Seperation

[jafro]

My wife and I are 1 month into an in-house seperation. She wanted the seperation, I did not. For a little history we were in the middle of fostering to adopt children and on 2 differant ocasions the state pulled the plug on it well into the process, it devested us. That was about 3 years ago and for the past 2 years I have had a lot of anger and a glass half empty attitude. Well my wife had it about a month ago, she was going to ask me for a divorce and at the last minute changed her mind and asked me for a seperation. This after asking me to go to councling numerous time, but I was in denial and did not think anything was wrong with me boy was I wrong. In the last month I have started seeing a councelor and she has opened up my eyes to the monster that I had become, I was not the man that I thought I was, I was mean, hateful and rude to the woman that I love the most in this world. My wife still has numb feelings towards me, she wont tell me that she loves me, wont hug me or kiss me. I know that I emotionally hurt her very much but are these feelings of numbness normal? Will they pass? What should I do to help? She said that she needs her space and I try to give it to her but she says that I dont give her enough space. She is not going out to bars or seeing anybody I know that for a fact so I guess that is a good thing. I just dont know what to do other than tell her and show what she means to me and how much I love her. She is my world and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Any advise would be greatly appreciated

[sirweasles]

My situation is very similar only I have 3 kids in the mix I wish I had an answer however It seems any time I try to even talk to my wife things get worse my advice would be to let her know you love her and give her space to and time to see if she will come around in my best guess she is deciding right now weather she wants to try or give up and unfortanetly you can only make that worse for you by pushing. A guys idea and way is to fix a problem if its broke fix it a woman wants to talk about it and analize it for awhile and that means she is goin to talk about it with anybody but you.

[heartbrokensj]

My wife still has numb feelings towards me, she wont tell me that she loves me, wont hug me or kiss me. I know that I emotionally hurt her very much but are these feelings of numbness normal? Will they pass? What should I do to help? She said that she needs her space and I try to give it to her but she says that I dont give her enough space. She is not going out to bars or seeing anybody I know that for a fact so I guess that is a good thing. I just dont know what to do other than tell her and show what she means to me and how much I love her. She is my world and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Any advise would be greatly appreciated

 

Yes, I can identify with your wife feeling "numb" towards you because I felt that way toward my husband when he was in his anger, blaming, rude stage which was directed at me...She is probably at a crossroads where there is so much emotional pain that she doesn't know what to do with it all and probably to get through each day, that numbing sensation takes over her as a coping mechanism for having gone through so much emotional trauma with all that you both have experienced with the adoption and in your marriage. Show her you love her not really by telling her because my telling her might make her feel smothered or pressured by showing that you are working on your wrongs and doing the work to be that man she fell in love with. In time when you feel good about yourself and own up to your wrongs in the breakdown of your marriage, she will start to open up to you. Hang in there, and its great you are doing what the work on you to better your life and of course your relationship with your wife.

[goingstrong]

s. That was about 3 years ago and for the past 2 years I have had a lot of anger and a glass half empty attitude. Well my wife had it about a month ago, she was going to ask me for a divorce and at the last minute changed her mind and asked me for a seperation.

 

This after asking me to go to councling numerous time, but I was in denial and did not think anything was wrong with me boy was I wrong. In the last month I have started seeing a councelor and she has opened up my eyes to the monster that I had become, I was not the man that I thought I was, I was mean, hateful and rude to the woman that I love the most in this world.

 

 

To be honest, we need more info here...how long were you married? do you have any children together of your own?....but based on what you wrote, I can say this. You've been a nazi for 2 yrs and refused to go to IC or MC. Well 2 things

 

a. Actions speak louder than words.

b. Give it more time to recover

[jafro]

To be honest, we need more info here...how long were you married? do you have any children together of your own?....but based on what you wrote, I can say this. You've been a nazi for 2 yrs and refused to go to IC or MC. Well 2 things

 

a. Actions speak louder than words.

b. Give it more time to recover

 

 

 

We have been married 6 years and together for 8. We dont have any children together but she has 2 boys age 16 and 18 that I consider mine as well. I know that I screwed up and need to give her space, but what does she expect me to do when she is out shopping with her friends and wont even return a text from me? This is the worst pain that I have ever felt and I know that I deserve every bit of it. I know in my heart that I am a changing man, but how will she see this if we do not spend any quality time together? I am so scared that if I dont spend any time together she will just forget about me.

[goingstrong]

I am so scared that if I dont spend any time together she will just forget about me.

 

Well if you've read anything here on the loveshack, then you will have read about the divorce 180. By being clingy needy like you are right now, then you just drive her farther away. Here they are from the marriage builders website.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[jafro]

Well if you've read anything here on the loveshack, then you will have read about the divorce 180. By being clingy needy like you are right now, then you just drive her farther away. Here they are from the marriage builders website.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

 

Thank You very much for this info. I have been doing everything wrong and I see that I need to follow these rules. Thanks again

[jafro]

A little update, last night she had a break down and for the first time since our speration she cried in front of me. She went on to tell me that she does not know what she wants in life. She said that she does not care about anything right now other than our boys and she has even shut them out. My wife has always been an animal lover and now she does not even like them. I now see that there is more to our seperation than just events that went on between her and I. I dont feel like she has fully dealt with past events in our lives as well as she made it seem, she has always been a glass half full type of person and now it is half empty. I dont know if I am seeing this all wrong or not so any other perspectives would be welcome

[sirweasles]

Dude she needs to see sombody now I am in that boat only I have waited 2 years she is showing signs of depression has she had mood swings where she becomes unreasonable and thinks that everybody is against her think about it My wife tried to talk me into getting help and now she has left me becouse I didnt things can get alot worse I have to fight every night to stay alive get her help before it goes to far

[jafro]

My wife went up to here mothers on Thursday morning(this has been planned for months) She text me as soon as she landed and i spoke with her last night for about a half hour. It was a good conversation until I told her that I had sold some hunting equipment that I had. Her tone in her voice changed from happy to concearn she told me not to spend the money on things that we need for the house. When I asked her why she said that she did not want to here about it later(something that I would have done in the past) she said that we would talk more later about it. Since she opened up to me she called me if she was going to be late and communicated with me more often. I told her mom about what she told me when she cried(my earlier post) and said she will likely put up a front. Her mom thanked me for the info and said she would try to get my wife to open up about everything. My wife has not confided in any of our family or close friends about this insteed she talks to "friends" from work or people that dont know her very well. I am just trying to figure out what all of this means. It seems 1 minute things are headed in the right direction and the next is 2 steps back. For example when I told her that I spoke to her mother about us (did not tell W what we spoke about) she ask me why I was freaking out did I think that I was going to loose her or something, I replied back with Yes I did and she stated well you were. I am sure that she need more time and I am trying to give her space, but I also feel that if I give her to much space she will forget about me. This whole thing is so confusing and heart wrenching. I know that if and when things work out our love will be stronger than ever but it just feels like it has been forever since I had her love. Any thoughts our advise?