Is this the key to relationships?

[Joe Normal]

I was just thinking over my past relationships, and realized that none of my exes were people that I would have become close friends with independently if I did not go out with them as a girlfriend. Then I used this same way of thinking with most people I know, and their relationships - and sure enough, most of them don't last after they break up, most of them were not true friends as well as lovers. So I thought, maybe that is what is wrong with most relationships? I.e. they are not based around deep compatibility and shared values, like real friendships are, but they are based more around sexual attraction, and the desire for romance & a love partner. In other words, anyone reasonable will do at first...and it's only after 6-18 months that the sheen wears off and then people realize there is nothing really deeper beyond that.

 

The ones that last and are very good seem to be where there is something beyond that stuff. I.e. even if these people met and were involved with other people so weren't going to pursue something romantic, they'd still probably become good friends because of compatible outlooks on life and well-matched personalities.

 

What do you think of this?

[Els]

I completely believe in that. Which is also why the 'dating game' isn't for me - I always get to know guys as friends first, and then fall for them later. Every single one of my relationships started with us being good friends. And yes, even if we did not get together for whatever reason, we would definitely have been friends. I think it worked very well for me, because even though I haven't had that many Rs, they all lasted more than a year.

 

Just a caution though - I feel that the compatibilities and similarities required to be close friends are a subset of, but not equal to, the compatibilities required to have an excellent relationship. That is why I'm also a believer in 'only a few 'ones' per lifetime' as opposed to 'whole lot of fish out there', because it's hard enough to find all the ingredients to be close friends alone - throw in the stuff needed for a relationship as well (sexual attraction, similar mindsets on relationships, current situation in life, etc), and you may as well be looking for a needle in a haystack.

 

And that is also why I treasure my relationships very deeply. AND also why I do not believe in the hair-trigger dumping some people here advocate, because to have all of the above in a partner AND a relationship that conforms perfectly to one's laundry list with no room for mistakes, reduces the odds so drastically that statistically-speaking, the needle will effectively not exist at all.

Edited November 26, 2010 by Elswyth

[ConstantCraving]

I was just thinking over my past relationships, and realized that none of my exes were people that I would have become close friends with independently if I did not go out with them as a girlfriend. Then I used this same way of thinking with most people I know, and their relationships - and sure enough, most of them don't last after they break up, most of them were not true friends as well as lovers. So I thought, maybe that is what is wrong with most relationships? I.e. they are not based around deep compatibility and shared values, like real friendships are, but they are based more around sexual attraction, and the desire for romance & a love partner. In other words, anyone reasonable will do at first...and it's only after 6-18 months that the sheen wears off and then people realize there is nothing really deeper beyond that.

 

The ones that last and are very good seem to be where there is something beyond that stuff. I.e. even if these people met and were involved with other people so weren't going to pursue something romantic, they'd still probably become good friends because of compatible outlooks on life and well-matched personalities.

 

What do you think of this?

 

I'm very good friends with my last long term girlfriend.

 

We talk on the phone most days and I visit every now and again.

 

Looking back, its easy to see how we ended up together.

 

Similar outlook on the world, shared interests, same sense of humour, same conversational style, etc.

 

However, I know from bitter experience that love really DOESN'T conquer all.

 

I don't want to get back with her.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

while i agree...i just add more

 

some people have their "ideal" partners in their heads and when their current partner does not match up to their ideals, they think that the person they love changed...whereas they have failed to see what they truly are at the very start.

 

it's easy to accept all the good traits in a partner, but to know what makes them tick, their annoying habits, how they react to certain things and all the major deal breakers should be known first before venturing onto a relationship. most people do not even know what they want and whenever they find somebody new that sparks their interest, they get confused and it often leads to cheating. and some do not have clear boundaries at the very start which also leads to misunderstanding and not being on the same page.