Which would you prefer a loving relationship or never worrying about money?

[jimbo]

I've been looking back at my life and continuously wonder if I made the right decisions in the past. Due to bad and poor choices, my parents (mostly my father) made, we had very little money growing up. Not many activities outside of school, not big parties, etc. I therefore, at 18, made it my # 1 goal to be financially secure no matter what. Well, I no longer have to work, should I choose not to. So, I am good on that level. However, look at the cost that I paid. Since I was studing for school and finance training/certifications, my friends took a back seat. I've not seen most of them for over 10 years. I've tried to reestablish myself with each of them one by one. However, most, if not all are not interested. They have a SO and a kid or two. While, I am still single and alone. ONS was never an issue, but I am no longer interested in that. Women that I grew up with in HS and college, who did show interest, I never pursued cause my goal was financial security no matter what. I hated not having enough money for necessities as a teen. Hell, I could not even afford to go to prom. I had to work that night and the girl I asked said no anyway. Nevertheless, I've been working since I was 15 and having enough money first for survival then to prosper was the goal. Yea, I have a big house. Yea, I have a few toys. But, not really happy. Down right miserable is more like it. Then again, if I was struggling financially, like my HS and college friends are, I am not sure I would be happy either. But, alas, they still have friends and a SO and/or family. So, I am stuck in this big house all alone. The holidays just make it seem worse.

 

It was one of the reasons why, with my last ex, I jumped, at what I originally thought was an opportunity for a real relationship. The kid she was never an issue. And I look past the fact she had no money, cause I had that covered. I looked past the major medical issues, cause I had none. I look past the emotional barriers, cause I thought compromise by me was needed. I looked past a lot of things, just to stay with someone. To feel I was wanted. Yet, I left cause I just could not take the negativity or cold bitter treatment any longer. Trust me when I say, she was not like that when I met her. She kind, sincere and considerate. She was separated and then divorced for a year, and she seemed emotionally sound. Really do not know what happened .

 

When I go on Facebook and see all my "friends" that I grew up with. All the clicks are still there. They are all invited to the same parties and gatherings. Am I ever? No. Not once have I ever been invited to any of them. Many got married this year, was I invited? No. Reached out to a friend I hadn't seen for 12 years, lives a few blocks away. Called him up and chatted for a bit. He was changing his kid's diaper and said he'd call me back in five. That was two weeks ago.

 

So for me, I am still unsure if I made the wise decision to put my financial interests ahead of my social ones. Whereas, 12 years later, no friends, but several acquaintances. Only ever had one real serious relationship, and that did not last (yet, she's already screwing another guy). Plenty of loot, but I am not really flashy, so I stay to myself. I joined these meetup groups, and I really feel like a loser. I know, I can live very well by myself, but I do think it would be a better life with some friends and a real relationship. I also tried eharmony and chemistry, same type of women as match, POF, or OKcupid.

 

So, in the same situation, what would some of you guys or girls prefer?

[xpaperxcutx]

I believe in a balance. Growing up from a blue collar family, I know the value of a dollar, hence I also understand the importance of being financially secure. I don't need a guy to shower me with gifts or pay for my bills, I'll gladly do that on my own.

 

I don't need to be " kept" I prefer to be respected. As is, I'm focusing on my studies and saving up. But I also don't throw out my entire social life. I try to balance the need to maintain contact with friends and keeping my priorities straight.

[ConstantCraving]

So for me, I am still unsure if I made the wise decision to put my financial interests ahead of my social ones. Whereas, 12 years later, no friends, but several acquaintances. Only ever had one real serious relationship, and that did not last (yet, she's already screwing another guy). Plenty of loot, but I am not really flashy, so I stay to myself. I joined these meetup groups, and I really feel like a loser. I know, I can live very well by myself, but I do think it would be a better life with some friends and a real relationship. I also tried eharmony and chemistry, same type of women as match, POF, or OKcupid.

 

So, in the same situation, what would some of you guys or girls prefer?

 

Right now, I'd go for the financial security.

 

I remember the boom times when I was able to walk straight out of one job on a whim and pick up another job in a couple of weeks.

 

Those days are a distant memory.

[sally4sara]

Kinda why I never paid much attention to how much money a guy I was interested in made. I figured if I found him to be a great match regardless of money, we would weather financial troubles better when and if it came to pass and any financial prosperity we experience together would just add to how much fun we had.

Where as I've watched other couples fall apart once money got tight because how much the other person made was part of the appeal and financial troubles made them less appealing.

[tylo]

I'm also alone and have money. Money is nothing but a nice number on my bank statement. At 41 I have only a few friends and no social life to speak of and no real relationships to look back on.

 

I would prefer a relationship over the money.

[jimbo]

I believe in a balance. Growing up from a blue collar family, I know the value of a dollar, hence I also understand the importance of being financially secure. I don't need a guy to shower me with gifts or pay for my bills, I'll gladly do that on my own.

 

I don't need to be " kept" I prefer to be respected. As is, I'm focusing on my studies and saving up. But I also don't throw out my entire social life. I try to balance the need to maintain contact with friends and keeping my priorities straight.

 

The financial security is for me because of my feel of not being able to have enough to survive. It wasn't and I never would consider attempting to use it to impress a woman. I do not need that type of woman.

[Woggle]

This is a hard choice. I come a poor background and I pulled myself up but I have a real fear of ending up poor again. I know I can survive being alone but now that I have tasted the good life I don't know if I can go back to living in a flop house.

[Ross PK]

Never worrying about money.

[threebyfate]

Not sure why you couldn't have done financial security, family, dating/relationships and friends, all at the same time. It's really possible to balance the entire enchilada although sleep will suffer a bit. But you get used to sleeping less.

 

Even so, why the regret? I doubt you're 60-something years old so what's stopping you from reaching out to people now? I can see you've tried to some degree but using adjectives like loser on yourself for meetup groups and purportedly hiding money, makes you sound more like some 20 or 30-something year old, creating a fictitious story of a cold, hard man with regrets.

[jimbo]

Not sure why you couldn't have done financial security, family, dating/relationships and friends, all at the same time. It's really possible to balance the entire enchilada although sleep will suffer a bit. But you get used to sleeping less.

 

Not possible if you want crazy money. Long hours, countless sleepless nights, etc. Yea, there are some of my colleagues which have the social life, but do not have the financial security. They like to B.M.F., whereas I just hold it and make sure it is safe. During the crisis of 2008, no problems. Colleagues, no money and their relationships failed. So, in terms of logically sound, I took the logically sound position of financial survival. After training and certifications, it took about six years to achieve. So yea, I can buy whatever I want, but what I want now, I cannot nor will I attempt to buy. Not looking for a trophy, just a woman would would like me for me and not what I have. And, it is so hard to find. I do the casual talk, and then they ask what I do, and when I see their eyes light up, I know to make my exit. I am not a white knight nor any savior. Just a man trying to make a living and get by in life. Just because I worked in a particular field that has treated me well, does not mean I should be treated like a bill fold or piece of meat. I am very cautious of gold diggers, and a wolf in sheep's clothing. Some of my less fortunate colleagues had thought they found the perfect woman, most had been taken to the cleaners and are broke, some even more than broke.

 

After the last relationship mess, which, I thought originally would work out, but failed in the end. The personal issues just kept on mounting and mounting on her end. And while I tried, and would had, stayed with her through all of it, she pushed me away and was very cold and bitter to me. I offered to help, she would not accept. I offered to setup a budget, she would not do it. I bent over backwards to do whatever I could to help. Because I believe, when you are in a relationship, you should be able to support the partner in anyway they need. While I do not need a woman to appreciate me, I do need the respect that any person needs and deserves. I never said anything negative about her, talked bad about her, used her misjudgments or misgivings against her, never used her medical issues against her. Treated her like none of that mattered. I think I was very nieve. I would say, I did a 180 again, and have become less emotional on dating and more logical at times. The last one really seemed to change me. I can attest to that.

[threebyfate]

Yes. It is possible. Done it.

 

How does being in a relationship end up with men losing their shirts? Lemme guess. They got married without prenups, right? It better be that way and if it's not, they're even dumber than I thought.

[xpaperxcutx]

Jimbo i think the problem with you is that you tend to forego the warning signs. Your ex had alot of red flags but you chose to ignore them. The problem never really fell on you, you were financially stable and emotionally available.

 

You don't need to be wary about dating, you just to be wary about type of people you fall for.

[jimbo]

Yes. It is possible. Done it.

 

How does being in a relationship end up with men losing their shirts? Lemme guess. They got married without prenups, right? It better be that way and if it's not, they're even dumber than I thought.

 

 

Unless you have a time machine I can borrow, I cannot change the past 12 years of my life.

[threebyfate]

Unless you have a time machine I can borrow, I cannot change the past 12 years of my life.

Correct. So now we have a starting point, don't we.

[Els]

I think the answer really depends on your background and government. For example, if it was easy to get welfare in a worst-case scenario, I would definitely not worry about money anyway. I mean, I support myself when I can, and when I can't I'll be taken care of anyway.

 

As it is, even though I can see the value of a livelihood, I probably put it only a little higher than a relationship. I would MUCH rather have a decent roof over my head and food on the table while being single... than be in an R, live in attap squatters and eat one bowl of rice a day. But as long as I am above the poverty line, anything MORE doesn't matter to me as much as a loving R.

 

On the other hand, the majority of Chinese in my homeland are just obsessed with saving money. I can totally see where that comes from though. Unless we manage to emigrate and get PR in a decent country with welfare and medical benefits... we'd darn well better have a whole lot saved up, or we'll just die from disease or poverty.

[Mad Max]

Money is not everything. I'd rather make an average salary and enjoy the things I like. I look at my uncle who is now 50. He's done very well for himself financially, but he never married, never travels, keeps a car for almost 10 years and then buys a cheap one, and only works where he works because he doesn't want to take a pay cut and find a job he enjoys. He's been at the same place for almost 30 years and has complained on more than one occassion how he hates his job.

 

Point is money is nice, but you have to enjoy life as well. You can enjoy life while making an average income

[goingstrong]

Jimbo, it sounds like in the pursuit of your financial security you've let two factors affect your ability to have good friendships.

 

a. You've not developed the common memories with your old friends. This is not that important.

b. You've not developed the social skills to make friendships. This is a much bigger factor in your unhappiness.

 

You should really consider a something like a Dale C. course..... I don't want to say the whole thing as LS moderators might consider it spam

 

 

I took it 10 yrs ago, and the awareness about people dynamics that you gain is second to none. The course affects different personalities different ways. If your shy, it helps you with confidence, if you a little mean, then it helps you learn how to soften your approach...etc.. I have a really strong personality that can wither people at times, and it helped take the edge off.

[jimbo]

Have not problem socially. However, men it is hard to make them "friends" at this age. Women, no problem. Mostly, cause I do not look at them in a sexual manner. I am fine, and have done it several times walking into a party or event knowing no one and striking up a conversation with a group of people. I have no problem socializing. Though, I have no problem entertaining myself with books or hobbies when I am a lone. Most Friday and Saturday nights I am reading a new book or working on a hobby. When I was in a relationship, I would be with her. That is not an option any longer. That bridge, by no fault of my own, has been burned to the ground.

 

Who is this Dale C. you mentioned?

[RecordProducer]

I can't believe people just answered your original question and made no comments as to your post, which IMO has nothing to do with choosing between money and relationships. The only person who I think nailed it is Goingstrong who advised you of the Dale Carnegie courses. I didn't know there were such courses, but I've read some of his books (he died in 1955) and they're awesome. He was a visionary.

 

I don't think your problem is with your childhood friends or that you made a lot of money. It sounds like you have a problem making new friends as well. The easiest way to make friends is to be super-kind, sweet, generous, always smiling and laughing, talking or asking questions, to be openly interested in and concerned about other people's worries, to listen carefully, and frequently agree with them.

 

Most of all, you have to incite THEM into your life and house (e.g. to a party), not wait for them to start first. As for relationships, don't you find that your wealth aids you when asking women out?

[goingstrong]

Who is this Dale C. you mentioned?

 

Record producer answered it. The course is something on the order of a 4 hr class/ once a week over 12 weeks. It was the best money I've ever spent in my life...that and the money spent on lasik.

[jimbo]

I can't believe people just answered your original question and made no comments as to your post, which IMO has nothing to do with choosing between money and relationships. The only person who I think nailed it is Goingstrong who advised you of the Dale Carnegie courses. I didn't know there were such courses, but I've read some of his books (he died in 1955) and they're awesome. He was a visionary.

 

I don't think your problem is with your childhood friends or that you made a lot of money. It sounds like you have a problem making new friends as well. The easiest way to make friends is to be super-kind, sweet, generous, always smiling and laughing, talking or asking questions, to be openly interested in and concerned about other people's worries, to listen carefully, and frequently agree with them.

 

Most of all, you have to incite THEM into your life and house (e.g. to a party), not wait for them to start first. As for relationships, don't you find that your wealth aids you when asking women out?

 

Ah, Dale Carnegie, yea, I heard of him. Just finished reading one of his books. Very insightful. Since most of my dates are from online, it is very hard to meet women. I'm not fat, ugly, old, balding or out of shape. However, the majority of the people I work with are married. The women who are available at the workplace, I am not attracted to. So, sadly, it's been an uphill battle. One, that I am not winning. I lowered my standards, to basically just female, and look what I caught; a headache, heartache and trouble.

[goingstrong]

The course is much better than the book..money well spent.

[RecordProducer]

Since most of my dates are from online, it is very hard to meet women.

I'm sorry, I am not understanding this assertion - that it's very hard to meet women online. Social networking websites are the easiest tool to meet new people: Facebook, dating sites, blogging sites, specialized-topic chatrooms...

 

However, the majority of the people I work with are married.

That's good because you'll be married too someday! Don't they have single friends and relatives?

 

The women who are available at the workplace, I am not attracted to.

Well, you shouldn't sh*t where you eat anyway, i.e. work + sex don't go well together.

 

What happened to just approaching women anywhere? Coffee shops, night clubs, restuarants, grocery stores... You've got nothing to lose. And what about coutry clubs and professional associations?

[jimbo]

I'm sorry, I am not understanding this assertion - that it's very hard to meet women online. Social networking websites are the easiest tool to meet new people: Facebook, dating sites, blogging sites, specialized-topic chatrooms...

 

That's good because you'll be married too someday! Don't they have single friends and relatives?

 

Well, you shouldn't sh*t where you eat anyway, i.e. work + sex don't go well together.

 

What happened to just approaching women anywhere? Coffee shops, night clubs, restuarants, grocery stores... You've got nothing to lose. And what about coutry clubs and professional associations?

 

 

Not on Facebook. Dating sites are hit or miss. I get a date or two once a month, but nothing sticks. They poof after the first date. Some had tried, however, either I was not attracted to their hook up, or they will not attracted to me. I cannot approach a woman that I do not know. I've tried before, it doesn't work. Not nervous or anything, just after the intros or small talk, dead silence. I do not belong to any country clubs or professional organizations. Waste of time and a bigger waste of money.

[RecordProducer]

Not on Facebook. Dating sites are hit or miss. I get a date or two once a month, but nothing sticks. They poof after the first date. Some had tried, however, either I was not attracted to their hook up, or they will not attracted to me. I cannot approach a woman that I do not know. I've tried before, it doesn't work. Not nervous or anything, just after the intros or small talk, dead silence. I do not belong to any country clubs or professional organizations. Waste of time and a bigger waste of money.

Seriously, what do YOU think is the problem?