confuzed25 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I met a guy on a dating site 2 months ago. He is 28 and I am 24. He was in a 4 year relationship and was engaged....they just broke up about 4 months ago. His dating profile said he was looking for someone to have fun with and hang out with and that he was looking to date but nothing serious. After the 3rd date I knew I needed to know for sure what his intentions were with me and he said that he was not ready for anything serious but also was not looking for a friends with benefits. I did want a relationship and even though he warned me he wasnt ready for anything serious I decided to continue dating him thinking maybe he would change his mind if he liked me enough. He would call me every 2-3 days and we would see each other once or twice a week. He was always attentive to me, insisted on paying for everything, bought me roses, told me I looked nice, always picked me up at my house for dates. I thought things were going great....we didnt do anything physical by the way. I made the move to kiss him once on the 3rd date but he did not seem all that into it so I figured he wasnt ready and I decided to let him make the moves from then on. But he made no attempt to be physical with me at all. He also still logs onto his dating profile multiple times a day. But he continued to call me and ask me out and tell me at the end of every date that he had a great time. Well we got together last Saturday his friends met up with my friends at the bar and he was by my side the whole time and barely spoke to his buddies and when they left to go somewhere else he stayed with me. But after that night he disappeared for 5 days.....no contact from him at all. Then last night out of the blue he sends me a text message saying "happy thanskgiving" which totally surprised me because he hates texting and he doesnt seem like the kind of guy that would send out holiday greetings to anyone. But that was all he said.....even when I said "thanks, same to you" he did not try to say anything else to me. So my question is....was this doomed from the start? When he said he was not looking for anything serious is this what he meant? he wanted to hang out for a little while and then wanted to move on before either of us got too attached? I gave him plenty of space....I never questioned him as to whether we were ever going to be together or anything, I was not clingy at all. So basically I'm wondering was this him or was it me? Did he lose interest because I stopped trying to kiss him or because we acted too much like friends? I dont know what I could have done differently to prevent him from losing interest in me...
In The Green Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 You could have stopped it by not continuing after the 3rd date. Not the answer you were looking for, I know. Your post sounds like you would like a healthy relationship, a committed boyfriend. This chap doesn't fit the criteria. It doesn't matter if its been 4 months, if he had met someone who blew him out of the water he would be all over her and pulling out the stops to make it work. You know this. We all know how people act when they are really into someone. This guy is not meant for you, nor you him. Its not anyone's fault, it just is. Go out and find yourself a guy who is crazy about you (and vice versa). He exists, stay positive. You both deserve to find one another and be happy.
Sharpie Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 It was doomed from the start. I don't know why he put up an online profile so quickly after his relationship ended. He was engaged. That takes a long time to get over. He did you a favor by backing off. Even if you dated, you'd be the rebound.
Sarah1977 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 If a guy likes you, he likes you. You shouldn't have to 'play it' any particular way. Otherwise, you'd end up with a boyfriend who is only with you because he's easily manipulated. It's much better to just learn to love the ones who love you.
SignalFlare Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 It was him. But he was clear up front that he wasn't looking for anything serious so it isn't that surprising. Maybe he got back in contact with his ex or something. Just enjoy the time you had and move on! And don't go into a relationship hoping to change the other person's mind.
MissGoLightly Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 So my question is....was this doomed from the start? When he said he was not looking for anything serious is this what he meant? he wanted to hang out for a little while and then wanted to move on before either of us got too attached? I gave him plenty of space....I never questioned him as to whether we were ever going to be together or anything, I was not clingy at all. So basically I'm wondering was this him or was it me? Did he lose interest because I stopped trying to kiss him or because we acted too much like friends? I dont know what I could have done differently to prevent him from losing interest in me... He told you what he wanted, and you should've believed him. He's clearly used to being in a relationship, so I think he's just looking for that same connection without having to give anything in return, such as commitment or intimacy. He's probably just lonely and looking to fill the gap that was left when his 4 yr relationship ended. He's only been single for a handful of months!
Author confuzed25 Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 so he called me about an hour ago and left me a voicemail saying he wanted to see how my thanksgiving went and what ive been up to and to call him back when I get a chance....I called him back and he didnt answer. Then he called me back about 15 mins later. Said he went to work out and went to do a little shopping. We talked for 10 mins and he never once mentioned why he didnt talk to me for 5 days and he never mentioned the two of us hanging out again. I just kept things casual and I'm the one who said I would let him go and would talk to him later. I have no clue what is going on in this guy's head...if he wasnt interested anymore he wouldnt call me right? I want to ask him but im afraid hes going to get really annoyed with me.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Wait a minute, what??? A guy seems to disappear for 5 days OVER THANKSGIVING (which is odd, since today is the day after Thanksgiving)... and he is condemned for that? Shouldn't we at least live long enough (following this story) to rule-out any chance that he, oh, say, had PLANS to go visit family somewhere and that something relating to that didn't stop his communication? Granted it would have been nice to have been clued-in beforehand that he in this case wouldn't be in contact with this new person in his life, but maaaaaaaaaaaybe it was (way too early to dare INVITE you to Thanksgiving, and he didn't want to risk bringing it up at all). So, yes, you have reasonable concern about 5 days of disappearance, BUT until you research the fact that it coincided with a family holiday, you shouldn't give up the ghost. (particularly as he has been generally interested otherwise) (need more info before condeming him)
that girl Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 This guy is not in a position to be anyone's boyfriend. You want a boyfriend. You should stop talking to him for your own mental health.
Author confuzed25 Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 So we still havent hung out....like I said a couple days ago he did text me on thanksgiving which was Weds, then called me on Friday to see what Ive been up to and how my thanksgiving was but he never mentioned us hanging out again. Then Saturday he was at work but I texted him anyway just saying I hope his work day goes good. He texted me back quickly and we had a short conversation via text. Still no mention of us getting together. Now today I have not heard a word from him. I'm very frustrated because I cant figure out why hes drifting away from me. I really want to send him an email asking him whats going on and how he feels about me but what should I say? Give me some ideas please
welikeincrowds Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Why an email? That seems like phone call material.
Author confuzed25 Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 i have a very hard time saying what I feel when I talk to someone. It always comes out wrong and/or sounds really stupid. Plus I always forget things I want to say. I think I just need to say what I feel and get it off my chest. I feel like this is going to be the guy that got away....I really feel like we are meant to be together but met at the wrong time or something. I am very picky and this guy is exactly what im looking for, seriously. We have all the same interests and the same views on things. When we talk about anything....family, marriage, children, careers....we have the same views on things. Its crazy....I've never found anyone who I feel is so perfect for me. Personality and everything too....hes outgoing and you can tell he respects women and wants to treat someone like a princess. We even grew up in the same hometown, went to the same grade school but never knew one another. We know a ton of the same people but we never met until the dating site. I'm really gonna beat myself up if I let this one get away....I will always wonder what I did wrong or why I wasnt good enough that he didnt want me.
Author confuzed25 Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 so I sent him an email basically saying that i like him and noticed lately that he has acted like he is not interested in me anymore. i said that i understand he just got out of a serious relationship and that he made it clear that he is not looking for anything serious and i understand that and respect the fact that he is not trying to jump into anything so soon. i thanked him for being honest to me in the beginning and told him that i was at the point in my life where i wanted to have a healthy mature relationship and couldnt continue to date someone who didnt see this ever going anywhere. I just asked him to let me know what he was thinking and to be honest with me so i could move on if we were never going to be more than just friends. he read the email but never responded....that was about 45 mins ago so maybe he still will. but if not, im just astounded. he didnt seem like the type who would just not respond. alls he had to do was write 1 sentence....no im not interested or yes i do like you and would like to try to work things out. WTF?
nittanylion Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Hold on girl, I think you go wayyyyy to fast on this guy. Give the man a break. I give him alot of credit for being honest with you. He got out of a serious long term relationship of 4 years. You need to understand that his feeling is not there for you yet or will it ever be? I am afraid if you might be his rebound! You need to tread this carefully otherwise you will be in serious hurt down the line. At this point, he is not ready to jump into a new relationship with you. He still has feeling the lost of his relationship with his ex. So i think you shouldnt push him hard cause if you do push, he will ran away from you. Give some times to recoup himself emotionally. Who know? He might want to give it a shot with you in the future. Just be there and be his friend, and dont put too much your emotion into him.
Author confuzed25 Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 I totally am giving him a break...I respect how honest he was with me and I totally understand he just got out of a serious relationship and I said that multiple times in the email I sent him. I told him I understood that he just got out of a serious relationship and I respect him a lot for not wanting to jump into anything so soon. I thanked him for being honest with me and I told him what a good guy I think he is and that I totally understand he may want to be single for awhile or meet new people. But that im in a different place in my life right now and I cant keep "dating" someone that never sees us being together
Star Gazer Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 After the 3rd date I knew I needed to know for sure what his intentions were with me and he said that he was not ready for anything serious but also was not looking for a friends with benefits. I did want a relationship and even though he warned me he wasnt ready for anything serious I decided to continue dating him thinking maybe he would change his mind if he liked me enough. This is where you went wrong. When a guy tells you want he wants, or in this case specifically what he doesn't want (a relationship), you HAVE to listen to him! You can't go on thinking you'll be his exception. You can't put your needs and wants aside in the hopes he'll change his mind. It rarely, rarely happens. I gave him plenty of space....I never questioned him as to whether we were ever going to be together or anything This obviously contradicts your first statement above.
northern_sky Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Oh man. You should take a look at my threads. You're in an almost identical situation to what I was. Abandon ship! This is going nowhere. Believe me. I wish I had left sooner. You don't realize the amount of heartache you may be in store for if you keep seeing him.
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