope it's only after a prolonged period of time of him proving his worthiness of you, time in which he expresses his remorse, and in a situation where your lives aren't entangled as I suspect he's someone who will bail on you again. I'm very sorry. Edited November 27, 2010 by cerridwen
Leandro Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Welcome to LS! I'm sorry to hear that VJW. I'll agree with the above poster. He only cares about himself and bails when things get rough. He left you for a girl he met 4 days before the break up, meaning he didn't think much about how hurt you were going to be. He gave you 2 weeks to stay in the apartment and started dating that girl. He didn't care about you. I know it hurts hearing this. You know you deserve better than that!! If he really loved you he wouldnt have worried about the amount of intimacy and affection coming from you. You tried your hardest and you know that!! He didn't care, he wanted what he wanted and when you couldn't give that to him anymore he bailed. Don't worry if he will regret it later in life or if you can take him back. That's not important anymore. Focus on yourself. Start NC right away!! I'm not trying to be rude to you at all. I'm really sorry about what happen to you, but remember that you're not alone. Many people like myself and other have gone threw or are going to the same thing and even different situations. We are here for you.
Fufu Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Tell yourself this, "I'm so glad I know his true self now than later." "All the best to him and the new girl (next victim)" You won't ever want him back. The way he treated you, you definitely 100% deserve someone better. Even so, you will rather be single than to be with this kind of je*k.
Am4Real Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 (edited) About 2 years into our relationship I started having a medical issue that did not allow me to have sex very often. On account of this I felt guilty and I also stopped being fully affectionate. Well about 2 weeks ago I came home from work and he said the famous words "We need to talk". He told me that he needed more intimacy and affection then I was able to give him so he needed to break it off with me so that he could "work on his problems". Well I come to find out that he had met a girl at a party we went to 4 days before we broke up (I left early). He had been thinking about this girl and she is the reason he decided to break up with me sooner then he would of if he had not met her. While I was still living with him he started seeing this girl and is having a great time with her. I finally moved out yesterday but I am having such a hard time with this because he is the one guy I never thought would hurt me or lie to me and he did both multiple times!!! I know that he just needed someone else to give him the attention and affection that I couldn't but will he ever realize that he made a mistake? Hello “V”, I feel like there is more to this story and perhaps there is "something" absent from this post. Is that the case? As I read your writing I’m taking note of a couple of key points. First, while your medical condition may have limited your intimacy, presumably intercourse, I’m not clear on why that affected your giving of affection. If all sexual activity was not possible in addition to intercourse and there was also lack of affection from you, then understandably your EX partner was lonely. I get that. It would be extremely difficult to hold together a relationship (for two years in this state) and it sounds like you both tried, unfortunately he gave up on you. As a previous poster pointed out this is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are however the victim here only because he has found someone else. On an optimistic note, he demonstrated good sense and conscience in telling you about it very EARLY after it occurred and spared you any embarrassment of being the “other woman” while he perhaps kept his lust or desires under the covers from you and stayed in your relationship for convenience sake. I mean not this as an excuse or in support of him, but rather offer you a helpful perspective of having an EX partner who was at the very least forthwith in telling you about his change of interest right away. It is likely he is chasing his physical needs with this woman over emotional ties with you, however you will have to think long and hard about whether you would want him back or perhaps chose to be made available for the next great guy that will enter your life one day. I feel for your pain and am so sorry to hear of this loss. Best wishes as you work hard on healing. Am4Real Edited November 27, 2010 by Am4Real
Author VJW Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 I feel like there is more to this story and perhaps there is "something" absent from this post. Is that the case? Am4Real, I am not sure what you mean by "something", however I will try to explain the intimacy thing better. Up until the day we broke up I constantly hugged him, kissed him, held his hand and also gave him ALOT of verbal affection. I just had a lot of problems being intimate in anyway. We still had sex (very rarely) but this had only been happening for about 6 months. The first two years of our relationship were great in all ways. I was also trying very hard to fix the problems I had with my medical condition so that we could get the passion back in our relationship. I don't know if this fills in any of the blanks but I am still really hurting and I am having a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into a coherent post.
Am4Real Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I feel like there is more to this story and perhaps there is "something" absent from this post. Is that the case? Am4Real, I am not sure what you mean by "something", however I will try to explain the intimacy thing better. Up until the day we broke up I constantly hugged him, kissed him, held his hand and also gave him ALOT of verbal affection. I just had a lot of problems being intimate in anyway. We still had sex (very rarely) but this had only been happening for about 6 months. The first two years of our relationship were great in all ways. I was also trying very hard to fix the problems I had with my medical condition so that we could get the passion back in our relationship. I don't know if this fills in any of the blanks but I am still really hurting and I am having a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into a coherent post. Hey “V”, I meant not to put pressure on you in these sensitive and emotional times. When I read a post I like to think about what both sides would say to the forum regarding the situation, that’s all… In that sense I was perhaps driving towards uncovering what “he” may have communicated to you about his feelings rather that you assuming it was a lack of intimacy that had him lose interest. Do you think there was anything else (is basically what I was asking)? Realizing if there is something else it doesn’t change the situation and the needed course of healing for you, it just may alleviate the burden you are feeling because of the temporary impairment of sexual activity you experience now. I’m just fishing around on a hunch – please tell me if I have it all wrong. I truly truly feel for you and wish you the best.
Author VJW Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 AM4Real, I thought that there had to more to the story as well because when it happened all he said was that he had to force himself to stop looking at me sexually to be able to cope with the lack of intimacy. He said that by doing this he fell out of love with me. It was later on that I found out about the other girl and that he wanted to start seeing her as soon as possible so he decided that instead of fighting for our relationship and for me he let me go. He wants to stay really good friends but I am unsure how we can do that. He was my best friend but he broke my heart.
YellowShark Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 He wants to stay really good friends but I am unsure how we can do that. He was my best friend but he broke my heart. There's a line in wedding vows... it goes, "in sickness and in health..." Now you know he's not going to be there for you during the "sickness" part. Good to know that early. And lovers don't throw their partners under a bus to be with someone else just because of sex. If they do, then it's also good news you are seeing his true colors now... before you invest more years into this man. Sorry to hear what you are going through, but let him know you aren't going to make someone a priority who only sees you as an option. Wish him well and walk away with your head held high and forget him. It'll take time to heal from the heartbreak. Best of luck.
Author VJW Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Thank you all for your replies. I have been having a really tough couple days and am constantly feeling ill over all that has happened. I am unsure how to handle this situation and I feel incredibly out of control. I want him back but at the same time I don't... My ego is completely crushed and I have no idea how to get out of this hole I am in. I know that time heals all but I am still in the very beginning and am scared that I will feel this way for a long time. I also have to see him in the next couple weeks since I have to pick up our dog. How do I do this without being a total loser in front of him? Since we lived together for 2 weeks after the breakup he saw me at my worst and I don't want him to see me like that again. Sorry this is kind of a rambling post but I needed to get some of these thoughts out of my head.
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