rich46 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Hi, I met my Japanese girlfriend online last year, and we spent forever chatting on MSN. I was living in South Korea at the time, so we eventually agreed to meet and we hit it off immediately in person as of March this year. Roll on to August and I found a job in Japan and moved here, something I wanted to do regardless of the girlfriend situation. However, my 7 month contract involved working an hour flight away from her, so we were still long distance, but the plan was that after the contract I would seek a job closer to her...at least we were now in the same country. I last saw her a few weeks ago and we had a great weekend together. But suddenly two weeks ago, her father broke his collarbone, so she had to postpone our next trip at the start of December. She is an only child and is basically a servant for her parents, which may or may not be a cultural thing. Previous to this, she had postponed a trip because of a work commitment, which was the first sign of trouble in my eyes, although she was in tears for days over it. Anyway, since her father broke his collarbone, she has been distant and is having real doubts about me moving closer to her. This annoys me because I have already started my job search, and we began to clash, with her maintaining that she just needs space, time to think, worried about the future, etc etc. I found it very difficult, as I am in limbo as I don't know what jobs to apply for, and we had an awkward MSN conversation last Thursday where it seemed we were friends as opposed to boyfriend/girlfriend. Therefore I decided to cut the contact completely for the time being, otherwise I would be clingy/needy and it would push her away even more. I wanted to tell her on the phone but I ended up sending a lengthy email telling her how I feel and that I am happy to give her space, and she knows how to contact me when her mind is clearer. She texted back saying "Rich I know I am contacting you, but just wanted to say take care of yourself too xxx" So do you think I have done the right thing? It hurts so much right now but I think the NC is right for both of us: me so I can prepare myself for the worst (inevitable?) and her so she can sort her mind out once and for all. It has been one week since our last contact, and I won't be initiating any contact, so the ball is in her court. Thank you for reading. Rich
Omei Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Your no-contact plan in her mind could lead to her moving on from you. You just sent her an email and didn't talk about it as a couple. That's just my opinion.
Author rich46 Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 Your no-contact plan in her mind could lead to her moving on from you. You just sent her an email and didn't talk about it as a couple. That's just my opinion. Well I texted her the morning after the strange MSN conversation, when she was distant, asking if we could speak that evening or Saturday morning. She replied saying she wasn't ready to talk, so that is why I sent the email... I just didn't want to keep in touch as it would inevitably have led to arguments. Also, I experienced someone distancing themselves from me when my first love dumped me back in 2004, and I was the definition of clingy, so this time I wanted to give her all the space she needs...
folieadeux Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I agree with Omei. I think you need to have a chat with her first to address your concerns. There seems to be a bigger issue here than her having to care for her father. If after all that she still flakes out on you, then the NC would definitely be the way to go. In the meantime, I would focus on you and not make a career move based upon this relationship as it seems to be very much in limbo right now.
Author rich46 Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 I agree with Omei. I think you need to have a chat with her first to address your concerns. There seems to be a bigger issue here than her having to care for her father. If after all that she still flakes out on you, then the NC would definitely be the way to go. In the meantime, I would focus on you and not make a career move based upon this relationship as it seems to be very much in limbo right now. Thank you for your reply. Well it has been 8 days since our last contact, and I don't feel like it is the right thing to do to break NC right now. I understand what you are saying though...maybe in a week or so I will consider initiating a conversation with her to clear things up once and for all. I did try to speak to her about this but she just kept repeating her need for space and time, and the final straw was when she acted cold and distant during an MSN conversation. I don't understand what is happening but I don't think I can do much about it...just focus on myself and try to heal ahead of a likely break up.
lala82 Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 People react in different ways when they have problems. Some people like to share their problems with their partners, others do not. I think that your gf is having an issue with her father and doesn't want to involve you. Maybe, that's the reason why she needs to be alone for a while. Sorry for asking you, if you do not mind. How is your relationship with her parents? I do not know if her father is putting some king of pressure on her. I told you that, because I have friends from Asia and I know that some families are very conservatives, especially with daughters. Anyway, you tried to contact her and she is not ready to speak with you. I think, you should wait at least a week more. If she cares you, I am sure she will contact you sooner or later.
Author rich46 Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Thanks for you reply, lala82... Actually I have never met her parents, or visited her hometown. We have always met in the middle somewhere, as it was easier for me when I was traveling from Korea. I don't think there are any issues with her parents, especially her Mum. She calls her when we are together and asks about me, and she offered to pay for us a hotel this Christmas Day (that plan evaporated when her dad broke his collarbone). I'm still confused about all this, but gradually I am moving on and realising that this isn't going to work....
lala82 Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Rich I am really sorry for the situation that you are facing with your gf. A couple of months ago I split up with my ex bf. Before we finish our relationship, he was very distance and cold with me. He told me that he needed time and space. We just spoke max. 2 days per week. I was very worry about his feelings toward me. In other words, I was very miserable. A relationship is not healthy when you feel anxiety or depress. But honestly, it was the best to end with him. Now, I am with another person. We meet each other without planning. We live in different countries, but not far. We are happy and we care each other. I’m planning to move to his country soon. If she is not the right girl for you, I am sure you will find someone sooner or later, who loves you and makes you happy.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 i am a little bit lost with your story but what i can tell you is that japanese value their families and jobs that sometimes it feels that you are only second priority. what i can read between the lines is that she's stressed about her father's health issues and you seemed pretty upset about her postponing your trips. maybe she's seeking empathy from you? i am just playing devil's advocate here... i think it's still best to give her space but tell her that you would still be there for her if she needs someone to listen. if she's having doubts of you moving closer to her, then just give her some sort of re-assurance.
Author rich46 Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 i am a little bit lost with your story but what i can tell you is that japanese value their families and jobs that sometimes it feels that you are only second priority. what i can read between the lines is that she's stressed about her father's health issues and you seemed pretty upset about her postponing your trips. maybe she's seeking empathy from you? i am just playing devil's advocate here... i think it's still best to give her space but tell her that you would still be there for her if she needs someone to listen. if she's having doubts of you moving closer to her, then just give her some sort of re-assurance. Thanks for your reply, much appreciated. What you said makes sense. She was already being wishy washy before her father's accident though, saying she had doubts and asking exactly when I had to tell my boss that I won't be renewing my contract. I grew frustrated...it felt like I was in court, waiting for her judgement on my future. I am having a low day today, probably because 10 days have passed without contact. Part of me feels like I should drop her a line just so she knows I care, but the other part of me remembers that I told her to do the contacting when she was ready...plus I didn't appreciate her cold/distant behaviour the last time we chatted on MSN. I should continue to move on....
TokyoG33kyGal Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 hey rich, i totally understand what you are feeling. i actually have a japanese girl friend who's having similar problems with her boyfriend, a foreigner (i hooked them up) and they are really sort of wishy washy because they have different relationship expectations. She was already being wishy washy before her father's accident though, saying she had doubts and asking exactly when I had to tell my boss that I won't be renewing my contract. I grew frustrated...it felt like I was in court, waiting for her judgement on my future. i think it won't hurt to initiate contact once, it would be better though to talk on the phone...arrange a time to talk. what do you want to happen to your relationship? let's say, you have all the right to decide for her, what direction would you choose to fix this? i know how stressful to find a job here, if you need some suggestions you can hit me a private message
Author rich46 Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 hey rich, i totally understand what you are feeling. i actually have a japanese girl friend who's having similar problems with her boyfriend, a foreigner (i hooked them up) and they are really sort of wishy washy because they have different relationship expectations. i think it won't hurt to initiate contact once, it would be better though to talk on the phone...arrange a time to talk. what do you want to happen to your relationship? let's say, you have all the right to decide for her, what direction would you choose to fix this? i know how stressful to find a job here, if you need some suggestions you can hit me a private message Well I live in Nagano-ken and she lives in Kagoshima so we are quite far apart at the moment, and it is expensive to keep having to fly to see her. So ideally, I would have got a job in somewhere like Fu kuoka or Kumamoto, so it would have been a lot easier to meet on weekends. However, I really like my job and after this episode, I have my doubts about moving, especially as she is so indecisive (which she admitted herself). Time apart has made me question whether I want to be with her anymore anyway, as I just see more confusion and mixed signals in the future. I think I need some more time to think, and I will reassess at the weekend about whether to contact her or not... Thanks again.
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