are most guys emotionally available?

November 27, 2010

Question for the women. I hear a lot of talk about guys either being, or not being "emotionally available". What exactly does this mean and how important is it to a woman? I guess it's just a matter of being able to listen to her and understand right? Or at least try.

I'm dating a girl right now who told me I'm a really good listener. She said I was like a pro. I take that as a compliment but now I think things are falling apart for some reason. I have no idea why. Makes me wonder if this "good listening" thing is even important to her or if it makes me come across as being too available because I'll listen to her for hours if need be. I must be missing something here.

November 27, 2010

you are becoming her girlfriend.

Trust me on this I just went through the same thing.

It seemed the more time I gave her on the phone the less time she gave me in person.

It's like she no longer had to try & lost attraction.

November 27, 2010

you are becoming her girlfriend.
Trust me on this I just went through the same thing.
It seemed the more time I gave her on the phone the less time she gave me in person.

It's like she no longer had to try & lost attraction.

That could very well be. I'm losing something here I'm just not sure what. I just started to back off a little and let her chase me some. So far it seems to be working but she's not banging down the door either. Just kinda staying in touch. I really like this girl and she seems to like me!!! Something is fading. I can tell. So I guess I just back off right?

Also, let's say I do become her "girlfriend" and we get some sort of emotional attachment. Won't that help me down the road with hooking up with her? I thought woman wanted a man that they can talk to.

November 27, 2010

That could very well be. I'm losing something here I'm just not sure what. I just started to back off a little and let her chase me some. So far it seems to be working but she's not banging down the door either. Just kinda staying in touch. I really like this girl and she seems to like me!!! Something is fading. I can tell. So I guess I just back off right?

Also, let's say I do become her "girlfriend" and we get some sort of emotional attachment. Won't that help me down the road with hooking up with her? I thought woman wanted a man that they can talk to.

Women want a man who can make their lives like a soap opera. The more the drama the better.

November 27, 2010

That could very well be. I'm losing something here I'm just not sure what. I just started to back off a little and let her chase me some. So far it seems to be working but she's not banging down the door either. Just kinda staying in touch. I really like this girl and she seems to like me!!! Something is fading. I can tell. So I guess I just back off right?

Also, let's say I do become her "girlfriend" and we get some sort of emotional attachment. Won't that help me down the road with hooking up with her? I thought woman wanted a man that they can talk to.

women do want a man they can talk to. Unfortunately it's usually the really hot jerk she's banging that she wants to talk to her. He's not hearing any of it though. So she finds a guy like you & I to be friends with & makes you her emotional tampon.

have you asked her out on a date & she knew it was a date?

Have you kissed her?

November 27, 2010

.

have you asked her out on a date & she knew it was a date?
Have you kissed her?

Been on two dates...went very well and she said she had a great time. No we haven't kissed, but she kissed me on the cheek goodnight. That's it. Haven't been on a date since because she said her life is so crazy and busy right now but in the mean time we were talking on the phone and texting a lot. I felt like I was supposed to be taking the hint but she said she's not trying to give a hint and that she would tell me. I got sick of not being able to see her so I told her I'd like things to continue even if there isn't hope of anything romantic and I'd like to be her friend. Then I went no contact for a week. The other night she found me on chat and talked and flirted with me like nothing ever happened. I just don't know what to do except back off. It keeps me from making mistakes. If this girl doesn't truly honor my affection and ability to listen to her then OH WELL, HER LOSS.

November 27, 2010

I hear a lot of talk about guys either being, or not being "emotionally available". What exactly does this mean and how important is it to a woman?

For me, "emotionally available" means "ready, willing and able to commit to a relationship and share feelings openly". I don't want a guy who isn't able to share his feelings and understand mine, or a guy who isn't ready to commit to a mutually respectful adult relationship. As soon as I realise a guy is emotionally unavailable, I will dump him.

Listening is part of it, but by itself it isn't sufficient. It sounds like you're just being this girl's emotional tampon. If all you do is listen, she has probably friendzoned you and doesn't think of you in a relationship type way.

November 27, 2010

Yeah, sounds exactly like the woman I just ditched.

Said she did want to date me but kept making lame excuses, was hot & cold when I saw her & avoided more than a few kisses.

she honestly did not make me feel like she was attracted to me at all.

But said so.

Meanwhile she went into "my life sucks" mode on me. Before, we actually talked. Once they start unloading their problems on you it's pretty much over because they sure wouldn't be telling that stuff to a guy they want a relationship with because it will probably scare him off.

That's my take anyways.

Now, once their having sex with you, well then you kinda gotta listen to them a little bit when they want to start complaining about life.

November 27, 2010

If all you do is listen, she has probably friendzoned you and doesn't think of you in a relationship type way.

I've been very open to her. If anything I've been too open and have actually worried if I came across as too soft. So that can't possibly be it. I've definitely been friend zoned but I just don't know why. She won't tell me!!!! She'll only say she 'can't' see me because she's too busy....followed by, "if I wasn't interested in you I would tell you... I'm not trying to blow you off". Yeah right. Just be honest. Maybe she does cherish me as a friend and doesn't want to lose that.... and thinks if she tells me she's not interested I'll be gone.

November 27, 2010

Yeah, sounds exactly like the woman I just ditched.
Said she did want to date me but kept making lame excuses, was hot & cold when I saw her & avoided more than a few kisses.

she honestly did not make me feel like she was attracted to me at all.
But said so.

Meanwhile she went into "my life sucks" mode on me. Before, we actually talked. Once they start unloading their problems on you it's pretty much over because they sure wouldn't be telling that stuff to a guy they want a relationship with because it will probably scare him off.

That's my take anyways.

Now, once their having sex with you, well then you kinda gotta listen to them a little bit when they want to start complaining about life.

Hmmmm well, I wouldn't say I'm in the same situation. This girl is pretty stable and doesn't have a load of problems. But they're girls, and do have their feelings to talk about.

I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like it will pay off to call her and ask her what the deal is. She'll just tell me the same thing. I could keep up no contact and let her chase (I think this is the best route). Or I could just keep chasing her and let her use me as her tampon (worst thing I can do).

It's interesting that almost EVERY girl I've dated has always commented on how good of a listener I am. Most of these relationships ended because of me however. But now I found someone I really like who says she wants a good listener and now I'm screwed. All the important things she said she wanted in a guy I seemed to fulfill. Love is strange!!

Edited November 27, 2010 by youngskywalker

November 27, 2010

Hmmmm well, I wouldn't say I'm in the same situation. This girl is pretty stable and doesn't have a load of problems. But they're girls, and do have their feelings to talk about.

I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like it will pay off to call her and ask her what the deal is. She'll just tell me the same thing. I could keep up no contact and let her chase (I think this is the best route). Or I could just keep chasing her and let her use me as her tampon (worst thing I can do).

It's interesting that almost EVERY girl I've dated has always commented on how good of a listener I am. Most of these relationships ended because of me however. But now I found someone I really like who says she wants a good listener and now I'm screwed. All the important things she said she wanted in a guy I seemed to fulfill. Love is strange!!

No. Listening isn't the problem. Not speaking is the problem.

"Good communication" -- it's said so often that it comes across as a platitude. What is your concern, exactly? You have a mind to speak; be a man and speak it. If she doesn't give you a good answer -- that's when you walk.

November 27, 2010

Question for the women. I hear a lot of talk about guys either being, or not being "emotionally available". What exactly does this mean and how important is it to a woman? I guess it's just a matter of being able to listen to her and understand right? Or at least try.

I'm dating a girl right now who told me I'm a really good listener. She said I was like a pro. I take that as a compliment but now I think things are falling apart for some reason. I have no idea why. Makes me wonder if this "good listening" thing is even important to her or if it makes me come across as being too available because I'll listen to her for hours if need be. I must be missing something here.

At first, it doesnt really matter whether you are emotionally available or not since we usually need a time period to get to know each other.But as things progress and the the other develops feelings and emotions, that's when it begins to matter.It can be a deal breaker somewhere along the way if a person starts to want something the other person just cant provide

It depends on what she wants and what you want.But what is your situation has anything to do with emotional availablity?

November 27, 2010

It depends on what she wants and what you want.But what is your situation has anything to do with emotional availablity?

I guess I'm just hunting for reasons why this didn't work out. I know relationships just don't work sometimes because the other person just isn't interested, but this girl seemed to be all over me!! I thought it was going to work. Anyway, I'd like to know what happened to improve myself for the next girl. Or possibly get another shot with this current one.

welikeincrowds-

I pretty much did speak my mind on it. You can only grovel so much before you push the person in the opposite direction. I guess backing off is my last ditch effort here in hopes of something working out. But, in the meantime, I'm working on moving on and looking for a girl who will appreciate me and my ability to listen. I'll work on being a better talker too like you suggested.

November 27, 2010

Question for the women. I hear a lot of talk about guys either being, or not being "emotionally available". What exactly does this mean and how important is it to a woman? I guess it's just a matter of being able to listen to her and understand right? Or at least try.

I'm dating a girl right now who told me I'm a really good listener. She said I was like a pro. I take that as a compliment but now I think things are falling apart for some reason. I have no idea why. Makes me wonder if this "good listening" thing is even important to her or if it makes me come across as being too available because I'll listen to her for hours if need be. I must be missing something here.

A woman needs a man to be a man. A woman needs a strong man to be able to understand her, tends her needs( not 24hr a day) and be firm about something you believe in, even if she disagrees with you. However, she will respects you more if you have strong beliefs about something. Also, she wants a man to take charge and not be a puss y. That is all i can think of now. lol.

November 27, 2010

I thought woman wanted a man that they can talk to.

We do. I know that I love when I meet a guy I like and he is empathetic and a great listener. But sometimes people can take others for granted and it sounds like she is. Backing off is probably a good idea right now. You don't want to be the gf to your gf, especially if she doesn't appreciate it.

November 27, 2010

We do. I know that I love when I meet a guy I like and he is empathetic and a great listener. But sometimes people can take others for granted and it sounds like she is. Backing off is probably a good idea right now. You don't want to be the gf to your gf, especially if she doesn't appreciate it.

Pretty much my thoughts too. I FEEL like I'm taken for granted in all this too. What does backing off mean though? I stopped texting and calling her altogether. IF she tries to chat with me on the computer I'll do that. Which, she did once the other day. We had a WONDERFUL chat for almost an hour. Do you think I need to cut her off completely though? If she can chat with me then she knows she can always use me as a crutch right? I just wanted to leave the door open somewhere to keep getting to know her but maybe I just need to move on altogether. It sounds paradoxical but the best chance I have with this girl is just letting go and moving on, right? If she comes back well and good; if not that's fine too.

November 27, 2010

I wouldn't go that far as to cut it off, unless you are really over it. It's new, so it would be best to take a little bit of a patient approach if you like her.

I wouldn't be available to talk to her for that long. If she im's you, talk briefly. You've got other things to do. Hopefully that involves seeing others until you know where you stand with her.

Also, I can't tell how long it's been since you two went on a date? It is the holidays, and that may be part of it. Did she mention when it'll improve? WHen I'm really interested, but work has gotten chaotic I'll make it a point to let them know when I think things will get better. Or I'll make time to see them, even if for a short time. If those things don't happen, she's either not dating savvy or isn't into you enough. But it's a tough call because it usually takes time for someone to really see the best parts of you and become into you for the right reasons.

November 27, 2010

I've been very open to her. If anything I've been too open and have actually worried if I came across as too soft. So that can't possibly be it. I've definitely been friend zoned but I just don't know why. She won't tell me!!!! She'll only say she 'can't' see me because she's too busy....followed by, "if I wasn't interested in you I would tell you... I'm not trying to blow you off". Yeah right. Just be honest. Maybe she does cherish me as a friend and doesn't want to lose that.... and thinks if she tells me she's not interested I'll be gone.

Friendzone her.

Go on a date & tell her about it like you would your sister.

If she balks tell her. "but your always so busy" if she's REALLY interested in you she will make time.

Or you can just tell her to let you know when she is no longer "busy" as you are going to date someone else you met & see how it goes.

If she is interested, she will make time.

It's kind of game playing, but mostly it's letting a woman know you have options & you are not waiting around for her.

November 27, 2010

I wouldn't go that far as to cut it off, unless you are really over it. It's new, so it would be best to take a little bit of a patient approach if you like her.

I wouldn't be available to talk to her for that long. If she im's you, talk briefly. You've got other things to do. Hopefully that involves seeing others until you know where you stand with her.

Also, I can't tell how long it's been since you two went on a date? It is the holidays, and that may be part of it. Did she mention when it'll improve? WHen I'm really interested, but work has gotten chaotic I'll make it a point to let them know when I think things will get better. Or I'll make time to see them, even if for a short time. If those things don't happen, she's either not dating savvy or isn't into you enough. But it's a tough call because it usually takes time for someone to really see the best parts of you and become into you for the right reasons.

It's been 5 weeks since I had a date with her. The last 2 weeks we haven't been talking much at all because after 3 weeks trying to get a date with her I just got fed up. She was either busy or something would come up and always told me that her life was really busy and hectic. I'm sure it is too (school and works full time) but obviously I wasn't even a tiny priority IMO. During that time we did a lot of talking on the phone and texting though. She NEVER once implied that she wasn't interested besides the fact that she 'couldn't' see me. I took that as a hint.

So basically you're saying to back off but don't cut ties completely. I should still see where it goes and try to get to know each other more in the process. I don't have it in me to call her on the phone or text to be honest. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll give it a whirl. The best I can do at this point is talk to her on IM if she initiates. That's her open door if she so chooses.

November 27, 2010

Question for the women. I hear a lot of talk about guys either being, or not being "emotionally available". What exactly does this mean and how important is it to a woman? I guess it's just a matter of being able to listen to her and understand right? Or at least try.

I'm dating a girl right now who told me I'm a really good listener. She said I was like a pro. I take that as a compliment but now I think things are falling apart for some reason. I have no idea why. Makes me wonder if this "good listening" thing is even important to her or if it makes me come across as being too available because I'll listen to her for hours if need be. I must be missing something here.

"Good listener" can often mean "you're not talking enough".

Believe it not, she actually wants to hear about the things that YOU are passionate about APART from her.

November 27, 2010

It's been 5 weeks since I had a date with her. The last 2 weeks we haven't been talking much at all because after 3 weeks trying to get a date with her I just got fed up. She was either busy or something would come up and always told me that her life was really busy and hectic. I'm sure it is too (school and works full time) but obviously I wasn't even a tiny priority IMO. During that time we did a lot of talking on the phone and texting though. She NEVER once implied that she wasn't interested besides the fact that she 'couldn't' see me. I took that as a hint.

So basically you're saying to back off but don't cut ties completely. I should still see where it goes and try to get to know each other more in the process. I don't have it in me to call her on the phone or text to be honest. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll give it a whirl. The best I can do at this point is talk to her on IM if she initiates. That's her open door if she so chooses.

5 weeks is a long time. Unless you have kids and a crazy job, I can't see how she didn't have time for a coffee here or there. I think you've done the right thing. Don't pursue. If she wants to try to make something happen, she knows where to find you. I don't often advocate guys to sit back and wait for a girl to pursue you, but she's definitely given you no reason to pursue her.

November 27, 2010

"Good listener" can often mean "you're not talking enough".

Believe it not, she actually wants to hear about the things that YOU are passionate about APART from her.

Most of the time I try to talk she just cuts right back in and starts talking. I don't think she's ready for me to talk. Or maybe she doesn't realize she's cutting me off.

November 27, 2010

5 weeks is a long time. Unless you have kids and a crazy job, I can't see how she didn't have time for a coffee here or there. I think you've done the right thing. Don't pursue. If she wants to try to make something happen, she knows where to find you. I don't often advocate guys to sit back and wait for a girl to pursue you, but she's definitely given you no reason to pursue her.

Yes, she does know where to find me.... and she did a few days ago. We talked just like old times. Flirted, called me honey and everything. I'll just have to keep my distance but not cut her off completely. I think it's safe to say she isn't trying to get rid of me. She does like me as a friend.

So let me ask you this. If I'm going through all this why not just go ahead and let the girl friend zone me and go along with the ride? Is that really so bad? Obviously, for whatever reason she won't pursue me as a b/f. The chances of something working out are the same if I stay friends or if I keep my distance. Wouldn't you say so? And maybe I'll find a good friend in this and be happy with that, and move on. Cheers.

November 27, 2010

Obviously, for whatever reason she won't pursue me as a b/f. The chances of something working out are the same if I stay friends or if I keep my distance. Wouldn't you say so? And maybe I'll find a good friend in this and be happy with that, and move on. Cheers.

Yes, the chances of something working out are roughly the same either way if she doesn't look at you as bf material. However, if she's ambivalent that's different. 5 weeks doesn't sound like ambivalence to me though. However, if you like this girl a lot, you're setting yourself up for big disappointment.

I do like your attitude that you could be gaining something if you ended up friends. Most guys don't really care for the friendship part, which I find disappointing.

November 27, 2010

Yes, the chances of something working out are roughly the same either way if she doesn't look at you as bf material. However, if she's ambivalent that's different. 5 weeks doesn't sound like ambivalence to me though. However, if you like this girl a lot, you're setting yourself up for big disappointment.

I do like your attitude that you could be gaining something if you ended up friends. Most guys don't really care for the friendship part, which I find disappointing.

I honestly do care about the friendship part. Granted, my feelings are a little mixed up right now but I actually think I care about this girl so much I'd be willing to give up any hopes of romance in return for a friendship. I just want to be there for her. She is going through a lot of stuff right now with work, school, changing jobs, ect. So as sappy as this sounds I'm willing to swallow my pride and stand by her side.

I wish I could tell her this but maybe it's best to just show it in my actions. I thought about writing her a letter and telling how I feel about everything but that would be a big step to take and I'm not convinced that's the best thing to do. It's what I would like to do.... not sure how she would take it. Why is it so bad to tell someone you care about them? Cheers.

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are most guys emotionally available?

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