tigressA Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 "I don't know what I want." I can hear myself saying that in response to the question, "What are you looking for?" And it's true. I have no idea. Should I be dating at all? I know many people date with a goal in mind--getting laid, meeting new people, finding true love, getting married. Beyond feeling the desire to get busy with someone I really click with (which everyone feels at some point), I have no desired objective. I suppose I could say I'm "open to anything", but that concept opens up a can of worms. To be open to anything, including an LTR, then I would likely have to break my typical pattern (sex when I feel like it, usually within the first 3 dates, coming off as very flirtatious/flighty/etc) in order to even be taken seriously for anything beyond a fling. Yet, I don't feel willing to change my typical behavior for something I don't even know I want. So...what to do?
musemaj11 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I think you have the body of a woman and the spirit of a man. There is nothing wrong with you. You are just unlike other females who were desperate to settle down with someone the second they were born so to speak. You are probably just not ready to settle down yet.
Star Gazer Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Sometimes you can't figure out what you do want, until you experience what you don't want. Date, and just make sure you answer the question honestly, and if necessary, volunteer it.
Author tigressA Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 Thanks...I wasn't thinking there's anything "wrong" with me, so to speak. I'm just wondering if I should be putting myself out there when I don't know "why" I'm out there. I was the one to end all but one of the relationships I've had where there was an explicit commitment. (Funnily enough, the one guy who dumped me said he couldn't ever see himself marrying me.) I recognized a feeling of restlessness settling in after some time, particularly in my last 3 relationships (spanning 3 years). I wonder if it was because those guys weren't right for me, or if I really don't want to settle with one person.
johan Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I think you're most likely to find the answers to your questions here: http://www.olivben.org/Novitiate/Being_Called/
In The Green Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I think you're most likely to find the answers to your questions here: http://www.olivben.org/Novitiate/Being_Called/ Hahahahaha.
SignalFlare Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I remember being faced with this dilemma too. Especially in the online dating scene there's a huge emphasis on "knowing what you want". As someone who didn't, I found it very intimidating. You may not know what you want, but you know who you are: someone who doesn't know what they want. As long as you express that to your date you shouldn't feel any guilt. That said, a lot of guys are going to interpret that as either (a) one night stand wheeee!; or (b) not looking for a LTR, I'm outta here. But that will only serve to filter out guys that aren't right for you anyway. The topic will come up naturally after a few dates, you don't have to advertise it.
EasyHeart Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 There's nothing wrong with not knowing what you want, especially when you're very young (which, if I remember correctly, you are). It's okay to date for the purpose of dating, not necessarily looking for a relationship. Just look for men who want the same thing; a lot of the problems and drama in dating arise because people aren't honest about what they're looking for -- even if they're not sure what it is! OTH, don't feel obligated to date. I think a lot of people think they MUST have a BF/GF in order to be complete or be normal. If you're not confident enough to be single and alone, then you shouldn't be dating at all.
Kamille Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Beyond feeling the desire to get busy with someone I really click with (which everyone feels at some point), I have no desired objective. I suppose I could say I'm "open to anything", but that concept opens up a can of worms. Of course you can date! Everyone dates for different reasons, so as long as you enjoy it and are honest with the people you date, enjoy! So, if I understand correctly, you want something that's a bit more involved than a FWB but not as serious as a relationship? Or, is it a scenario of "Enjoying dating and meeting for people for right now and who know, if the right person comes along, you'll consider entering a relationship with them?"
threebyfate Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 IMO, you're ready for a relationship but you're currently feeling a bit burned from both C. and this new guy who "appears" to have lost interest. I say "appears" since I think he'll be contacting you again after Thanksgiving weekend since this time is usually reserved for family and close friends (keep in mind that he just met you even though you connected). So, don't worry about what might happen. If some guy asks you out that appears interesting, go for it. No need to sit back and contemplate life. You're only in your early to mid-twenties where your personality type tends to recover pretty quickly.
northern_sky Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Date if you want, but honestly I think you have some growing to do before you're ready for a happy, long term relationship.
ConstantCraving Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 "I don't know what I want." I can hear myself saying that in response to the question, "What are you looking for?" And it's true. I have no idea. Should I be dating at all? I know many people date with a goal in mind--getting laid, meeting new people, finding true love, getting married. Beyond feeling the desire to get busy with someone I really click with (which everyone feels at some point), I have no desired objective. I suppose I could say I'm "open to anything", but that concept opens up a can of worms. To be open to anything, including an LTR, then I would likely have to break my typical pattern (sex when I feel like it, usually within the first 3 dates, coming off as very flirtatious/flighty/etc) in order to even be taken seriously for anything beyond a fling. Yet, I don't feel willing to change my typical behavior for something I don't even know I want. So...what to do? Great question. Rest assured that its not just women who feel that way. I'm a guy and I am so ambivalent about women it just isn't funny. I know that I enjoy hanging out with attractive women (huge surprise) and that I enjoy being physically intimate with attractive women (another huge surprise) BUT... ...what do I "bring to the table"? That's where it all comes unstuck.
northern_sky Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Btw, I disagree with the idea that dating breaks work for most people. If you find that dating is consuming life energy from your other pursuits, then sure. But I don't get the sense that's true for Tigress. I think experience is a better teacher.
Author tigressA Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 IMO, you're ready for a relationship but you're currently feeling a bit burned from both C. and this new guy who "appears" to have lost interest. I say "appears" since I think he'll be contacting you again after Thanksgiving weekend since this time is usually reserved for family and close friends (keep in mind that he just met you even though you connected). So, don't worry about what might happen. If some guy asks you out that appears interesting, go for it. No need to sit back and contemplate life. You're only in your early to mid-twenties where your personality type tends to recover pretty quickly. About the new guy--it's pretty clear to me that he has lost interest. He flat-out didn't respond to two efforts at contact (including a phone call) and has been super-active on the site (in fact I just spotted him online now). I'm basically over it...just a bit disappointed because I honestly thought he was better than to pull a disappearing act. I lose a lot of respect for people who do that after sleeping with someone. Kamille, I guess you're right--I am "open to anything"--including a relationship. I like to think that if I met someone who I felt I really connected with then I would be willing to commit to exploring a meaningful relationship. I have a date with a new guy tomorrow night; we'll see what happens. I'm corresponding with 3 others but none of them have asked me out yet. One of them is 3 years younger than me but he seems rather mature for his age--he has a web design business. He's asking me a lot of in-depth questions about myself so he seems very interested in getting to know me.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 T, go with the flow! I don't think actively pursuing dates constitute jumping into relationships, if anything it'll just make you overly anxious whether these dates are going anywhere. You're young, if a relationship happens it happens.
threebyfate Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 About the new guy--it's pretty clear to me that he has lost interest. He flat-out didn't respond to two efforts at contact (including a phone call) and has been super-active on the site (in fact I just spotted him online now). I'm basically over it...just a bit disappointed because I honestly thought he was better than to pull a disappearing act. I lose a lot of respect for people who do that after sleeping with someone.Yup, a jerk. Have you considered holding off on having sex with these guys so quickly, so it filters out the dine and dash guys? It will also filter out the guys who "claim" they're looking for relationships but end up stomping their feet when they don't get sex soon. I have a date with a new guy tomorrow night; we'll see what happens. I'm corresponding with 3 others but none of them have asked me out yet. One of them is 3 years younger than me but he seems rather mature for his age--he has a web design business. He's asking me a lot of in-depth questions about myself so he seems very interested in getting to know me.Glad to hear you're continuing to date. As far as a guy who's 3 years younger, exercise caution due to potential emotional immaturity (even if he's intellectually mature). If you can get information about his dating and relationship experience, that might help to get a better handle on his coping patterns.
northern_sky Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 About the new guy--it's pretty clear to me that he has lost interest. He flat-out didn't respond to two efforts at contact (including a phone call) and has been super-active on the site (in fact I just spotted him online now). I'm basically over it...just a bit disappointed because I honestly thought he was better than to pull a disappearing act. I lose a lot of respect for people who do that after sleeping with someone. Kamille, I guess you're right--I am "open to anything"--including a relationship. I like to think that if I met someone who I felt I really connected with then I would be willing to commit to exploring a meaningful relationship. I have a date with a new guy tomorrow night; we'll see what happens. I'm corresponding with 3 others but none of them have asked me out yet. One of them is 3 years younger than me but he seems rather mature for his age--he has a web design business. He's asking me a lot of in-depth questions about myself so he seems very interested in getting to know me. Tigress in your last thread, when I said I always find it impressive how some guys will go through a lot of effort just to get laid, you responded: "I didn't make it difficult. I knew it would happen going in. I wanted it to. I don't blame anyone here. I had a nice time...we want different things. That's all there is to it." Now you're saying, "I honestly thought he was better than to pull a disappearing act. I lose a lot of respect for people who do that after sleeping with someone." Why the about face? I agree with your second interpretation btw.
northern_sky Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Yup, a jerk. Have you considered holding off on having sex with these guys so quickly, so it filters out the dine and dash guys? It will also filter out the guys who "claim" they're looking for relationships but end up stomping their feet when they don't get sex soon. Glad to hear you're continuing to date. As far as a guy who's 3 years younger, exercise caution due to potential emotional immaturity (even if he's intellectually mature). If you can get information about his dating and relationship experience, that might help to get a better handle on his coping patterns. I'm going to italicize and highlight everything TBF says. I know you disagree, but I think you tend to give it up too soon. I've done the same, and I've even done it at times for the same reason as you (because I want to, in the moment), but the downside of early sex is often getting played. I would also be wary of younger guys. I don't think most guys MY AGE (26-28) are ready for serious relationships. And you're only 23.
northern_sky Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Just want to add that I think it's reallllly hard to find quality guys on OKCupid. I only went on one date off the site, but the guy pulled the same hit it and quit it act on me. Reading the horror stories on here it seems like it's hard to find serious-minded fellows online. Even the guy I'm dating now, who has a profile on the site...and I think he's the best catch in the area that's on the site...is somewhat emotionally crippled.
Author tigressA Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 It's okay that we wanted different things; I don't blame him for that, but I am not okay with the way he went about things (or didn't) after our second date. It would've been nice to have him be honest and open instead of just going AWOL, but I guess with the way the world is...can't expect anyone to do anything but hide like a coward out of fear of criticism these days. It's okay that you think I have sex too soon (I honestly despise the phrase "give it up", BTW). I tend to agree/disagree, if that makes sense...something about how I feel if a guy is judging me for having sex too soon and doesn't see me as relationship material, then the way we each conduct ourselves just isn't compatible, so why waste my time. But I can still be entirely myself while suppressing my desires...I guess. This is my point of contention.
Mad Max Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Just want to add that I think it's reallllly hard to find quality guys on OKCupid. I only went on one date off the site, but the guy pulled the same hit it and quit it act on me. Reading the horror stories on here it seems like it's hard to find serious-minded fellows online. Even the guy I'm dating now, who has a profile on the site...and I think he's the best catch in the area that's on the site...is somewhat emotionally crippled. I think quality people in general are hard to find with online dating. I'm not against the concept, I just don't think online dating is for me. The way I see it, any individual that has a halfway decent personality and doesn't have emotional issues doesn't need to result to online dating.
northern_sky Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 It's okay that we wanted different things; I don't blame him for that, but I am not okay with the way he went about things (or didn't) after our second date. It would've been nice to have him be honest and open instead of just going AWOL, but I guess with the way the world is...can't expect anyone to do anything but hide like a coward out of fear of criticism these days. It's okay that you think I have sex too soon (I honestly despise the phrase "give it up", BTW). I tend to agree/disagree, if that makes sense...something about how I feel if a guy is judging me for having sex too soon and doesn't see me as relationship material, then the way we each conduct ourselves just isn't compatible, so why waste my time. But I can still be entirely myself while suppressing my desires...I guess. This is my point of contention. You're probably right that you wouldn't want to date the kind of guy who would judge you about early sex, but you also have to consider how it makes you feel afterwards. Do you really want to be screwing a guy who is going to cut and run? I think this is what TBF was partly getting at. Unless you're simply looking for a FWB (and maybe you are, I don't know?), better to wait it out and filter out the guys who are only after one thing.
Author tigressA Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 So does the "I don't know what I want" pertain to... b) What you just want in general? (dating, relationship, marriage, sex fling, etc.) If it's B, then perhaps meet guys and keep an open mind. Many might not know if they want something until they meet someone who tantalizes them...then suddenly they want a RL or something more. It is B. I do plan on keeping an open mind. In fact I have been. I think the main issue is my pattern of behavior--I send out mixed signals and tend to end up not being taken seriously, so I don't have much of a chance to really get to know a guy and figure out what I want from him. I should just change my pattern--at least if I hold off on sex in spite of how much I may want it, I'll be better equipped to figure things out.
northern_sky Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Straight up, I get the sense you're not being entirely honest with yourself. If you are only looking for NSA sex then I don't think this guy going poof would have phased or even surprised you a bit. I'm being careful with my qualifiers here, because I know you'll probably respond that you don't care at all and it didn't phase you, but I get the sense it did a little. If you want NSA sex, then you shouldn't expect to hear from a guy ever again. Now if you want something more meaningful, then be honest with yourself about that. And also realize that having sex with a guy you barely know may leave a bad taste in your mouth if he doesn't call back.
threebyfate Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 You're probably right that you wouldn't want to date the kind of guy who would judge you about early sex, but you also have to consider how it makes you feel afterwards. Do you really want to be screwing a guy who is going to cut and run? I think this is what TBF was partly getting at. Unless you're simply looking for a FWB (and maybe you are, I don't know?), better to wait it out and filter out the guys who are only after one thing.Yes, that's about it. Sex tends to muddy the brain since your body's pumping hormones like mad. It can make you ignore issues or flags that should have been paid attention to. And for some women like myself, we bond with sex so it hurts more to break away. But of course, you're a different person than I am. Just understand what drives you.
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