peakey Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 I've posted before with my story, so here's the short version: my H started off with an EA 4 yrs. ago, moved on to internet chatroom flirtations, one of which ended up as a full-blown sexual affair. It went on for a while, stopped for a while, then re-started at some point early last year. This evening, while I was looking for some programs saved to CD-Rom, I came across some odd things my H had saved to disc, including logs of text messages or something between him and his OW#2. What it showed me is stunning. His affair with her had been going on much longer than he ever admitted. But here are the worst bits. While I was away overseas in July, she stayed at our place. AND he introduced our 3 year old son to her! It gets worse, folks. When I was in hospital having our second baby in October, she stayed the night at our place. We have a saying in Australia: "he has more front than a shop window". Ie, he's got a lot of nerve! He introduced our son to her??????????? He slept with her while I was recovering from a ceasarean after having his baby? And despite all of that, he wanted to work things out before, and now has the "cheek" to be angry with ME! Well, I did an unwise thing. I called him up (he's just moved out) and yelled at him. He was already really pissed off at me because I went to see a lawyer today. So I added to the heat. It was stupid, and I felt worse afterwards. What he did was throw it all back in my face - he blamed me, and said he would never have had an affair if I had "put out". I know he was lashing out because he is hurt too (I am rejecting him, after all). I have been aware for a while that I was doing the right thing in separating from him. But tonight I found out just how right I was. I am so angry I could spit. The only problem is that he and I are going to be in each other's lives for ever because of our two kids. At one time we both hoped we could remain friends. But right now, all we feel for each other is hatred. How on earth will we get past that? Now I feel so stupid for having called him.
Fofinha Posted March 10, 2004 Posted March 10, 2004 Don't regret having called him. You were mad and had every right to be so! What is done is done. And yes, according to your story, you were very right in leaving him! Good for you! As for becoming friends. Well, you are both hurt right now and will probably hate each other for a while (although you have many more reasons to be mad at him!). Eventually, emotions will cool off and you will both realize that being friends will only benefit the children. It might take some time but it could happen. Good luck.
Fedup&givingup Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Pea, I just found your post. The one thing I have to say that you said is that he is hurt now too because you rejected him. Don't apologize for the piece of sh*t! I feel HURT for you, pure sorrow. I am SOOO sorry to hear. I commend you getting him out of your house, going to see a lawyer and getting on with your life. I think it is down right repulsive that he had this other woman over, and she slept in YOUR bed and met your son! That takes the cake. That man is completely and utterly worthless. As for the cheap shot that your soon to be ex exclaimed with, "I wouldn't have cheated if you had put out", ignore that. He wouldn't have done that if he were a decent human being, which he is clearly not. I am utterly amazed and disgusted at these stories! NO OFFENSE to the people on here trying to work things out after an affair...but I don't see any point in it. The damage has been done and it can't be undone or fixed. I DO however see the reason why people are drawn back in...you end up feeling so low about yourself that you want some-any love from the one that hurt you badly. The pain is immense, and I think nothing compares to the pain of finding out the one you love has betrayed you this badly. I'm in limbo and biding my time.....<sigh> Mine tells me all the time how much he loves me, how pretty I am.......I truthfully see how he does it to receive my reaction, to evaluate how "into" him I actually am. I don't know if that makes any sense. When he tells me he loves me, he is on the edge of his seat with baited breath waiting to hear me say it back...blah, blah, blah
Author peakey Posted March 12, 2004 Author Posted March 12, 2004 The other day I went to see a lawyer. When I told my soon-to-be X about this, he became unbelievable angry. See, he's only moved out for 6 weeks to look after a friend's house. Despite the fact that I told him this was it, I didn't want to work things out, he deluded himself and decided it was just a trial separation to see how things went - ie, at the end of it we might want to take each other back. Ha! I already knew 100% I didn't want him back, but maybe he knew he'd have a tough time without me - the person who cooks and cleans and all that. The hilarious thing was, he sent me an email, a really nasty one, in which he said some irrational, stupid, mean stuff. But what made me want to laugh was when he said that I was a cold-hearted b**ch for going to see a lawyer and had "ended any chance we had of working things out" !!!!!!!!!!!! It confirmed to me that he is living in a different universe. Not only are we not on the same page, we're reading different books! Excuse me for thinking that him having several affairs, having his OW over while I was in hospital having his baby, and all that kind of stuff might have been what ended our chances for working things out. Is he sooooooo deluded that he imagines that in ANY universe I'd accept him back after all the things he's done?
Author peakey Posted March 12, 2004 Author Posted March 12, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup NO OFFENSE to the people on here trying to work things out after an affair...but I don't see any point in it. The damage has been done and it can't be undone or fixed. I DO however see the reason why people are drawn back in...you end up feeling so low about yourself that you want some-any love from the one that hurt you badly. The pain is immense, and I think nothing compares to the pain of finding out the one you love has betrayed you this badly. I do know how you feel. I do believe that it is possible to work things out after an affair, because I've seen it happen. But it only works if the person who had the affair BENDS OVER BACKWARDS to show how truly sorry they are, to show how much they love and care for you, and to work on any problems there might be in the marriage. True remorse is vital, I believe. People make mistakes, and it's good to give people second chances. But yeah, lots of us are drawn back in even if the cheater doesn't show true remorse, doesn't bend over backwards. Exactly as you say, we feel so low, we just want some love, even the leftovers! And we can be easily sweet-talked into staying. It takes a great deal of personal strength to break out of that lowness we feel. But on the positive side, I can attest that it is possible to gain strenght even when you are down. It might take time, but it's very possible. Originally posted by Fedup&givingup I'm in limbo and biding my time.....<sigh> Mine tells me all the time how much he loves me, how pretty I am.......I truthfully see how he does it to receive my reaction, to evaluate how "into" him I actually am. I don't know if that makes any sense. When he tells me he loves me, he is on the edge of his seat with baited breath waiting to hear me say it back...blah, blah, blah Yep, makes perfect sense. He may well be "trying things out" - how far can he push you? How long can he string you along? THat sort of thing. Maybe I'm just cynical because of my own experience. My H told me every time things went bad how much he loved me and wanted to work things out. Meanwhile, though, he was still seeing his OW. Many guys know that all they need to do is say they love you and then you'll do anything, put up with anything to stay with them. I truly believe my H thought that if I loved him enough, if I was, as you put it "into" him enough, I would have put up with everything he did. The fact that I didn't meant to him I didn't love him enough. If that's true, so be it. He can live alone with his delusions for the rest of his life.
GiveAndTake Posted March 12, 2004 Posted March 12, 2004 My advice is, hold on to that evidence you found. Put it away where he can never find it. This divorce could get ugly. Trust me from experience, you may need that evidence one day really soon. If he is very angry, he may try to get the house, kids, all the money etc... , just so you don't leave him or just because he's pissed off. Hold that evidence with your life, it will be your golden ticket to winning this divorce which you deserve from what you've written. PUT THAT EVIDENCE AWAY!
Fraggles Posted March 12, 2004 Posted March 12, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup NO OFFENSE to the people on here trying to work things out after an affair...but I don't see any point in it. The damage has been done and it can't be undone or fixed. I DO however see the reason why people are drawn back in...you end up feeling so low about yourself that you want some-any love from the one that hurt you badly. The pain is immense, and I think nothing compares to the pain of finding out the one you love has betrayed you this badly. Originally posted by peakey I do know how you feel. I do believe that it is possible to work things out after an affair, because I've seen it happen. But it only works if the person who had the affair BENDS OVER BACKWARDS to show how truly sorry they are, to show how much they love and care for you, and to work on any problems there might be in the marriage. True remorse is vital, I believe. People make mistakes, and it's good to give people second chances. I agree with peakey. If the wayward partner BENDS OVER BACKWARDS to show how truly sorry they are, to show how much they love and care for you, and to work on any problems there might be in the marriage then there is a chance for a stronger and more loving marriage. If my H had in any way: *made excuses for the affair *blamed his actions on me *refused to leave the OW *refused counseling *and didn't BEND ASS OVER BACKWARDS (I love that phrase! ) I would have kicked his a** out so quick. He is human, he is infalliable. He is the father of our two great kids. He is genuinely a great guy. He made a very very very bad choice (who hasn't??) and I am ready to give him one (1), count it ONE, chance to make it "right." He is doing all that is right and I can feel his sincerity. I trust my instinct (it has saved my a** many times) and I know right now things are going to be alright some day. Once my gut tells me otherwise, I will take appropriate measures. It takes so much energy to resent, to punish, to hate... I'd rather give my energy to forgive and make my life better.
Sorry Husband Posted March 23, 2004 Posted March 23, 2004 For several years I have dealt with verbal abuse, neglect and a really troubling marriage. I had tried couseling, communications and everything under the sun to make things better. NOTHING worked. All I was told was, if you're unhappy go find someone else. After 2 1/2 years of pure misery and nothing working, I befriended a women and ended up having relations. I ended it shortly after and felt very guilty about it. 3 years past and then my wife found out. For the last 6 months I have been waiting on her hand and foot, doing EVERYTHING that I could do to show that I was commited and that I loved her. The verbal abuse continues, there is NO getting better yet and I am about at my end of the rope. It's been almost 4 1/2 years of down and very few ups. I made a mistake, I trust me, I have paid for it more than you can imagine.
Fraggles Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Sorry Husband, Well, it seems to me your wife does not want true recovery and a good, healthy marriage. Even though you are the wayward spouse, the betrayed has work to do also. Even though my H is bending over backwards to make things up to me, I am appreciating it every step of the way. I give him cards, say thank you for the thoughtful things he does, etc. Yes, I have days when I can be very angry but the balance of good days outweigh the bad. And eventually the bad ones will cease. I am so sorry your wife obviously takes advantage of her "power" over you for the affair. If I were you, I'd seriously consider divorce at this point. It seems everything has been tried on your end. Just end the marriage before you look for another SO! Good luck.
NotaBadGuy Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 To Peakey and all, I finally had some time to read through the posts here. I totally understand the anger you have for your H. It is the hardest part of my situtation to let go of. I have no kids and got off rather well, but the anger is still there. I struggled mightily for so long to not call, to not send a letter or not, to not drive by places she frequents. I couldn't. It hurt too bad to. What was once so young and so innocent turned into something that destroyed my concept of trust, honesty, and commitment. I am learning to forgive. I have to. I do not want to feel the anger anymore. I wanted so bad for things to work out. I am by no means a perfect man, but I tried. Even when the fallout began, I attempted to do everything possible to save our marriage. Even in the face of her talling me she never loved me, should have never gotten married, and that the whole thing was a big mistake, I fought tooth and nail for us. I went outside of myself and anything I ever had done to try and show her how sincere I was. I was willing, at that time, to totally ingnore and accept her infidelity if that is what it took to save our marriage. That was 5 months ago. Now I sit and often ask myself what I did wrong. I beat myself up about it. I fear relationships. But I know I did everything I could have done. I wanted to be her knight in shining armor and her my damsel in distress. But in the end, I guess those fairy tales are few and far between. Life is funny that way. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Finally, if divorce comes about, please remember the kids. There is a saying from an older court decision of recent past that states in terms of children and divorce, "when elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers." I am glad to see on this forum the posters who acknowledge thier children and show genuine concern for thier well being. I know the court system pins each spouse up as adversaries and sort of forces them to go into verbal sparring. Often times, the children of these parents are left as pawns in this bitter battle. These children often lose thier innocence at an early age and are forced to grow up too fast. As the quote states, although the parents are in the battle with each other, the children, in the end suffer the brunt of the damage. (And this paragraph by no means is saying that there is not harm to children when some parents stay in an unfruitful marriage) Just my two cents though.
SoleMate Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Affairs stink. But if I ever had one, I would make darn sure: * That my husband and kids would always be shielded from knowledge of it, to protect them (and yes, me) * My house and marital bed would not be used * No 3rd parties would be involved * No one would be made to lie for me * My family would always come #1 * I would not do a "Newt Gingrich" and leave a spouse who was facing a terminal illness or other major crisis * In public, I would ALWAYS act the loyal wife * I would never let my husband be humiliated or hurt There are affairs that are injurious, and there are those that add INSULT to injury. Like the way Prince Charles gave Camilla free run of his houses while still married to Diana. Keep it out of the house, I say. Otherwise, it's just TOO low.
Author peakey Posted March 24, 2004 Author Posted March 24, 2004 SoleMate, I loved your list of "what to do/not to do" in an affair. I guess there could be/should be honor even among the unfaithful. When I've told friends/family about what has happened, most are outraged that my H would cheat on me. But my Dad's reaction was different. He said something like "why couldn't he have just discreetly kept a mistress?" I was mortified, but now I wonder if he was saying that maybe there are some do's and don'ts for infidelity, similar to your list. I mean, it's one thing to cheat on your partner. But to cheat in the marital bed? To involve your kids? To have your girlfriend over to your house when your wife's in hospital? Yick. Is it a matter of "levels" or "degrees" of unfaithfulness? If you're going to be unfaithful, do it as discreetly as possible, and DON'T be utterly disrespectful. And maybe abstain for the few days your wife is in hospital having your baby. An affair is an affair. He crossed the line anyway, regardless of whether he slept with her twice a year or twice a night, in her bed or mine. But I do think there are degrees of unfaithfulness, and he dipped low. Maybe not as low as Prince Charles, but hey, aren't royalty supposed to get away with anything? Poor Diana.
SoleMate Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 If you're going to be unfaithful, do it as discreetly as possible, and DON'T be utterly disrespectful. Yes, that's exactly what your Dad and I were both saying. If you feel you must get sex elsewhere, minimize the exposure and hurt in every possible way. And yes, even if you are doing something wrong (cheating), there are degrees of wrongness. And there can be honor among thieves, that is well known. and maybe abstain for the few days your wife is in hospital having your baby Just one more good argument in favor of home births!
Arabess Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Just one more good argument in favor of home births! Sole, You must've had some great capacino this morning....cause your posts today are just 'perking'. You've kept me entertained all morning!!!!! THANKS!
Sorry Husband Posted March 30, 2004 Posted March 30, 2004 I posted earlier this month. As said before, I have done just about everyday for the last 5 months to show that I am commited to the relationship, that I am sorry and that I am trying to make up for it. I have complied with EVERY demand, EVERY request and conitue to suffer the abuse and anger toward me. I was so hurt in the past by the neglect of my wife I was drinking a lot, not taking care of myself and ended up being weak and entereing into an affair because I was in dire need of any sort of affection. Now, I am paying for it. I have tried holding her hand everywhere I go. Taking out out, not doing things that I want to do to show that I am there for her. I am taking on more and more of the house hold chores. I take almost full care of our daughter. I am a servant in my own home. NOTHING has been getting better. NOT EVEN A LITTLE. I don't expect it to happen over night, but I would think that maybe a tiny bit would get easier. NOTHING. In fact it is getting worse!! I took her away for a 3 day weekend. For part of the one day I took part in a cycling event. Cycling is the only hobby that I have the keeps me healthy and in shape and keeps my stress down. I did very well and was so happy for myself. Natually when I got back to the room, I sufferend massive putdowns and that I left her alone on vacation. 6 hours out of 3 days I took and that is too much. My family has a history of heart disease. My dad had a heart attact at 36, a year away from how old I am now. I am trying to keep myself healthy and alive for my daughter and family. Now it's the biking that is an issue. I spend an hour a day exercising and 2-3 on the weekend. How can that be too much??!? I have helped her try to find a job, did her resume, spoke to many people trying to get her an interview, supporting her, encouraging her, praising her. When I get home from job that I have hated for years, sat in traffic of an hour, I have to eat dinner alone and then come the verbal abuse and put downs. If I try talking I get told "don't talk, your voice makes me crazy" So, at what point to I throw in the towel? I have gone to therapy, I have stopped drinking I have done EVERYTHING!!! Now, I am left miserable, I am down all the time and this is the reason that I strayed in the first place. what else can I do?? I started to fall of the wagon, my cycling is suffering. I can't sleep at night. I am so lonely for any sort of positive contact opposed to everything that I have done wrong. I would love some advice. At this pace I am running myself into an early grave.
Author peakey Posted March 31, 2004 Author Posted March 31, 2004 Dear Sorry, From what you say, it does sound like you are bending over backwards to make it up to your W. So I can understand how frustrated you must be. Did you say that it has been just five months since you told your wife (or she found out) about your affair. While five months must seem like an eternity to you under these circumstances, it really is still early days. I've heard that it can take the cheated-on spouse something like two years to "get over" the infidelity, and that's if the unfaithful one is doing all they can to make up for it. Two things: one, are you both going to therapy together? Is your W going by herself? It might make a difference. It sounds like there were problems or issues in your marriage anyway, and therapy might help. two: have you actually said you are sorry? I mean a big, heart-felt sorry? And you might have to say it often! And are you letting her check on what you do without showing too much frustration? Let her spy on you. Tell her what you're doing, where you're going to be every minute of the day. That might help build trust again. Having said all that, fixing a marriage after infidelity is a two-way thing. From what I've read and heard, for a marriage to survive and move on from infidelity, two things have to happen. First, the person who cheated has to be truly sorry for what they've done, NOT just because it's screwed things up, but because they accept that what they did is wrong. They have to take responsibility for their actions, and apologize. Second, the person who was cheated on also has a job to do. If you are showing you are truly sorry and are doing all you can to make it up to her, and if she still wants to be with you, she needs to give you a break, cut you some slack. She needs to acknowledge that you are trying. But this is probably a really long process. Much longer than five months. She's probably so angry still that she can't look at you straight. It might take her a long long time to get over anger. And if you at any stage ask her "when are you going to get over it", you lose! Seriously. Don't EVER say that. All of these tips are things I picked up from reading a lot about this. There's some great websites and books out there full of info and tips. Sadly, I read all this stuff and my cheating H didn't. He didn't bend over backwards to show me he really wanted to be with me. He got frustrated when I checked on what he was doing. And he asked me (while he was still cheating on me) "When are you going to get over this?". Guess what? We're now separated. If you are truly doing everything you can, and your W STILL won't give you back some affection, some trust, some commitment, only you can decide how long you can deal with it. Maybe you will end up throwing in the towel. But it's great that you want to try to work it out. I truly wish you all the best. I wish my H had put in half as much effort as you seem to be doing.
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