MissGoLightly Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Tried talking to bf again about the Scrabble/phone thing in general, in the nicest, calmest, clearest way possible. I kept it very simple, and explicitly stated a solution: I will be more understanding (he thinks he has ADD), and he will spend a particular amount of quality time with me where neither of us (trying not to lay blame) are doing other activities: reading, texting, games, surfing the net, etc. His response? He's noticed that my fuse is getting shorter, and he thinks that I'm getting sick of him, so we need separate hobbies so we don't see each other every day, so that we appreciate our time together. Seriously, what the hell? If he wants to take credit and tell me that HE is sick of ME, and HE will appreciate ME more if he doesn't see me all the time, that's one thing, but I don't see how I could possibly have been more clear about how I feel, why I feel that way, and I want us BOTH to do about it. That's not even taking into consideration the fact that we both have separate interests: mine take me out of the house at least twice a week, he does things after work 3 nights a week, we both work late (usually on different days) at least once a week each, and when we are both home the only time we spend together is during dinner (sometimes) because he spends most of his time on his phone/computer.
sb129 Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I think the ADD thing is utter BS MissG. He certainly can pay attention to online scrabble when he needs to! Hes being defensive, pointing out the things you have "failed" at to take the heat off himself. Only you know whether or not you agree with him. It sounds like you don't. It certainly sounds as if you have enough outside interests already. Question:- do you enjoy being with him? What do you love about him?
Author MissGoLightly Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 I think the ADD thing is utter BS MissG. He certainly can pay attention to online scrabble when he needs to! Hes being defensive, pointing out the things you have "failed" at to take the heat off himself. Only you know whether or not you agree with him. It sounds like you don't. It certainly sounds as if you have enough outside interests already. Question:- do you enjoy being with him? What do you love about him? I think the ADD thing is BS also. As far as I know, he has never been diagnosed (which even if he had been I think ADD is over/mis-diagnosed, but that's another story), and I think he's slightly hedonistic (can't think of a better word) and uses it as an excuse. I was trying to be calm and not be an *******, so I didn't point out that even kids with ADD need to and are capable of learning how to show respect for others, function in life, take responsibility, and so on, but that's really how I feel about the ADD thing. He manages to function perfectly fine at work, did well in school without any problems, can focus on Scrabble, etc, so I don't buy that excuse. We really don't spend much actual time together, and TBH, I'm a little hurt that he seems completely ignorant of all the time we spend apart. I used to enjoy being with him, and I enjoy being with him when he is actually focused on me. But over the last 2 months or so, I'm becoming increasingly impatient with this phone ****. Scrabble is the last straw, I didn't think it was possible to be more irritated by his phone-usage than I already was until he started playing that game with his mother or whomever. It's gotten so that he can't even check the weather on his phone in the morning without me wanting to snap at him. I know that my attitude isn't helping the situation.
sb129 Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I understand that- I mentioned in the other thread that my H takes his PSP to the bathroom. We have a young child, and at one point it seemed to me that he would always need to go to the bathroom at the exact point it was time to get her dinner ready etc etc. He couldn't go to the bathroom at ALL without me getting suspicious it was to play that freaking game. Compared to your situation though, mine was a walk in the park. I would be feeling exactly the same as you. It almost seems as if your BF is mentally checking out. Did you let him know that perhaps if things don't improve it will be make or break time for the two of you?
Author MissGoLightly Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 The conversation ended with me telling him that I personally think we spend plenty of time apart doing activities that don't include the other - whether they be inside or outside the house - so if that is what he needs, that's fine, but he needs to let me know specifically what kind of time apart he is looking for and how much, because I do not at all think this is the problem. That what I have been and STILL am asking him for is quality time together, and he needs to think about if that is something he is willing and able to give me. Then I left, and we will be spending ALL our time apart until he has some sort of response, one way or the other. I can't believe that if we ended this serious, LTR I would have to tell people it was because he would rather play Scrabble on his phone with his mother for hours at a time than hang out with me.
sb129 Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 People break up for less. People break up if their SO is addicted to booze, drugs, online gambling. In this situation, its not the activity per se, its the frequency with which he does it and the fact that it is affecting your happiness. So its important.
Author MissGoLightly Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 I'm starting to feel like I'm my dad, circa 1990. I must have ridiculously high expectations that no one could possible meet, rigid ideas of how people should act, I must be unbelievably controlling and difficult to please. I am so frustrated. I thought I very nicely said "I love you, but when you spend all your time doing X I feel feel Y, and I want us to spend quality time together, so I will be more understanding, and we will spend an hour together where neither of us is doing another activity." Clear. Concise. Calm. Kind. I thought?? And when he didn't get that, I just explained in a little more detail. Said OK, if spending more time apart is what YOU need to appreciate your time with me, we'll do it, but I still need quality time with you. Still clear, concise, calm, kind. I thought! Nope. I'm a huge ******* who made her bf cry (yes, really), because apparently what I really said is that he is a bad bf. I think mostly he is upset because Thursday night (he started this conversation) I said something about him never buying me flowers. I don't know why he was so sensitive about that, but he was, and I KNEW he was upset about it, but he wouldn't actually say so. I guess our Scrabble conversation tipped him over the edge. I just can't win. Is this how men feel dealing with women sometimes? I feel like it must be.
daphne Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I couldn't help but laugh and smack my head at his solution and suggestion as to where the problem lay. It's denial, dodge and redirect to you. Please don't fall for this and stand your ground. He's behaving like a kid.
phineas Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 how's the sex life? Is he still interested in having sex?
Author MissGoLightly Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 how's the sex life? Is he still interested in having sex? Great, and yes, very much so.
lso802 Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 It doesn't seem like he's going to give up the scrabble anytime soon, and it obviously bothers you. You either learn to accept it or break up.
ConstantCraving Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Tried talking to bf again about the Scrabble/phone thing in general, in the nicest, calmest, clearest way possible. I kept it very simple, and explicitly stated a solution: I will be more understanding (he thinks he has ADD), and he will spend a particular amount of quality time with me where neither of us (trying not to lay blame) are doing other activities: reading, texting, games, surfing the net, etc. His response? He's noticed that my fuse is getting shorter, and he thinks that I'm getting sick of him, so we need separate hobbies so we don't see each other every day, so that we appreciate our time together. Seriously, what the hell? If he wants to take credit and tell me that HE is sick of ME, and HE will appreciate ME more if he doesn't see me all the time, that's one thing, but I don't see how I could possibly have been more clear about how I feel, why I feel that way, and I want us BOTH to do about it. That's not even taking into consideration the fact that we both have separate interests: mine take me out of the house at least twice a week, he does things after work 3 nights a week, we both work late (usually on different days) at least once a week each, and when we are both home the only time we spend together is during dinner (sometimes) because he spends most of his time on his phone/computer. So far, I understand what your boyfriend is saying and I have NO CLUE what you are trying to say. Help me out here.
Knittress Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I'm starting to feel like I'm my dad, circa 1990. I must have ridiculously high expectations that no one could possible meet, rigid ideas of how people should act, I must be unbelievably controlling and difficult to please. I am so frustrated. I thought I very nicely said "I love you, but when you spend all your time doing X I feel feel Y, and I want us to spend quality time together, so I will be more understanding, and we will spend an hour together where neither of us is doing another activity." Clear. Concise. Calm. Kind. I thought?? And when he didn't get that, I just explained in a little more detail. Said OK, if spending more time apart is what YOU need to appreciate your time with me, we'll do it, but I still need quality time with you. Still clear, concise, calm, kind. I thought! Nope. I'm a huge ******* who made her bf cry (yes, really), because apparently what I really said is that he is a bad bf. I think mostly he is upset because Thursday night (he started this conversation) I said something about him never buying me flowers. I don't know why he was so sensitive about that, but he was, and I KNEW he was upset about it, but he wouldn't actually say so. I guess our Scrabble conversation tipped him over the edge. I just can't win. Is this how men feel dealing with women sometimes? I feel like it must be. Haha, this reminds me of my ex SO MUCH. I couldn't even express disappointment without being accused (yes, ACCUSED) of "yelling at him." At some point I really just got tired of walking on eggshells around him and stopped catering to his insecurities. And you know what happened? He left me for some lonely 'friend' who propped up his ego (it was easy for her, not living with him and all). Why am I saying this? (Um, really... WHY?) I guess I just wanted to say that I can relate, and uh... watch your back? ::frowns:: Anyway...
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