gaia Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Good luck. You'll be where you want to be soon. Post as much as you need to. It's been a pleasure
kingpin Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 I don't want to forget the memory - i want it to be there, just to act as a reminder. In case i ever get tempted again by the forbidden fruit. I want it to jusmp to the front then and remind me of all this Sh*t that i'm going through. I want it in my memory, but not to be thinking about it all the time. I want to feel comfortable around my girlfriend again, more than i used to be comfortable with her. I just wish my mind would see it as a lesson - then it would go away !! Still waiting to see the councellor - still no appointment date I will continue to post and take you on my journey because it has been helpfull i no longer doubt this relationship - when ithink of how i doubted it - i laugh at myself for being stupid, so thats one obstacle overcome, time for the next one
kingpin Posted March 29, 2004 Posted March 29, 2004 Hi Evrybody - Well, Still no letter to see the counceller - damn NHS, can't even get me a letter never mind an appointment. Gonna go see the doctor to give him a piece of my mind on wednesday if it still hasn't arrived - that'll be 2 weeks from going to see him. Anyway, still with my girlfriend, feeling more love everyday, but am still having rough patches tgroughout the day where i go through the last couple of months again in my head which is a little depressing. I'm fighting it and it does seem to be less and less. One problem i have noticed is that i tend to get a bit more annoyed than i used to. For example my girlfriend pokes me sometimes to get a reaction...and i could usually manage 14/15 pokes beofre i told her to stop. At the moment i can only manage about three before i get really annoyed. I don't understand why i am getting annoyed by silly little things
gaia Posted March 29, 2004 Posted March 29, 2004 Counselling appointments can take forever on the NHS. I think you're getting annoyed because you are tense and wound up all the time. This makes you irritable. Irritability is also one of the symptoms of depression.
Veronika Posted March 30, 2004 Posted March 30, 2004 This life is not a dress rehearsal for another one.......you need to make up your mind (easier said than done).......what is she supposed to do? Wait around until YOU make up your mind? The relationship isn't just about YOU.........what is she supposed to do? walk on eggshells? Is she supposed to continue to invest time in this relationship that may be going nowhere?.........What is she supposed to do? get even more attached and just wait for your decision? How can she even plan her life? You are not being fair to her........you may be using up the best years of her life........time she could be using with someone who would REALLY love her.........and the end result may be.........she is ALONE and regrets wasting so much time on someone who couldn't make up their mind........A person only has ONE life........time is so precious..... Does she even know how you feel?
mommy78 Posted March 30, 2004 Posted March 30, 2004 The first thing you need to figure out is what you want. You dont need to figure out if you love her. Love just happens. You just know when you love someone. It's unconditional. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years and I still dont know if he's the one I'll be with for the rest of my life. We do love eachother though. It takes time, and time will tell. You dont need to stress over if you love her or not. But dont tell her you love her if your not even sure of it yourself. You'll lead her on. Just take your time with her, dont rush your thoughts, its only been a year. I'm in a "worry" situation myself. I'm always thinking that my man is cheating on me because he has in the past. So my "worrying" is making our relationship flaky. But I'm afraid to just "trust him" because I'm afraid I might be right..... But dont worry so much. It's still very early in the relationship. A lot of people think a year is a long time, but seriously, its not. You just know and have that feeling when you fall in love. Dont let this ruin your relationship. If you dont love her, that doesnt mean you never will. When I first met my boyfriend, we didnt love eachother as much as we do now. Things change....
gaia Posted March 30, 2004 Posted March 30, 2004 Veronika, I think he knows how he feels and I understand that his GF is fully aware of his current thoughts. He is suffering from obsessional thoughts, which are recurrent, unpleasant thoughts which the sufferer knows are senseless but cannot help but continue to respond to. I've had it myself. It's grim. I'm only telling you this because I think being told that his thoughts have validity is not going to help him. Professional counselling is the best option, as kingpin knows.
kingpin Posted March 30, 2004 Posted March 30, 2004 Veronika - My girlfriend knows how i feel and is aware of the fact that this could be the end but i am pretty sure it isn't. I am being totally honest with her as i have written before and have told her that if this ever gets too much and she feels unwanted, or anything else, she just has to say that she's had enough. She lknows i will understand. What more would you like me to do veronika ?? p.s. gaia - thanks ;o)
Random Reade Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 Kingpin... I know exactly what you're going through. I myself have the exact same problem. The fact is you know that you love her, right, but the thought will never go away no matter how hard you try to make it... does that sound familiar? More than an actual thought, it's a fear. You're afraid of a "what if" ever happening and you can't get it out of your head. Right? And no logical argument will ever make it go away no matter how much you KNOW you love her. I really can't give a solution, there isn't one. I still deal with "what if's" every day... you just have to dismiss the what if's for exactly what they are... what if's and stop letting it get to you every time you think it... I know... it probably seems impossible, but you have to try. I'm betting ten bucks that you're nuts about her and just can't stand the fact of anythign ever seperating you two... that's what it was in my case.
mommy78 Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 "I still deal with "what if's" every day..." So do I.....I think we all deal with "what if's". I'm suffering from "what if he'll cheat on me again." OR "what if he is right now..." Life can be terrible sometimes.
kingpin Posted April 1, 2004 Posted April 1, 2004 Hi all, I go to see a councellor tommorow morning, i have found my own because the NHS are taking way too long !! I'll let you know how things go. Another problem that is starting to creep in is that i feel selfish. I'm trying to take care and look after my girlfriend, but i do feel that she is starting to think i'm beinga LITTLE bit selfish and not worrying about her enough I don't think i am and i'm trying not to be
gaia Posted April 2, 2004 Posted April 2, 2004 kingpin, maybe you're thinking too much again! ASk your GF if she thinks you're being selfish. Tell her you really want the truth, even if it hurts. If she says yes, then you can discuss it. If she says no, you have to believe her. You are never going to be 100% sure what's in anyone's head - this is the best you can do. Be reassured that anyone in the throes of an acute mental health problem becomes introspective to an extent. You're preoccupied with trying to sort your head out. Don't be so hard on yourself Glad you've got the counselling sorted out - let us know how it goes.
kingpin Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 Hiya, Well, i asked my girlfriend if she thought i was being selfish and she siad yes. She told me that she understood but she did feel slightly neglected through the last few weeks. She said it was almost like it was her who had done something wrong and she thought i didn't feel her pain. We discussed it and she understands that i am sorry and that i don't want to be selfish but I don't really know the best way around this ?! I'm also slightly bothered about something that happened this weekend. We were bored on sunday night. We couldn't go out because we have no money and we stayed in to watch TV but we were really bored. I panicked then, thinking the worst and that she was bored with me and started to think she had lost interest in me so i asked her if she had. She shouted at me, asking me if she's not allowed to be bored. Things are hard at the moment and its hurting both of us. I wen to see the councellor on friday and I think we're gonna talk about my self confidence and learning how to understand my feelings properly. For example, when i get bored or nervous, I mistake those feelings for possible anxiety attacks. We're gonna talk about not dwelling on things. Hopefully, My g/f will come to some councelling with me towards the end to try and get us back on track
meanon Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 If the problem is obsessive worrying then I would suggest not talking to her about your worries for a while. I don't know if this applies to you but the partners of people with this problem often report that because the questionning continues, it feels like they are never believed and are constantly having to prove their love. This can be exhausting. This may be what she means when she says she feels like it's her that's done something wrong. Unless she has specifcally told you I wouldn't assume that her saying she is feeling neglected means she wants you to worry about her. After all, you were worried she was bored when she got annoyed. It may be that she just needs some positive reassurance from you, rather than her having to reassure you.
kingpin Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I always tell her that i think things are going to be ok. I just panic when she gets bored or looks down. It could be that she's just having a bad day - yet I automatically think it's me and start asking if she's ok, which annoys her even more.... I honestly don't think the problem is OCD, i might be wrong but I don't think it is. I don't really worry all the time, just when she looks down. We can be really happy for maybe 6/7 hours and i would never think there was a problem.
meanon Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 Really the label doesn't matter, it's dwelling on the fact that she may not be happy or that the relationship may end when it's counter-productive to do so. The thing is that because it annoys her, you don't get the reassurance you are asking for. If you know that asking a question is not going to make you feel better then it's best not to ask it. Your gf's reaction indicates she feels pressured so the wise thing to do would be to relieve the source of the pressure by finding ways of dealing with the panic yourself. It sounds like the counsellor has just the right plan to help you. Meanwhile try cheering your girlfriend up when she looks down, or asking a general question, rather than showing your anxiety.
kingpin Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I'm confused now as to what a general question is !! It's been 2 months since this all started so i'm kinda stuck in a routine !! I know i sound like a blubbering idiot, but i just know that if i lose this girl, it will ruin me. I just don't want anybody else ever !!
meanon Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 LOL! A general question is one that doesn't imply that you are the problem! Or that her dissatisfaction with you or the relationship is the problem. A question that shows your anxiety means she needs to reassure you and can come across as being selfish because she is the one feeling bad. PS You do not sound like a blubbering idiot, you sound like a man in love
kingpin Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 I was doing so well up to this weeekend ( I went to councelling and i felt good friday and saturday and then i was ill on sunday and couldn't get out of bed. had a lot of boring time to think about stuff and seem to be feeling down again. I just can't put my finger on why !!
gaia Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 I used to do exactly this. If my husband looked worried for any reason, the first thing I had to do was reassure myself that the relationship was OK. After a while, he found it intensely irritating that he wasn't allowed to express any emotion or dissatisfaction with life without incurring this kind of hassle. He said that he couldn't talk to me about anything without it turning into a huge session of reassurance and he felt he never got any support himself. I suspect this is what she means by selfish. Try to talk to her without bringing everything back to you.
kingpin Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 i do try to do this but find it very very hard to change the way i have come to talk and think about things over the last 2 months or so. I just fidn it hard so much harder to change 'back' to the way i was before. Something else i always do - is to try and compare me 'now' to me 'before' which is obviousley something that has to stop but i don't know how. Can i ask gaia, what casued y our worrying and what did you worry about after it started ? If you don't wanna tell me you don't have to thanks
gaia Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 kingpin, I'm late for work right now, but I will PM you later with details of my worries. I don't mind telling you, but I'd rather not have the full evidence of my derangement on the public forum for all to see. Brace yourself - may be a long message!!!!!
kingpin Posted April 13, 2004 Posted April 13, 2004 Hi Folks, Things are going OK. We've booked a holiday together and i am really looking forward to it. It seems like all my doubts are starting to go away. I still have frequent feelings of sadness and guilt, but they are down to about an hour a day in total from about 6 hours before. It's going to be a long time before i can get through a day with no worry about this but I do feel i am on the right track. I have my second appointment with a councellor on friday morning when i will update you all again ! thanks kingpin
gaia Posted April 13, 2004 Posted April 13, 2004 You ARE getting there. Well done. I hope things get better and better for the pair of you.
Gnote Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 I realize this thread has been dormant for some time, but I may revive it. I have been experiencing kingpin's feelings for almost a year. I have to say that virtually every single post by kingpin is EXACTLY how I feel in my current relationship. I posted the following in another thread, but it may be more relevant here. I'd like it if Kingpin and the others who have posted in this thread could comment on my situation. Keep in mind that I wrote the entire thing before reading any of this thread. The similarity is somewhat uncanny. I am currently 21 years old, have a university degree, and am working on a second. I met my current girlfriend (22 years old, currently) in 1998 and was very good friends with her until we started dating about 15 months ago. Throughout the entire time I've known her (save for a couple of stints in other relationships, totaling about 1 year) I longed to be "more than friends," if you will. So when she finally suggested that we start seeing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend last June (2003), I was thrilled inexplicably. The first four months were the best of my life. I longed to see her all of the time and got those "tingles" when we were together. In mid-August, we "proclaimed our love" (that sounds uber-corney, sorry, not meant that way) for one another. At about the four-month mark, she had to leave town to do an internship in a smaller community about one hour's drive from the city that both of us live in. She would be returning on weekends and we would talk on the phone most nights. Soon after she left a terrible anxiety came over me. I was not so sure any more that I was actually in love with this girl and not so sure that I wanted to be with her anymore. There was nothing concrete that I can say brought this on, and the anxiety was not your everyday insecurity. The anxiety was well beyond what the rational person would consider normal, given the circumstances. For the next few weeks, this anxiety completely dominated my thoughts and feelings. I was mature about it, however, and the two of us talked it over. She was alarmed, naturally, but she was good to me and told me that if I needed some time to sort things out, I could take it. So we had a week-long "break," which wasn't hard, considering our proximity. This is where it gets complicated. The break was nothing final, and as such, it served little purpose. I was still tossing the feelings around in my head, trying to figure them out without much success. To me, she seemed like "the one." She was everything that I ever wanted, mainly because for the most part the only girl I ever truly wanted was her. I ended this break with a promise that from that point forward the two of us would work through our problems together. Since that time, these feelings of complete anxiety have come and gone. The only way I can think to explain these feelings when they are present is that being with her feels 100% right and 100% wrong at the same time. You can probably appreciate my discomfort with these thoughts, given that they have been coming and going for roughly a year now. I can say for a fact that they are worse when I am stressed by outside things (such as the beginning of school). Throughout the summer that just ended, there were very few times that I felt the anxiety. Now that school is starting up once again, they seem to have returned. I have read various articles and books on the subject, and Stephen Zokol's "He's Scared, She's Scared" tends to describe my fears to a T. The problem is, he doesn't offer any solutions, only confirms that others have what he calls "committmentphobia." In short, I need some help. I feel like this anxiety will never leave. I want more than anything to wake up in the morning and know that what the two of us have is right. I want to stop rearing back from time to time when I tell her I love her. I WANT desparately to spend the rest of my life with this woman, but how do I know if it is right? Sorry for the length of this post. I thank any of you very very much for any type of insight you can levy. Thanks again. -------------------- So there's my story. These intrusive thoughts are effecting my life a great deal. I, like kingpin, feel from time to time that something is stopping me from being happy. I gave this example to my girlfriend when I was last trying to explain this: One thing in my life that has always made me extremely happy and completely content with the world is something very simple. When I come home in late fall, after the first snow, and park my vehicle on the driveway and walk into my house, I smell fireplaces in neighbouring homes. When I get inside the house and feel the drastic cold-to-warm temperature change, I feel like no other time in the world could I be this happy. It's a silly, corney example, but that is one of the closest things to pure happiness that I have ever experienced. Since I started having these intrusive thoughts about a year ago, whenever I get almost to that point of pure happiness, something inside of me reminds me that I have these worries from time to time. That reminder starts the ball rolling, and soon I get those knots in my stomach again. Everything about this woman is what I want. She is not perfect, like I said, but she is perfect for me. She is so supportive (evidenced by her acceptance of my problem) and I could not reasonably ask for anyone better. I just want the worries and thoughts to go away. Any comments welcomed and encouraged extremely.
Recommended Posts