Interesting conversation with my cousin

[4321sn]

Could the tendency to have an affair be genetic or a learned behavior. I recently learned that our Grandmother had an affair back when I was little. My Aunt was married with 2 kids when she had an affair. Left her H (my cousins father) for the MM. They have now been married for 27 years. I did not realize it at the time but since I began my affair I thought back to my own childhood. My parents got divorced when I was 7 but I remember meeting the man who is now my stepfather BEFORE we moved out of the house we lived in with my dad. They got married when I was 8...hmmmm...they have been married for 30 years now.

 

Ok so my married cousin who knows about my affair confessed that she is now having an affair with a MM...

 

Seriously...the whole thing gave me chills...

It amazes me that both my Aunt and Mom have had successful loving long term marriages stemming from affairs...Perhaps that is why I am hanging in there despite statistics...

 

So my cousin and I were discussing, genetics or learned behavior?

[phillyfan]

Dude cmon, I hav neva seen so much delusion as I see on this board, it is crazy. Just cause your nanna did it doesnt mean its in ur genes. U made a bad choice, its a coincidence, ur nanna did it too, so what - stop makin bad choices. U r a big girl in charge of ur own actions, period, and if u choose to be with a married guy then own that choice.

[4321sn]

Dude? Lol...

Anyway...delusion??? I'm confused. Didn't say it WAS genetic. Didn't ask for a debate of wrong vs right or what I shouid or should not do. I am where I am and I've done what I've done. I was simply stating that there is an unusually high percentage of women in my family having affairs. Grandmother-both of her daughters and both of their daughters. That is all of us.

 

Yes one has to take responsibility for their actions. Not blaming genetics or learned behavior. I simply thought that it was u usual that my grandmother- my only Aunt, my mother, my only female cousin and me have all done this.

[alexandria35]

Well I very much doubt that affairs or cheating are genetic behaviours, but there may be an argument for it being a learned behaviour.

 

I think it depends on how much knowledge you had of the affairs and how it was dealt with at the time. If you knew about the affairs when they were going on and nobody bothered to tell you that deceiving your spouse is wrong then I guess it's possible that you learned to view affairs as acceptable. I do think our parents are our role models and that we do follow in their footsteps unless we make the decision not to do so and even then it can be difficult to shake off our parents mistakes. You mentioned meeting your stepfather while you and your mom were still living with your father. Have you and your mother ever discussed this? How did you feel about the situation when it happened?

 

I don't know about sticking it out in your affair because both your Aunt and Mother married their affair partners. It is my opinion that women are much more likely than men to leave their spouses for the AP.

[4321sn]

"I don't know about sticking it out in your affair because both your Aunt and Mother married their affair partners. It is my opinion that women are much more likely than men to leave their spouses for the AP."

 

thankful for your response. I should ask my mom about it. It might clear things up for me.

Both my step father and my Aunts second husband were married and left for my mom and Aunt. I remember my step father having to go to court all the time. I remember her fighting with my mom. He didn't have kids but my Aunts H did...

[TigerCub]

4321sn,

 

I think that affairs are sooooooooooo common. Even in the old days (people just didn't talk as much about it then)

but because they are so common, anyone can find some relative that took part in an affair - That doesn't necessarily mean that its genetic, just a very common theme unfortunately. We're human, some of us are weaker and more selfish than others - that's it, that's all...

[always_waitings]

I don't think its part of your genetics but It could be a learned behavior. except that a learned behavior is one that you decide to learn unlike an inate behavior. This is not a natural behavior, instead it is learned. You can learn these behaviors by watching others do them such as riding a bike but you can chose not to ride that bike.

 

So while you do have a family history of it, (hey so do i) you don't have to do it...think of all the people that do see their family's cheat on each other and vow that they'll never end up like them....So really in the end I think it comes down to your personality and choices... it's your life and choices, not your families...

[phillyfan]

Dude? Lol...

Anyway...delusion??? I'm confused. Didn't say it WAS genetic. Didn't ask for a debate of wrong vs right or what I shouid or should not do. I am where I am and I've done what I've done. I was simply stating that there is an unusually high percentage of women in my family having affairs. Grandmother-both of her daughters and both of their daughters. That is all of us.

 

Yes one has to take responsibility for their actions. Not blaming genetics or learned behavior. I simply thought that it was u usual that my grandmother- my only Aunt, my mother, my only female cousin and me have all done this.

 

Y'all made bad choices, y'all happen to be from the same family but that is a coincidence - people everywhere have affairs you guys are no different - y'all need to start makin better choices, nothin more to it than that.

[4321sn]

Honestly maybe its because I actually had a good experience with it. My parents always fought. Always screamed. They were very unhappy. I had a lot of turmoil growing up until age 8. A depressed mother, and angry father.

 

My stepfather was and IS a great father to me. My life became stable when he entered it. My mother was no longer depressed. They were and are a perfect match.

 

So perhaps that was the learned behavior. maybe I KNEW there was better for me and thinking back to what my mom did I went that route instead of doing it the "right" way and just divorcing first. Maybe I was looking for someone to make it better...

 

Funny thing is that my stepfather and MM are both college professors. Both have PHDs (different fields but still!) I didnt know what MM did when we met...not until well after we started communicating...

Crap...I AM my mother

[shoelove]

I think the poster who said that affairs are far more prevalent than we think is dead on.

 

Also, I don't believe the tendency is genetic, but maybe you (unconsciously, as a child) saw behaviors that resonated with you and the acceptance has made it easier for you to go down that path? Dunno, just guessing.

 

And Phillyfan is a loathesome flaming troll who has a pretty low level of forum skills. Please pay no mind.

[bentnotbroken]

Affairs have been around since the beginning of time. They are parts of our history, our religions, and our culture. Do we learn what we see, of course. It is called modeling. Several learning theories talk about this and it is still a premise used in parenting. Show the children how to do things and they will try to imitate us by modeling our behavior. The only problem with this is we forget that they only model our good behavior but our bad behavior.

 

Then when children become adults their ability to make choices given the info they have and knowledge of possible circumstances(hence the secret nature) are that anyone needs to see why they cheat. They "made the choice to". Family history is only that...one's family's history.

[bentnotbroken]

I think the poster who said that affairs are far more prevalent than we think is dead on.

 

Also, I don't believe the tendency is genetic, but maybe you (unconsciously, as a child) saw behaviors that resonated with you and the acceptance has made it easier for you to go down that path? Dunno, just guessing.

 

And Phillyfan is a loathesome flaming troll who has a pretty low level of forum skills. Please pay no mind.

 

 

I agree, they should make better choices...am I a low level or upper level flaming troll?

[4321sn]

No bentnotbroken...even if you share the same opinion as Philly, I have always seen you post your opinions in a respectful and tactful manner. It's not what was said but the way it was said that is offensive.

[Spark1111]

Could the tendency to have an affair be genetic or a learned behavior. I recently learned that our Grandmother had an affair back when I was little. My Aunt was married with 2 kids when she had an affair. Left her H (my cousins father) for the MM. They have now been married for 27 years. I did not realize it at the time but since I began my affair I thought back to my own childhood. My parents got divorced when I was 7 but I remember meeting the man who is now my stepfather BEFORE we moved out of the house we lived in with my dad. They got married when I was 8...hmmmm...they have been married for 30 years now.

 

Ok so my married cousin who knows about my affair confessed that she is now having an affair with a MM...

 

Seriously...the whole thing gave me chills...

It amazes me that both my Aunt and Mom have had successful loving long term marriages stemming from affairs...Perhaps that is why I am hanging in there despite statistics...

 

So my cousin and I were discussing, genetics or learned behavior?

 

Hmmmmm...maybe a little of both?

 

I remember a family member being evaluated for depression. The psychiatrist wanted to know, not only the current symptoms, but also the family history on both parental sides.

 

They were asked, if on either their mother's or father's side, in addition to any psyche disorder you could think of, was there also a history of gambling, alcoholism, multiple wives, muliple husbands?

 

Not sure what info they were trying to fathom. High-risk behaviors? Instability?

[crazy love]

4321, very interesting story. Thanks for sharing it. i am always curious to hear about the AP's who's relationships survive the A and go on to have a normal happy life together. You seldom hear of it, I mean who would want to offer that information up about starting their relationship in an affair. Still I am sure that it happens so much more often than is acknowledged.

[4321sn]

4321, very interesting story. Thanks for sharing it. i am always curious to hear about the AP's who's relationships survive the A and go on to have a normal happy life together. You seldom hear of it, I mean who would want to offer that information up about starting their relationship in an affair. Still I am sure that it happens so much more often than is acknowledged.

 

honestly...it happen much more often than people think. My therapists mother left her father for a MM. They were married for 50 years. My daughters friends father left his W for another woman. They are married and have been together for 4 years.

 

My therapist says that it happens quite often but people to not advertise it. Think of people you know that got divorced then remarried less than 2 years later...many times the affair is never discovered. My MM is not going to tell her I am leaving you for another woman. So a relationship where the affair is not disclosed would obviously not be counted towards and "statistics.

 

I always wonder how these statistics can be accurate as having an affair is not something that most people will openly discuss to begin with.

 

So personally I know many affairs that have turned into legit relationships/marriages

My Aunt and Uncle (both were married with kids at the time they met) My Mom and Step father (both married although only my mom had a child) my

therapists mom and stepfather (both were married with kids), and my daughters friends father

 

So perhaps not as rare as we are meant to believe...

[crazy love]

Yes this missing info in all the "statistics" is what makes me so interested to hear about real situations. I would personally not publicly disclose info about my A even if me and my MM had been married together for years for a multitude of reasons. And like ur MM neither of us would list the A as a reason why we are divorsing, just seems pointless and hurtfull to do so. Would only cause more pain and trouble than necisarry. But it would b nice if there were non biased information about the aftermath and those AP's who actually do end up together, but i suppose making info like that public would be very hard to obtain, so, highly unlikely.

With your mom and aunt...do you have any knowledge of how long they were in the A before they left their M?

 

sorry bout all the typos.. i'm holding a wiggly lil baby so 1 handed typing

[fooled once]

Could the tendency to have an affair be genetic or a learned behavior. I recently learned that our Grandmother had an affair back when I was little. My Aunt was married with 2 kids when she had an affair. Left her H (my cousins father) for the MM. They have now been married for 27 years. I did not realize it at the time but since I began my affair I thought back to my own childhood. My parents got divorced when I was 7 but I remember meeting the man who is now my stepfather BEFORE we moved out of the house we lived in with my dad. They got married when I was 8...hmmmm...they have been married for 30 years now.

 

Ok so my married cousin who knows about my affair confessed that she is now having an affair with a MM...

 

Seriously...the whole thing gave me chills...

It amazes me that both my Aunt and Mom have had successful loving long term marriages stemming from affairs...Perhaps that is why I am hanging in there despite statistics...

 

So my cousin and I were discussing, genetics or learned behavior?

 

My personal view is it is NOT genetic or learned behavior.

 

It is a personal decision, depending on various things:

 

moral

ethics

needs

beliefs

self esteem

naiveity

maturity

 

I know without a doubt I would NEVER EVER cheat on my Husband - NEVER. I just don't have that ability - nor did I have the ability to cheat on my ex-h. I can't look at a person and lie like that. I can't betray a person like that - that just isn't my make up.

[4321sn]

Yes this missing info in all the "statistics" is what makes me so interested to hear about real situations. I would personally not publicly disclose info about my A even if me and my MM had been married together for years for a multitude of reasons. And like ur MM neither of us would list the A as a reason why we are divorsing, just seems pointless and hurtfull to do so. Would only cause more pain and trouble than necisarry. But it would b nice if there were non biased information about the aftermath and those AP's who actually do end up together, but i suppose making info like that public would be very hard to obtain, so, highly unlikely.

With your mom and aunt...do you have any knowledge of how long they were in the A before they left their M?

 

sorry bout all the typos.. i'm holding a wiggly lil baby so 1 handed typing

 

well I can easily find out how long. From what I can manage to put together from memories...I was at the end of first grade when we moved out of the house that I lived in with both of my parents. We moved into an apartment and every once in a while my stepfather would stay over. I actually never felt weird. I was not tramatized. I remember asking "will Richie be here to make me breakfast!?" it was fun when we were with him. He would tell me funny stories-tuck me in...he didn't have children of his own bit was a more attentive father to me than my bio father.

They got married when I was in 3rd grade...so idk

I'm thinking she left after a year or so then got married less than 2 years later

[crazy love]

Thats' so sweet. The " make me breakfast in the morning " question. Mine is a complicated one, with children on both sides, my two being very young but my oldest is getting to the point to where she asks for him and gets sad when he leaves. I am actually to the point where I am probably going to start keeping her away from him now that she is so aware and it kills me. She adores him.

My children are my life so hearing that you were not traumatized is very reassuring for me. I am separated and working on the D part. If he will leave his M any time soon idk. I hope so, not just so that we would have a life together but for his own happiness and well being. Do you have any particulars on your Aunts story? I hope that I am not being too nosey! It is nice to hear about a happy ending once in while ya know.

[4321sn]

I will write more first thing in the morning

You are not nosey

[Confused4Now]

honestly...it happen much more often than people think. My therapists mother left her father for a MM. They were married for 50 years. My daughters friends father left his W for another woman. They are married and have been together for 4 years.

 

My therapist says that it happens quite often but people to not advertise it. Think of people you know that got divorced then remarried less than 2 years later...many times the affair is never discovered. My MM is not going to tell her I am leaving you for another woman. So a relationship where the affair is not disclosed would obviously not be counted towards and "statistics.

 

I always wonder how these statistics can be accurate as having an affair is not something that most people will openly discuss to begin with.

 

So personally I know many affairs that have turned into legit relationships/marriages

My Aunt and Uncle (both were married with kids at the time they met) My Mom and Step father (both married although only my mom had a child) my

therapists mom and stepfather (both were married with kids), and my daughters friends father

 

So perhaps not as rare as we are meant to believe...

My own parents were both married to other people when they met....they both left their spouses so they could be together. They were still together for 45 years till my dad passed away. My mom still talks about my Dad as if it was yesterday and he's been gone for 18 years now. My parents never talked about the past....so we as children didn't know much about their past.

[East7]

Statistically 40% of the population has cheated on their partner, at least once in their lifetime.

 

There is nothing genetically transmitted.

 

As much as I don't think a cheater once, a cheater twice..not necessarily.

[datura_noir]

I don't think that there is a cheating gene, any more than there is a Gay gene...

 

But I do think certain behaviors and personality traits become accepted and learned-such as narcissisism......and liberalism/conservatism:laugh::laugh:

[4321sn]

updated 10:22 a.m. ET, Wed., Sep. 03, 2008

Experts: ‘Cheating gene’ not a predictor

By Bob Considine

TODAYshow.com contributor

Swedish researchers have linked a so-called “monogamy” gene with the relationship behavior of men and their partners — but that doesn’t mean those who have it are destined to be unfaithful, according to sex and relationship experts.

 

“This is just one component to a much larger puzzle,” Dr. Laura Berman told TODAY co-host Matt Lauer on Wednesday.

 

“It has to do with whether you were raised in a family where infidelity happened, whether you were socialized to be comfortable expressing emotions … Remember, this gene really wasn‘t specifically about infidelity. It was about bonding — and men who are bonded to their partners, of course, are less likely to cheat.”

 

 

Click Here!

Still, the findings by researchers at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm suggest that there could be some scientific roots to some men’s tendency to stray. Their study found that men who carry one or two copies of a gene variant called “allele 334” were twice as likely to have had marital or relationship woes in the past year than those who don’t have it.

 

“The incidence of allele 334 was statistically linked to how strong a bond a man felt he had with his partner," lead researcher Hasse Walum said in a statement.

 

But while the study may have some women wondering if they should test potential partners to quantify their level of commitment, NBC News chief medical editor Nancy Snyderman said you can’t determine a man’s tendency to stray by his genetic makeup.

 

“It’s a fascinating part of the human genome,” Snyderman told Lauer. “[but] there’s no cheek swab out there for young men who are coming to our daughters’ doors.”

 

Telling results

The study surveyed 550 twins and their partners or spouses, all in Sweden. Eighty-two percent of the couples were married, while the other 18 percent were living together.

 

Allele 334 is found in four of 10 Swedish men, according to the researchers. It controls the production of vasopressin, a hormone found in mammals that had been linked to mate stability in prairie voles (a type of rodent) in earlier studies.

 

Walum said men who had the variation received low scores on the bonding test and were not as likely to be married as men who lacked it. Furthermore, 15 percent of men without the allele reported serious marital discord in the past year, compared to 34 percent of men who had two copies of the allele.

 

And the happiness of partners of those with and without the variant was equally consistent.

 

“Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn't carry this allele,” Walum said in a statement.

 

In a separate segment on TODAY, Dr. Phil McGraw told Natalie Morales that the findings should not be dismissed.

 

But during her segment, Snyderman pointed out that evolution may also be a factor. “Let me take you back a few thousands of years, when a man needed to procreate to have a large family to take care of him, to make his own armies,” she said. “The idea of one-night stands, biologically sort of rooted in our history, [made] sense. But as we have proceeded in society and social norms have taken place, perhaps those partner chromosomes have adapted.”

 

Litmus test?

If so, what is to be made of the results of the Swedish research, which were published Tuesday in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences?

 

Even Walum indicated that the specified gene will have only a small influence on men’s behavior. Yet there are many alarming statistics out there: Twenty-two percent of married men stray from their partners at least once during their marriage, and 53 percent of American marriages end in divorce.

 

Berman, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and obstetrics/gynecology at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University who has been working as a sex educator and therapist for 18 years, cautioned women that trust is a more complex matter than screening for genes.

 

“The idea that they could know, ‘Can I really trust a man?’ — if that were possible, that would be great. But the bottom line is, that’s not going to give you the answers.”

 

McGraw also wondered aloud whether women should consider a genetic screening of their potential husbands: “Should you [say], ‘OK, I want to know what your finances are. I want to know what your religion is. I want to know what your allele status is?’ ”

 

But ultimately, McGraw said, genetics are not a free pass for inappropriate behavior.

 

“Lots of guys may say, ‘Hey, it’s my genes, what can I say?’ ” he said. “But it’s not an excuse. Biology is not destiny. It just means that you’re predisposed.

 

“Genetics seldom determine what is going to happen — only what can happen.”