Girl of my dreams, however will it work?

[seanw1up]

I'm going to casually attempt to keep this as short and as to the point as possible. I am currently in a long term, two year plus relationship, with the commitment between the two of us to always stay together. Bit of Background, I met her at boarding school, and she is now 16 and I am 19, nearly 20 next year. This is her first relationship, and she is the first person I've actually really loved. Things were very very positive at the school, and I had no problems so speak of, however now that I have left and moved onto college things have gotten a little more challenging, as I have to see her on time constraints now. This has however been managed for the most part and I can see her about once every two weeks, sometimes once every week, with once a month me seeing her at home, spending two days at a time with her. Problem is we had recently three large arguments which for the life of me I swear nearly ended the entire relationship. The first fight started with her not wanting the emotional burden at this stage of getting married, so I told her look its not an issue if you don't want to commit to that, she then seemed to get a lot better. My only issue at the time was that she should perhaps inform me if she is feeling really down about something or getting depressed over an issue. It seemed she was keeping things from me. Second fight happened a day later, with her saying that she wanted some space. I asked her what she meant a about this and she brought up the idea for the first time of taking a break. I asked what was bothering her about this, and it was the fact that I was calling her to much, and trying to hard to get hold of her. As additional background for this she is terrible with her phones and internet, and does not use email ever, and will let her cell phones run out of battery, and refuses to check the phone for missed calls or texts, this is not just for me she does this for everyone. She also has done this since I met her, and RARELY calls me back or calls me in general, and instead wants me to call. This for me has just become an even larger issue since I'm a state away, as I need to call her more now. Hense why I'd have others remind her to turn her phones on or to call me. She didn't like this though it seemed. Pretty much I spend more time trying to reach her then actually talking to her, if she doesn't hear the phone, she won't answer, she also doesn't bring her phone with her ever. So she slams me for being to clingly, and has mentioned that I seem to needy/clingy since this original fight as well. Long story short, she concludes that I should just call her once a day for now on, and for another two weeks things are better. Then we have the largest argument and fight, something I was not expecting. I call her the day before going to see her, and for that week, I was able to reach her but she was complaining that she was always "busy" I stopped her this time and said, ok wait a second I'm not going to be brushed off again simply so you can have a shower, why not call be back after? I asked her why I was always getting shafted. She then informs me that she has been having deep thoughts to herself and that she was almost depressed about an issue. In asking what it was she thought at the time she was having feelings for someone else. She tells me that she felt, almost butterflys for the person and went as far as to tell him she like him, with him telling her "I know" but that he liked someone else. I go through all her thoughts and attempt to be as unbiased as possible. She in the end concludes that I was very understanding and thought that this would tear us apart. I told her she really did nothing wrong and really do appreciate that she came to me to talk about the ordeal. We eventually decide that she just needs more freinds, as she has next to no freinds at the school and has no one she feels she can talk to or trust besides myself. So I come see her the next day and I naturally do not think things are over with the issue. I hound her and in fact they are not. Her biggest fear is that this will happen again and that she will hurt me in the process, or will she have second thoughts about me, and that how can she know that what she feels for true love. She concludes that she guess she was curious to what love outside of me would feel like, or other relationships. I again attempt to be as unbiased as possible and ask her what she wants saying that she cannot have it both ways, that I will support her no matter what her decision is but I cannot give her both. I ask her to think hard about her choice, and know that she can choose to experience other things and I will walk my sepperate ways, but if she chooses to keep going I will give the world to her like I always have, but that she has to be sure of what ever decision she makes and she has to then accept it and own it and move on with life. She after much crying sits where she is for about an hour and decides. She chooses me saying she could never lose me, that I am far to important, and that she could never spend her life with anyone else. Things have in fact been better since and its been almost two weeks since the fight, however since then I have been left dealing with my own issues of trust, and my own self esteem. I feel as if I missed something along the way, as if I'm doing something wrong with my life. Problem is, I do everything for this girl, I give my life and my soul. She knows I'm not going anywhere as I have and always will one of the most loyal people she will ever meet. I literally have and will continue to do anything and everything for her, to the point of my own physical and mental detriment. Its a bad thing in a sense but its who I am. My biggest fear is that I'm poring my heart into a leaking ship, sure things seem fine now but can I really count on tomorow? Recently I've tried to make sacrifices for her as well, she is a person who likes her space, and says that she actually rather just to see me once every two weeks, on the weekend to spend two days, while I would in reality like to spend a little more time with her, however I am doing my best to acomodate her space. She also says that calling every two days is a better margin between her really wanting to hear from me and talking to me to much. I would prehaps prefer daily, but maybe this is better for her. All in all I'm trying to find things that work, I'm doing everything I can, I am pooling large amounts of money into the relationship because it is in a sense an expensive proposition and I'm poring my heart into every aspect of it. Its draining at times, but on others its the best thing I life I have ever experienced. I don't regret anything of it though, but I have so many doubts recently, and I want to believe that things going forward will work, I do not want to be used. Most of all I don't want to be told in two months that sorry, this just doesn't work for me, I want another man. The bigger issue is I can't see a future without her, so much of my life currently is centered around her, and a good part of my greater friend group outside of my college has something to do with her. So LS what do you think? similar experiences, what am I doing wrong or what isn't working, will this work, or are these the signs that things are not going to work. My issue recently is a doctor told me that "You know statistically first long term relationships neeevvvver work so you should just be ok with that if it fails" and my parents told me I should have kicked her to the curb on the first argument. Others have said to give it a chance and that it is true love between us and things will work out. I of course want a more finitive answer and want faith that things will in fact work. Also am I being to clingly? I'm really trying to balance things for her. My last issue is I have issues of paranoia recently and distrust, I keep thinking some better guy is going to steal her from me or shes going to find something better eventually. Its kinda killing me, I want my life back. Basically give me the run down folks. Thanks for your time.

[utterer of lies]

You should get used to the fact that it's over. End it quickly and go no contact, so your memories will mainly be about the nice time you had, and not the fights...

[seanw1up]

You should get used to the fact that it's over. End it quickly and go no contact, so your memories will mainly be about the nice time you had, and not the fights...

 

But its not over. I am merely asking for advice going forward and what to expect, not on how to end it, thats the last thing currently on my mind. If I wished that both her and I had a very easy way of ending it two weeks ago. So your post isn't very helpful.

[utterer of lies]

But its not over. I am merely asking for advice going forward and what to expect, not on how to end it, thats the last thing currently on my mind. If I wished that both her and I had a very easy way of ending it two weeks ago. So your post isn't very helpful.

 

That may be, but all her actions and reactions should tell you that she wants to end it. She didn't, probably out of guilt, but eventually she will. As soon as she found mr. rebound guy, I guess.

 

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but .. that's how it goes...

[Pfiend101]

shes a 16 year old girl bro. Just as the guy above me said. Its over but she doesn't want to be the one to end it. Shes hinting at you to dump her. In my opinion. There will be another. No biggie. You'll find another. She's 16 years old... her hormones are all over the place she needs to go out and bang a bunch of random dudes before she realizes that in the end this means nothing and she could have had a great guy all along.

 

It's tough but GO NO CONTACT. Since she is not showing you respect show her none. Dump her without another thought of it.

[seanw1up]

That may be, but all her actions and reactions should tell you that she wants to end it. She didn't, probably out of guilt, but eventually she will. As soon as she found mr. rebound guy, I guess.

 

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but .. that's how it goes...

 

I have also asked several times if she merely decided to stay out of guilt. She isn't, its not as clear cut as you have stated. She also stated she only ever had a curiosity of what might be on the other side of things, not a total desire to do it. Its just not as easy to jump to that conclusion, believe me I've been there. I'm looking for actual advice and opinions here folks, not simpley people telling me to kick her to the curb and go NC. Remember I happen to love this girl, and I have three times given her the option to simply guilt free walk away. This is not what she wants, but I'm not totally sure what she wants going forward either. Come on folks you can't be as shallow as your showing me you are from these first few replys...

[seanw1up]

Folks, let me perhaps be a little more specific as well. I am not looking to lose her. If it comes to that in time then so be it, but I am not simply looking to throw in the towel. I can and will intend on doing anything for her, and she does love me that I know but to what extent I am unsure. I am looking for clear cut ways to salvage what I have, or to make sure nothing goes wrong going forward. She says things are fine, can I believe that.

[utterer of lies]

I have also asked several times if she merely decided to stay out of guilt. She isn't, its not as clear cut as you have stated. She also stated she only ever had a curiosity of what might be on the other side of things, not a total desire to do it. Its just not as easy to jump to that conclusion, believe me I've been there.

 

Of course she's not going to say it to you face-to-face.

 

 

I'm looking for actual advice and opinions here folks, not simpley people telling me to kick her to the curb and go NC. Remember I happen to love this girl, and I have three times given her the option to simply guilt free walk away. This is not what she wants, but I'm not totally sure what she wants going forward either. Come on folks you can't be as shallow as your showing me you are from these first few replys...

 

Thanks for the insult. I'm shallow and simpley because I tell you what it looks like without the pink glasses of infatuation.

 

 

Folks, let me perhaps be a little more specific as well. I am not looking to lose her. If it comes to that in time then so be it, but I am not simply looking to throw in the towel. I can and will intend on doing anything for her, and she does love me that I know but to what extent I am unsure. I am looking for clear cut ways to salvage what I have, or to make sure nothing goes wrong going forward. She says things are fine, can I believe that.

 

No you can't, but you are obviously not listening.

Edited November 26, 2010 by utterer of lies

[welikeincrowds]

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/94441/the_importance_of_paragraph_breaks.html?cat=35

[seanw1up]

I do see your point however I am simpley looking for people to concider what I have said and give an honest opinion and offer experience and advice where they can. I'm sorry if you feel insulted but to simpley tell me to break off and go NC after two years is ridiculous. What if there actually is a legitimate possibility she loves me and wants to continue this. I love this girl and I'm looking for ways to inprove the wituation and figure out why this happened and after things don't inprove or go wrong again then I will call it quits. Therefore does anyone have any additional insight they wish to share?

[Andy_K]

The best advice I can give you is:

 

'simply' has no e

'improve' uses an m

'consider' only has one c

 

Aside from that, I think you are fighting against the tide here. She is pushing you ever further away, which will make it easier for her to develop feelings for other guys. A girl who wants to spend the rest of her life with you, will want to see you more than once a fortnight! Sure, she loves you and doesn't want to leave you or hurt you. But at the same time, she does. She's only 16. She's got her whole life ahead of her and a lot of growing up to do and learning about herself to experience.

 

Give her whatever space she needs or wants. I would start trying to accept that there is probably a 95% chance that the best possible outcome you can hope for from this is an amicable breakup.

[seanw1up]

The best advice I can give you is:

 

'simply' has no e

'improve' uses an m

'consider' only has one c

 

Aside from that, I think you are fighting against the tide here. She is pushing you ever further away, which will make it easier for her to develop feelings for other guys. A girl who wants to spend the rest of her life with you, will want to see you more than once a fortnight! Sure, she loves you and doesn't want to leave you or hurt you. But at the same time, she does. She's only 16. She's got her whole life ahead of her and a lot of growing up to do and learning about herself to experience.

 

Give her whatever space she needs or wants. I would start trying to accept that there is probably a 95% chance that the best possible outcome you can hope for from this is an amicable breakup.

 

Ok that's fine. What does one do under these circumstances I don't simpley want to let this die. Should I confront her, and bring this to closure or should I simpley hope for the best. It would hurt me so much to lose her and she promises she loves me.

[Andy_K]

Given that you don't want to leave her, I would suggest you go along with whatever relationship dynamic she wants - calling every two days, seeing each other every two weeks, etc - but under one condition. That she promises that if she does decide things aren't going to work out, she tells you up front rather than 'letting things happen' with someone else. You'll respect her feelings if she respects yours.

 

She has said that you are too clingy, so every effort you make to bring the two of you closer is going to aggravate this feeling. You should spend your spare time doing other things that make you happy - hobbies, sports, spending time with friends, etc. Not pining over her. For one thing this will make it easier for you to carry on with your life if she does end it, and for another it's the best thing to do to stop her feeling trapped too.

 

Then when the two of you are together, try to keep things fun and happy. Don't have long serious talks unless she is the one to bring them up.

[seanw1up]

Given that you don't want to leave her, I would suggest you go along with whatever relationship dynamic she wants - calling every two days, seeing each other every two weeks, etc - but under one condition. That she promises that if she does decide things aren't going to work out, she tells you up front rather than 'letting things happen' with someone else. You'll respect her feelings if she respects yours.

 

She has said that you are too clingy, so every effort you make to bring the two of you closer is going to aggravate this feeling. You should spend your spare time doing other things that make you happy - hobbies, sports, spending time with friends, etc. Not pining over her. For one thing this will make it easier for you to carry on with your life if she does end it, and for another it's the best thing to do to stop her feeling trapped too.

 

Then when the two of you are together, try to keep things fun and happy. Don't have long serious talks unless she is the one to bring them up.

 

Kind of what I figured and what I'm trying to do, but I always have this sinking feeling that I'm just prolonging the inevitable, I'm having a hard time just enjoying life now. Is there not something I can say or do to figure out where I stand?

[seanw1up]

Pretty much what I'm looking to know to allow me to both move on and sleep at night are:

 

1. What are her intension's

2. Will she jump ship at the next opportunity

3. Would things have changed if that guy had said he liked her, even though she insists nothing would have happened and that she would never leave me.

4. Am I really being unreasonable, clingy and needy... I never felt I was

5. Am I throwing all of myself and money into a pit

6. Does she really love me and see a future with me or is she doubting

7. Is it unreasonable for me to expect anything of her, what I want most of all is for her to be honest, up front, a friend, and happy not hide behind lies and others (Which I don't think is happening right now but it could be happening).

8. Am I simply prolonging a very painful end

9. Did she ever love me and want a future if she doesn't now.

10. How do I get these answers

11. Why doesn't she want to hear and see me more, even though at this point I can't see her anymore then I already am, though its odd she doesn't want to see me more then that, when she simply says its enough and that any less or more would be detrimental.

12. Am I simply a big fat idiot here?

 

These are basically things I need to be answered to be happy. Long story short right now I just am not happy in college, I feel like my life revolves around her, and I am going to counseling to help it. None of this would be a problem if I felt that my actions are justified and that what I give out is being returned. I just have this feeling that if I just stopped doing things she just wouldn't be that bothered, but I'm to scared to live without her. At the same time the memories, my love for her, and what we could have keep me here. If there is even a small chance of a future with her I want it, and I want it so bad.

[Andy_K]

Is there not something I can say or do to figure out where I stand?

 

Only if you want to break up with her.

 

If you really don't feel you can carry on the way you are, you can confront her and ask her to make a decision to determine where you stand. Tell her you don't want a relationship with less than 100% commitment either side, and explain that either the two of you act like a couple - see each other every week, stay in touch daily, and so forth - or else you aren't right for each other and should go your separate ways. No middle ground.

 

Don't go this route unless you're psychologically prepared for the likely breakup.

[seanw1up]

Only if you want to break up with her.

 

If you really don't feel you can carry on the way you are, you can confront her and ask her to make a decision to determine where you stand. Tell her you don't want a relationship with less than 100% commitment either side, and explain that either the two of you act like a couple - see each other every week, stay in touch daily, and so forth - or else you aren't right for each other and should go your separate ways. No middle ground.

 

Don't go this route unless you're psychologically prepared for the likely breakup.

 

At the end of the day though is this the better option? I am looking more for the final solution then anything else, if it ends everything then it was never meant to be. I'll have to deal with that possibility in that case anyway, better sooner then later. I want to figure out a way to have both her and I find peace.

[seanw1up]

Also anyone else have some ideas? Is this the right course of action, or personal experience stories?

[Pfiend101]

I believe she is cheating on you now or will be shortly in the future. Dump that bitch!

[seanw1up]

I believe she is cheating on you now or will be shortly in the future. Dump that bitch!

 

Definably hasn't, most certainly nearly happened, however this requires more thought and consideration then that. If its meant to end, it will end, I just want a definitive way of figuring things out, now, and for good. I'm not going to waste any more of my time, effort of money on a sinking ship, its time I got a real answer.

[Pfiend101]

Also keep in mind shes a 16 year old girl. Getting a straight honest answer out of her is like a monkey fing a football.

[seanw1up]

Also keep in mind shes a 16 year old girl. Getting a straight honest answer out of her is like a monkey fing a football.

 

Indeed however keep in mind I love this girl, everything I decide today could very well change where I take my future. I could give her so much if I just knew for sure she felt the same way. Still, more insight if there is any folks? I'm still undecided on how to move forward.

[Bridgey]

In the end only you and your GF can answer all of your questions. But here are some things to consider:

 

1. You are both very young and you have just entered college. This is a huge turning point for most people's lives. Things are going to change, including your relationship.

 

2. Communication is so important in a relationship, especially in a long distance one, and she is trying to limit communication as much as possible. I do not think you are being clingy. I think you are a normal BF who wants to talk to his GF on a regular basis because you can't see each other every day.

 

3. Her "curiosity" about dating other guys is most likely going to turn into something more. If that happens it is going to hurt you very badly. If my BF told me he had considered being with someone else and went as far to tell the person he liked them I would be so gone.

 

I was in a long term teenage relationship myself and I learned that when things change they never go back to how they were. You need to have a very serious conversation with your GF, don't let her belittle your need to talk to her by letting her tell you you are being too clingy. In the end you have to do what is going to make you most happy in the long run.