anned80 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Please be patient with me! Overview: 30 year old professional woman, currently legally separated but will be divorced in about a week. I am completely over my marriage and felt ready to date. Together with my husband for 9 years/married 3 years; husband was a liar/cheater/double life. I am not bitter about love and do not think all men act this way although I think the situation has made me more cautious but I am more sure of what I want in love/relationship than ever before. Started online dating about two months ago. My first actual meeting was about a month ago with a man named Dave. The connection was INSTANT and it was mutual. We talked for three hours without a pause and it felt like only 3 minutes had pasted. There was also physical chemistry. End of date there was a passionate kiss. He texted me the next date and told me what a great time. Called me the day after that to set up 2nd date. Then texted every other day after to say "hi" - I let him do all initating but always reciprocated when he contacted me (always answered texts and phone calls in a pleasant, upbeat manner). In the meantime, I was still going on dates - I wasn't sure if my date with Dave was so great because I hadn't dated in so long or because we actually had a connection. After going on more dates I soon realized the connection with Dave was real. Went on 2nd date with Dave, it was amazing - we had dinner and then drinks. He complimented me a lotc, the conversation was great and he heistated (said he normally didnt ask this on a 2nd date) but asked me back to his place. PAssionate kissing/making out for several hours (I felt like I was in high school) - I wanted to do more but didn't think it was appropriate. Several times in conversations on dates he has mentioned that he's not a "one night stand" guy and needs a connection with someone. I have just gotten the impression he is more of a "relationship" person, he said he was looking for someone "amazing". After 2nd date, he immediately made 3rd date - before I even left his house. He texted me again the next day to tell me what a great time he had. Third date again was amazing - we had sex and it was passionate and awesome. I spent the night, we had sex in the morning. The next day after I left his place he texted "How's it going?" he didn't ask me on a 4th date and didn't say anything about having a good time. I obviously don't want to sound insecure so I am my usual bubbly self and ask him about his day and encourage him (he is a lawyer and is working long hours). So... our 3rd date was last Saturday. He has texted me every other day but STILL has not made plans to see me again. Texts have just been one or two lines - not a whole conversation. I do know for a fact on Monday/Tuesday he worked 30 hours between those days (he is a lawyer). On Monday (two days after 3rd date) I noticed he took his profile off dating website - this could be a good thing, right? If/when I do see him again would it be appropriate to casually mention I noticed he took down his profile? Maybe that will give me a little more clarity. If he does say he took it down because he doesnt want to see other people - what does that mean (I know I sound like I'm 14)? Does that mean we are girlfriend/boyfriend or are there multiple levels of exclusivity? Am I being paranoid? I've been out of the loop for so long. I obviously want to give him space and I'm not the kind of person that needs to speak to someone 30 times a day and see them every second. A date once or twice a week in the beginning is completely fine. I'm just anxious because there hasn't been follow-up from him about meeting again and it's been a week but we've still talked (but only through text). I just don't want to become a "friend with benefits". The connection seemed very real/genuine - we have a lot in common. Advice? Thoughts? Please be kind... it's been a long time.
jimbo Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Are you in the US? If so, do you know it is Thanksgiving?
SignalFlare Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I would wait a couple more days for him to make a date. If he still doesn't, then ask when he'll be free to see you again. If he gives only a vague answer then unfortunately it's time to move on. =/
MissGoLightly Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Cut the guy a break and ask him out this time.
elastica Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Yes I think you might be a little bit paranoid about this. I understand it must be difficult (we have all been there), but please be patient, because some men get scared by the slightest sign of insecurity. If you really need to overanalyze the situation, think about his personality - you didn't share to much information in your post about this. For example, is he kind of shy? If he is, then maybe he would like to be contacted by you now. Some men need assurance more than others, even if the seem totally confident. Could it be that you did not show him clearly how much you like him? I am just asking this because you mentioned that you haven't been dating for long, and I know people tend to forget to express their feelings after being in a relationship for long time. Also, some people are just like this. When they start to date, they do not want to text/call too often, but it doesn't mean he is not thinking about you. But these are just some possibilities. How many relationships did you have in your life all together? There are really weird people out there, you know! be careful. Anyway, don't think too much, it will not give you answers. In this situation I would wait for a few days and then text the guy something.
Author anned80 Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 Thank you everyone for your thoughts. He is extremely confident and I like that about him. The first two dates he was assertive and planned everything. I spent my entire marriage with someone who was lazy and I had to do everything so it's really important for me to be with someone that is motivated. I thought I was kind of being paranoid and silly about the whole thing. In terms of contacting him and asking him out myself - I don't want too. I actually am very assertive an confident too but I don't want to seem desperate and I feel like since he clearly is capable of planning things, etc that he will do that if he wants to. I have been very appreciative and kind on our dates - thanking him for dinner, opening door, etc. However, the day after we had sex I neglected to tell Jim o had a really good time - I think this is insecurity. Part of me is scared to be rejected so I want him to say things first. These are things I'm working through. My entire marriage my husband basically rejected me, wouldn't have sex with me, etc. I'm very attractive (not being cocky) and I know I'm a good catch - just a little insecurity which I would prefer not to show him because I know a lot of it is paranoia. For all he knows im cool as a cucumber - havent asked him if he likes me, status, etc - completely nonchalant! Hence why I came to this site!
Jannah Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Insecurity stemming from him being proactive planning dates up until you slept together, and now he's cooled off in that regard. Makes sense. I suppose some men grow more attached after the fact whereas others don't for reasons unknown. It is the holidays, and it's only been one week post, so let things sit for a bit and see how it goes.
MissGoLightly Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 If you don't want to ask him out, then don't, but asking someone out that you've gone on 3 dates with and seen naked is far from being or seeming to be, insecure or desperate. For all you know, he is thinking "OK, I did all the work and initiating on the first 3 dates, if she were interested she would reach out to me by now."
Author anned80 Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 And I think books like "The Rules" and a lot of other advice sites have completely screwed with me. There is too much to think about! Some of the points are valid but I shouldn't be so paranoid to send a text first that just says "hope you are having a nice day". What are the men's thoughts on women asking them out? I know for sure (because he told me) that he likes a challenge in his relationships so I don't want to make myself too available. And yes I'm 10000% aware I'm completely being neurotic and overanalyzing. Better to do it on here with you guys then show that to him - would not be appealing!
MissGoLightly Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I know for sure (because he told me) that he likes a challenge in his relationships so I don't want to make myself too available. Oh, then maybe you shouldn't have slept with him yet. Not to add to your insecurity or anything That kind of statement usually, IMO, means the guy likes the chase, which is all over once you sleep with him. Hopefully Jim is more mature than that I think you should reach out to him, even if it's just to give him a call or a text, but continue to date other men.
KraftDinner Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I hate to be so blunt, but if he was interested he would have set up another date by now. Sounds like he's trying to keep you on the back-burner, but no, you aren't being paranoid. He's all chase-y until you guys sleep together and then he's just all, "Hey, how are you?" every couple days...? Yeah, he's not interested. But wants to keep you around just in case.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 he has mentioned that he's not a "one night stand" guy How does that actually compute to jumping into bed on the third date? People who do not sleep around have more self control. I'm curious to who initiated.
Mad Max Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 In terms of contacting him and asking him out myself - I don't want too. I actually am very assertive an confident too but I don't want to seem desperate and I feel like since he clearly is capable of planning things, etc that he will do that if he wants to. That's an excuse not to make the first move. You will not get what you want by being passive. You don't want to contact him, well then you're going to lose out, no matter which man you're interested in.
elastica Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 And I think books like "The Rules" and a lot of other advice sites have completely screwed with me. There is too much to think about! Some of the points are valid but I shouldn't be so paranoid to send a text first that just says "hope you are having a nice day". What are the men's thoughts on women asking them out? I know for sure (because he told me) that he likes a challenge in his relationships so I don't want to make myself too available. And yes I'm 10000% aware I'm completely being neurotic and overanalyzing. Better to do it on here with you guys then show that to him - would not be appealing! Please don't be paranoid about a single message. Think about it, what can happen?? If he likes you - you will make him happy. If he is for some reason not so much into you - one message will not change it! I used to be like you, being paranoid about a small thing like that. Then I realized I need to treat people the way I would want to be treated!! Maybe he thinks, if you are not contacting him, why should he be contacting you?
Author anned80 Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 We have been in contact. He has texted me every other day and yesterday I texted him to say hi (first time reaching out first). That is why I'm confused. We are speaking. He is not away for the holiday - I know he is also renovating a house. His amount of contact has not changed over the entire time we have been dating. I was not insecure about the situation until we had sex and he hasn't set up a next date. That I'd when I started to get confused because he's still contacting me but just not set anything up. People need to understand I haven't done this in 10 years. I read a bunch of books that basically say not to ever call man first or ask him out an then other people says it's fine. I'm just confused. It's just odd to me that if he isn't interested that he is still texting me. Also, I find it odd that he has been on the dating website since July and just happened to take his profile down two days after what I thought was an amazing 3rd date. I will wait until Tuesday? And if he hasn't asked me out by then I will say something. Also, if he DOES ask me out between now and then would it be appropriate to mention that I notices he tool his profile down?
Author anned80 Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 I guess I came to the conclusion that he was confident because he contacted me first, he set up the first date, he was not nervous, he kissed me first, he led the way. He is just confident. Although, I guess I could see POSSIBLE hints of insecurity - for instance, the first time he sent me an email on the dating website he said "So... I'm never quite sure how to start these out." That seemed a little insecure. And on our second date he said "Isn't this a good place for a date?" possibly wanting reassurance. I guess now I would feel weird going back and telling him what an amazing time I had last weekend - I think that would sound desperate. I'm just scared, I guess. I know peopple are rolling their eyes but I put myself out there for 10 years to constantly be rejected. It's just hard to get back in there and I want to do the "right" thing. I don't want to seem too eager even though I really like him because I don't want to scare him away. Another thing, if he does ask me out and I ask him about the profile and he says that he took it down because he wants to be exclusive. Would I be able to ask for clarification - I have no idea what that is - does that mean we are girlfriend/boyfriend or does it mean we just aren't dating other people? Also, would it be appropriate just to say that I'm really enjoying getting to know him but I'm not looking for a friends with benefit arrangement. I would hope that I wouldn't need to say all this and he would make it clear but I just don't want to be pushy too soon.
elastica Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I guess I came to the conclusion that he was confident because he contacted me first, he set up the first date, he was not nervous, he kissed me first, he led the way. He is just confident. Although, I guess I could see POSSIBLE hints of insecurity - for instance, the first time he sent me an email on the dating website he said "So... I'm never quite sure how to start these out." That seemed a little insecure. And on our second date he said "Isn't this a good place for a date?" possibly wanting reassurance. I guess now I would feel weird going back and telling him what an amazing time I had last weekend - I think that would sound desperate. I'm just scared, I guess. I know peopple are rolling their eyes but I put myself out there for 10 years to constantly be rejected. It's just hard to get back in there and I want to do the "right" thing. I don't want to seem too eager even though I really like him because I don't want to scare him away. Another thing, if he does ask me out and I ask him about the profile and he says that he took it down because he wants to be exclusive. Would I be able to ask for clarification - I have no idea what that is - does that mean we are girlfriend/boyfriend or does it mean we just aren't dating other people? Also, would it be appropriate just to say that I'm really enjoying getting to know him but I'm not looking for a friends with benefit arrangement. I would hope that I wouldn't need to say all this and he would make it clear but I just don't want to be pushy too soon. I would strongly recommend that you do not do anything like that, do not mention his profile, do not mention exclusivity, do not ask if u are bf/gf. I would run away if a person asked me things like that on our 3rd date, even if we had sex. Actually, it did happen to me before, it was really an unpleasant situation! Just take it easy and have fun! Also, are you completely sure that you are ready to date? Please do not take me wrong, I hope I am not rude or anything, but sometimes you sound like a person who is very much afraid of being single.
Author anned80 Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 Oh and one other thing that I remember might show insecurity. We emailed back in forth for about a week and finally he sent me and email saying something like, "Say, would you like to meet for a drink tonight? If not or if you are busy that's totally fine." Maybe he is insecure but can play confident. I know I do that really well so I guess he could be doing that too? I hate all this - it's too much thought. The fact of the matter is there was a connection the first 5 minutes we met - just one of those things. I know he felt it too because he told me. I find it hard to believe that was all an act. As far as a challenge is concerned - he is ivy league educated and I kind of think he probably meant that after a certain time he is not really mentally challenged anymore. He probably meant in a physical sense too but he basically said he has normally dated women for 9-10 months and then he get "bored" and is not "stimulated." I also tend to need a challenge. Anyway, I'm really hoping that I'm just making a big deal out of nothing and that he asks me out again because what I felt was really genuine - I like this guy a lot (as much as you can like someone after 3 amazing dates).
Author anned80 Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 Haha - yes, I feel very ready to date. I've just been out of the loop for so long I don't really know what I'm doing and I don't want to make a fool of myself. There are so many opinions from everyone. To me, if you meet someone online and you see that they take their profile down I would think it would be normal to ask since you are seeing them and all of the sudden their profile is not there anymore. I guess maybe not? I know I'm neurotic. I'm extremely analytical and I overanalyze everything - I am very well aware of it. I know I sound like I'm 15. It's funny because I bet if you met me in person you would think I had so much confidence and had it all together - I tend to get a lot of "you are so sure of yourself". As I think to myself - they have no clue. My point of coming on here was basically to be able to get all this out. I would not show this side of myself to him - I know it is weird to be putting this much though into. I guess I just want to make it clear that I'm aware that I'm overthinking this, I'm not dellusional.
elastica Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 What I was trying to say is that men are usually sure about, and in one way or another, they do let you know if they want you to be their gf... So I would wait if he is willing to talk to me about why he took his profile off! I mean, sending a text message is one thing, so yes, you should do that as a sing of interest. But bringing up exclusivity after 3 dates?? Also, it is kind of funny that you are making a problem out of sending him one text message, but want to ask him about exclusivity after 3 dates. Please don't get me wrong. I am sure everything will work out soon for you. :rolleyes: Just stop thinking so much!
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