Confronting an alternate reality

[teeg]

It’s impossible to subject a relationship or its issues to a simple set of well structured paragraphs. So intially, I feel like no matter how many words I compose, there aren’t enough adjectives to announce how I feel or how deep the situation affects. But in other ways, I’m comforted, as I know if anyone knows the feelings....the pain....the joy...the heart....it may be here.

 

I’m 28 years old, she’s 30 years old and we’ve been together for approximately 12+ years, married for the last 4+. So if you do the math, I was 16, she was 18, we found each other, found companionship and held on to each other. We now live in our house with two cats and our dog, with no kids. We are relatively financial stable, just your average middle class folks.

 

I’m not going to lie. I’m here for validation, pointers, education, sympathy, understanding and flat out criticism. I’m human, not perfect and definitely prone to mistakes.

 

Let me start out with the “small things”. To me, these are the things that I should be able to work through. These are the differences, that while troubling and often could lead to a separation with in the relationship, they could be worked on...compromised, etc. We simply seem to be opposite personality wise, she’s a homebody and I’m an active person. I think that as we’ve aged and made more money, we’ve become more of what we are....at least I have. I’m on the move constantly. I have trouble staying still. If I’m not studying for work classes, I’m walking the dog, working out, being productive. I find it hard to sit, watch TV and just chill....but I do try to do this, as this is what she does best. I’m the guy that does all the dishes, cleans counters, stoves, bathrooms, carpets, cars, garages, mows the lawn, house projects. She does fold the hell out of a basket of clothes though! She’s a TV watcher from the moment she gets home until right before she goes to bed.....Monday thru Friday, ass on couch. She doesn’t like going out to concerts and more recently she didn’t really enjoy our vacation to Mexico....while I the opposite have never felt more comfortable in my life. I want to do things that bring us closer together, but for her it seems like anything that involves leaving the house is more of a chore than an exciting bonding activity. Two things we do really well together, eat and shop...............so these are some of those “little things”.

 

 

Here’s the b-o-m-b. Here is the thing I’m having trouble with...big time. The seeming...deal breaker, but in combination with my other small grievances really pushes things over the edge. We’ve been trying to have children for the past four years. When I was younger, one of the things that I had as a “qualifier” is.....would this girl make a good mother to children.....it’s a big deal to me and a large portion of why I found her so appealing, she would make a fantastic mother. We’ve had one miscarriage and one ectopic pregnancy. They were both tough on both of us, but thankfully they were relatively early in the pregnancy. The big problem for me is that my wife smokes and has continued to smoke. I have attempted to encourage her, offer support through my employers spousal cessation program, provided literature explaining the link between ectopic AND miscarriages and smoking(google it....the research is out there). We have both been to “specialists” and are seemingly fine, I’m normal and she has “aged” eggs....but all other stuff is perfect. But she still continues to smoke and having a kid to me is a pretty serious deal. I don’t know how to scream it loud enough.....but....I WANT MY OWN KID. Her smoking is like a constant punch in the face. It also has me thinking “logically” that her smoking has potentially terminated the first two pregnancies.....at the very least they have prevented an optimal atmosphere. So essentially, I have a wife whose habit is interfering with one of my serious life goals and a major factor in selecting her as my life long partner.

 

I’m not sure if its my ego....or if its just human nature, but I want my own child. I haven’t traveled the adoption route in my mind. I have resentment within. Further fertility treatments are pending and I think a real heart to heart is going to come about very soon. I’m fearful that if the treatments are not successful, I’ll never forgive her for the pregnancies lost or for the opportunity I feel she’s flushed down the toilet.

 

I’m traveling mentally down roads I’ve never been. Divorce, failure..etc. We’ve always been the couple that survives and endures. Amongst friends we’ve simply always been together, never apart. Ultimately I feel like I’ve chosen to be with someone because I’m fearful of being alone....not because she makes me a better person. I feel like I’ve tried to apply logic to my reasons for loving her...ie it makes sense, we get along well. At this point...I just don’t know. I feel like I’ve climbed the fence between the old life and possible divorced life and while it scares the living **** out of me......I’ve got to compromise one way or the other.

 

Thoughts ?

[teeg]

I'm really looking to see if I'm off base for considering ending my marriage due to my wife not quitting smoking. Four years of attempting, two years of knowing/understanding the effects of smoking she continues to do it.

 

She "wants" to be pregnant, but not willing to commit herself 100% to what it takes to prepare for it.

[Surfer203]

Your relationship kind of mirrors mine.. together since late teenage years, married relatively early.. no kids, I do all of the work, wife is a TV fiend. However, the baby thing had not quite happened yet, we planned on trying in September or October (obviouslly that is not happening because she is gone now). For me, the relationship was worth it but I see things for you are different. It seems like you have given her a lot of patience. Have you been completely open in discussing what you want to change? If not, she has no fair chance of making things better and possibly swaying your opinions on your relationship.

[teeg]

Your relationship kind of mirrors mine.. together since late teenage years, married relatively early.. no kids, I do all of the work, wife is a TV fiend. However, the baby thing had not quite happened yet, we planned on trying in September or October (obviouslly that is not happening because she is gone now). For me, the relationship was worth it but I see things for you are different. It seems like you have given her a lot of patience. Have you been completely open in discussing what you want to change? If not, she has no fair chance of making things better and possibly swaying your opinions on your relationship.

 

I've been open in showing her the effects of smoking and how they can lessen the chance of getting pregnant....as well as how they can cause miscarriage's + ectopic pregnancy. But I haven't or don't think I'll make an ultimatum. I don't think I've been put first in this relationship for a long time....and I don't think, based on the past 12 years, that will ever change.

 

I'm just really scared of being on my own, alone......but the more I think about it, the more I realize I'm alone already.

[Surfer203]

teeg: I know how you feel. I was emotionally alone about 1 1/2 months before my wife moved out. Horrible feeling. Sounds like your wife is stubborn and is not using her head. The root of many marriage troubles...

[chattymama]

Hi Teeg, I just signed up for this forum but read your summary of your situation.

 

First of all, please stop trying to get pregnant until you know for sure that you want to be with your wife. Myself and several other women on a different forum went through the experience of getting pregnant, and some obtained fertility treatments to do so, only to be left by our H's during the pregnancy! Several of us were left for other women (like moi), but not all. One husband came back after the baby was born; another came and went but was having an emotional crisis.

 

Second of all, does she know that you have one foot out the door? She may not believe you. You might need to do some major wake up call to show her that you are seriously unhappy and need her to seriously make some changes. One way to do that is to tell her you need her to make these changes or you will need some time to decide if you want to stay in the marriage. Of course you would be telling her this in an open and honest way, not threatening.

 

If she is receptive, great. You tell her what you need and ask her what she needs. How has counseling helped you guys yet? Have you checked out www.marriagebuilders.com? You can get a love busters questionnaire and another one to identify your emotional needs (both of you) all for free.

 

I think the next step before divorcing her is that if she still isn't showing that she wants to change or is willing, then you can start doing some of the 180s like going to counseling on your own, being fully involved in other activities and stop doing the things you usually do (like all the housework and stuff). They are more clues that you are serious. You do this stuff for 3-6 months. During this time, YOU don't bring up the relationship but if she does, then you listen and tell her what you need (again). Usually all of these 180s that you do result in the spouse acting confused and asking questions and wondering what is up with you.... DUH!

 

Ok now, where am I getting this stuff? From Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting. She is a divorce lawyer and a marriage therapist! There is more but I figured this was enough to get started.

 

ANd one more thing--I was left, as I stated, and joined the Divorce Busting forum, where 100% people were the left behind spouses. Guess what caused ALL OF US to take action and sit up and be motivated to change? When our spouses moved out of the house. When our spouses PROVED they were serious. Of course there were other signs like being ignored and watching our spouses start to have a separate life. And probably 80-90% of the spouses who left were having affairs (I am not exaggerating).

 

So what do you think? Oh and a question- how much does she smoke per day? Honestly--is it less than a pack? (I know, any amount of smoking is bad but I have a good friend who has had an ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage and she is a nonsmoker. She is in excellent health and in her mid 20s. The third time, she got pregnant but still had some problems)

[teeg]

Had a really good chat with my best pal last night, he was the best man at my wedding. He married early too, but has kids and is seemingly happy in his marriage. He told me about their continued "spark" and I elated to how I haven't seen one in our lives in many years.

 

I continue to say this, because this is the thing that makes me the most uneasy......I think we are together because we are more scared of being alone, than happy. It's difficult to think of a time where we genuinely reciprocated love exclusively, physical or emotional. We think logically about things in a very similar manner, but our hearts don't seem to jive the same way.....i zig, she zags.

 

My conversation last night with my pal, helped me a bit. I just need affirmation that I wasn't crazy or thinking of myself in a light that didn't really represent me. What I've really discovered is how unhappy I am with our marriage in general.....not just the whole child thing.

 

It's going to be hard to open up my heart and my feelings. I don't want to hurt someone I love, but I know tomorrow is always going to hurt worse than today.

[teeg]

So what do you think? Oh and a question- how much does she smoke per day? Honestly--is it less than a pack? (I know, any amount of smoking is bad but I have a good friend who has had an ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage and she is a nonsmoker. She is in excellent health and in her mid 20s. The third time, she got pregnant but still had some problems)

 

She smokes approx a pack a day and has for 12ish years. My big eye opening moment was when, I asked myself.........if in 5 years, tens of thousands of dollars spent would I resent her for not giving us the best possible "chance"......and the answer is absolutely 100% without a doubt.

[chattymama]

Your mind is already made up. Just throw in the towel and divorce her. Walk away--it's just marriage. So you are done and want to see what else is out there. Great, have a blast! You will go out and get laid and then you know what will happen? You will feel more lonely than you do know because of the lack of emotional intimacy.

 

Maybe you already have someone, hmmm?

 

THE GRASS IS NEVER GREENER--YOU SHOULD WATER THE LAWN YOU HAVE!

[willowthewisp]

teeg,

 

I had been avoiding posting on your thread bc as I sure you aware from reading my thread, I cannot handle an "attack" form anyone right now. However, you have asked for honest replies so here goes...love and marriage is not about what one person will or won't provide for another. You said you married her because a big factor was her producing children for you and now you are thinking of leaving bc she won't stop smoking in order to do that. (I really think these other problems you started off saying could be fixed are now getting blown out of proportion in order to self justify).

 

Let me ask you, what if you met another women, fell in love, married her and then found she is infertile or you are? You going to leave again?

 

You have a long relationship with your wife that took a long time to build and a lot of effort to get on track, you owe it to yourself as well as your wife to try and fix this marriage before you bail. I get you want your own children, but we can't always have everything we want. Children are a blessing, whether you produce them or whether you give a loving home to one who doesn't have one.

 

What Chattymama says above is so true. I recently joined a dating site and the nightmare I am having on there is unbeleiveable. It's not easy to find someone who will love you for you and is not just out for themselves. Take some time to read some of the guys threads on here that have had their wives leave for other men. You have a loving wife, faithful, don't throw away someone you love for the chance that there is someone better.....

 

You need to talk to her and be honest, but you also need to compromise and work with her to find a solution.

[sirweasles]

Ok first off I am fighting for every piece of ground I can get from my wife. she has tried to get me to quit smoking before and he end result is that REGARDLESS OF POPULAR BELIEF SOME PEOPLE ARE PHYSICALY AND MENTALY UNABLE TO QUIT this is what makes smoking one of the worst habits you will ever pick up on the other hand did she smoke when you married her if so than go jump in your own self important porta john becouse you are an oath breaker go read through your wedding vows you do understand that was you giving your word that it was you who said I do it wasnt your buddy your buddy is happy because he puts effort into the relation ship he doesnt anilize and try to manipulate his spouse i want you to read the acctual percentage of women who have problems carrying a child do to smoking then I want you to go to an open space grab your neck and pull your head out if you cant appreciate your spouce for them if they have to meet some retarded goal to be good enough for you then I hope you have the lonelyest life on the planet you dont need a shopping list to pick a spouse you need heart and alot of work and dedication you sound like one who should have gone to kmart instead of walmart to get yours off the shelf you get them more active by finding what they like to do actively not by doing what you want to do. YOU NEED TO FIX YOUR SELF FIRST.

[sirweasles]

I appaligize for the run ons and for the blunt I am fighting my own demons and get really heated really easy Marrige is special its honestly the hardest thing a person will ever indure the pain is unimaginable the love is beyond spectacular the disapointments are unfathomable and the contentment unbelievable. anymore you can pull a marriage out of a cracker jack box and through it away just as quick becouse nobody wants to fight for the unreachable any more its the drop an go who cares right if your not happy theres others out there but wait have we ever stopped to look in the mirror what if its us who has the problem not that person we just dropped that cant even get out of bed becouse of the damage we just did to there hearts. Its usually always one week link being the one who thinks there are the tough one but the gon got tough and wow the tough got goin and didnt even wave on the way out the door.if you are a man be a man through that must have list in the sewer where it belongs and get onto repairing what you have infront of you. If rolls were reversed and she rode you all the time accused you of being the problem for loosing the pregnancys how badly would you want to go out how badly would you want to conceed and follow along smoking is one of the worlds greatest stress relievers think about it less stress o wait the leading cause for miscarredges is STRESS lay off.

[teeg]

Your mind is already made up. Just throw in the towel and divorce her. Walk away--it's just marriage. So you are done and want to see what else is out there. Great, have a blast! You will go out and get laid and then you know what will happen? You will feel more lonely than you do know because of the lack of emotional intimacy.

 

Maybe you already have someone, hmmm?

 

THE GRASS IS NEVER GREENER--YOU SHOULD WATER THE LAWN YOU HAVE!

 

I feel like I'm watering sand in hopes that there are seeds.

 

I'm attempting to peel back these feelings with conversations with her, to open up some dialogue.

 

 

 

We spoke last night and I basically let her know my emotional needs weren't being met in our relationship and I wanted to find a way to get back to that. We discussed being in love and she let me know she wasn't in love with me either. She basically says that this is "how marriage is", that it's "supposed to be boring"...."sex is supposed to feel like a chore" and it basically has for the past 10 years of our 12 year relationship.

 

She ended the conversation by letting me know that I should find another girlfriend and move on. I sure hope this is the volcano explosion and not how she really feels. I really do want us to fight for us and discover what brought us together. I would much rather find happiness in this relationship than to move on.

 

As heartless as I may seem, I feel my initial posts were my venting in some ways. I need to know that my "feelings" are worthy of being addressed in our relationship. Hopefully we can continue to at the very least hold conversations and talk about how we feel. I just want us to be happy, regardless of where that takes us.

[teeg]

Ok first off I am fighting for every piece of ground I can get from my wife. she has tried to get me to quit smoking before and he end result is that REGARDLESS OF POPULAR BELIEF SOME PEOPLE ARE PHYSICALY AND MENTALY UNABLE TO QUIT this is what makes smoking one of the worst habits you will ever pick up on the other hand did she smoke when you married her if so than go jump in your own self important porta john becouse you are an oath breaker go read through your wedding vows you do understand that was you giving your word that it was you who said I do it wasnt your buddy your buddy is happy because he puts effort into the relation ship he doesnt anilize and try to manipulate his spouse i want you to read the acctual percentage of women who have problems carrying a child do to smoking then I want you to go to an open space grab your neck and pull your head out if you cant appreciate your spouce for them if they have to meet some retarded goal to be good enough for you then I hope you have the lonelyest life on the planet you dont need a shopping list to pick a spouse you need heart and alot of work and dedication you sound like one who should have gone to kmart instead of walmart to get yours off the shelf you get them more active by finding what they like to do actively not by doing what you want to do. YOU NEED TO FIX YOUR SELF FIRST.

 

You seem like a good guy. I smoked for awhile too and understand how difficult quitting can be. I also know how easy it is for people to make excuses for themselves saying it's "impossible".

 

I can accept that she hasn't yet quit. What I can't accept is the lack of effort and acknowledgment to work towards a shared common goal. It's just like an alcoholism addiction, a gambling addiction....anything. I know it will be hard, but I offer support, options, drugs, doctors and genuinely try to make things better for the both of us.

 

Thank for the feedback!

[teeg]

teeg,

 

I had been avoiding posting on your thread bc as I sure you aware from reading my thread, I cannot handle an "attack" form anyone right now. However, you have asked for honest replies so here goes...love and marriage is not about what one person will or won't provide for another. You said you married her because a big factor was her producing children for you and now you are thinking of leaving bc she won't stop smoking in order to do that. (I really think these other problems you started off saying could be fixed are now getting blown out of proportion in order to self justify).

 

Let me ask you, what if you met another women, fell in love, married her and then found she is infertile or you are? You going to leave again?

 

You have a long relationship with your wife that took a long time to build and a lot of effort to get on track, you owe it to yourself as well as your wife to try and fix this marriage before you bail. I get you want your own children, but we can't always have everything we want. Children are a blessing, whether you produce them or whether you give a loving home to one who doesn't have one.

 

What Chattymama says above is so true. I recently joined a dating site and the nightmare I am having on there is unbeleiveable. It's not easy to find someone who will love you for you and is not just out for themselves. Take some time to read some of the guys threads on here that have had their wives leave for other men. You have a loving wife, faithful, don't throw away someone you love for the chance that there is someone better.....

 

You need to talk to her and be honest, but you also need to compromise and work with her to find a solution.

 

You are definitely right. I'm don't feel focused on finding the "right one", I just don't want to continue to be with the "wrong one" because that is where I've been.

[teeg]

 

What a difference talking makes. I wanted to report back and let all know that everything is well in my household.

 

Instead of thinking about these issues, I finally brought them up to her. It was a rough couple of days. I didn't realize how much her smoking had an affect on me. It was a big deal. She didn't realize it either.

 

There were lots of tears, because there was a lot of pain. There were lots of moments of doubt, because we both were scared of getting hurt. I was at a crossroads and I had to do something about it.

 

She quit smoking about a week after our in depth conversation, with the help of the patch.....she is now smoke free....which is AWESOME !!!

 

We have seen a counselor to talk about things and just make sure we're "okay" in general. We are spending more time together, finding ways to hold conversations and finding ways to communicate.

 

 

 

 

Marriage can be a beautiful thing. Just continue to communicate as much as you can. So happy I had a place to vent here, but don't plan on trying to make it back

[Duckduckgoose]

WOOHOO!!!!!

 

I am soo happy for you and I just now read all your posts for the first time! I am really happy ya'll worked it out!!! This gives me faith that I will one day have a marriage with someone worthwhile and not like my stbxH!!!

 

I hope you make the cutest babies ever known to the human race!:love:

 

Just stick together with your wife through the hard times please don't let them break you I beg! You are a better man than some who runnoft at the first sign of troubles. I love you and I don't even know you!:love: