kingpin Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 Hi all, I'm sooooo confused and i need any help that you can offer me. i'm woorying about this problem over and over and i can't come to any rational answer. I've been going out with my girlfriend for just under a year now and up untill a month ago - everything was going fantastically. I could see my future with her stretching of into the distance. One day, a thought entered my head "what if i don't love her - what if it is all in my imagination ?" Since then, i can't get the thoughts out of my head, they worry me from the time i get up to the time i go to bed. They worry me when i'm at work, and even now when i'm with my g/f. When i hug and kiss her, in the back of my mind a voice is asking me if what i'm doing is fair on her....because what if deep down i don't love her. I have explained all this to my girlfriend and she is happy to keep going untill I know. It will devestate her and break her heart if I decide that i have to end it, and I need to be 100% sure before i do so. How can i beat this cycle of worry and try to work out if i really do love her ?? I keep telling myself that i wouldn't be so hurt and worried at the thought of losing her if i didn't love her, but that doesn't seem to have any effect on my mental state. She doubted loving me late last year - and we breezed through that. I never even got upset about it, so why is this bothering me now. How can i tell what i'm supposed to do, because negative thoughts are clouding my judgement to a point where i don't really know how i feel or what i'm going to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated Thanks
Togagirl Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 This might sound dumb, but why don't you make a list with good and bad points in the relationship. Write down exactly what is giving you the doubt, and take a good hard look at it. If the g/f is being understanding maybe she is having soem doubts in the back of her mind too and you both really need to discuss the situation. Hope everything works out.
Kingpin Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 It doesn't sound dumb - i have done this, in fact i have done it several times. The good things ALWAYS outweigh the bad things which we have together. "Great" - i can hear you saying, well not quite. It still doesn't erase the doubt that should be at the back of mind, it's at the front all the time, making my life a living hell. Eventually if i let it worry me enough, i start to wonder if the good points are on the good side of the list because I love her, or becasue i just want them to be there no matter how hard i feel. I hope your not getting as confooooosed as i am !!
DonTomaso Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 Hey Kingpin... I feel the same confusion right now with my gf. I am trying to figure out if I love her enough. I guess what's keeping me in the relationship is the notion that she does make me happy when I'm with her. I may not long for her painstakingly when I'm away from her, but that's actually pretty nice for a change. I have been in relationships that pull at my heart, but those relationships always seem to end badly. Anyway..good luck.
kingpin Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 Hi At the moment, i'm not letting myself be happy even when i'm with her - because i'm fretting too much over whether staying with her is actually what i want - I know deep down that it is and that doubt creeps into every relationship at some point. But i can't seem to get it over the finish line and get my life back on track If you get anywhere in your quest - i would like to know !! Good luck to you to
DonTomaso Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 The same thing happens to me sometimes. I will think about ex girlfriends or other stuff when I'm with her. In the end though, I don't believe an all consuming relationship is very healthy. I've only been dating my gf for 2.5 months, so we'll see how I feel in a few weeks... Cheers.
moimeme Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 Turn off your brain. How do you feel when you are with her? Are you happy to be with her? Do you enjoy her company? Imagine her getting hit by a car and killed today. How do you feel? Like your whole world just went black? Imagine NEVER seeing her again, ever. How does that make you feel? Love does not come from the brain; anyone who tries to figure it out from the brain will fail utterly. Your heart will tell you what you need to know.
kingpin Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 That is exactly the problem - i've worried that much - i've forgotton how to let my true feelings shine through. i can see it - but i can't do anything about it
gaia Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 I'm just a bit curious. Are you having normal, real doubts or are you having unwanted thoughts that pop into your head for no reason and make you worried? Do you feel that you spend all your time trying to get rid of them but they come back anyway? There's just something about the level of distress they seem to be causing that makes me wonder if you have a problem with obsessional thinking at the moment. If this is way off, feel free to ignore it.
kingpin Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 these are thoughts that i just can't get out of my head, they started off as doubts, which everyone has, but they don't seem to fade
DarkClouds Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Hi Kingpin, Let go of your worries and take each day as it comes. Do not fret about tomorrow, do not fret about yesterday - just enjoy today to the 100%. Let your fears go. Some times we become obsessed with our obsessions - it's a negative, self destructive cycle. Let it go. I get the feeling u got a good thing there. See the positives, rather than look for the negatives which may not necessarily b there. Remember, ur the one that said 'things were going fantastically til one day a thought just popped into ur head'... Go with the fantastic and appreciate the good u got... All the best! DC
Kingpin Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 I feel alot better today, yet i still can't see the end of this tunnel !! Saying life for today and not for yesterday or tommorow is a very simple thing to say - actually putting into practice is another thing all together, I try to keep busy and to look on the positive side, but that voice in my head never goes away
gaia Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 OK. You've had lots of advice on how to decide whether the relationship is good or not and lots of people telling you to stop thinking about it and enjoy being with your girlfriend. But the thoughts aren't going away, right? Does the rational part of you know that there is nothing to worry about, but that little "voice" just keeps on coming back? Do you just wish it would go away and stop bugging you? Does it make you anxious and upset? Is it better while your mind is occupied but as soon as you try to relax, back it comes? Do you feel you have to try to answer this nagging doubt by constantly thinking about whether you love her or not, but however much you try to work it out it just keeps coming back even more? If this sounds like you, then you are experiencing obsessional thoughts. I have had them lots of times about lots of things. I'll tell you what worked for me. Firstly, the thought that popped into your head out of nowhere was normal. Everyone gets random thoughts. For some reason, this one struck a chord with you and you started worrying about why you'd had it. The more you thought about it, the more it kept coming back. It has assumed a lot of power - it has the power to make you anxious and drive yourself crazy thinking through the same things over and over again. To fight it, you need to take its power away. When it comes into your head and you think you have to go through every detail of your relationship to analyse whether or not you love her,you need to stop yourself. Tell yourself it is a stupid thought, that everyone has stupid thoughts and that it means absolutely nothing about the state of your relationship. Initially, it is going to be very hard to resist the temptation to "just think it through one more time" but it will get easier and the anxiety you feel will wear off. Every time you think through the relationship, the thought is gaining more control over you. It's difficult from your posts so far to know exactly what you are experiencing, so it may be that this doesn't feel like it's you at all. If so, feel free to ignore everything I said!!! If it does feel like you, you may also want to check out some threads by Thinkalot, which contain lots of people's ideas on how to deal with this kind of problem. Please post again and let me know how you're getting on. I really hope you start feeling better soon.
DonTomaso Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 gaia... that's great advice!!! Very well spoken.
gaia Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Thank you DonTomaso. I just hope I'm advising on the right problem!
Kingpin Posted March 13, 2004 Posted March 13, 2004 Hi - you are indeed on the correct path and this is something i have now begun to try. i have also undergone hypnosis, and i will tell you more about that if it has any effect
Kingpin Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Hi all, Well, me and my g/f are still together, i'm still finding it very hard. Wehn we spend time together, and i let go of the worries, we have a great time, fun laughter and the planning of a holiday in the summer. At random times, and during the time i'm not with or speaking to her, the thoughts just continue to pop in my head, not as much the doubt, but feelings of sadness. I think it's because i've got used to being so down and miserable. I still don't know what to do
gaia Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Kingpin, it takes time. If you're able to resist the thoughts some of the time, that's a good start. When they come back and you feel sad, tell yourself there's no substance to them and that you have nothing to be sad about. It is quite a struggle not to engage with the thoughts, but it gets easier. Just incidentally, if you find yourself feeling down all the time, it may be worth seeing a doctor and getting checked for depression. Often OCD symptoms are secondary to this. Keep strong and keep in touch.
kingpin Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 I'm not down all the time - especially when i'm with her !! It's like, i get to a point where i've not thought about it for a while and then something in my mind says 'Woah - you doin it, your not worrying' and then obviously it all comes flooding back - bloody nasty thoughts !! lol I played in a competition last night, and i always get nervous before, and the feeling of nerves in normally in my stomach - where i have been feeling knotted when i worry. So my imediate reaction to the nerves was - here we go again, i'm gonna be sad and anxious !! But it was just nerves, it's like i'm unable to read my own feelings !! Don't know if that makes any sense at all but thats how it feels. I have an appointment with my GP in just over an hour and i think i want to see a therapist. I'm so determined to make this work, i'm so happy with my girl it's unbelievable. has anybody ever come through this stage of doubt stronger ?
kingpin Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 I don't know !! i think i'm worrying myself into trouble here, it's something i just can't stop doing !! gaia - it seems you've been through something similar - how long did it take for you and your therapist to start moving places and how loing in total - i know deep down that it's not gonna be over in a matter of weeks, but i would like an estimate ! Thanks David
gaia Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 Hello again. sorry not to post back immediately - have not been able to access internet for 24 hours (ouch...the withdrawal symptoms...) I have been through something similar, which is how I guess I felt I knew what you were talking about. I also totally understand how awful this is and how it can start to rob you of any happiness you have. In answer to your question about time, I spent 6.5 years doing very little about my problems, although for a good proportion of those I had a pretty good idea what was wrong. Once I reached crisis point, got on medication and saw a therapist, I managed to get on top of it in two or three months. Just talking to someone and realising you have something which can be helped is an enormous relief. Did you keep your appointment with the GP? Have you got a referral to a therapist? I don't know where you live, so I don't know what the process is, but I think cognitive behavioural therapy is the one to go for. It's the one with the best evidence that it helps with obsessions. It worked for me. If it starts to become difficult to manage it, you might need medication as well. The biggest mistake I made in those 6.5 years (apart from not seeking help) was to think that if I just thought about it a bit more, I'd be able to sort it out. It just makes it worse. Stop ruminating about it and stop discussing it with other people, esp your girlfriend. If she's not familiar with OCD she'll think there's some truth in it eventually. It might be worth letting her read these posts if you think it would help - might help her understand. There are different ways that you can try to stop yourself thinking about it. I found "detachment" most helpful - you don't fight the thoughts or allow yourself to start arguing with them or trying to do things to make them better. You just let them be. Tricky, but once I got the hang of it, it was really effective. Some people find "thought stopping" helpful - when the thoughts come you say "STOP", aloud or in your head or wear an elastic band on your arm and twang that. If all else fails, distract yourself with something - I found playing Snake 2 on my mobile phone useful. One thing I forgot to say earlier - obsessional thoughts have a nasty habit of attacking the thing most important to you. In this case your relationship. It tends to mean you care more, not anything negative. Last thing - do you have a problem with self-esteem? Sometimes these thoughts centre on relationships because we don't feel deep down we deserve such a wonderful relationship. May not be the case with you - if it is, your therapist could address this too. I really hope you feel better soon. Get that therapy - don't wait longer than you have to. PS If you were registered, I could PM you
kingpin Posted March 19, 2004 Posted March 19, 2004 Okay -here's the deal as it is... i've missed out the fact that i had an experiance a couple of months ago with another guy not full sex but still an experiance, behind my girlfriends back which is - so i should admit the starting point of this problem. I managed to overcome the guilt and shame of it all but then this came along 2 weeks after i got back on track - this is probably the reason it stuck in my mind. I didn't want to put that for fear that people would say - well, you deserve to be unhappy or i hope she dumps you... I want people to know before they say that, i have always had confused feelings about being str8 or bi, and these got on top of me during and i suppose i had to find out. Yes, i admit it was the wrong time to do it (as i was in a relationship) and i take full responsibility for my actions, nobody is to blame but me. I do know now that i would never do it again and that i have no intrest in men. I feel forgiven by my girl and i have forgiven myself. So that part of my life is over and this is where i am now... i have seen my GP and i am seeing a therapist sometime in the next 2-3 weeks. I've decided to go for the just letting the feelings be technique and seeing if that makes any difference. I suppose i've waited a while to see a specialist becasue of the stigma attatched to councelling. I think my self-esteem has took a knock after the cheating and i think that is the main problem which i will tell my therapist. my girlfriend knows how i feel, because i can explain quite clearly what is going on inside my head to her, althjough it might not come across that way in my posts !! Oh and your quote: 'One thing I forgot to say earlier - obsessional thoughts have a nasty habit of attacking the thing most important to you. In this case your relationship. It tends to mean you care more, not anything negative. ' That really has inspired me - and i feel determined not to lose this relationship. Thanks for all your help,
gaia Posted March 19, 2004 Posted March 19, 2004 Hi again I'm sure these new revelations are significant. First of all, you made a mistake, you've admitted it, you've taken responsibility for it and your girlfriend has forgiven you. I don't think you deserve to feel bad or be dumped (although there probably was a risk of it happening, as I'm sure you've realised!) Anyone can make a mistake - let it go. Obsessive thoughts, like most anxiety related problems, often have a trigger. I'm pretty sure this was yours. I'm so glad you've got some therapy lined up - I'm sure it will help. Also, your girlfriend sounds lovely and supportive - definitely a relationship worth working at. I hope the detachment works. I've said it before, but it is very hard to do at first - stick with it, it gets easier. If it doesn't do it for you, don't despair - there are other methods. Just an aside - often people who are prone to these kind of thoughts have them about all sorts of things. I'm just wondering if your confusion about your sexuality was more of the same (intrusive thoughts that you might be gay). I only say this because you seem so certain now that you are straight. Ignore that if it doesn't apply. Best of luck - please let me know how you get on
kingpin Posted March 19, 2004 Posted March 19, 2004 To be honest, i never really got that hung up on my sexual orientation I had a couple of brief experiances when i was just starting adolesense, but thats what i always put it down to mainly. When i got to 20 and i'd still never had a girlfriend, i started to wonder a little bit, but never this much. I just know - and knew straight away that there was only one sex for me - in fact i knew there was only one girl for me and that is my baby, the one who is standing by as we speak hoping and praying for my recovery. I do hope that i will pay her back by getting better and being in a stronger relationship due to it. That is my goal, a strong loving relationship where ifeel secure about my feelings and hers - is that too much to ask ?!
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