Cohabitation financial dilemma

[Els]

This isn't what you may think it is - in fact, it's the exact opposite.

 

Bit of background - been with the bf for 3 years, 2 of them LD, 5 months ago I moved countries to be with him. During those 5 months I was practically incomeless - even though my visa technically allows me to 'work', the restrictions on it and employers' policies basically means that the only sort of 'work' I could get was stuff like cleaner, factory worker, farmhand, etc. Whereas I could've gotten a decent job pretty easily at home. Bf told me he didn't want me working at a job that made me miserable so he supported me for the entire time I was here, despite him being on a tiny student stipend himself. I took care of the majority of the household chores, but it certainly didn't make that a fair trade.

 

I will be starting a graduate course next year and will receive a small allowance of $1000/month. On the other hand, he has graduated and will be working for $6000/month ($4000+/month after taxes). We have just moved in together.

 

As he already would be paying our $1100/month rent in full, I offered to cover our electricity and internet when I start my course, which would probably be about $300/month. He said he didn't want me to do that; that I needed to be able to accumulate some savings for a rainy day because it was dangerous that I didn't have any.

 

So herein lies the dilemma. Now, the issue isn't my pride, I would actually be completely happy to let him cover that so that my budget wouldn't be so tight - and yes, it is actually kinda dangerous that I don't have any savings, and I won't have any if I pay out the $300/month. But, especially after reading all the 'taking advantage of one's gender' threads, I just don't feel that it's the right thing to do, y'know? Also, I don't want to become a burden; he may not say it, but I do know that it resided in his subconscious in a certain way during these 5 months of supporting me. He considers it a 'worthwhile investment', but that doesn't change the fact that an investment is still a financial burden for the time that you are paying for it.

 

I am really tempted to just let him pay, as it would be far easier on me, and also directly easier on our relationship for the short-term as opposed to insisting on paying when he doesn't want me to. But then, hmm. I wouldn't even be doing ALL the household chores because I'll be studying fulltime, but regardless of whether I pay or not I'd probably still be doing the larger share of them because HE works 60 hour weeks.

[sb129]

E, can you meet in the middle a bit more?

 

Maybe you could contribute $150 a month and save the rest. So you are still saving and contributing to the household.

[sb129]

What graduate course did you decide on in the end?

[NoLongerSad]

Elswyth:

 

This is what you do.

 

Tell him you will consider the money he's paying up front towards your contribution to the living expenses as a loan from him to you. Whatever that is--300 / 500 a month, whatever you two decide. You also agree to pay him 3% a year simple interest on the loan. Put this agreement in writing.

 

That way you don't have to lay out any money up front but he's not making a gift to you that you don't want to accept.

 

At some point your income will increase and you can pay him back. Or, he can forgive the loan at some point in the future if he still feels the same way at that time.

[Els]

Thanks for the advice, sb. Yeah, maybe I'll tell him I'll just pay for the electricity alone then. But that's a very variable amount and will probably increase to $300 or so during the winter, while being $100 or so now.

 

I'll be taking computer science. Started on the reading lists to give myself a much-needed edge before the semester begins and am loving it so far.

[Citizen Erased]

I have a policy of taking people at their word. If he says that is what he wants you to do, I suggest you do it. I assume if he started developing negative feelings he would communicate this to you, as he should.

 

You moved there to be with him, you're not exactly providing nothing here. It's not like this will be forever. Each of you are compromising things, it's normal.

[Els]

See, CE, the thing is, moving to be with him isn't the same in my case as it is with the majority of you LDR guys. Almost every Chinese in my homeland aspires to leave for a better life. Yes, I did choose the place I would go based on him (as opposed to Aussie, for instance) and that is something I did for the R, but the fact remains that I would have left nevertheless. He is in fact making it easier for me to achieve that goal.

 

I agree with your first paragraph. Sadly, giving and giving while not even realizing he's making himself unhappy, instead of seeking a balance and communicating all his desires, is one of his flaws. He is working on it and it shows, but he isn't really there yet.

[musemaj11]

Hey, Im sorry if my thread disturbed your conscience.

 

Didnt you say that its human nature to exploit others? When you think about it life isnt fair. If you are given the opportunity to take all then take all while you still can before the puppet wakes up.

[Els]

Puppets don't give of their own accord while refusing contribution from the 'puppetmaster', muse.

[Els]

Elswyth:

 

This is what you do.

 

Tell him you will consider the money he's paying up front towards your contribution to the living expenses as a loan from him to you. Whatever that is--300 / 500 a month, whatever you two decide. You also agree to pay him 3% a year simple interest on the loan. Put this agreement in writing.

 

That way you don't have to lay out any money up front but he's not making a gift to you that you don't want to accept.

 

At some point your income will increase and you can pay him back. Or, he can forgive the loan at some point in the future if he still feels the same way at that time.

 

Hm, for some reason I missed your post. Sorry about that. Anyway...

 

He would never be able to accept that, never. We don't treat our R like a business - this would be even worse to him than me just slipping money in for the utilities despite his protests.

[musemaj11]

Puppets don't give of their own accord while refusing contribution from the 'puppetmaster', muse.

Thats because the puppet thinks that he is the puppet master and doesnt realize that he is actually the puppet.

 

Remember the story about the man who fixes the woman's car from the other thread? The man thinks that he is the smart one and the woman is the stupid one while at the same time he is the one who ends up having dirt all over his outfit and is late for work while the woman gets her car fixed for free without having to get a single stain on her hands.

 

Its the same with your situation. Your bf's mother taught him that a man has to take care of a woman or otherwise he is not a man. Now as an adult he takes pride in taking care of you because his mom already programmed him to feel that he is a man for doing you as a woman a favor. All you need to do is enforce this belief in him by periodically stroking his ego such as telling him how much of a real man he is, how much of a gentleman he is, or how grateful you are to have such a man in your life so he would never realize that he is the puppet and you are the puppet master.

[Els]

Or... I could throw a huge ungraceful fuss, throw his well-meaning insistence in his face, and insist on MY way because I am a wymyn?

 

To be fair though, I think our situation is more due to individual financial circumstances than gender. If it had been him studying and me making $6000/month, I doubt the arrangement would be the same. I wouldn't presume to guess whether or not it would be the exact opposite, but it definitely wouldn't be him supporting me at any rate.

 

Also, I think it's just him being a giver, regardless of gender. He goes far out of his way to help friends and family as well, both male and female.

Edited November 27, 2010 by Elswyth

[musemaj11]

I see he is a nice person like me. That should make him even easier to take advantage of.

[Els]

Look, I think it's quite pointless and immature to bring personal agendas into other people's threads instead of giving direct advice. You haven't given a single piece of advice here despite having more posts than anyone. If you think you have a way to handle this situation that would be good for all involved and well-received by the bf, suggest it. Otherwise, keep your personal agendas in your own thread.

 

By the way, if YOU are constantly offering things to women and refusing their offers to return the favour, AND constantly complaining here because of your choices, you really have some twisted issues going on. Seriously.

Edited November 27, 2010 by Elswyth

[musemaj11]

What advice is it that you exactly want?

 

The solution is pretty obvious and the choice is in your hand. Either you contribute as much as you can or you let him pay for everything. Im pretty sure you already made up your mind on your own and you are just seeking approval from others so you can justify your decision and keep your conscience at peace.

 

Do what you think is best for yourself.

[NoLongerSad]

We don't treat our R like a business

 

 

Not being business-like, where being business-like is appropriate, is a mistake that a lot of romantic couples make.

 

You are talking about a "money issue," division of living expenses, but don't want to be "business like" about it. That's just not a rational way of dealing with the specific issue that you claim to be in play, which is a relatively simple one: division of living expenses. That division can be any way the two of you choose.

 

I suspect more is at play then simply figuring out how to split the expenses.

[Els]

Sigh. That isn't what my OP is saying at all. And if the answer was 'obvious', you wouldn't be the only one saying it. But yes, thank you for your advice, and I will consider it along with its consequences and implications.

 

Also, please, go deal with your issues. At the very least read my advice on your latest thread and try to think about it.

Edited November 27, 2010 by Elswyth

[pablopedro]

Nobody can really know from a couple of paragraphs what the real situation is like or who you two really are as a couple. Some people are far more generous than others. And then there are people who keep things inside and you'll never know what they really feel until years later or maybe never.

 

I think the five months or so you stayed and didn't pay anything wasn't a big deal. He probably liked the fact you were there. You cleaned up and did those kinds of things. But as time goes on and he's paying all the bills and you're studying, working hard, but not doing as many chores as you did when you had a lot more free time, attitudes change.

 

Or he might be from that attitude where the man pays for everything and the woman stays home. Which also means he might have huge problems down the road when you do finally get some career oriented job and start making good money on your own. A lot of men can't stand it when their significant other makes more than them or makes almost as much. It crushes their ego and pride maybe. Maybe they need to feel like the bread winner.

 

What is a concern is the fact he stated YOU need to have some savings instead of We or Us. It's almost like the two of you are separate in a way but together.

[Els]

Nobody can really know from a couple of paragraphs what the real situation is like or who you two really are as a couple. Some people are far more generous than others. And then there are people who keep things inside and you'll never know what they really feel until years later or maybe never.

 

Thank you. The bolded is very true; but I really don't know how to rectify that aside from writing a novel - and even then it wouldn't be completely accurate.

 

I think the five months or so you stayed and didn't pay anything wasn't a big deal. He probably liked the fact you were there. You cleaned up and did those kinds of things. But as time goes on and he's paying all the bills and you're studying, working hard, but not doing as many chores as you did when you had a lot more free time, attitudes change.

 

I think the next year would probably be easier on him; these 5 months he supported me on a $2000/month income, whereas he will have $4000+/month next year. You are right that I will be doing less housework compared to before though.

 

Or he might be from that attitude where the man pays for everything and the woman stays home. Which also means he might have huge problems down the road when you do finally get some career oriented job and start making good money on your own. A lot of men can't stand it when their significant other makes more than them or makes almost as much. It crushes their ego and pride maybe. Maybe they need to feel like the bread winner.

 

This is difficult to say. Although I cannot presume to speak on his behalf, from my observations I think his POV is that he does whatever he can to make his SO's life better, even if it is at his expense. I certainly don't think he would be happy with me staying home and not working our entire lives, unless we had kids. He is of the opinion that the guy should be the main breadwinner, but is also of the opinion that if he happens to make less than his girl he should try harder, as opposed to getting the girl to scale down.

 

So I don't think he would be unhappy with me earning in the future.. I actually think he would be relieved. But yes, he does have some male-female ego thing going on. I can see it poke the surface a little whenever I beat him in games and there are disputable factors. I don't think it's any more than the average guy has though.

 

What is a concern is the fact he stated YOU need to have some savings instead of We or Us. It's almost like the two of you are separate in a way but together.

 

Especially seeing as we aren't married, I think this is a healthy way of looking at it. I get what you mean though.

[denise_xo]

I vote make sure you pay for 'something'. If it's an issue for him that you cover both of these bills, cover one of them and pay for more of the grocery shopping (or whatever may best apply). I think it will benefit your R in the long run, especially given this:

 

I don't want to become a burden; he may not say it, but I do know that it resided in his subconscious in a certain way during these 5 months of supporting me.

 

In both of my LTRs, there have been huge income disparities. In the first one, my SO made shi+ loads of money and I was on a student loan + low paid odd jobs. In my current R, I provide 90 percent or so of the income. Having been on both sides of that fence, I think the key issue is that both parties do their best to provide for the common good as best as they can. If you can give a small part of your stipend towards joint expenses, then do it.

[Els]

Yes, I think that will be a good idea. I already pay for the majority of grocery shopping anyway (even though the money in my account right now is mostly his...) since I do more of it, and I figure that'll continue into the future.