Cee Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 When I was younger, I was always in a relationship. Took several years off from dating and now I've done a 180 and now I'm running from relationships. At first, I didn't notice this. I have been dating and liking people, but they'd fail for whatever reason. I thought I was choosing the wrong men, but maybe that was the whole point. I was picking men who were unavailable and weren't LTR prospects. I've met a wonderful guy who is fully open for an LTR. And I can't get myself to follow through. I could so easily pick up the phone and I won't. And he isn't calling because he senses my ambivalence. So it's clear that I have a problem. How can I stop pushing good men away? This is so confusing because I was the exact opposite 10 years ago. What makes it more confusing is I enjoy being single. Part of me thinks I'd be better off staying single, but I'm not sure if that's true or my avoidant personality is taking over. Any thoughts?
Sarah1977 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I don't know, but if you figure it out please tell me because I'm in the same boat. Have you ever been married? When I was younger, I got married. And I LIKED being married. But now that I'm divorced, I feel like I just want to stay single. I'm dating. I like and enjoy who I'm dating. They obviously want a relationship. But....I just want it to stay light and casual. I'm honest about this, but It's getting to the point where I think I may just have break it off to avoid stringing a guy along. What I've learned is that no matter how honest I am about not wanting a LTR, most guys will stick around and hope I change my mind. That's not fair. I guess the reason is when you are married or in very LTR, a part of you plans your life and your future with that person. When it doesn't work out, it's not just about losing the relationship. It's feels kind of like you lose yourself a little bit. Your hopes, dreams, plans for the future, family, etc all goes up in smoke. If you spend some time single, and you finally find yourself again. But in my case, I just don't ever want to lose myself again.
northern_sky Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 My resolution for the day is to be brutally honest. Straight up, I think you're commitment phobic because you're settling for a man you're not attracted to. You said this guy is morbidly obese (100 lbs overweight). Just because you're having trouble gaining the interest of quality men doesn't mean you should throw all your standards out the window.
Sarah1977 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 You said this guy is morbidly obese (100 lbs overweight). Just because you're having trouble gaining the interest of quality men doesn't mean you should throw all your standards out the window. And what about me? My guy is totally attractive, he's financially stable, crazy smart and truly a kind person. Ten years ago, I would have been all over this guy. But now I'm just....he's fun! Let's just have fun! Nothing else!
xpaperxcutx Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 After my last relationship, I went on a self- sabotaging spree. I just want to date, I didn't care for seriousness.
northern_sky Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 And what about me? My guy is totally attractive, he's financially stable, crazy smart and truly a kind person. Ten years ago, I would have been all over this guy. But now I'm just....he's fun! Let's just have fun! Nothing else! I don't know enough about you to say. I've been following Cee's threads for awhile, and I really get the sense she is settling below what she could realistically find attractive. I think if she found a happy medium between her standards before (which may have been too high) and this guy she's dating now, she'd be willing to commit.
ConstantCraving Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 When I was younger, I was always in a relationship. Took several years off from dating and now I've done a 180 and now I'm running from relationships. At first, I didn't notice this. I have been dating and liking people, but they'd fail for whatever reason. I thought I was choosing the wrong men, but maybe that was the whole point. I was picking men who were unavailable and weren't LTR prospects. I've met a wonderful guy who is fully open for an LTR. And I can't get myself to follow through. I could so easily pick up the phone and I won't. And he isn't calling because he senses my ambivalence. So it's clear that I have a problem. How can I stop pushing good men away? This is so confusing because I was the exact opposite 10 years ago. What makes it more confusing is I enjoy being single. Part of me thinks I'd be better off staying single, but I'm not sure if that's true or my avoidant personality is taking over. Any thoughts? I don't think that you have a problem. You're just waiting for someone that you feel strongly about. If you didn't have reservations about the idea of a relationship with the "wonderful guy" you mentioned then you'd return his calls.
waynesworld Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 If you're like me, you were almost always in a relationship, and when you weren't, you were always in such a rush to get into one. Maybe you're just compensating for it now. Being single is fun! If and when the time and person are right, things will naturally progress into a long-term relationship.
Author Cee Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 Thanks so much for the feedback. I appreciate the words of support, everybody and glad I'm not alone. I truly love being single, but I haven't had an LTR in so long. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who is not dying to have a relationship. To answer your question, Sarah_1977 - Yes, I was married, but not really. It was a crazy Vegas elopement that led to divorce a year later. Northern_sky - Yeah, you called it. I know that I'm going to pass on this current guy. I knew there was trouble when I preferred watching tv than making out with him. But in the last two years, I passed on three other guys who really liked me. I had good reasons for saying no to them, but in retrospect, I'm not so sure. I'm going to enjoy my holiday weekend watching movies on Netflix with my stuffed animals as company.
musemaj11 Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Why cant you just find the hottest guy you think you might have a chance with and try your luck? You know just get it over with once and for all.
Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 And he isn't calling because he senses my ambivalence. So it's clear that I have a problem. How do you know he's not calling because he sense your ambivalence? There could be many reasons why he's not calling.
Mellisa Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 When I was younger, I was always in a relationship. Took several years off from dating and now I've done a 180 and now I'm running from relationships. At first, I didn't notice this. I have been dating and liking people, but they'd fail for whatever reason. I thought I was choosing the wrong men, but maybe that was the whole point. I was picking men who were unavailable and weren't LTR prospects. I've met a wonderful guy who is fully open for an LTR. And I can't get myself to follow through. I could so easily pick up the phone and I won't. And he isn't calling because he senses my ambivalence. So it's clear that I have a problem. How can I stop pushing good men away? This is so confusing because I was the exact opposite 10 years ago. What makes it more confusing is I enjoy being single. Part of me thinks I'd be better off staying single, but I'm not sure if that's true or my avoidant personality is taking over. Any thoughts? Hey,i can somehow relate to what's going on with you.I think what happened was you were able to look back on the past "clingy" you and thought to yourself that you would never get yourself into a situation where you were like that.You were scared of being clingy and vunlerable again probably because the times you were like that didnt end up so well so you've learned never to go there again. However, when it's good to learn lessons hard ways,you've learned how to protect yourself,but it doesnt have to block you capacity to trust and love.You'll just need to have a little bit more faith and know when to take the leap and when not to.We are afraid of getting hurt so you'll just have to choose more wisely who you take that leap with.It's a leap of faith and there is no garantee, but i think ultimately it's worth it if you doing it with someone worthwhile.
daphne Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Part of your 180 may be due to the fact that sometimes guys teach you that they prefer it when you're ambivalent. Many enjoy the chase, and shy off if you're emotionally available. So you've learned to stay aloof to avoid attachment. I do, however, believe if you found someone you were really into you might want to change the behavior. Right now you're just musing over it so this probably isn't the guy. You can't force it.
Author Cee Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 How do you know he's not calling because he sense your ambivalence? There could be many reasons why he's not calling. He's been letting me do the initiating. I asked him out on our first date, initiated the first kiss, etc. He runs with it after I initiate by planning the date and paying for it. I don't mind being the aggressor, but in this case, I am not feeling totally into it so I've pulled back. That's why I started the thread. I wasn't sure if I should call him or let things slide. I still feel conflicted because he is a great person, but I don't want to string him along. So, I'm going let it go. And I do think, it's lame of him not to initiate things. I understand he's scared of getting hurt, but aren't we all?
Recommended Posts