daphne Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I thought about writing her a letter and telling how I feel about everything but that would be a big step to take and I'm not convinced that's the best thing to do. It's what I would like to do.... not sure how she would take it. Why is it so bad to tell someone you care about them? Cheers. I would advise against this. Anyone on the receiving end of an intimate letter like that when you don't know the person will question the sincerity and motive of the sender. Because ultimately it's a bit manipulative. You know at this point that her heart's not into a romantic relationship with you, so you feel that by sending her a heartfelt letter (read advertisement) that perhaps she'll get the warm fuzzies and change her mind? If you want to be her friend then do just that. But declarations of your desire to be there for her will probably not be well received in teh long run, even if she says how sweet it is initially. It puts pressure on her to engage romantically when she's clearly not sending that signal anymore.
Author youngskywalker Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 I would advise against this. Anyone on the receiving end of an intimate letter like that when you don't know the person will question the sincerity and motive of the sender. Because ultimately it's a bit manipulative. You know at this point that her heart's not into a romantic relationship with you, so you feel that by sending her a heartfelt letter (read advertisement) that perhaps she'll get the warm fuzzies and change her mind? If you want to be her friend then do just that. But declarations of your desire to be there for her will probably not be well received in teh long run, even if she says how sweet it is initially. It puts pressure on her to engage romantically when she's clearly not sending that signal anymore. That's what I think too, you were able to put it into words though... very good. So I'll just try to be her friend. She hasn't given any indication that she doesn't want this. Like I've said three days ago she was all over me again. So I'll just take that as she doesn't despise me and not read any further into it. In pursuit of friendship I'm sure there are still boundaries. I would guess a phone call or text once a week should be more than enough effort in reaching out for now, right? Any additional advice on this would be appreciated.
daphne Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 In pursuit of friendship I'm sure there are still boundaries. I would guess a phone call or text once a week should be more than enough effort in reaching out for now, right? Any additional advice on this would be appreciated. Once a week or every other week should be plenty. If you aren't getting a positive response, cut it off altogether and see if she pursues you. In friendships, it's a two way street. It differs from dating because it's not based on gender anymore. You have to be clear that you're really going down friendship path. It doesn't sound like it...
Author youngskywalker Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 Once a week or every other week should be plenty. If you aren't getting a positive response, cut it off altogether and see if she pursues you. In friendships, it's a two way street. It differs from dating because it's not based on gender anymore. You have to be clear that you're really going down friendship path. It doesn't sound like it... Am I really going down friendship path? My feelings are mixed. I think I would go whichever way the tide takes me. I can tell my feelings are starting to fade. Which would be a good thing to pursue a friendship. Problem is this.... with the way she talked to me the other night I have a feeling she's still in flirt mode, leading me on, or still not decided about me. I'm not sure if she's interested in a friendship (although she said she greatly appreciates my willingness to be friends with her right now.) Or maybe the no contact caused her to miss me and she's thinking about it again. Only one way to find out I guess. I'll just go with limited contact for now and go with the flow. Truth is, I like to chase and I suppose that is part of the reason why I'm sticking around. I don't like to give up. But is it wrong to play the friend card even if I don't fully mean it? I would only be hurting myself in all this right? If not, someone tell me. I don't play games with people's hearts. Cheers.
dispatch3d Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Been on two dates...went very well and she said she had a great time. No we haven't kissed, but she kissed me on the cheek goodnight. That's it. Haven't been on a date since because she said her life is so crazy and busy right now but in the mean time we were talking on the phone and texting a lot. I felt like I was supposed to be taking the hint but she said she's not trying to give a hint and that she would tell me. I got sick of not being able to see her so I told her I'd like things to continue even if there isn't hope of anything romantic and I'd like to be her friend. Then I went no contact for a week. The other night she found me on chat and talked and flirted with me like nothing ever happened. I just don't know what to do except back off. It keeps me from making mistakes. If this girl doesn't truly honor my affection and ability to listen to her then OH WELL, HER LOSS. Dates only go "very well" if you make out with them, or do physical stuff. If there's nothing physical then it just went, it definitely didn't go "very well". And two dates of no physical is not good. She probably likes what she's getting out of this relationship right now (a buddy to talk to, who listens to all her problems, is really nice, etc. etc.) and will continue to use you in this way until she finds a guy she sleeps with and gets fluttery about. I think the above is your problem. You made yourself too available, she knows you like her so now you are an option. I would back off. In the future I would avoid two hour long conversations. Just cut it off at 15 minutes, say if you want to talk to me more we can go on a date, and leave it at that. If you don't make any demands/requests/set any boundaries then it's hard to be upset when you aren't getting what you want (you never stated it!). Talking on the phone a lot+texting a lot is weird because it SEEMS like you are making a lot of progress, but really I think you're going the other direction. You have to build physical intimacy, not whatever that is. It's like some kind of quasi-friendship. She may not even want to meet with you now because "he is going to want sex", or "we are going to have sex next time", or whatever. It could very well be some weird state-break third date thing that she just can't get over.
dispatch3d Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Yes, she does know where to find me.... and she did a few days ago. We talked just like old times. Flirted, called me honey and everything. I'll just have to keep my distance but not cut her off completely. I think it's safe to say she isn't trying to get rid of me. She does like me as a friend. So let me ask you this. If I'm going through all this why not just go ahead and let the girl friend zone me and go along with the ride? Is that really so bad? Obviously, for whatever reason she won't pursue me as a b/f. The chances of something working out are the same if I stay friends or if I keep my distance. Wouldn't you say so? And maybe I'll find a good friend in this and be happy with that, and move on. Cheers. You want a friendship where someone unloads all of their daily problems on you then hangs up? Think about it. You said she cuts off whatever your saying if you start a topic then goes back to her. This would be the point that I lose complete interest. She seems selfish and narcissistic.
daphne Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 But is it wrong to play the friend card even if I don't fully mean it? I would only be hurting myself in all this right? If not, someone tell me. I don't play games with people's hearts. Cheers. Not necessarily bad if you don't pressure her for what you want. At least it's not bad for her. You could hurt yourself in the process. As a female, I will admit to you that there should really only be one guy listening to all of her girl complaints and that's teh guy with whom she's working on or is already in an intimate relationship. So spare yourself and don't be there for her all of the time if you have any desire for it to turn out other than friendship. You can still be a good guy, just don't be a doormat.
Author youngskywalker Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 You want a friendship where someone unloads all of their daily problems on you then hangs up? Think about it. You said she cuts off whatever your saying if you start a topic then goes back to her. This would be the point that I lose complete interest. She seems selfish and narcissistic. You brought up some good points but the one I disagree with you on (other post) is getting physical so soon is a must. I'm sure a kiss would have helped my situation but it sounds like you suggest having sex by the third date. Sorry, I wouldn't do that and I certainly wouldn't date a girl who would sleep around that much. I'm not in this for finding a girl to have sex with. I'm looking for a relationship. If a girl screws me on the third date do you think I'll have any trust that she doesn't do that with all guys? And yes, I have slept with a few girls on the third date, and where did it get me??? Nowhere. Just a fun night. I'm beyond that point in life. Now I'm trying to learn the "relationship" aspect of it. Not easy! And, even if I did kiss her and got another date, most likely it would have ended the same. Another date, yes but whatever she doesn't like about me would still be there and a kiss isn't going to change that. If that were true then the people who are having sex within the first couple of dates should have an extremely low break-up rate. It's no different.
Author youngskywalker Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) Not necessarily bad if you don't pressure her for what you want. At least it's not bad for her. You could hurt yourself in the process. As a female, I will admit to you that there should really only be one guy listening to all of her girl complaints and that's teh guy with whom she's working on or is already in an intimate relationship. So spare yourself and don't be there for her all of the time if you have any desire for it to turn out other than friendship. You can still be a good guy, just don't be a doormat. Then maybe I AM the only guy in her life (that's what she tells me). I hope I didn't make is sound like she's unloading all her problems to me. That isn't the case, we just have a nice time talking about everything. But I'll take your advice and hold back on how much I'm there for her. I finally get what Dispatch3D and yourself are trying to tell me. I didn't realize it but I was making myself too available. Why would she take time out of her busy schedule to see me when she gets everything she wants just by picking up the phone. My bad, but now I get it. So everything is starting to make more sense in light of that. I never once got the impression that she wasn't interested in me. She said she liked me, so I could never figure out why she couldn't take the time to see me. Because she doesn't have to! I'm giving her everything she needs. Hopefully I'll get another shot at this. There are several things I would do differently the second time around. Thanks for all your help. Edited November 28, 2010 by youngskywalker
dispatch3d Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 You brought up some good points but the one I disagree with you on (other post) is getting physical so soon is a must. I'm sure a kiss would have helped my situation but it sounds like you suggest having sex by the third date. Sorry, I wouldn't do that and I certainly wouldn't date a girl who would sleep around that much. I'm not in this for finding a girl to have sex with. I'm looking for a relationship. If a girl screws me on the third date do you think I'll have any trust that she doesn't do that with all guys? And yes, I have slept with a few girls on the third date, and where did it get me??? Nowhere. Just a fun night. I'm beyond that point in life. Now I'm trying to learn the "relationship" aspect of it. Not easy! And, even if I did kiss her and got another date, most likely it would have ended the same. Another date, yes but whatever she doesn't like about me would still be there and a kiss isn't going to change that. If that were true then the people who are having sex within the first couple of dates should have an extremely low break-up rate. It's no different. I said if things don't progress physically. Not have sex with her. There should be some physical tension building up as the dates progress. If there isn't then you have a problem .
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