First Time Post by a Heartbroken Wife

[d'Azur]

This is my first time posting on any type of internet forum and I actually came by LoveShack by mistake.

 

I was not and have never looked to share my problems with anyone other than my family and in the past counsellors so the best place to begin is how I found this site.

 

I have been checking my husbands internet history and a couple of months ago I found this site.

 

It would probably help to add at this point that I found out almost one year ago that he had been having an affair with a work colleague.

 

So I found this site and automatically assumed he was looking at porn but at that time our relationship seemed to be recovering well so I left it alone but still checked his history periodically and the site has not appeared since but the last month or so his attitude has changed and his internet history has been cleared so I thought I would look at the site to see if it had any relevance to his mood change, needless to say I was shocked to see it was a relationship forum.

 

I have no idea if my husband has posted on here or if he just reads others posts so do not want to go into to much detail at the moment, it may be that he looked at it once and has never been back but I have a feeling he has been deleting his history as the last time I looked there was nothing on there at all, another reason I came here.

 

Things have been very difficult over the last 12 months, I did not handle the affair business very well and he was so upset with himself it almost ended our relationship. At this stage I should add that the relationship he had with this woman was very deep, one of the things I found hard to except at the time.

He is so sorry for the pain he has caused to me and our family but I also know he is sorry for the pain he caused to her too and that still kills me inside, I want him to 'not care' about this woman and how she feels, I want him to forget she ever existed.

 

I am still so heartbroken by what he has done and inside it is killing me slowly but I do not want to keep bringing the subject up because I know he wants to 'move on', he has chosen to stay with me and work on our marriage and for that I am greatful but I really am struggling to get past this.

 

One of the things this woman said to him was that I would never be capable of 'getting over' this as I do have a tendency to hold onto things he has done wrong in the past and I am worried that if I keep bringing it up then he will think that she was right.

 

I am not sure what I aim to acheive by posting on here, maybe if my husband is reading and replying he will give me advice thinking I am a stranger, maybe just putting my feelings into words will help me understand, I really don't know but I am willing to do anything to make my marriage work, I really can not imagine my life without him in it.

[Woman In Blue]

I am still so heartbroken by what he has done and inside it is killing me slowly but I do not want to keep bringing the subject up because I know he wants to 'move on'' date=' he has chosen to stay with me and work on our marriage and for that I am greatful but I really am struggling to get past this.[/quote']

Oh, he's chosen to stay with you? I guess he thinks he's done YOU a tremendous favor, is that it? Did he ever stop to think that maybe he should be grateful to YOU for ALLOWING him to stay after acting like such a jerk?

 

But the price tag for your gratefulness in him staying is that you're not allowed to talk about the affair or try to heal in a way that's beneficial for YOU - is that it?

 

One of the things this woman said to him was that I would never be capable of 'getting over' this as I do have a tendency to hold onto things he has done wrong in the past and I am worried that if I keep bringing it up then he will think that she was right.

Why are you allowing he and his past side-piece to have SO much control over what you THINK and what you FEEL? The reason you're still carrying this emotional burden around with you a year later is because you're too busy letting those two dictate what you should be feeling and how long you're ALLOWED to feel it. So how is that helping you to heal?

 

That's a red flag that hubby's suddenly clearing his internet history. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I think posting on LoveShack (unless he's posting about his secret side-piece and how he can't live without her) is the last thing you need to be worrying about.

 

You know what? You sound like a lovely lady whose doing her best to try to cope with the incredibly sh*itty hand your husband dealt you. For some odd reason, YOU'RE the only one carrying the burden of his low-life behavior. He just wants you to shut up so he can go along his merry way and not have to deal with what he did. I sincerely hope you finally find the guts to stand UP for yourself.

[Darth Vader]

This is my first time posting on any type of internet forum and I actually came by LoveShack by mistake.

 

I was not and have never looked to share my problems with anyone other than my family and in the past counsellors so the best place to begin is how I found this site.

 

I have been checking my husbands internet history and a couple of months ago I found this site.

 

It would probably help to add at this point that I found out almost one year ago that he had been having an affair with a work colleague.

 

So I found this site and automatically assumed he was looking at porn but at that time our relationship seemed to be recovering well so I left it alone but still checked his history periodically and the site has not appeared since but the last month or so his attitude has changed and his internet history has been cleared so I thought I would look at the site to see if it had any relevance to his mood change, needless to say I was shocked to see it was a relationship forum.

 

I have no idea if my husband has posted on here or if he just reads others posts so do not want to go into to much detail at the moment, it may be that he looked at it once and has never been back but I have a feeling he has been deleting his history as the last time I looked there was nothing on there at all, another reason I came here.

 

Things have been very difficult over the last 12 months, I did not handle the affair business very well and he was so upset with himself it almost ended our relationship. At this stage I should add that the relationship he had with this woman was very deep, one of the things I found hard to except at the time.

He is so sorry for the pain he has caused to me and our family but I also know he is sorry for the pain he caused to her too and that still kills me inside, I want him to 'not care' about this woman and how she feels, I want him to forget she ever existed.

 

I am still so heartbroken by what he has done and inside it is killing me slowly but I do not want to keep bringing the subject up because I know he wants to 'move on', he has chosen to stay with me and work on our marriage and for that I am greatful but I really am struggling to get past this.

 

One of the things this woman said to him was that I would never be capable of 'getting over' this as I do have a tendency to hold onto things he has done wrong in the past and I am worried that if I keep bringing it up then he will think that she was right.

 

I am not sure what I aim to acheive by posting on here, maybe if my husband is reading and replying he will give me advice thinking I am a stranger, maybe just putting my feelings into words will help me understand, I really don't know but I am willing to do anything to make my marriage work, I really can not imagine my life without him in it.

 

 

I suggest that you download a keylogger to monitor your husbands activities. Frankly, if I were you and I knew he was sleeping around, I'd divorce his ass!

[Spark1111]

I think, if your gut is bothering you, you can either download a keylogger, or better yet, get to marriage counseling.

 

Maybe your spouse was trying to gain insight here at LS, and that is always a good thing.

 

But there is NO WAY I could be told to move on after one year! We all need different things to heal, and I was of the variety that needed to talk, talk, talk about it.

 

He didn't love that because he was ashamed of it but that is what I needed to feel reassured: For he and I to fully understand how our life made a left.

 

Total transparency for both of us today means complete access to all: email accounts, computers, cell phones.

 

That is pretty common after an infidelity. It is to ensure continued contact with the AP is over, and that trust can be restored.

 

What exactly did you and he do after you discovered the affair? What measures were taken to restore trust?

[PhoenixRise]

d'Azur

 

If the OW said to your husband that you would never get over the affair then just take that as a last ditch stink bomb that she lobbed into your marriage. It is not something that you should not allow to dictate your actions, feelings or recovery.

 

If your Husband told you that OW said this...take that as last ditch manipulation on his part to keep you quiet and compliant regarding his affair. This is also something you should not allow to dictate your actions, feelings, or recovery.

 

You mention that your H developed strong feelings for this OW, I know how much that has to hurt. But d'Azur, you need to remember who you are. You are not some useless obligation that your H deigned to live in the same house with. You are a woman with real feelings and real needs that have to be met in the marriage. If your husband doesn't want to do the necessary work to truly recover his relationship with you then you need to decide what you are willing to accept.

 

Some betrayed spouses are content if the wandering spouse Just Doesn't Leave. IMO, not leaving is not the same thing as CHOOSING to stay. Is your H actively choosing you d'Azure? Is he actively working through what caused him to go outside the marriage and develop feelings for another? Is he actively rebuilding trust and intimacy with you? If he is not, don't you think you are worth being actively chosen?

 

d'Azure you have to decide for yourself what you want and what you are willing to put up with. If you are willing to stay no matter what he does or how he behaves, no matter how much the marriage continues to hurt YOU then you will be dealing with more of the same crap.

 

Decide what you want. Decide what you are willing to put up with. Decide what your limits are. AND have a straight up talk directly with your husband. Don't try to send him an anonymous message through an online forum. Talk to HIM. Tell him what you want and need in the marriage.

 

BTW....don't get me wrong. I am not telling you to not post at LS. Post here as much as you want. There are lots of very kind people here who will try to help you through this. I am just saying the best way to get what you want from your husband (or to discover that he has no intention of even making an attempt) is to go directly to him.

 

Good Luck

 

P.S. I have read and it is commonly accepted that true marital recovery can take anywhere from 2-5 years.

Edited November 26, 2010 by PhoenixRise

[NoIDidn't]

((((d'Azur))))

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this place, no matter how you got here. I hope you find the strength to do whatever it takes to move forward positively and find the new you that is waiting on the other side of the pain.

 

Have you considered therapy for yourself and/or marriage counseling for yourself AND your husband? I recommend the personal therapy first. It might help you find the strength to face this difficult time in your life.

 

This too shall pass, d.

[TigerCub]

((((d'Azur))))

 

One of the things this woman said to him was that I would never be capable of 'getting over' this as I do have a tendency to hold onto things he has done wrong in the past and I am worried that if I keep bringing it up then he will think that she was right.

 

I'm very suspicious about this. I'm really guessing that he told you that she said that, just so you'd hold back and stop bringing things up. So that you'd be feeling exactly the way you feel now.

 

Honey, you CHOSE to keep him, you were the one KIND enough to give him another chance, don't act like the charity case that's so grateful to be picked - if anything, you're doing him the favor!

You're the prize that he doesn't deserve - don't act otherwise.

 

As far as talking about it. I would imagine that in a situation like the one you're in, you're more than entitled to ask all the questions you want to ask and talk about anything you want - so what if it makes him uncomfortable or makes him feel ashamed?! If you need to talk to and get some answers in order to heal - then that's what you need.

 

I don't know if you guys are doing MC or if you did it right after you found out, but it really seems like something you guys would need to truly find a way past this.

 

I am not sure what I aim to acheive by posting on here, maybe if my husband is reading and replying he will give me advice thinking I am a stranger, maybe just putting my feelings into words will help me understand, I really don't know but I am willing to do anything to make my marriage work, I really can not imagine my life without him in it.

 

Something about that line in bold really made me so sad.

 

If the only way you feel like you can really get the truth from your husband or really talk to him is when he might think he's talking to a stranger, I honestly can't see the type of marriage you're holding on to.

 

I really don't mean that as an insult to you, I just always thought that when people are married, they should be a team and that the spouse is probably one of the few people in the world that the other spouse can turn to and be able to talk to.

 

I really don't mean to upset you but what I just said, but that line really really made my heart break for you.

 

I hope you find your answers and your peace. I truly do.

[turnstone]

I hope what the previous posters have said will help you, d'Azur. They're speaking a lot of sense.

 

You say you've never talked about your problems with anyone but therapists and family before now and so it strikes me that you're at an all time low now to be posting to LS? It also strikes me, as it obviously has others, that you feel he's doing you a favour by staying in the marriage. Really d'Azur, he's not.

 

You've used counsellors in the past, have you asked your husband to go to therapy either with you or on his own? Will you go, yourself? It seems that you feel you need him in order to be happy. That's not accurate or healthy, and counselling would help you achieve a state that is.

[wicar1]

I suggest that you download a keylogger to monitor your husbands activities. Frankly, if I were you and I knew he was sleeping around, I'd divorce his ass!

 

I agree...